I just watched the video for the first time.  That was really, really hard to see.  I realize I'm a monster, but then when you see it on screen, it makes it even more clear.  That belly fat is enough to make anyone want to puke.  This video also makes me very sad....  I was so tired yesterday.  Today, I'm doing much, much better.  It's now been 2 days without caffeine (except for 1 reg. tea bag each day).  You can insert your own joke there.  I've also been eating exceptionally well.  My head is in a good place, even though watching that video makes me want to bury my fat face in comfort food.  I won't....  Instead, I think I'll take a bath, and try to calm myself down a bit.  OMG....  I really can't believe how bad that thing is...  It validates all of my insecurities from my face, body, and voice.  So, hopefully in a few weeks, I'll be able to do another, and although it will be a small step, hopefully we'll be able to see that small step in the right direction.  I'm so very glad that Brian has followed my wishes and never seen this site.

I started on livestrong.com today.  They have a "my daily plate" link that is really cool.  You put in your food, and it tracks your cals/protein/cholesterol, etc. for the day.  It also gives you a calorie goal in order to reach your desired weight loss.  It really is a nice tool.  (again, insert your own joke)  Hopefully tomorrow I can add the link.

So, I actually figured out how to take the video of myself tonight.  Making the video isn't the problem.  It's actually getting it uploaded and on here that's making me crazy.  Hopefully I can figure it out tomorrow night.  I'm beyond tired and the little patience I have is quickly fading.

Today has been an outstanding day for eating.  I'm too tired to go get the list, but I'll try to put in on there tomorrow.  I've had "green juice" for dinner.  I'm working on very little sleep and it's already approaching 10:30.  I've got to get to bed.

Until tomorrow my friends,

Jen

Well, here we are the end of a 3 day weekend.  I so dread going to work tomorrow....  Today has left me really spent, emotionally.  Today was a tough day, but I got through it.  It hasn't been easy, though.  I look forward to tomorrow.  The whole babysitting thing, working, etc. has really been stressing me out.  Finally after multiple phone calls and texts, I got an answer from our babysitter's Mom.  Apparently her daughter does not wish to babysit for the boys, because when she watched them over Spring Break, they were "disrespectful and sexist."  Uh....  When I read that, I wanted to puke.  WTF?  I don't want to be one of those parents that thinks it can't possibly be their kid that's acting up or being bratty.  So, I immediately tried to think of what could've happened.  I brought the boys in and talked to them.  Of course, they were bewildered, and Caleb was very hurt.  He was very close to her.  When I really thought about it, though.  The babysitter has babysat for us, since Spring Break....  So, I'm left thinking this was an excuse, so she didn't look like a total douche for bailing like she did.  What a bunch of fucking bullshit on her part, and on the part of her mother.  We treated this kid like family.  We took her to the movies, out to eat in the city, etc.  Before meeting us, she'd only been to 2 movies in her whole life, she'd never eaten at Red Robin or any of the other fun things we involved her in.  I'll admit that maybe the boys were actually "boys," but if a 17 y/o can't handle a then 10 y/o and 8 y/o, then she's not the one for us.  I mean, Caleb is so loved by all of the teachers at his school.  He's so afraid of doing anything wrong, that he is almost always on too good of behavior.  I want him to act like a typical kid.  Ryne also rec'd the first "Kid of the Month" at his after school program last year in Vancouver.  We've never heard of anything out of turn on either of them.  Plus, they don't even know what "sexist" means.  What fucking bullshit.  Anyway, we'll be taking them to a lady that has done some after school care for us.  She's good, but we really wanted someone to come here.  Junior can't get up on his own half the time, and we wanted someone here for him.  Plus, now we have to drag the boys out of the house at 6:20 a.m. during this summer.  And last but not least, this lady does her payments under the table.  I'm paying for daycare out of my FSA....so I won't be able to recoup that money.  Errrr......

Anyway, today was just a day that prayed on all my insecurities.  I did a pretty good number on myself.  I'm feeling better now, although it is 11:10, and I'm far from being able to sleep.  The disgust with my body has reached all new lows.  I've also put on 5 lbs since last week.  Yes, in one week...  I earned every fucking pound, too.  What a dumb ass.  So, tonight I finished up my "goal board."  My plan is to take a video of it tomorrow and video of myself and this disgusting body.  I'm hoping to add a new video every 2 or 3 weeks to show the progress.  I've made some green juice, and I'm ready to try and get my shit together tomorrow....

