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Diariesofafatass.com

You Are What You Eat

5/17/2012

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I thought it fitting to take a chapter title  from the Skinny Bitch book for today’s subject.  It’s such a simple concept.  I can ask why we don’t think about it, with every bite we take, but I know the answer. I’ve been really beating myself up lately for my weight.  I don’t know if you’ve seen that or not  ; ) 
And you know, it’s so stupid, but probably for the first time I realized  I’m not alone in this.  I always feel like I am, and I’m the only one that’s so messed up. 
But I think every person that eats too much, or doesn’t “care” about  their weight battles the same issues. 
We are either totally unconscious eaters, or we are consciously eating in
order to try to make the stress or pain go away.  I do both.  When I’m unconsciously eating, it’s probably because I’m in a vacant  place, and when I do it intentionally, it’s almost like death by food.  When I’m in that place, I really don’t  care.  I guess it’s the same for  most addictions.  So, I tell you I
feel liberated by the fact that I’m not alone in this.   It’s silly that I ever feel that I’m alone, when I’ve gotten so many nice  messages from some of you who battle the same war, as me.  So, today it’s nice not to feel alone.  It also feels nice to know that I’m not  in that place right now. But what  feels best, is that I feel so inspired right now, and the thought that I might  inspire someone to lose weight makes me feel better than anything in this  world!  And although I’ve done terribly lately, I do have to still give myself some form of credit for being down 50 lbs. from my highest weight.

 I was able to work out yesterday after work.  Even though I hate working out, I always feel great about it  afterward.  Looks like I’ll be able  to work out tonight, too. Brian  lost his car keys yesterday, and since it’s an electronic key (and he doesn’t  have a spare….), he has to get it towed 20 miles to the dealership. 
Also, it’s all wheel drive, so I think they have to use the flat  bed. This is going to be  expensive…. Oh well, what am I going to do? So, since he’s taken
today off to take care of things, it looks like I’ll have time after work.  

I’m embarrassed to say that I actually got really pissed about  something so dumb yesterday.  Mad is an emotion that I don’t really have all that often, since I hold everything  in.  But I was pissed.  I guess at some point, I’m going to have to not be disappointed when I’m  not the first thing someone thinks of when they have something big in their  life.  I can’t understand why :)  At
least I figured that out this morning.

So, driving in this morning, I heard, Thank You by Alanis.  Before the
stress really came into my life, I used to think of this song as my mantra.  When I could first add music for a  ringtone, it was the first one I ever used. Anyway, it brought back a great memory  of Dracy and I singing it at her holiday party years ago.   Clearly, we were pretty tanked.  She had a karaoke machine or something like that, and we sang it over and over.  Her husband was so
pissed.  Clearly we were ruining  his fancy party.  Haha.  Anyway, there are certain people in your life that really “get” you, and  Dracy is one of them.  Man, I miss  her and everyone else back home. 
Anyway, I’ll give you the lyrics. 
Because I’m sure everyone out there is a total music dork like me, right ; )

So, today I leave you with something my friend said, way back when, when we did the 10 Things I love about myself: 
I love that I  place my health near the top of my priority list  I  wish this for all of us. May you put your health first today and most days.  Best of luck.
 
~Jen


Food:
6:30   Smoothie (water, flax seed, spinach, banana,  blueberries)
 6:45  Can of Diet Coke
 7:40  Handful of Kashi cereal, so I can take my  meds

 I also juiced last night, so I’ll be having  some of the green stuff this afternoon.
 
how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating
when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that  ever elusive kudo

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you
disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank
you silence

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me
enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive
you
how bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india
thank
you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you
consequence
thank you thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was
the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of
it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being
masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly
bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank
you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you
nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence

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    Jen

    Age 47
    Married 24 years
    2 boys, 18 & 15
    email: diariesofafatass@gmail.com


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