I've known that I've needed to write today. I didn't know what I was going to write about-still don't, but the song choice has changed about five times today. Today I've been lost in the music in my head. That's not always a bad place to be, I guess. Music is my place. It's the place for so many of us. It makes us think of things we may never have thought of on our own. It makes us feel things, when we really don't want to...and hopefully that leads to healing. If I can't run to the fictitious cabin by the lake for solitude (but of course I'd take Jesse) that I often picture in my mind, music will be that cabin. I think we all have that place of escape in our heads. When work, family, life get too overwhelming, it's a good place to go. It's a place that most of us will really never go to, but it's nice to think that it's a possibility. My cabin is far from everything, everyone, there's no internet, I have no phone. If I were really romanticizing my fantasy, I'd picture a typewriter, but fuck that. Why write on a typewriter, when you can use a laptop? But I dream of writing, in the peace and quiet. A place to get to know the characters for my next book. A place to get to know me...because I don't really think I know me. That's a pretty scary thing. I'm not getting any younger. I'll say this, I certainly don't know the person I am right now...the person at this weight...the person that doesn't think she deserves good things...the person writing this that doesn't know how to put it all into words. Once again...maybe this is just that forty-something stuff we all go through...hell, maybe for some it's in your twenties, thirties, whatever, but for me, it's 43.
The mind is a funny thing. For a moment, I forgot that I wasn't this old chick that needs to lose weight. I guess, that's not true, but I chose to believe that's not what I was. Reality check. It is what I am. It's what others see. Only I can change that. I would love to be able to blame what I've become on something, but I can't. I've lost touch with myself. So, there's my focus. Finding the person that cares about her body, her appearance, her health more than she has.
Recent events have forced me to find the silver lining...see the segue way to the song? I honestly don't know how to find it. I'm a silver lining kinda person, but I'm at a loss. I'll get there, but I'm not there yet.
Well, shit this wasn't as upbeat as I was hoping. But we all have those days! As a friend once told me after an error in softball, "Turn the frown upside down." (As if this competitive freak wanted to hear that...so it's a joke that's been between us for 15 years now). I'll work on that tonight. You know what would help? A win tonight in fantasy football :) Just keepin' it real.
Wishing you a good Monday evening. We are one step closer to Friday. Hope you enjoy the song.
Much Love,
Jen
The mind is a funny thing. For a moment, I forgot that I wasn't this old chick that needs to lose weight. I guess, that's not true, but I chose to believe that's not what I was. Reality check. It is what I am. It's what others see. Only I can change that. I would love to be able to blame what I've become on something, but I can't. I've lost touch with myself. So, there's my focus. Finding the person that cares about her body, her appearance, her health more than she has.
Recent events have forced me to find the silver lining...see the segue way to the song? I honestly don't know how to find it. I'm a silver lining kinda person, but I'm at a loss. I'll get there, but I'm not there yet.
Well, shit this wasn't as upbeat as I was hoping. But we all have those days! As a friend once told me after an error in softball, "Turn the frown upside down." (As if this competitive freak wanted to hear that...so it's a joke that's been between us for 15 years now). I'll work on that tonight. You know what would help? A win tonight in fantasy football :) Just keepin' it real.
Wishing you a good Monday evening. We are one step closer to Friday. Hope you enjoy the song.
Much Love,
Jen
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