I've done a lot of thinking over the past couple of days and why I'm so hard on myself.  I still don't have any answers.  I just know I've been this way since I was a little kid.  I've never felt worthy of anything good in my life.  I really don't know why...and it kills me that I can't figure it out.  Anyway, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in therapy was talk about things that I love about myself.  I remember it stopped me in my tracks when she insisted I talk about those things.  I just broke down.  It was so hard.  Why?  WTF?  On Sat., a close friend and I were talking on the phone and she said some really, really nice things about me that were really hard to hear.  Again, I broke down.  Shouldn't hearing beautiful things about yourself just make you smile?  If I really think about it, there are a lot of things I do like about myself.  I know I'm a good person.  I just need to make myself realize that on a daily basis.  I also really, really need to quit putting everyone in front of me.  I worry about my family, husband and my friends all day long, but I never worry about myself.  My friend broke my heart, when she told me how worried she was about me.  I don't want anyone to ever worry about me.  I know that feeling of worrying about someone you love and it sucks.  I don't want to put that burden on anyone.  So, although it's been a lot of tough soul searching, I feel it's a healthy step to try and see myself through the eyes of those that love me most.  The hardest will be Brian, though.  For the life of me, I don't know what he sees in me, even though he tells me on a daily basis.  I look at him, and he's so attractive to me, and I'm well, me...  I also worry about some of my closest friends and how they might react to the video I do of myself showing all of the fat.  I don't know how they can possibly love and respect me after seeing it.  I I'm a total failure.  It just pains me to know that they'll see just how much so.

Anyway, until tomorrow and the dreaded video.  Hopefully it'll give me the motivation and kick in the ass that I so very need.

~Jen

I sit here feeling like such a grown up.  I've never owned a laptop before, and now here I am, typing from the sitting position in my bed.  I feel so Carrie Bradshaw.  I must admit, that I've always really kind of bought into the "bigger is better" phylosiphy.....  Am I right girls?  So, I ordered this laptop off the internet, without really knowing anything about them.  I got the 17", and I'm regretting it.  It's probably too damn big.  Maybe I'll get used to it, but it's more than I need.  I'm serious, this thing is Tommy Lee big.

So, I don't think I've written anything since Thurs.  Sorry about that.  I knew I wouldn't have time on Friday, and then I totally spaced yesterday.  So, I'll tell you how Friday started.  Our babysitter hadn't gotten back to me the day before.  I was really getting kind of nervous, even though we'd spoken just a couple of days before about the summer and babysitting the kids.  We'd had it arranged with her for the past 2 months.   She's really good with the boys.  She and Cal seem to have a really special connection.  Anyway, back to Friday...  I left for work, not having heard back from her.  We've left the boys for short periods of time before, but I wasn't at all comfortable with the possiblity of them being alone all day.  I text her Mom early that morning and it takes a couple of hours before she gets back to me.  Her Mom tells me that "S" is still sleeping and she's not really sure what her summer plans are.  She says things have been really "chaotic."  I was going fucking nuts in my office when I read that.  I text back that "S" had committed to watching the boys, and if that was no longer the plan, I need to know right away, so  I get something set up for them.  Her Mom texts me back, saying she's sorry, that she's getting married in 3 weeks and she doesn't know if they're moving and if they are, when....  She said she would have "S" call me.  I went fucking ballistic.  I sat in my office throwing a total fit.  What a bunch of bullshit.  This woman is a responsible single Mom.  I can't believe the gall to "apologize" the DAY HER DAUGHTER WAS SUPPOSED TO START.    I still haven't heard from "S," and I'm sure I won't.  Today is Sunday....  So, at this point, I don't know what we will do for daycare.  Brian had to take half of Friday off.  Why did I go back to work?  Oh yeah, for money and to get out of the house....  I regret that decision big time now. I do like my job, and I believe they like me.  But they are not supportive of when I've had appt's for Caleb.  I was upfront before I took the job, about Cal's needs, and that I would be taking time off for his appt's, etc.  So, when we took the morning off a couple of weeks ago, to visit the schools for the boys, I was none to happy to get a text from my boss at 10:30 a.m. saying the Ops Mgr was wanting to know when I was going to be in.  (I was on my way)  I knew I had to get back, so they could all go golfing....  No job is ever going to be perfect, but I don't know that I'll be able to live with things like that.  The boys will always come first.
So, Friday was exceptionally frustrating, as we were going into the first day of summer vacation, with no babysitter.  I decided I'd go on the Adopt A Highway clean-up that some ppl were doing from work.  It meant I'd get to leave a little early, socialize with people I don't normally work closely with, and it meant free food and drinks afterward.  I was also hoping the work would undwind me a little bit.  Really, it didn't.  But the alcohol sure did.  There was about 15 of us, inc the Ops Mgr and the other head guy (for the life of me I can't remember his title, but he's up in the office).  Drinks were flowing and it was soon evident that we were all on our way to getting trashed.  I was very uncomfortable sitting next to the Ops Mgr.  I really don't have an opinion on him, except there are a couple of things that bother me about him, but this isn't the forum.  Overall, though, he's fine enough.  He, along with everyone else kept talking about how "quiet" I am.  I know, me, quiet?  It's how the ppl I work with always perceive me to be.  This is funny, b/c I know how loud and obnoxious I am.  And guess what, they all got to see it, too.  Soon, I was pretty smashed and referring to the Ops Mgr as a "bitch."  Of course, it was to his face, and I was saying it in a mocking manner, but as he pointed out he's not used to be talked to like that.  I continued to give him shit all night.  Mounds of shit....  In fact, I gave a lot of ppl shit.  It's what I do ; )  At the same time, he was bound and determined to make me like him.  For some reason, he thinks I don't.  But anyway, I had a really, really great time.  I really like some of the folks there.  I have to tell you, though.  It is the gayest place ever.  Mostly men work in the 2 areas I'm in most, and if you see one of the Maint. guys drop something and another one's near, odds are he's going to get a mock butt fucking from the other guy.  The first time I saw it, I nearly died.  They've also all too eagerly demonstrated the "Father Nelson" joke for me (I'm apparently the only person on earth, that didn't know it.  Some of the guys even do Indian Leg Wrestling when we are at the bar.  Oh, I give the guys shit like you woudn't believe for this behavior.  I've never seen straight men act like this.  I guess I've only know homophobic men before coming to work at IRE.  But I must say, Friday night, I witnessed the gayest thing ever.  They have a name for a game, but I can't remember it, but really it's "open mouthed, chicken."  Grown men moving toward each other with open mouths until one pulls away first, and is the loser.  I explained to them, that I don't see how anyone wins playing that game.  They wanted me to play with them, which I feined disgust by, but if I weren't married, I'd rock that game.  lmao.  Anyway, it was a super fun night, and hopefully any too drunken things I might've done, will have faded from the other drunken memories before we go back to work on Tues.  I will say this to you, though....not only to you, but a promise to myself.  I will not drive again after I've had anything to drink.  It doesn't matter how many waters I sit there and have, I'm giving my keys away, and having a plan, before even walking in next time.  I'm an idiot and "pulled a Jen," as my friends call it.  I told one person I was leaving (I used to not tell anyone, but then my friends would get really pissed), and I told him not to say anything until I was gone for a few mins.  When I'm done, I'm done.  I just want to leave.  I don't want anyone trying to get me to stay.  Of course, I get a call about 15 mins after I leave, with the wtf?  I had drank lots of water, but I'm a bad judge of how affected I am.  Stupid in any situation, but esp. when there's an hour drive to get home.

