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Diariesofafatass.com

More Than I Think I Am...

6/30/2014

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Okay, it's 12:30 a.m., and I just got to my mom's a little bit ago.  I'm lying here completely awake, as one of my friends insist we do a shot before leaving the bar....  I rarely drink hard alcohol,  and I've never,  ever tried Red Bull.  Um, so this shot might just keep me up for days.....
I've had many reservations about coming home at this weight.  Horrible anxiety...  But I must say, that coming home was just what the doctor ordered.  I may encounter some drunken asshole who will comment about my weight before I leave,  but for now, I have received nothing but absolute love since arriving in Alaska yesterday.  I'm so very glad that I'm in a place that allows me to accept and receive this love.    (I have no idea why that underlined).  I'm so fortunate to have such amazing people in my life.  I don't get to see them often,  but to them I'm the same person I've always been.  They see through the weight.   To them, my weight doesn't define me.  It has no bearing on their love for me...  I need to take a page from their book.  That's all.  I'll go back to staring at the ceiling now :)
love you guys,

Jen
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Friendship

6/23/2014

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Everything has been happening super quickly lately, except work, haha.  The countdown for the move is on.  Do we have a lead on a place to live?  No....    But I can't do anything about that right now.  I've really just got to hope things fall into place.

Last weekend I went to Seattle to hang out with my friend Tammi and was also able to visit with Misty and Kim.  It was such a fantastic weekend!  Talk about feeling the love from your friends.  Tammi and I went to a winery to see Sarah McLachlan in concert.  I've seen her a few times before, and as always, she was simply amazing.  It was also a weekend of actually being kinda girly.  Tammi and I got out makeup done at Nordstrom's.  The service was free, but who knew makeup could be so expensive?  I've only ever bought it at Target and such places.  Crazy.  But I did enjoy getting it done and learning application tips.  I also bought a dress (at Target :) for the wedding next week.  I know...none of this sounds like me.  It's good to be someone different every once in a while.  Anyway, there was this random drawing contest to get to go on stage for Sarah M.  You have to say what made you "shine."  I wrote one about Caleb, and how his journey has changed me forever.  I thought Tammi was going to write about being a mother.  Instead, she wrote this:

My best friend and I will be attending the concert together and we will be “shining” in spirit celebrating our 30 plus year friendship and love of music. We were born and raised together in Alaska and have spent our years since loving and supporting each other through the trials and tribulations as well as all the wonderful blessings along the way. For us, no matter how hard our experiences have been, we always have each other and our love of music that shines in our hearts. We send each other cd’s because we don’t live that close and the music, often Sarah’s lifts our hearts and souls when we can’t be there in person. Life is a journey and this concert with be our time to shine together in our amazing friendship of trust and love.

Pretty rad, huh?  Since this is my diary, I had to add it.  I'm so blessed to have such a great, healthy friendships in my life.  And Tammi?  She's just fucking awesome.  Always has been.

I leave on Sat for AK.  I'll be up there all week.  I have tons of insecurities about my weight, concern for money and timing of it all.  But more than anything, I'm excited for my friend Caity's wedding.  She so deserves every happiness, and I'm so glad I'm going to be there to celebrate her big date.  The weekend after I get back, we'll go to Vancouver.  The next weekend my sister is coming.  And then....we are off.  It's going to fly by.  I hope and pray that things for the move fall into place soon...

As for my eating, I'm still a mess.  I know it....  No excuses.....

Hope you all are well and super happy!

Jen

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Broken nose and can they be called changes at this point?

6/15/2014

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Picture

The last half of the week has brought a little sanity back to the house.  Baseball season has come to an end.  I'm a little sad, but it gives us our evenings back.  The boys sure do love playing, and we really do enjoy watching the games.  It just made for really long days.  This week we've actually begun to get the house back on track.  The end of last week Ryno's team went into the playoffs.  Brian and I were going between games, and I was watching Cal's while he was at Ryne's.  Anyway, the winds were about 25 mph and the sun was high.  Ryne was playing center field, and a ball shifted on him last second crashing into his face, breaking his nose.  It was so gross....  Ryne has handled it really well.  We are so proud of him.  It's not pretty, but his follow up apt at the Dr. confirmed his eyes are good and nasal passage is clear.  He follows up again next week to make sure all still healing okay.  Because nasal passage okay, Dr. says he won't require plastic surgery but he'll have a crooked nose :(  The kids just turned 13.  I'm bummed for him.  It's already an awkward age, and that's not a fun one to add to the mix.  It could've been worse, though.  So, I am thankful that's all it is.

Brian's work told him what they could offer him for him to take the job out in IL.  Then, he didn't hear from them for nearly 2 weeks.  People are so rude....  Anyway, they gave him official offer on Fri.  They said they weren't able to do one of the things they'd initially offered....  They are only paying for part of the move, since they moved us out here.  I feel like he's getting the shaft, but Brian wants it so bad he's jumped on it.  The kids are so excited, and of course Brian is, too.  I'm not...  There are positives to it, but for me, they don't outweigh living so far away from family and friends.  I'm actually really sad about the whole thing...  But it seems I don't have a voice in this one.  I guess I could freak out and put my foot down, but I don't think Brian would be able to forgive me.  He's been all or nothing about this.  If he didn't do this, he was just going to leave the industry he loves and do something else.    Maybe he wouldn't, but that's what he's said.  He knows I'm not happy about it....

I don't really know what else to say about the move...  For now, I'm just thinking about going to Seattle this weekend to see Sarah M. at a winery with my very close friend, Tami.  The following weekend, I leave for Alaska for the week for Caity's wedding.  I'm totally dreading going alone.   I wish Brian could go (it's just too expensive to bring the boys this year).  But when this job came up, Brian knew we wouldn't be able to afford for him to go.  Hell, we can't afford for me to go...but no way I was missing my dear friend's wedding.  So, I'm just keeping my eyes on the next 2 weeks.  Trust me, with this job...I have to have something to look forward to.  My boss introduced me to a supplier the other day as her, "helper."  I was brought on to be a team with her, but she's got serious issues.  I've never seen anything like it....  When it turned out she hadn't heard something I'd told her one day, she told me I needed to talk to her like I'd talk to my Autistic son.....to make sure she heard me.  Are you fucking kidding me?!  I've had to swallow my pride for this paycheck, that's for sure...

Today's Father's Day.  Brian's in there making French toast for the boys, as he does every Sun.  He really is a good Dad.  Early in our relationship, I thought about what a good Dad he'd be.  It's esp impressive, considering his own Dad walked out on he and his brother when they were little.  He hasn't heard from his Dad since he was young.  As for me, this is the first year I've bought a Father's Day card for my own Dad in 9 years.  We hadn't spoken in all of these years until I got a Christmas card this year, out of the blue.  So, did my other sisters.  He's been good about sending birthday cards to us and the kids, but we still haven't had an actual conversation.  So, it's hard to find a card that captures those complicated situations.  I do love him, but it's certainly not an ideal situation...  But I guess some communication is better than none...

I hope you all enjoy your Sunday.  It's a beautiful day here, and I'm planning on making the most of it.

~Jen


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    Jen

    Age 47
    Married 24 years
    2 boys, 18 & 15
    email: diariesofafatass@gmail.com


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