Recently I said something about "home," and a friend asked which home I was referring to.  At first I was offended, thinking my only "home" is Wrangell, but then I realized I'd just referred to Washington as home.  It's funny.  I haven't lived in Wrangell, since I left for college 25 years ago.  In my heart, it will always be my real home, though.  Washington did become another home to me, though. It's where I spent all of my years post high school.  It's where I went to college,  met Brian, met some of my best friends, had two boys, got Junior and Sara, worked with amazing people and learned my profession, bought our first two homes, lived, laughed, loved, yada yada yada.  Lately I've been homesick in the biggest way and by home, I guess I mean a combination of the two places.  I haven't been to Wrangell since Caity's wedding, and it has been 14 months since I've had a social visit to Washington (although I wasn't able to make it to Vancouver). I'm seriously missing my family and friends.  I don't know...maybe it's the looming commitment of the new house.  The house that means we really live in Illinois (not my home).  There are a lot of things I like about living here....I love the school system the boys are in.  I love that it doesn't rain all the fucking time.  And I feel really blessed to know some of the people I know here.  Even in all of that, I guess the thing that freaks me out, is that I never see Illinois becoming my home.  I'll enjoy it while I'm here, but about once a week I count out the years to Cal's graduation in my head.  After I've done this, I think about how Ryne wants to go to college in Wisconsin, and if that happens, if I'd be able to leave the Midwest.  I like having an end date.  Now, everything could change.  Maybe we'll be here forever...but I just can't see or accept that.  But I guess for now, I'll try to feel good about the house we are buying. I'll feel good about the fact that  we are giving our boys some stability after these years of moves. When we told Cal we were buying the house, he said, "It will be my childhood home."  haha...  I don't look at it that way.  I think he had one, but the moves are most unfortunate that he won't have a real childhood house to think back on.  But all we can do is do the best we can for right now.  Right now, I'm adulating all over the fucking place.  I work at a job for the paycheck not love of what I do (but thankfully I really enjoy my coworkers) and I'm making these giant adult decisions at every turn, like switching from State Farm for my homeowners insurance, or this or that adult like thing.  I do these things, when really I want to do anything but these adult-ish things.  I'd love to go home, and let my Mom make me pepper steak, go up river with my friends-go back to the place I ran away from some 25 years ago.  Yes....homesick.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.  I really am appreciating this beautiful crisp day in-Illinois.

Oh yeah, I took this picture from my friend, who is a realtor in Wrangell.  So, should you find yourself wanting to find a wonderful new home-I know someone who can help you ;)

~Jen

Do you hear that???  Me neither.  Brian is at work, Ryne is at a friend's house, and Cal is at swim practice.  I have two hours to myself.  I can't remember the last time that happened.  Jesse is here, though, snoring away on the couch.  There's something so comforting to her breathing, snoring.  She is the cutest damn dog.  Anyway, I've been starved for some time to myself and soaking up every minute.  What I'd really like to do is pour a nice glass of red, but alas, I'm trying to be good about that.  But damn that does sound good.  Boy, does it ever.

Driving to work yesterday I listened to Alanis doing an interview on Howard Stern (did you know that I liked him ;)  She was on there years ago, and she was just as great yesterday as she ever way.  It's the twenty year anniversary of Jagged Little Pill.  It's so hard to believe....  I remember so well when You Oughta Know came out, those lyrics, that angry chick with the long hair.  My God, she talked about going down on him in a theater?  WTF?   Who had ever heard of such a thing?  It was and still is pure brilliance.  The album is so much more than that song, though.  Every single song on the record is Perfect.  If you know the album, you know that's the name of one of the tracks.  For the ten year anniversary Alanis put out an acoustic version of the record, which I like even more than the original.  I think it first came out only at Starbucks and my friend Jody bought it for me.  Best thing I've ever had from Starbucks!  (I don't drink coffee).  Anyway, my friend Erin, aka Angelina and I went to the Acoustic tour she did that year.  I kinda get some ADD going, and I was so worried I wouldn't be able to sit through an acoustic concert, but it was one of the very best I've ever seen.  Erin and I have been friends since college.  Holy moly have the two of us have some fun together.  When we're together, there's nothing but laughter and total craziness.  My God, from being ambushed by a swat team (long story-but it wasn't for us), to riding on the hood of her car, to recent years of us jumping on stage when our friends from Common Ground are playing and she sings backup while I'm a "dancer."  Yes, good times, always with Angelina.  Anyway, there was an intermission to this Alanis show, and the show was so moving...and Erin and I of course had a few drinks in us, and I remember we went out to get another drink during intermission and we both ended up talking about life and crying.  Crying!  That's how powerful Alanis is.  We did up laughing about it later that same night, but we aren't the type of friends that get together and cry.