Yesterday, Brian, Cal and I went into town to run some errands and have lunch.  Ryne wanted to stay home (he absolutely hates going grocery shopping), but Cal was super excited to have both of his parents to himself :)  We also ordered Cal some new regular eye glasses and some prescription sports goggles (the surgeon insisted on them for any sports he's going to play).  Baseball starts this week.  Although, Brian and I are very apprehensive about him playing (Brian doesn't want him to at all), I don't want to overprotect Caleb.  We do it too much, and we need to let him be a kid in anyway he wants.  Anyway, it was a nice family day.  It was also a great day of reconnecting for me and my hubby.

And here we are, Sunday night into a 3 day weekend.  Today has been simply fantastic.  I've spent the bulk of the day, reading (my most relaxing thing).  I really needed a day like today.  My resolve was to not leave the house (esp no driving...I'm begining to hate being in the car), and I've succeeded!  I finished the third in the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy tonight, and it was my favorite of the 3 books.  It was so nice to stay in the a/c and just relax.  It was 93 degrees out, last I checked at 9:00.  Plus, it's nasy ass humidity out here.  I honestly had no idea what humidity was before we moved out here.  It's going to be a long summer.  It totally messes with my hair, and sometimes it's so bad your glasses fog up the second you walk out the door.  Yesterday, I literally had sweat around my hairline, just walking from Walmart out to our car.  Speaking of hair.....I don't know what in the fuck is going on, but I can't seem to go a day without finding some long, nasty black hair coming off my upper lip, chin, or neck.  Really?  My hormones are so f'd up.  Even today, Brian was asking how much longer on my period, and he said they used to not be so bad for you.  In fact, you could go a couple of months in between.  Ah, the good 'ol days.  I had to break it to him that his wife was now getting old, and my body is changing.  Ugh.  I guess I'm no longer a trophy wife.  LMAO! (btw, I was just re-reading this, and pulled a lovely black hair from my cheek...for real.)

Hope that leaves you with a smile.  Sorry for rambling today, but I enjoyed it.  Hope you don't have to work tomorrow, and that if you have someone in your family that is military related you're able to tell them how proud you are of them.  As I am so proud of my cousin Chase....  We were all so scared when he went into the army, but thankfully it looks like his tours are now over (knock on wood), and he'll finish everything out on U.S. soil.

God Bless,

Jen

Happy 3-Day weekend Eve!  Even though I worked today and didn't get home until my usual time, it feels a little like it's already started for me.  The big boss was out today, which allows us all to breathe a bit easier.  There was plenty to do, but I had an extra hop in my step, which I really needed after yesterday.  My hormones are still fucking with me, but I only welled up once I think, today.  Just a little after an email from a sweet friend, but we'll get to her later.

