For a long time, the happy place in my head has been at a cabin, somewhere in the woods, near a lake, all alone.  When you're always running or feel like you're running behind, the sound of silence is so inviting.  This is a view from the patio of our condo in Maui.  The angle of the picture doesn't show it, but we had a nice, clear view to the ocean.  I loved everything about sitting here.  The birds were species I'd never seen before, watching the geckos, feeling the always present wind, listening to the Air Supply or Fleetwood Mac Pandora stations, spending time visiting with my cousin and Auntie or simply being alone.  I treasured every moment of it.  We could walk to the edge of the grass and watch the turtles come up for air, which was great, but truly just the view from outside our sliding glass door, made me happiest.  I've been trying to remember and feel this place today.  I've been home less than a week and a half and already it seems like it was months ago.  I often think of the saying, "build the kind of life you don't need a vacation from."  While that makes sense on some level, who doesn't want to vacation?  I want to see it all.  We only have the one life, and it feels like we should see as much of this world as we can.  I feel so lucky to have found this tiny piece of my own heaven.  I didn't think anything could ever compete with my happy place of the cabin, but son of a bitch, this comes awfully close. I think having a happy place is important.  Sometimes, it's the only thing that helps to keep us sane.  This blog won't be long today, although I've written about twenty pages in my head about it today.  But I just wanted to reiterate how important it is that we have things to look to when it all becomes to overwhelming.  The happy place isn't solely the cabin, sometimes, it's texts that make you laugh harder than you thought possible, it's your kids giggle, it's the fact that Jesse didn't piss in the house even after being locked in the house for 14 hours, it's seeing the Dixie Chicks cover Nothing Compares 2 U, with the coolest purple special effects, it's finally getting home after a super long day, and crawling into bed to write on this blog.  If my friend and I had done, Favorite Part of the Day today, I'm sure hers would've been, having dinner with her best friend.  Mine, watching Cal throw the disc at the track meet, and right now...getting words out that might go to nobody or hundreds of people...meaningless words, but writing in this moment, is my happy place.

This day has kicked my ass, so I should probably start getting things ready for tomorrow and hit the sack.  But I don't know how I could possibly end this post without paying homage to the Purple One.  Oh, Prince, I loved him so...he was my very favorite artist for years.  My cousin Jody got me into him, and I idolized Jody, so when she became obsessed with him, so did I...and I'm so thankful that it was someone so brilliant, and she didn't have an obsession with Mister Mister or some other shit that would've left me with no real appreciation for great music.  So, thanks Cuz.  You were the shit back then, and you're the shit today.  Love you.  Okay, so what song to leave you with...Erotic City, Darling Nikki, something from Under the Cherry Moon-like Sometimes it Snows in April, When Doves Cry, I Would Die For U, Nothing Compares to U (he loved the letter U) on and on and on...There's deep songs, there's great simple lyrics, like 22 positions in a one night stand, but this song I've turned up every single time I've heard it for nearly thirty years.  So here U go....U Got The Look.  Enjoy.

Jen

This is a picture from my Cousin Cole and Rachel's wedding (pic is of the families only).  It was a pretty sizeable gathering for a destination wedding.  I returned to Illinois yesterday afternoon and am still feeling the effects of the time difference and flying.  I wanted to write the entire time I was there, but the time and opportunity were never there.  It's funny, I kept writing this in my head during the trip, but now that I've started, I'm not sure where to start or what to talk about. 