As I've been writing, I did end up putting this album on.  When I thought about writing earlier today, I had one song in mind, then another, then another.  How can you choose?  Anyway, this isn't my very favorite song from the album, but I do love it.  I guess life is about learning.  Hopefully we learn from everything.  Like tonight when I thought that spicy guac and chips for dinner were a good idea (you see-I simply can't be left to my own devices).  I love every lyric to this song, except: I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone.   That's some bullshit advice Alanis.  You were so close to being Perfect.  Yeah, if you can avoid that shit.  Do it.  haha. 

I know this post wasn't made up of the most deep thoughts (by Jack Handy), but there are a million things floating around in this brain at any given time (especially if I'm in a meeting a work), and thank God they aren't all heavy.  I will say this, though.  I've really been missing my closest friends lately.  Big sigh.  Hope to be able to figure out a way to see some of them soon.

Have a great night all.  Hope you've been able to find your own alone time.  I tell you it's the best drug out there.

Swallow it down, that jagged little pill.  It feels so good swimming in your stomach.

~Jen

I've known that I've needed to write today. I didn't know what I was going to write about-still don't, but the song choice has changed about five times today.  Today I've been lost in the music in my head.  That's not always a bad place to be, I guess.  Music is my place.  It's the place for so many of us.  It makes us think of things we may never have thought of on our own.  It makes us feel things, when we really don't want to...and hopefully that leads to healing.  If I can't run to the fictitious cabin by the lake for solitude (but of course I'd take Jesse) that I often picture in my mind, music will be that cabin. I think we all have that place of escape in our heads.  When work, family, life get too overwhelming, it's a good place to go.  It's a place that most of us will really never go to, but it's nice to think that it's a possibility.  My cabin is far from everything, everyone, there's no internet, I have no phone.  If I were really romanticizing my fantasy, I'd picture a typewriter, but fuck that.  Why write on a typewriter, when you can use a laptop?  But I dream of writing, in the peace and quiet.  A place to get to know the characters for my next book.  A place to get to know me...because I don't really think I know me.  That's a pretty scary thing.  I'm not getting any younger.  I'll say this, I certainly don't know the person I am right now...the person at this weight...the person that doesn't think she deserves good things...the person writing this that doesn't know how to put it all into words.  Once again...maybe this is just that forty-something stuff we all go through...hell, maybe for some it's in your twenties, thirties, whatever, but for me, it's 43. 

The mind is a funny thing.  For a moment, I forgot that I wasn't this old chick that needs to lose weight.  I guess, that's not true, but I chose to believe that's not what I was.  Reality check.  It is what I am.  It's what others see.  Only I can change that. I would love to be able to blame what I've become on something, but I can't.  I've lost touch with myself.  So, there's my focus.  Finding the person that cares about her body, her appearance, her health more than she has.

Recent events have forced me to find the silver lining...see the segue way to the song?  I honestly don't know how to find it.  I'm a silver lining kinda person, but I'm at a loss.  I'll get there, but I'm not there yet.

Well, shit this wasn't as upbeat as I was hoping.  But we all have those days!  As a friend once told me after an error in softball, "Turn the frown upside down."  (As if this competitive freak wanted to hear that...so it's a joke that's been between us for 15 years now).  I'll work on that tonight.  You know what would help?  A win tonight in fantasy football :)  Just keepin' it real.

Wishing you a good Monday evening.  We are one step closer to Friday.  Hope you enjoy the song.

Much Love,

Jen