What's made today so nice is that I didn't have any appt.'s after work, and I didn't need to run the boys around.  Brian was able to get off a little early, and that helped a ton.  So, I actually had a real night, with time with my hubby and all.  We needed it.  I think I even got him into Grey's Anatomy.  I hadn't been watching t.v. much at all, since I started working.  But I've made it a point to watch G.A. over the past 4 weeks (getting caught up on DVR).  I don't know why I always kind of forget about it, because it really is one of my favorite shows, if not my fave.  The past 3 or 4 episodes have been really great.  I watched the season finale tonight.  SOB...  I won't say any more than that, except for, as usual wrong show to watch while hormonal.  But good....

I decided to take 2 weeks off from even thinking about the probable move to Byron, IL.  This decision has taken a weight off of my shoulders.  Hopefully in two weeks I'll be able to go into it with a fresh mind, instead of the one that's fucked it hard, and put it away wet.  At some point, I just have to stop myself from overthinking things.  This is my attempt.

I was very proud of Brian for actually getting his resume on a couple of websites tonight.  It's essential for me to not feel like I'm carrying it all on my shoulders, even if it's not always really the case.  In a perfect world, he'd get a call tomorrow, and they'd offer him a job in one of the areas we've agreed on, along with a nice pay, moving expenses, truck, etc.  But this isn't a perfect world.  Maybe it'll happen on Tues.  haha.  I mean, how can everyone not want to hire him?  He really is killer.

Our laptop got here way early.  Instead of it arriving in a month, as projected, we got it on the 2nd business day.  I'm still trying to get used to it.  I don't love laptops.  I need to hook up my wireless mouse, too.  Who has time for trying to learn how to use the thingeemabob that drags the curser, etc?  I have zero patience for computers.  Also, I'd installed a spell check on my old one for web usage.  I have no desire to figure that out on here, yet, so for now, you'll get all of my imperfect spelling.

Tomorrow will be just one week away from my Lasik.  I'm excited, but I'm really super nervous.  I do know that I've got to get my eating together next week.  I want to go into it, with my body believing that I'm a healthy person.  It's funny just how quickly your body does respond when you eat/drink well.  I miss that.....

Well today (Friday when I know she will be reading this) my dear, friend Tammi joins our little clique of the big 4-0.  She's going into it pretty much like I did.  Of course she is.  We are so very similar.  I swear sometimes it's like we were born twins.  I'm so glad that we're not, though.  I'd surely hate her, because she's so much more attractive and fit than me.  And really, who needs that, when I can have her be my "sister" in real life.  I don't know anyone that's more accepting, loving, and genuine toward the people she loves.  Plus, I think it says a lot about her, when she has a nickname of "Giggles" from our dear friend Wally (Yes, Kara Wallace, you'll always be Wally, Otteson will always be Otteson, Eliza will always be Eliza Holly Hanson or Olaf, then there's Myers and of course Tammi will always be Tammi Lee).  I love that we still call each other by our maiden names, drunken nicknames, or what have you.  But really, "Giggles" is perfect.  Life has thrown Tammi some curveballs over the years, but she's always able to dust herself off and keep that infectious laugh.  She lights up the room, and I'm so glad to have her be my sister, as she was in high school, as we turn 40, and as we hit 80 I'm sure (but we both know we won't know who the fuck the other is then.  She's the only one with a memory as bad as mine).  Even as we'll be repeatedly meeting each other "for the first time" in our 80's, we'll always come out of it as great friends.  So, Tammi Lee.  Here's to your day.  I love you Girlie.

~Jen

This is Amy. I'm the idiot that didn't see Jen's email yesterday and failed to post her blog yesterday. Sorry about that. this is f


I know the first thing on your mind this morning is, did Jen’s Aunt Flow
finally arrive?   That would be a no.  But thanks for thinking of me; )

I’m not a morning person. In fact, if there’s a “worst morning person” in the world, I’d be in the  running.  I typically don’t sleep  well, so I almost automatically end up waking in a bad mood. 
I must admit that this morning was pretty comical, though, and I can even
appreciate that.  I’ve mentioned  before that I’ve been getting night sweats.  Lately they haven’t been near as bad, though.  Thank goodness.  But especially since I’m PMS’ing, I’ve got them a bit.  So, I’m lying  there in bed this morning after the alarm and I kind of bend my knees, while  thinking of how much I don’t want to get out of bed.  After a bit, I hear something fall to the bed. 
I thought, wtf?  I think that came from my hamstring.  I look, and it was a penny.  Haha. I was sweaty enough  that a penny had been stuck to me for God knows how long.  I had to crack up.  After I showered and came back in the room, I also noticed a quarter on the bed.  I’m sure that had to be stuck to me
somewhere, too. Is this what it’s come to?  :)

