I actually don't mind kale, but don't try to sell me on putting it in a smoothie. I've fallen for that one too many times. I'll throw just about anything in a smoothie. You can hide some veggies in there, that you normally wouldn't eat. For me, anyway, kale adds a really strong taste, and I end up barely choking it down. Try it for yourself. I know people like it, as the person recently who sold me on trying it once again. Those people are batshit crazy, but it takes all kinds.

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. It's so nice to have the four days off in a row, but it always goes too quickly. I spent the week of Thanksgiving sick with some cold-type thing. I'm still not truly 100%, but I'm thinking tomorrow will be the day. It was nice to return to work yesterday with people telling me I looked so much better than last week. haha. I didn't let it stop me, though and was able to do my first Turkey Trot. I'm grateful that it didn't totally grab me as it had some coworkers who ended up on antibiotics. I know, it could've been worse and was happy to be able to spend the holidays still doing what I wanted, even though I didn't feel well. We were lucky enough to be invited over to a friend's house for Thanksgiving. This family has always included us, and we are so lucky to have them and White Five's family, who also is always so gracious with holiday invites. Having friends that become family is so special, especially for someone who desperately misses being around her family-so far from home.

I'm continuing to lose weight, although at a slow pace. I'm happy with my progress and am just a few ounces from being in that last ten. I've always looked to the next ten pound loss as my goal, because the overall number was too daunting to think about. I actually did not like to talk/think about my goal weight, because I never thought I'd get there. I remember early in this process thinking, you still won't be at your goal when you lose 100 pounds. I then would push that out of my head as I thought, there's no way you'll lose 100 pounds. No way. So, to be going into this last ten is a pretty giant deal for me. I can't say for sure if I'll think that's enough. I look at my body and think there's more than 10 pounds to lose there. For now, 10 pounds is the goal, though. I've slayed nearly 120 pounds, this next ten really needs to be my bitch.

Do you know what a burpee is? I really didn’t before this boot camp. I'd seen my friend do them while we were on vacation, but I didn't want to be creepy and watch. I knew it was something my body could not handle. Everything about burpees screams, I'll fuck up my back or my knee. Now, these are not really absurd thoughts. My body is kind of a mess. There's the part of me that always hears my knee surgeon telling me to only do non-weight bearing activities. Brian always likes to tell the story of the surgeon coming out after my surgery and telling him, "She'll never be the same." I think of the chiro who put the fear of God into me, when she explained why I can't have my back cracked- you know- because it could break. She told me a million things I couldn't do, including lifting weight over my head. I think of these things. I think of all the pain I've been through and pain I feel most days. The thing is, I keep getting stronger, and I'm having a tougher and tougher time, accepting that my body is fucked. I mean, it's now 120 pounds down from its heaviest, and we survived that. I guess, I'm tired of knowing what I think my limitation are. So, unplanned yesterday, during boot camp- I did real burpees. I was slow, but I did them-a lot of them. I didn't think I could do it, and I survived, and I survived today, though of course feeling it a bit.

Today, I'm drained. I didn't sleep well, and I really didn't want to go down to the track tonight to get my steps in. I made myself go and half a mile into my walk, decided I wanted to run…Here's the thing…I tried running a few times earlier this summer and was unable to really walk for the next few days after, each time. I finally had to tell myself to not run anymore, period. Walking works. It worked through this whole weight loss. I don't know where the fuck this came from today, but about half mile into my walk, I decided to run. I would run the 200M track and then walk a lap, repeat. I did this for the next two miles. I ran. It bothered my knee and back just a bit, but I did it. I can't tell you how happy this made me…how alive I felt. A swim mom, who I'm quite friendly with happened to be at the track on my last lap, she gave me the biggest smile and thumbs up. She had no idea, I don't run. She was just happy to see me out there, and I was so grateful for seeing her. The old me, would've beat herself up, saying she's just encouraging the fat girl to keep it up. Thank God, I don't think that way anymore. I beat myself up about enough things (holy fuck-all day today). To me, it was just a woman cheering on her friend. That, is huge progress for me. Anyway, my back is hurting quite a bit right now, but I'm hopeful I will recover more quickly than in the past. I'm also hoping my knees are forgiving as well, because I want to keep running. I need to keep making progress. The fire is returning… A couple of weeks ago, Brian and I went and shot hoops. I hadn't shot in years, but I knew I needed to feel athletic again. Being as weak as I am in the boot camp, had taken its toll, and I needed to remind myself that there is an actual athlete in there somewhere. This was big for me. It was like riding a bike-like super rusty bike, but the motions were there. Also, I beat Brian at PIG, and let's face it: that's most important. haha!

