I was in Wal-Mart a couple of weeks ago and was wearing a WSU Cougars sweatshirt. A man-I’d say in his eighties approached me, saying he never really knew what a cougar was. I said, “I’m sorry, what was that?” He repeated himself before grabbing my arm and getting really close to my face and saying, “I bet they bite.” He had a disgusting smile on his face before releasing me and walking off. It took me a few minutes to really comprehend what had just happened. My first thought was, this wouldn’t have happened if I were still super fat. In that moment, I wanted to feel invisible, again. Maybe it would have-maybe not. It’s just the way my mind works. There is protection in invisibility.
A few weeks ago, we did a different type of workout, based on reps and rounds, with 800M “runs” in between. I was so far behind. I don’t run, because I can’t walk right for a few days after running. I had to make that rule for myself, after the last time of limping along. So, that puts me further behind people, I’m already super far behind. I would come back and would be so lost on what we were supposed to be doing. The workout was kicking my ass, but I knew I was going to finish, no matter what. It all started to catch up with me as more time went on more and more people are multiple sets ahead of me. By the time I came in, most people had already left or were chatting with each other. I still had 30 burpees ahead of me (mine are modified though) and a partner plank workout. A woman was kind enough to say she’d waited to do the partner workout with me, even though she’d already done it. I broke down in tears. I was just so humiliated from being so very far behind everyone else. When I was on the track, I kept thinking, you’ve lost over 115 pounds, and you are still so far behind everyone and always will be. I told her I was just humiliated and turned around to do the burpees. Another woman approached and offered as well, and saw me crying. After I finished the burpees, I asked one of the women to do the partner workout with me and we finished. It really was such a heavy moment for me. Fast forward to this past weekend: we did a 5k to end boot camp. I knew I would be last….and was. I was really proud of my effort of 45 mins. I’m not a fast walker, but I gave it my all the whole time. It was emotional coming across the finish line so far behind everyone, but it’s such a great, supportive group, they quickly put me at ease. I’m telling you these humiliating stories to again hammer home the point: if I can do it…you can do it…. I know if I saw anyone else in my position, I would be super proud of them and give them all of the encouragement I could. I need to learn how to talk to myself in that way.
I’ve talked a lot about how difficult things have felt lately, but still it’s all so worth it. I know that with every choice, every workout, every tear. (And you know what…I’m doing this next boot camp. I’m getting stronger. I know it.) I feel a million times better than I did before I started this journey. I’ve been so honored to talk to so many of you about your story and where you want to go. I truly feel privileged about this every single day. We all want to jump to the good part – where we are at our goal weight and it’s easier. It will happen. It will. I promise. Just keep making the choice you know will get you to that place. You’re worth it. So am I….
Enjoy your Hump Day