After I got ready, I went into the kitchen to find Brian making  coffee.  He was in a t-shirt and  his underwear.  I just started cracking up.  He’s like what…  I said, you look like a girl in your t-shirt and underwear (He never walks around like that. He always has pajama bottoms on.  Truthfully I would love it if he’d walk around shirtless, though.  I love his chest.  It’s the hottest thing when he’s in p.j. bottoms and no shirt.  But, he’s not “no shirt Guy.”)  Anyway, he’s like what, don’t you like looking at my bottom.  I said, yeah, it’d be hot if I were attracted to girls, and we both just started  cracking up (btw he and I both know that I am a little, J)  We went back and forth with digs, and then all of a sudden I got this feeling.   You know that feeling…  But
bam, reality hits, uh, I have to leave for work, he needs to get ready for work,
the kids are awake, and Junior needs to be fed. Anyway, there was that moment. You know the kind of moment, you see in
those stupid Viagra commercials or whichever one you take that lasts all day for when the “moment hits.”  Anyway, it was a great way to start a morning. 
True laughter is the greatest, especially with the one you love.  Life gets in the way all too often, and it’s easy to get caught up in all the wrong things. 
Those raw moments of remembering why you love them, when it’s most unexpected is the greatest.

As you know by now, if I don’t immediately start with how my  diet’s going, you know it’s not going good. Well, that’s an understatement for  yesterday and today.  I’m not beating myself up for it, though.  I’ll get through it, but I’ll tell you one thing: I’m not weighing myself tomorrow.  
 
Anyone that knows me, knows that I have lists for just about everything.  I love making up stupid things that make you think about what makes you happy or what have you.  So, this morning, as I’m  driving to work (while sexually frustrated), I was listening to an old mix c.d., when“Afternoon Delight” came on.  Man, I still love, love, love that song.  I so wish I could sing, just so I could
do it karaoke!  And it made me start thinking about little, silly things, that make me happy (not the super important things like my kids laugh or anything like that), just fun things that are just for you.  So, I will now put down my favorite 5 silly things that make me happy.  Funny that as soon as I type that, S&M came on Pandora. Haha.  No, that won’t make  the list.  Sorry to say, I’m not very “Fifty Shades of Grey.”  Never done any of that.  Anyway, I digress.  So, without any real thought, here are my top 5.

1)      A.D.  (Afternoon Delight)  I love it when the mood hits,
when it’s least expected and Brian and I make something out of an afternoon,
where there were no expectations.

2)     Howard Stern. I love listening to him and the gang. I love that my friend Kathy and I have the same deep love for the show.  We talked about Robin and her tumor at length the other night.  Robin  feels like she’s one of our group. 
The show really does feel like a family.

3)     Music.  I love that I turn up “Boyfriend” by Justin Beiber, and the next minute I’m rocking out to Freebird.  Music is my  outlet.

 4)     I love all things, stupid games related.  I love playing f/m/k, making lists of any sort, and just the dialogue and thought that goes into it with my friends and me.  I also love any sort of board game, esp. Apples to Apples or any music trivia.

 5)      In the spirit of today being Erin’s birthday, and Tammi’s coming up in a couple of days. I love sending cards to people.  I love picking out cards.  I
can spend an hour in the card aisle, and walk away with one. To me, I adore that feeling of finding that perfect card for whoever it  might be, even if it’s 11 months before their birthday.   I’ll buy it, and get excited all over again, when I rediscover it just before their bday.

 I feel like I’m talking to myself,
for the most part in doing this blog, but if you’re reading this: what are your
fave 5 things?  What are the
little, silly things that make you happy or smile?
 
Have a great day, my friends.

 
Jen



Afternoon Delight


The Starland Vocal Band



Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her
tight


gonna grab some afternoon
delight.


My motto's always been; when its right,
it's right.


Why wait until the middle of a cold dark
night.


When everything's a little clearer in
the light of day.


And you know the night is always gonna
be there any way.



Sky rockets in flight. 
Afternoon delight. Afternoon delight.



Thinkin' of you's workin' up my
appetite


looking forward to a little afternoon
delight.


Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes
the sparks ignite


and the thought of rubbin' you is
getting so exciting.



Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon
delight. Afternoon delight.



Started out this morning feeling so
polite


I always though a fish could not be
caught who wouldn't bite


But you've got some bait a waitin' and I
think I might try nibbling


a little afternoon
delight.



Skyrockets in flight. Afternoon delight.
Afternoon delight.



Please be waiting for me baby when I
come around.


We could make a lot of lovin' 'forthe
sun goes down.



Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon
delight. Afternoon delight.