In this time of thanks, I'm especially thankful to have made some of the relationships I have lately. It feels good to feel like a part of something as great as this group I workout with. A friend from boot camp text me, while I was on the track. I told her about my running, and it felt so good to share it with someone, I knew would understand what it meant to me. I'm also especially thankful for these relationships, as I have a date for next Taco Tuesday (75 cent tacos) :)

This journey is riddled with missteps at every turn. I rarely have what I would call a "perfect day" of eating, but I've found a good balance. Thank God, because I can't picture my life without wine or tacos. Remember this on your journey- none of us are perfect, not even close. The key is to keep banging it out. Slow and steady wins the race. If you haven't started yet, please don't wait for 2018. Start now, start tomorrow. Let's go into this next year, feeling fucking great.

​~Jen

As I get closer to my goal-weigh, I just keep thinking: can’t we skip to the part where I’m there? I know this is crazy talk, but it’s probably how must of us feel. It is exhausting thinking about every single thing we put in our bodies, while making mostly the right choices. It’s the times that I choose to have a little of this or a little of that, knowing it’s not the best decision for my body-that wears on me. I’ve gotten better as time has gone on, but really I need to just fucking relax a bit. One day, this will all get easier. I know I won’t have to think and contemplate every little thing. It will just be habit. I just want to be at that place now…. The sucky part is, I’m not sure that getting to my goal weight will be enough (12.5 pounds away). My body still has a ways to go, and when looking at my BMI the other day, I discovered that “normal” BMI is actually one pound less than my goal weight. Boy, that was a gut punch. When I started this journey, I just wanted to feel “normal”. I grew tired of feeling sick and being invisible. It felt like the weight was this magic invisibility shield. I no longer feel like someone who didn’t exist or embarrassed to be in public…or thinking I’m embarrassing the people who chose to be around me…This was all head fuck stuff. The weight didn’t make me invisible. I made myself invisible. I still do, to a large extent. I’m working on it. A couple of weeks ago, I text a friend and asked how her evening was going. She replied, but then immediately asked if everything was okay. I was away from my phone and by the time I saw it, she asked again if I were okay. This is a friend I talk to most days (during the day), but it really hit me, that it had become such unusual behavior for me to reach out and say hello in the evening-that it worried her. I know I need to get better about reaching out to people or even responding. I want to….I want to be the person I was before, in terms of the relationships in my life. An Auntie called and left me a really sweet voicemail this weekend. I didn’t get back to her, and she called again last night, and I picked up. I’m so glad I did. We had the most wonderful conversation. I miss having those conversations with people. I’m working on it…I really am.

I was in Wal-Mart a couple of weeks ago and was wearing a WSU Cougars sweatshirt. A man-I’d say in his eighties approached me, saying he never really knew what a cougar was. I said, “I’m sorry, what was that?” He repeated himself before grabbing my arm and getting really close to my face and saying, “I bet they bite.” He had a disgusting smile on his face before releasing me and walking off. It took me a few minutes to really comprehend what had just happened. My first thought was, this wouldn’t have happened if I were still super fat. In that moment, I wanted to feel invisible, again. Maybe it would have-maybe not. It’s just the way my mind works. There is protection in invisibility.

A few weeks ago, we did a different type of workout, based on reps and rounds, with 800M “runs” in between. I was so far behind. I don’t run, because I can’t walk right for a few days after running. I had to make that rule for myself, after the last time of limping along. So, that puts me further behind people, I’m already super far behind. I would come back and would be so lost on what we were supposed to be doing. The workout was kicking my ass, but I knew I was going to finish, no matter what. It all started to catch up with me as more time went on more and more people are multiple sets ahead of me. By the time I came in, most people had already left or were chatting with each other. I still had 30 burpees ahead of me (mine are modified though) and a partner plank workout. A woman was kind enough to say she’d waited to do the partner workout with me, even though she’d already done it. I broke down in tears. I was just so humiliated from being so very far behind everyone else. When I was on the track, I kept thinking, you’ve lost over 115 pounds, and you are still so far behind everyone and always will be. I told her I was just humiliated and turned around to do the burpees. Another woman approached and offered as well, and saw me crying. After I finished the burpees, I asked one of the women to do the partner workout with me and we finished. It really was such a heavy moment for me. Fast forward to this past weekend: we did a 5k to end boot camp. I knew I would be last….and was. I was really proud of my effort of 45 mins. I’m not a fast walker, but I gave it my all the whole time. It was emotional coming across the finish line so far behind everyone, but it’s such a great, supportive group, they quickly put me at ease. I’m telling you these humiliating stories to again hammer home the point: if I can do it…you can do it…. I know if I saw anyone else in my position, I would be super proud of them and give them all of the encouragement I could. I need to learn how to talk to myself in that way.

I’ve talked a lot about how difficult things have felt lately, but still it’s all so worth it. I know that with every choice, every workout, every tear. (And you know what…I’m doing this next boot camp. I’m getting stronger. I know it.) I feel a million times better than I did before I started this journey. I’ve been so honored to talk to so many of you about your story and where you want to go. I truly feel privileged about this every single day. We all want to jump to the good part – where we are at our goal weight and it’s easier. It will happen. It will. I promise. Just keep making the choice you know will get you to that place. You’re worth it. So am I….

Enjoy your Hump Day
~Jen