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Diariesofafatass.com

My Silver Lining.

11/2/2015

6 Comments

 
Picture
I've known that I've needed to write today. I didn't know what I was going to write about-still don't, but the song choice has changed about five times today.  Today I've been lost in the music in my head.  That's not always a bad place to be, I guess.  Music is my place.  It's the place for so many of us.  It makes us think of things we may never have thought of on our own.  It makes us feel things, when we really don't want to...and hopefully that leads to healing.  If I can't run to the fictitious cabin by the lake for solitude (but of course I'd take Jesse) that I often picture in my mind, music will be that cabin. I think we all have that place of escape in our heads.  When work, family, life get too overwhelming, it's a good place to go.  It's a place that most of us will really never go to, but it's nice to think that it's a possibility.  My cabin is far from everything, everyone, there's no internet, I have no phone.  If I were really romanticizing my fantasy, I'd picture a typewriter, but fuck that.  Why write on a typewriter, when you can use a laptop?  But I dream of writing, in the peace and quiet.  A place to get to know the characters for my next book.  A place to get to know me...because I don't really think I know me.  That's a pretty scary thing.  I'm not getting any younger.  I'll say this, I certainly don't know the person I am right now...the person at this weight...the person that doesn't think she deserves good things...the person writing this that doesn't know how to put it all into words.  Once again...maybe this is just that forty-something stuff we all go through...hell, maybe for some it's in your twenties, thirties, whatever, but for me, it's 43. 

The mind is a funny thing.  For a moment, I forgot that I wasn't this old chick that needs to lose weight.  I guess, that's not true, but I chose to believe that's not what I was.  Reality check.  It is what I am.  It's what others see.  Only I can change that. I would love to be able to blame what I've become on something, but I can't.  I've lost touch with myself.  So, there's my focus.  Finding the person that cares about her body, her appearance, her health more than she has.

Recent events have forced me to find the silver lining...see the segue way to the song?  I honestly don't know how to find it.  I'm a silver lining kinda person, but I'm at a loss.  I'll get there, but I'm not there yet.

Well, shit this wasn't as upbeat as I was hoping.  But we all have those days!  As a friend once told me after an error in softball, "Turn the frown upside down."  (As if this competitive freak wanted to hear that...so it's a joke that's been between us for 15 years now).  I'll work on that tonight.  You know what would help?  A win tonight in fantasy football :)  Just keepin' it real.

Wishing you a good Monday evening.  We are one step closer to Friday.  Hope you enjoy the song.

Much Love,

Jen
6 Comments
Cindy
11/2/2015 05:40:29 pm

After awhile, it becomes WHO we are and how we treat people. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL :-)

Reply
Jen
11/2/2015 06:03:11 pm

You're such a sweet person Cindy. So very happy for the newest addition to your family!

Reply
Colleen
11/2/2015 06:38:00 pm

I love reading your stuff, it makes me think. If you figure out why the weight thing is a daily struggle let me know. For me it's like smoking I hate that I do it and I hate that I'm not suppose to. Keep writing love it 😀

Reply
Kara
11/3/2015 08:30:01 am

You are such an amazing writer... so much of what you wrote sounds exactly how i have been feeling lately... you're an amazing woman Jen, inside and out... I hope you learn to love you for you because if you could see yourself through our eyes (all your friends and family) you would be over the moon with yourself...Thank you for writing and putting into words how not only you feel but many others... you are inspiring.. i cant wait to read your book..... have a great week and here's to finding who we are at the young age of 43! Cheers! One day at a time my friend. Love you!... PS I hope you kicked ass in fantasy football.. LOL..

Reply
Asha Rasler
11/6/2015 09:51:37 am

I know for me, what you have become might not be what you think I see. You have become this evolving and amazing writer, awesome playlist maker, encourager (to me), laugh producing, wonderful friend. You and I have both talked about reasons for not taking care of "us" and worrying about expectations of others. I believe in you! I believe that if you want to start working on parts of you that YOU believe need work you can do it!! I don't see weight or body appearance......I see my friend that I love dearly...........even when she kicks my ass in fantasy football.

You are beautiful Jen, inside and out! Never forget that!!

Reply
Jen
11/7/2015 01:12:04 pm

Asha,

You are so very sweet. You really made my day with your words. I am so blessed to count you as a true friend. You have a heart of gold.

P.S. It was you who beat me at fantasy football ;)

Much Love,

Jen

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    Jen

    Age 47
    Married 24 years
    2 boys, 18 & 15
    email: diariesofafatass@gmail.com


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