Repeat chorus.



source:
  http://www.lyricsondemand.com/onehitwonders/afternoondelightlyrics.html

Holy shit.  Today was just a bad day.  You know those days, where it just seems to be one obstacle after another?  For starters, that bitch, Aunt Flow still isn't here.  WTF?  My boobs have been killing me since Fri.  I feel like I could nurse all of Octomom's kids.  The nice thing about this round of PMS is that I hadn't been challenged emotionally by the hormones.  They got me a little bit today, but still, I can't complain too much.  And just to let everyone know, maybe the worst words you can say to me, when I make a comment about the PMS, and how flow hasn't shown is: You aren't late, yet, right?  Amy, you know I love you, but it's a good thing you couldn't see my glare through the text :)  My cycle is all over the place, but I'm quite sure at this point, I'm late. There was a day when  being late meant something entirely different, than it does now, at my advanced age.

Things have been sort of plugging along pretty well.  I've been really tired, but I go through this every month.  Yesterday was a decent day until I had therapy.  Ah, my love/hate relationship with therapy.  The difference with this session, as opposed to most, is that I went in there with an agenda.  I wanted to address my weight issues.  I really wanted to tackle, why I can't bring myself to take control over this situation, when I know how....  We began by talking about my little, uh, "episode" a couple of weeks ago, when I got much harder on myself than normal, and even came to the realization that I "hate" myself.  Ooh, that was a tough one.  I didn't want to relive that stuff, but since I still feel the same way on some levels, it needed to be dealt with.  Once again, it's all about how "all or nothing" I am.  Dammit.  I really need to find that happy medium with just about everything.  Anyway, it was a decent session, but of course, I didn't walk out of there with all of the answers, or really even some of them.  I did later realize that the self hatred is mostly weight related, and the baggage that goes with it.  I left therapy and had to drive an hour to pick up some prescriptions (mostly for my impending Lasik).  It hit me on that drive...I was spent.  I mean, really, really tired.  It was going to take a bit to fill the prescriptions, so I practiced a little self care and went across the street to a restaurant for an app and beer.  I hadn't had a drink, since being such a dumb ass at K's house a couple of weeks ago.  I do know that was mostly mixing antibiotics with alcohol, but still, dumb, dumb, dumb.  Even before that, I'd decided I was going to really cut down on the drinking, and I have.   I only had the one beer yesterday, and so that makes twice that I've drank in the past 4 weeks I believe.  I still think about it.  I think about it mostly as something that might help me sleep (sleep has been terrible lately), but I also know that's just a plain stupid reason to drink.  So, I am glad that I gave myself back some control in that aspect of my life.  Anyway, I went to p/u the prescriptions and was shocked to learn they were $250 after insurance.  It's mostly for these dumb little eye drops.  They really should add in all the prescriptions related to the surgery, as I think I'm already over $400 into them, and I still have more to p/u before next week.

This morning I had to go in early to work.  There was a big tour coming through the plant, and I needed to finish cleaning up our area.  It was so hard to peel myself out of bed this morning.  Ugh.  Driving in I heard an awesome interview on Stern w/ "The Hoff."  That guy kills me.  What a schmuck.  But what a loaded schmuck, who continues to capitalize off of whatever zany image he may have at the moment.  After the interview, I switched over to some music.  My favorite song, "I Won't Give Up," by Jason Mraz came right on.  Immediately my eyes welled with tears.  LMAO....  I love the song, but I don't have any emotional attachment to it.  It doesn't remind me of anyting.  I just find it beautifully simplistic.  I thought, shit...the hormones finally got me :)  I switched over to another song, and soon found Mraz on another station with the same result.  Haha.  What a punk.  It's a good thing I didn't have my headphones with me at work.  I wanted to listen to music while I swept up the warehouse, but I probably would've turned into a pile of mush!  Right from the start, this morning, I was running at work.  Today was by far the bussiest day I've had there.  It wasn't just a super busy day, it was also super stressful.  Things just kept coming out of nowhere, and it was trying to avoid fires all day.  In all the business of the day, I also had a meeting, with 7 other ppl.  It's a weekly meeting, but the head guy wanted to sit in on it today.  The 8 of us waited out in the hot warehouse for 1/2 hour.  Oooohhhhh....not good.  Just like most ppl, I hate to have my time wasted, esp. on a day like today.  The co. was also supposed to bring in lunch, but as we found out after the long meeting, as the guy who was supposed to order it in, said in passing, "oh sorry about lunch, guys, I'll get you next time."  Wha-wha-wha-what?  Dem are wrong words to say to a woman engaged in PMS from hell.....  I was starving, plus feeling sick, since I hadn't eaten since early that morning and it was a doughnut and soda....  There was more from there, but you get the point.  I continued to run, run, run, until work was over.  From there I had to speed into Walnut to p/u Cal (we both had dentist apps) and had to drop Ryne at baseball practice, and then drive into the "city."  Just when I thought my terrible day wasn't going to get much more, I found out that I do need another f'ing root canal and crown on the one we thought we wouldn't have to do until next year.  Yes, after insurance that's $1705 folks.  Surely I've got that just laying around, right?  :)  For as much as I've had to spend on this mouth this year, you'd think I'd have the gold teeth, like the rappers.  At least then I could understand how it's so damned expensive.  From there, Cal and I went to Wal-Mart and got gifts for the teachers and assts.  Tomorrow is the boys last day of school.  Wow.....they really do grow up too fast....

