Happy Friday! It's a great day to win 970 Million dollars….How nuts is that? I'm usually playing these large drawings with coworkers, but I'm not back at work - so I guess I'll have to figure out how to spend that kinda money all by my lonesome. Challenge, accepted! Actually, I love doing this with the people I work with. It's always so fun to listen to how having money could change their life (from the dream of living on an island to the things that move you to tears). Right now, I just think how nice it would be to not have to rush back to work after I get this brace off. I wouldn't need to win the whole jackpot for that. I'm not greedy. I'd take 970,000.

This week has been much better than the previous weeks. I'm less sore, and the mind is finally less cloudy. Hey, I've even stuck to my normal hair hschedule. I've been lucky enough to spend a lot of time with Brian (when he was off) and different friends. Getting out of the house is huge, and thankfully, I've felt less like a freak show when in public. I'm quite a ways from 100%, but in these last couple of weeks I have had a few 9,000+ step days. Funny enough, pre-surgery, I thought I'd be hitting 10k steps a day in week 2. Ha…so naïve in so many ways… I've even had to adjust my thinking for when this brace comes off (hopefully Wednesday!). My body is forcing me to listen, and I am. I will say that I'm stoked to hike, though. They will be shorter hikes than I'm used to, and the thought of a challenging hike is overwhelming…but it is so close  - I can smell it. Sitting at home, honestly sometimes my skin crawls…like I can actually feel it crawling. It makes me nuts. I have to remember that feeling when I'm 100% and want to be lazy.

I made a CD for a friend's birthday. Yes, this shows my age, and I could give a shit. I hadn't made a CD in quite some time. I wish it were as easy as it sounds - but son of a bitch if iTunes doesn't always throw some wrenches in there, and I had to do something to my computer just to make it work. From there, I was inspired. I made some CDs for another friend. It brings me happiness to make something that I know someone will enjoy, and she always does. While burning her CDs, iTunes again threw in a wrench, and it would burn the wrong playlists. Thank God for a new fangled thing called Google, so I could find a way around it (and for enough time on my hands that I had the patience to do so). I worked on finding the joy this past week. I was glad to be in a place where I could do so. I knew how important it was for my own mental wellness. Doing things that brought me peace and happiness, became my mission for the week. I'm grateful it has helped in a lot of ways.

I have the normal nerves I think most people would have about my appointment with the surgeon next week. I know the surgery has helped in a lot of ways, and I am stoked about that, knowing things will only continue to improve. The thing is…my neck still does not turn - less than before the surgery. I found this by accident while driving. Then, I tested it yesterday. I know I'm not supposed to yet, but I truly feel I'm at a point where it was okay to try that once. It may just be that the muscles are tight or weak from being in the brace 99% of the time for the past 5 weeks, and I pray that's it. It has to be.

I had a lot of anxiety about the posts I've done since the surgery. I know they have been raw, but that is the place I've been in. I especially second guessed the last post. Trust me in, nobody wants to write things like that. It's not an attention I seek. Yet, you have validated why I write like I do. I don't want anyone to feel like they are alone - because they/you are not. The honesty I've felt/heard from some of you this week, has truly touched me. Touched me, because you trust me with the things you had chosen to keep inside. It is so important to let those things out. That's what this blog does for me. I often write about the things I don't talk about with anyone. This is my way to let it out. We all need a way to let it out. It is critical for our self-care.

We all have our obstacles, our goals, and winding roads we are trying to navigate. I've been thinking a lot of about this and really, truly how lucky I am that my obstacles are so minor in the grand scheme of things. I honestly believe I will end up recovered from nearly all of these current issues. I'm blessed beyond measure. My Uncle Chris lived his whole life with cerebral palsy. He always gave life his all, and did things people never thought he'd be able to. Uncle Chris had a real spunk about him. He passed away, unexpectedly, at the end of last week. Since his passing, I have this video in my head, of him running, and talking with ease - of him laughing with my Grandma Mona and Aunt May. Uncle Chris is finally able to do the things we take for granted every day (I'm so very guilty of this). I can't wait to one day play Go Fish again with him, and I know, we will both still cheat and laugh our asses off about it. Please go out and live your life to the fullest today, no matter what that means for you. We owe it to ourselves, and the many people we love, who have lost the privileges we are so very blessed with.