Because this blog is supposed to be about weight, I'll start there.  From the time I arrived, it was all about family.  I was so happy to see everyone.  I waited for the looks of what the fuck happened to you? and Jesus Jen put down the doughnuts every once in a while, but they never happened.  I'm not naïve enough to think they didn't talk about it behind my back, but I'm glad I never caught on to it.  I was innocently basking in the glory of family and happiness, when the photos started being taken.  I don't like pictures of myself, especially at this weight...so as soon as someone says, "smile," I'm already dreading seeing it.  But seeing these pics, was like being gutted.  I know I'm a giant fuck right now, but most of the time that's not what I see...that's not how I think of myself...but there I was with my family, standing out like a beached whale...and I hated it.  I wanted to run.  Seeing the pictures made me understand every rejection, every insecurity, etc.  It all made even more sense. But then a funny thing happened...I quit caring about the pictures (well, not totally-it's not like I'd show anyone most of them).  I quit equating my weight with all of my failures.  On Tues, I dawned a swim suit in front of my family....again, no looks of judgment.  I decided to try snorkeling for the first time.  I had a million fears going in.  I'm not a great swimmer, I'm no longer athletic, I'd panic in the water, all of those things.  My brother-in-law Jason took me under his wing (after all he was a seasoned veteran of one whole day).  We trekked forever down the sandy beach (I forgot how hard walking in the sand is), until we got to a part where the surf wasn't coming in as hard.  Jason then helped me out with the gear, even helping with my flippers, and off we went.  I immediately fell in love with snorkeling.  It felt so natural.  We went out to this reef that I thought would've been impossible to get to and went around for a long period of time.  That adventure changed my whole frame of mind for the trip.  The next day my cousin Mel and I took a more challenging snorkeling trip by going to the bay in front of the condo I was staying at.  I was much more nervous about getting down there and up, more than anything.  We had to climb down rocks, jump in the water off the rocks and at the end pull myself up.  But you know what?  I GOT TO SWIM WITH TURTLES!  It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.  The rest of the trip, included more "risk taking," you know, like wearing sleeveless shirts, a sleeveless dress (yes, I said dress-without anyone making me even), wearing the swimsuit in front of other people, etc.  In life, I live for the "first."  I want to experience as many things as I can before God takes me-which could be tomorrow, for all I know.  This trip was full of firsts, from snorkeling, to the road to Hana, to spending that kind of time in the ocean, to a submarine trip, to the swimsuit wearing, to attending a luau, etc.  It all started with me putting on that swimsuit and learning to snorkel.  That truly changed everything.  The one thing I did not get to do was zip line, though.  As it turns out I was right at the weight limit...so I didn't go.  I couldn't risk spending all that money, making that drive, going to the top and getting weighed and being over the limit.  That truly broke my heart.  It was humiliating to find this out with Nealy as we were deciding which one to book.  It shook me but didn't break me.  Zip lining was the thing I wanted to do most, and my weight took that from me.  Just as the way weight has taken my confidence and dignity from me.  I just know this, for my next vacation, zip lining will be the very first thing I do.  Weight will not be an issue.

The trip was amazing, and I'm so very happy I decided to go.  Today it was back for reality: working all day, to Cal's track meet to see one event, then drive to another town to see some of Ryne's game, then drive back to see Cal's other event, to home, to then picking Cal up in town when the bus arrived tonight.  It's been crazy, but it has been great.  Okay, I'm not going to fucking lie, it's not snorkeling with turtles great, but it is pretty good ;) Brian is working, and the rest of the week will kind of be like today.  Being busy is good for me, though.  And I really love watching my boys do sports. 

Anyway, I guess the gist of all of this rambling is...no matter what size you are, don't let yourself get in the way.  I'm so glad I didn't let me beat me with this trip.  I can't tell you how glad I am.

I hope this night finds you well and plotting your next adventure.  I know I already am.  Here's an appropriate song.  Enjoy!

Jen

I was really bummed to read tonight that Merle Haggard had died.  Merle is one of my Mom's very favorites, so naturally I love him, too.  When I think of Merle, it takes me to my Mom's house, the house smelling of baked goods, music playing loudly, while Mom hums along.  I made a C.D. for a friend a couple of nights ago, and I had Mama Tried on there, but I decided to take it off at the last minute.  I know I can get a little hick in my music choices, and I wasn't sure my younger friend would appreciate it.  I shouldn't overthink things so much...I bet she would've liked it.  What's not to like?

I leave for Maui in a few days.  I had big plans for tonight and finally getting my list together of what I need...maybe even pack a little.  I've been home for 2 1/2 hours and haven't done any of it.  The fact that I'm writing now, pretty much means I won't get to it at all.  Co-Workers keep asking how much I've packed, if I'm bringing this, if I'm bringing that.  The truth is, I think they've thought about it more than I have.  The trip is overwhelming to me.  I'm glad I bought the ticket.  I took that step.  I really am looking forward to seeing my family.  I just need to get past the I wish I were this...I wish I were that...before seeing everyone.  It's hard to get excited about seeing people you love, when I'm feeling so unaccomplished.  I shouldn't even give that shit a second thought.  They'll love me more than I think I deserve, no matter what.  They're good like that.

I had something else I was going to write about tonight, but I'm bushed.  I had therapy today, and it always wears me out.  There were lots of great things about today, though.  There were lots of laughs with co-workers, texts with a great friend, time with my boys tonight, and Jesse is sleeping at my feet as I write.  Brian should be home soon, and he'll finally be off work for a while.  He's taking time off while I'm gone, so he actually won't be back to work until next Sunday.  It's too bad we can't take this trip together, but it will be nice to get to see him over the next few days.  It's also really great that he'll have so much time with the boys.  I know they're excited for it.

As you'd expect, I'll leave you with a little Merle.  He has lots of great songs, but this is one of my faves.  I hope his sounds bring you back some great memories, as they do for me.

~Jen