This brings us to tonight.  It's not been a great day, but I've been able to get some stuff done around the house, and was able to spend some time with the boys.  I even snuck a short bath in there.  So, I am proud of the fact that I was able to remain in the present, and I didn't seek too much escape.  I've got a couple of things to do, and then I need to put some thought into getting uncorked.  Do I take matters into my own hands, or do I pull Brian away from his beloved MSNBC....  haha.  Either way, I'm forcing this f'ing thing to come alone.

Hope you guys all had a great day.  We are almost to a 3 day weekend!  yay!  Oh, I've only heard from one of you on the 5 simple, silly things that make you happy.  Think about it.  It really is fun.

~Jen


 

Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration… 
But I’m deep in the throes of the bloating, boobs killing me, and stomach
pain.  I’ll take this any day, though.  My hormones aren’t throwing me for a huge loop, and so I really can’t complain. Instead of complaining, I’m eating.  I started off great this morning, with a Peach smoothie, and soda water. 
I had visions of a great day.  Today’s the day I’m getting off of pop, right?  I get to work, and all the symptoms are hitting full on, when I see  there’s homemade f’ing chocolate cupcakes in the lunch room. I had one, and they are pretty small. I told myself, okay, that’s not that  bad….then I had 2.  Then I had 2 pcs of my 72% cacao Ghirardelli chocolate, just to get totally off of the chocolate fix.  They are so rich, that it usually curbs my craving.  Not today.  And then I did the bad, bad, bad thing…I got a Pepsi.  So, of course, now I’m SUPER bloated.  I picked a bad day to quick drinking soda.  So, I guess it’s gone from my life tomorrow.  BTW, whenever I  think of “I picked a bad day to quit…..,” I think of the movie “Airplane.”  Truly one of my favorite movies
ever.  “Surely, you can’t be serious.  I am serious. And quit calling me Shirley.” 
I don’t know how many times I’ve used that line in my life.  Nothing gets old for me.  Sometimes it wonderful to have such a simple mind!  My niece just turned 17 recently, and I got her that movie, along w/ a bunch of other 80’s classics: Sixteen Candles, Breakfast Club, and a couple others, that I can’t recall off hand. She loves to watch movies, and I figured she hadn’t seen them.  She said her and her friends loved watching them.  Which makes me smile, but then I picture them stoned (not that I really thinks she smokes….)
watching the movies, like we used to, and I hope she’s a better kid than I
was.  And most definitely than her  mom was.  LOL.


This weekend was crazy busy. 
The weekend started early with the school visits in Oregon (town in IL)
  and Byron.  The school in Byron is  spectacular.  They are putting
that nuclear money to good use.  The O.T. room looks like what Caleb had when we paid for O.T. privately.  They have a swing in there and everything.  They have a school psychologist which is involved heavily with each child with an I.E.P.  All around, it was way more than anything we could ask for, for Caleb’s needs, out of a school.   For Ryne, it went above all expectations as well.  field house is nicer than any I’ve seen in a college.  It’s an indoor track w/ multiple basketball courts, pit, everything.  Kids 4th grade and up are each issued their own laptop, as well.  All classrooms  have smart boards, etc.  We were all blown away.  We took the boys (Ryne, literally went kicking and screaming). They boys both loved the Byron school, but Ryne says he’s not moving.  He’s been a real peach about it all.  I can’t blame him for not wanting to move again, but at some point I’d hope he’d trust us to make the best decisions for him and his brother.

Sat. morning I had my follow up w/ the Lasik eye Dr.  I got the green light for the surgery!  I’m beyond excited….  I set up the appt. for 6/1.  I’m counting the days!  When they called this morning, to set it up, it truly turned my day around.  As I mentioned earlier, I’ve got the P.M.S. in a bad way.  Then, the
same Maintenance guy that asked if I was Eskimo…(last thing any Native ever
wants to hear), was talking about Donna Summer this morning. 
He said, well you probably graduated late 70’s, maybe early 80’s.  Dude, really….I know you’re trying to  make conversation, but just stop. 
You make me feel like sh!t.  So, after I quickly corrected him, I told him and another guy that I’m  PMS’ing so they better watch out today.  LOL.  Nothing like scaring men off!


After my 3 hours of driving Sat. morning, I came home to clean and get ready for Ryne’s slumber party. We cleaned the heck out of that house. I love it when it’s like that.  I wish we could keep it that clean all the time. I did the extra
cleaning, because our landlord was also going to show the house on Sun. (So nice that we have a lease, but he’s still trying to sell it….)  There were 5 boys, plus our 2.  Wow. What an eye opener to see boys around that age.  Ryne
never has anyone over to play, so it was cool to see how well he interacted with
all of them.  Plus, it made me very thankful that our kids, are our kids. 
Those boys were freaking rowdy!  We took them into town and got pizza and apps. Afterward, we took them all bowling.  They really had a great time.  And the saying is true, boys will be boys!  Ryne was the first to fall asleep (a little after midnight), and at 12:45 the others were still going strong, but that’s when I fell asleep.