I will leave you with a song by an artist that a friend recently insisted I listen to - and she was right - this gal is phenomenal. I love the lyrics to this song.
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~Jen

There is something amiss in the house. Jesse has been super affectionate since last night. She snuggled up to me at bedtime and didn't leave my side for quite a while. This morning, I fed her, but she came back to bed - again snuggling. When I came out to the living room, she jumped on the couch - once again, laying with her head right next to my lap. I've moved to another seat while I write, but she has remained out here, snoring away. I'm a little afraid I have some terminal disease or something she's picking up on. She is typically not much for affection. When I got sick, was underfoot for a while, knowing something was wrong. After this surgery, she's just been pissed that I can't take her for walks. Let me tell you, she wouldn't make a great therapy dog. I say all of this in jest (mostly), but I am loving this side of her. She is my little partner in crime, and I love her to death. 

I would love to write that everything is going swimmingly, but in all honesty, depression came with the surgery and doesn't want to let go.  Nobody wants to hear that side of it. People will text with good intentions, and they just want to hear that you're good - hearing someone isn't doing well is just uncomfortable. It's just human nature. I get it. It's what I want to hear from people when I check in on them. We want the people we love to be crushing life, to be enjoying every moment. Depression has shown its ugliness in different ways.  It has fed on the physical pain, the sleep deprivation, the vulnerabilities, the fear, the loneliness that comes with surgery. I think most people who have had surgery and/or illeness can relate in some way or another. It's of enough concern that it was a big topic, as part of the pre-op instructions. It was the only part of the pre-op appointment that they spoke directly to Brian, as if I weren't there. "She will need to get out and walk. Walk as much as she can. It's important to get some sun. Get her out as much as possible. It is necessary in keeping the spirits up. They will be low."  Of course, I wasn't worried too much about it - after going through all I had with the illness, I knew I could never be that low again - after all, it wasn't mental illness it was caused by physical illness. Haha....while true in a lot of ways, I should've called me out on my own bullshit. Depression is something that lives within me. I work with it all the time. I do things to stave it off. It's something I'll always have to address, and yes, since the illness, I haven't had a true blue bout with it.  Even now, through everything, I like to think I'm stronger than it, that I'm weak when it comes to visit. In fact, this time around, I keep focusing on the mental and physical improvements. Thank God, I am no longer spending entire days crying. Thank God, I'm not in terrible pain. It sucks that's what I have to measure against, but it is the truth. Also, the truth, is that I realized yesterday that I hadn't washed my hair in 5 days. (It is not comfortable, but I was much better about it in the beginning). I only realized this, after I was having the fight with myself in the morning to go brush my teeth. That's typically one of the first things I do, when I get up. Lately....every little thing is a struggle. It's funny, because I was reading "Girl, Wash Your Face," when all of this finally became apparent to me - when I finally admitted to myself, how much I've been struggling. I'm guessing there would be some sort of copyright infringement if I wrote, "Girl Wash Your Hair."

I write about these things, because I know I'm not alone, even when feeling my loneliest. You've told me I'm not alone. The words so many of you have written to me, make me feel like it is my duty to write my truth, no matter how painful.

This is my truth, but it does not mean, I don't try to fight it. I say try, because sometimes, winning is simply getting up from the near fetal position to feed my dog. Other times, it means, getting out and walking, when I don't want to do a fucking thing. I know I have to get better. I hate feeling like I do. It's like a weighted blanket, that I feel now, even as I type. I feel it in my heavy arms and eyes.  I'm so lucky in that I've come through the worst and I'm at a point where I plan how I will fight it. As backwards as this is, this morning, it meant driving thru McDonald's. I know McDonald's is unhealthy as fuck - but I drove....which I haven't done much of (only cleared for very short drives), and I can't wear the brace when driving. Driving is far from comfortable for me at this point. Still, to be able to turn on the radio and do something so small. Tomorrow is a big day for me, Brian and I are going to Costco. I planned this last week. Being in a car for long, is not easy yet (even as a passenger- just uncomfortable), but I need to do things that make me feel more human. I love Costco - way more than any person should. It's about an hour and a half from here, and I know the day will wipe me out, but I need this. Each day, I plan things that will hopefully bring me out of this. I read and started watching Ozark (but really binge watching t.v. is just a way to escape, and I need to tackle) - so I don't watch many in a row. Yesterday, I spoke with two friends on the phone. They are both people that are really good for my soul. I hadn't told one of them about the surgery yet, so she was a bit shocked, but as always, we had a wonderful conversation with laughter and tears. We just get each other. I'm not entirely sure why I am unable to reach out a lot of the time. I think it's because I've started to think of myself as damaged goods and a burden. I want to be funny....someone people like to be around...being like this....well, it's not what anyone wants. Those friends were good medicine. I think the strength for me to make that call, and the other called me after some texts - started after a good morning. A friend of mine turned 49 yesterday, and she had taken the day off of work. She had asked if I would walk with her and then go to breakfast. I was honored to spend part of her day with her. She's a great person, and has a true, authentic view on life. We have planned for some fun things in her slide to 50. Getting out of the house goes a long way for me. I feel bad, that it always requires people coming to get me, and that I'm still limited on what I can and can't do, but big breath, it is a help, and I am trying to help myself.

I made comment to my friend that I know a lot of people with birthdays this week. She pointed out that Oct 6 is the most popular birthday - apparently because of NYE. You learn something new every day.

My friend bought Ed Sheeran tickets last October. The concert is next weekend in Minneapolis. I had been excited for the girls trip and concert for the past year. I'm unable to go, as the travel would be too much. If the concert were in Chicago, I would be all over it. A weekend away is just too much. I have been good about realizing a lot of what I can and can't do. I'm also unable to Caleb's meet this weekend, which is heartbreaking. Earlier this week, I did do too much, and had to dial things back again. Having so many limitations has been especially tough in my fight against depression. A lot of the ways I work through things are physical: hiking, cleaning, concerts, adventure. I'm having to find new, sedentary ways to work through things....a brain that replays the same things over and over.

I try and focus on the great things in my life. Brian is just coming off a week of working nights. I'm always so nervous when he works that schedule, because he's so tired and has so much driving. I'm glad we'll be able to spend time together today and tomorrow. Although, I'm sad about missing the meet, I'm also glad he and Cal will have that time together. They boys are both dong well, and make me proud in a lot of ways. Jesse is suddenly full of rainbows and sunshine. My good friend has been hoping to adopt through foster care and just had the cutest kids come to stay with them (4 months old and 5 years). A lot of people I love have birthdays this week (including my sister).  Again, although I'm unable to do Ed Sheeran, I'm happy for my friend, who deserves that wonderful weekend. The list, goes on and on. I think about these and many other things every day. I think about how I'm getting better and my neck is healing every day. In 2 weeks, I should have this brace off. I should be able to move my neck and have my independence back. 

Life isn't always as easy as we'd like it to be. My struggles don't even begin to touch what so many are going through right now - unimaginable pains.  It's not as easy as it sounds - pulling out of it. There is no "snap out of it." We all wish it were that easy. Still, we fight, because we are worth fighting for - our relationships are worth fighting for. So, if you are in a dark place, please know you are loved. Know someone understands and is here if you ever want to talk.

​~Jen

From some of the greats: I've been uptight and made a mess. But I'll clean it up myself I guess. Oh, the sweet smell of success. Handle me with care.

Take a deep breath - you made it to Friday! Honestly, I get my days confused a lot these days. The surgery on my neck, was 3 weeks ago yesterday. The days just kind of blend into one another, when you aren't working. Thankfully, I have a lot to look forward to today, and actually know it's Friday. My friend is taking me to A Star is Born tonight. The Kris Kristofferson (I soooo love that man) and Barbara Streisand version is one of my all-time, very favorite movies. I'm really limited on what I can do, so I watch A LOT of television. I've seen like ten billion interviews and commercials leading up to this new version. I must say, I've drank the kool-aid. I've super stoked for this and believe it will be wonderful. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house in a huge way.

As I've written about, I had a lot of nerves (no pun intended) about the surgery working, how much was in my head, worrying we were fixing the wrong thing, etc. Nobody could seem to agree on what was causing what. It does make you feel crazy. Thank God, I have a primary care physician who was dogged in helping me get answers. When I was told I needed surgery, they said there was no way to know until they got in there if my weakness would be fixed - concerns of the nerve being too damaged. That was really hard to hear, but I chose to believe it would be fixed. More than anything, my strength has been my biggest concern. I was also told I had another area of my neck that would likely need surgery, but it could be next year or 20 years from now. Okay…again, nobody wants to hear that but you choose to believe  you may never need it. The pre-op appointment was the day before surgery. I again expressed how important it was that I get my strength back. This time, the doctor pulled his chair up right in front of mine, looking me directly in the eyes - telling me my nerve was smashed. That it was going to be a long road to get my strength back to my baseline, and that the baseline was my strength that day, not what it was before. I was crushed…..He reminded me again, that the surgery would assure it wouldn't get worse….The possibility of another surgery, then turned to, "You need another surgery on your neck, and this surgery may not fix everything." It hurts my heart to even write this. I came out of that appointment, feeling so sad….

The surgeon said it all went well. There were three nerves bunched behind the disc. They removed the disc, freeing my nerves, removed bones spurs and added a plate with four screws. I must admit, I was completely unprepared for the physical pain and emotion pain that would come with surgery. I knew there would be pain - I've had knee surgery. This, however, flattened me.

The first week the pain was truly unbearable a lot of times. I lived on painkillers and muscle relaxers. I remember it was being truly miserable, but there's probably a lot about that first week I don't even remember. The pain (which was centralized mostly at the surgery point in the back of my neck) began to improve, but then the pain changed and moved to my shoulder and arm. My arm swelled, and was put on steroids to knock down the inflammation and swelling, etc. The nerves were angry, and I was feeling all of it. The second day on steroids, was great. The pain was much better, and I felt like I had really turned a corner. I went off of the painkillers and muscle relaxers thinking everything had been fixed through the steroids. Holy shit was I wrong. I went through the withdrawals of the painkillers but pain returned, and I had to make the really difficult decision to start them again. In the first week, I slept a lot. I would take 2-3 naps a day and sleep at night. There is no great sleep when you're in pain and in a neck brace, but it was sleep. The steroids then stole my sleep. I've been off of them for over a week, and my sleep is still fucked up. I could no longer nap, and one night, I got less than 3 hours. So, I was on painkillers (downers), muscle relaxers that make you drowsy and steroids that take away sleep. I felt every bit of it. I only took the painkillers a couple more days, but even so, that week was incredibly dark. Had I not been through the potassium issue, I would not have known what this kind of darkness was like. I just kept telling myself it would pass, but it grabbed hold of me and wasn't letting go. I was very upset by some people that I love that were not there for me during this time (surgery - on). I am not proud of dwelling on it or how much I've done for others and feeling so abandon in my time of need. Again, it's unbecoming. I despise self-pity, but it owned me for those days. Still, there are some parts of that, that sting. I was worried I would come out of this, a changed person. Why would I do things for people, if people aren't there for me? Thank God, I no longer feel this way. If anything, I come out of this with even more empathy, than I had before.

I turned that corner I had been praying for at the end of last week. There has been steady improvement every day. There was even a day this week that I didn't take Tylenol (that shit is nasty and can't wait to stop - but I am not able to take ibuprofen for a few months yet). There are definite, huge improvements that are already evident- post surgery. My left hand did not work right, and there were certain things I could not do. I could do them the next day. The shaking has stopped, and I no longer worry about things slipping from my hand. I do panic a little, the couple of times I've fumbled things - but I think that's more of my being clumsy or things still working themselves out. Per instructions of surgeon, I cannot lift my arms above my shoulders. I can't lift heavy things or push or pull anything. The neck brace is on at all times, exception showering, so I don't know how well I can turn my neck yet. The pain has gone way down on those accidental time that I turn, and I really do feel improvements every single day. My follow up to see if I can return to work is 10/24. I have every confidence that everything will be a go at that time, and I can get rid of this godforsaken brace. I can't wait to turn my neck and see where my strength is. I do believe I will get my strength back. I will be stronger than ever. Before surgery, I had this thought that after my 6 weeks, I could return to boot camp or do this or that. Reality has reared its ugly head. I respect my body and what it's going through. It is supposed to be a 6 month recovery time, and I can see that now. I do look forward to continually improving, though, just as I am right now.

When you're home with orders to rest (and walk - and I'm rocking that part), there is a lot of time for reflection. Some might say - too much time. I'm not supposed to clean, do laundry, vacuum, etc., so it's all a little maddening. I am doing some cooking, though. Last night I made a nice dinner and pancakes this morning. When doing things, there is great care to not overdo it, though. Really, for the last 11 months or so, I've been sick on some level or another (at least I knew something was wrong last November). It does take its toll. I'm not as strong as I thought I was before going through all of this. I have so much respect for those who fight through their ailments. Legit. There are some true warriors out there. In fact, I'm sure there are people we know, that are fighting for their lives right now, and we have no idea. After ending up in the hospital in April and being told I could have died (I do not say that lightly…. I do not talk about that part of it), this journey has been frustrating. I've been hard on myself, knowing I got a second chance at life but still knowing things weren't right. I think a lot of those things have been fixed with this surgery.

I'm grateful this all started when I was at my lowest weight and healthiest, physically. I think that saved my life. Still, since the hospital I've gained weight. I have beat myself up over and over about it. After all of this self-abuse, I finally have some clarity. It was a year ago, that I went on my first zip line, after being too heavy to do it in Maui. That moment was huge for me. It was huge that my best friend recognized what it meant to me and made it happen. As sick as I was, in February, I again zip lined, even jumping off the platform backwards (and I'm a total chicken shit). It is time to celebrate how far I've come. I am much heavier now, than I wish I was, but I will get control of it again. I certainly haven't been eating well since surgery, but 6 days a week, I have been making my fresh smoothies and adding Juice Plus to it. It is a way of taking care of my body. I've been drinking shit tons of water, and now that I 'm more able, I'm going to work on healthy recipes. I do want to lose the weight, but I'm in no race. I'm more concerned with rewarding my body for saving me. I haven't been on a scale in over a month. I don't know when I'll get on one again. I recognize I have a lot of work to do on myself mentally and physically. It is a work in progress. I'm excited to be healthy - and getting back to a smaller pant size will feel great.

I mentioned the feeling of abandonment, but the fact of the matter is - there have been many people here for us. From texts, cards, meals, visits, etc., it has all meant so much. I have this friend who works more than anyone I know. She is in the medical field, and she cares so much about her patients - it really runs her life in a lot of ways. She is always working. She took Monday off after working many days in a row. She is not one to take time off, and I'm proud of her for taking a day for herself. On her one day off….she came and took me to lunch in a neighboring town, came back and picked up my dog, so we could go out to her property. My dog was in 7th heaven out there. We made some pumpkin bars from pumpkins she'd grown and gathered fresh eggs. It was everything I needed. It was the best medicine. It means so much, that she chose to spend her very precious personal time with me. There have been wonderful moments like that, and those things will stay with me forever. So, when we are at our lowest low and feeling sorry for ourselves and wondering why we put ourselves out there- why we are there for people….it' s because we have the power to change, like in my case on Monday, a really hard day for someone and turn it around. When people are hurting, they are at their most vulnerable. Let's be the person who helps in whatever way we can, no matter how big or small. We are all human. We are all imperfect, but we can choose to be good. Let's do that.

Okay, time to wake up. I'll let you go. I needed to write. I finally got to a place where I could. This is home for me. Thanks for being here. Have a wonderful weekend.

I'll leave you with this wonderful new song I've discovered with all of the television I've been watching. It's by Rita Wilson (Tom Hanks wife), who knew? Fantastic lyrics.
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~Jen