The next morning was crazy as we had to clean up from  all of the boys’ activities.  They completely destroyed the basement.  They even had stuff from the garage down there, including the snow shovel.   Boxes were completely flattened, etc.  There  are some questions that you really don’t want the answers to.  After we got everything picked up, we all had to get out of the house (as
they showed up 40 mins early to see the house).  So, we all went (including) Junior on a road trip out to Byron.  We really want Ryne to get onboard, but he’s not.  We went and looked at a couple of houses.  There are a few houses available, but rent out there is crazy, high. I really am finding it very hard to swallow, possibly doubling our rent….  I don’t want to throw all of our money
out on rent, when we need to be saving for a house.  So, that’s really making me think some more about the whole situation.  UGH!!!!


Anyway, in a nutshell, our weekend was full of hormonal  11 yo boys, cleaning, and driving.   I’m exhausted today (which I’m sure the PMS is contributing too as well).  But all in all, it’s a good day.  The sun is shining and my  mood is good.  PMS is not controlling me today.

Hope you guys all had a great weekend.

~Jen

I thought it fitting to take a chapter title  from the Skinny Bitch book for today’s subject.  It’s such a simple concept.  I can ask why we don’t think about it, with every bite we take, but I know the answer. I’ve been really beating myself up lately for my weight.  I don’t know if you’ve seen that or not  ; ) 
And you know, it’s so stupid, but probably for the first time I realized  I’m not alone in this.  I always feel like I am, and I’m the only one that’s so messed up. 
But I think every person that eats too much, or doesn’t “care” about  their weight battles the same issues. 
We are either totally unconscious eaters, or we are consciously eating in
order to try to make the stress or pain go away.  I do both.  When I’m unconsciously eating, it’s probably because I’m in a vacant  place, and when I do it intentionally, it’s almost like death by food.  When I’m in that place, I really don’t  care.  I guess it’s the same for  most addictions.  So, I tell you I
feel liberated by the fact that I’m not alone in this.   It’s silly that I ever feel that I’m alone, when I’ve gotten so many nice  messages from some of you who battle the same war, as me.  So, today it’s nice not to feel alone.  It also feels nice to know that I’m not  in that place right now. But what  feels best, is that I feel so inspired right now, and the thought that I might  inspire someone to lose weight makes me feel better than anything in this  world!  And although I’ve done terribly lately, I do have to still give myself some form of credit for being down 50 lbs. from my highest weight.

 I was able to work out yesterday after work.  Even though I hate working out, I always feel great about it  afterward.  Looks like I’ll be able  to work out tonight, too. Brian  lost his car keys yesterday, and since it’s an electronic key (and he doesn’t  have a spare….), he has to get it towed 20 miles to the dealership. 
Also, it’s all wheel drive, so I think they have to use the flat  bed. This is going to be  expensive…. Oh well, what am I going to do? So, since he’s taken
today off to take care of things, it looks like I’ll have time after work.  

I’m embarrassed to say that I actually got really pissed about  something so dumb yesterday.  Mad is an emotion that I don’t really have all that often, since I hold everything  in.  But I was pissed.  I guess at some point, I’m going to have to not be disappointed when I’m  not the first thing someone thinks of when they have something big in their  life.  I can’t understand why :)  At
least I figured that out this morning.

So, driving in this morning, I heard, Thank You by Alanis.  Before the
stress really came into my life, I used to think of this song as my mantra.  When I could first add music for a  ringtone, it was the first one I ever used. Anyway, it brought back a great memory  of Dracy and I singing it at her holiday party years ago.   Clearly, we were pretty tanked.  She had a karaoke machine or something like that, and we sang it over and over.  Her husband was so
pissed.  Clearly we were ruining  his fancy party.  Haha.  Anyway, there are certain people in your life that really “get” you, and  Dracy is one of them.  Man, I miss  her and everyone else back home. 
Anyway, I’ll give you the lyrics. 
Because I’m sure everyone out there is a total music dork like me, right ; )

So, today I leave you with something my friend said, way back when, when we did the 10 Things I love about myself: 
I love that I  place my health near the top of my priority list  I  wish this for all of us. May you put your health first today and most days.  Best of luck.
 
~Jen


Food:
6:30   Smoothie (water, flax seed, spinach, banana,  blueberries)
 6:45  Can of Diet Coke
 7:40  Handful of Kashi cereal, so I can take my  meds

 I also juiced last night, so I’ll be having  some of the green stuff this afternoon.
 
how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating
when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that  ever elusive kudo

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you
disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank
you silence

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me
enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive
you
how bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india
thank
you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you
consequence
thank you thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was
the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of
it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being
masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly
bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank
you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you
nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence