This is a picture from my Cousin Cole and Rachel's wedding (pic is of the families only). It was a pretty sizeable gathering for a destination wedding. I returned to Illinois yesterday afternoon and am still feeling the effects of the time difference and flying. I wanted to write the entire time I was there, but the time and opportunity were never there. It's funny, I kept writing this in my head during the trip, but now that I've started, I'm not sure where to start or what to talk about.
Because this blog is supposed to be about weight, I'll start there. From the time I arrived, it was all about family. I was so happy to see everyone. I waited for the looks of what the fuck happened to you? and Jesus Jen put down the doughnuts every once in a while, but they never happened. I'm not naïve enough to think they didn't talk about it behind my back, but I'm glad I never caught on to it. I was innocently basking in the glory of family and happiness, when the photos started being taken. I don't like pictures of myself, especially at this weight...so as soon as someone says, "smile," I'm already dreading seeing it. But seeing these pics, was like being gutted. I know I'm a giant fuck right now, but most of the time that's not what I see...that's not how I think of myself...but there I was with my family, standing out like a beached whale...and I hated it. I wanted to run. Seeing the pictures made me understand every rejection, every insecurity, etc. It all made even more sense. But then a funny thing happened...I quit caring about the pictures (well, not totally-it's not like I'd show anyone most of them). I quit equating my weight with all of my failures. On Tues, I dawned a swim suit in front of my family....again, no looks of judgment. I decided to try snorkeling for the first time. I had a million fears going in. I'm not a great swimmer, I'm no longer athletic, I'd panic in the water, all of those things. My brother-in-law Jason took me under his wing (after all he was a seasoned veteran of one whole day). We trekked forever down the sandy beach (I forgot how hard walking in the sand is), until we got to a part where the surf wasn't coming in as hard. Jason then helped me out with the gear, even helping with my flippers, and off we went. I immediately fell in love with snorkeling. It felt so natural. We went out to this reef that I thought would've been impossible to get to and went around for a long period of time. That adventure changed my whole frame of mind for the trip. The next day my cousin Mel and I took a more challenging snorkeling trip by going to the bay in front of the condo I was staying at. I was much more nervous about getting down there and up, more than anything. We had to climb down rocks, jump in the water off the rocks and at the end pull myself up. But you know what? I GOT TO SWIM WITH TURTLES! It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. The rest of the trip, included more "risk taking," you know, like wearing sleeveless shirts, a sleeveless dress (yes, I said dress-without anyone making me even), wearing the swimsuit in front of other people, etc. In life, I live for the "first." I want to experience as many things as I can before God takes me-which could be tomorrow, for all I know. This trip was full of firsts, from snorkeling, to the road to Hana, to spending that kind of time in the ocean, to a submarine trip, to the swimsuit wearing, to attending a luau, etc. It all started with me putting on that swimsuit and learning to snorkel. That truly changed everything. The one thing I did not get to do was zip line, though. As it turns out I was right at the weight limit...so I didn't go. I couldn't risk spending all that money, making that drive, going to the top and getting weighed and being over the limit. That truly broke my heart. It was humiliating to find this out with Nealy as we were deciding which one to book. It shook me but didn't break me. Zip lining was the thing I wanted to do most, and my weight took that from me. Just as the way weight has taken my confidence and dignity from me. I just know this, for my next vacation, zip lining will be the very first thing I do. Weight will not be an issue.
The trip was amazing, and I'm so very happy I decided to go. Today it was back for reality: working all day, to Cal's track meet to see one event, then drive to another town to see some of Ryne's game, then drive back to see Cal's other event, to home, to then picking Cal up in town when the bus arrived tonight. It's been crazy, but it has been great. Okay, I'm not going to fucking lie, it's not snorkeling with turtles great, but it is pretty good ;) Brian is working, and the rest of the week will kind of be like today. Being busy is good for me, though. And I really love watching my boys do sports.
Anyway, I guess the gist of all of this rambling is...no matter what size you are, don't let yourself get in the way. I'm so glad I didn't let me beat me with this trip. I can't tell you how glad I am.
I hope this night finds you well and plotting your next adventure. I know I already am. Here's an appropriate song. Enjoy!
Jen
Because this blog is supposed to be about weight, I'll start there. From the time I arrived, it was all about family. I was so happy to see everyone. I waited for the looks of what the fuck happened to you? and Jesus Jen put down the doughnuts every once in a while, but they never happened. I'm not naïve enough to think they didn't talk about it behind my back, but I'm glad I never caught on to it. I was innocently basking in the glory of family and happiness, when the photos started being taken. I don't like pictures of myself, especially at this weight...so as soon as someone says, "smile," I'm already dreading seeing it. But seeing these pics, was like being gutted. I know I'm a giant fuck right now, but most of the time that's not what I see...that's not how I think of myself...but there I was with my family, standing out like a beached whale...and I hated it. I wanted to run. Seeing the pictures made me understand every rejection, every insecurity, etc. It all made even more sense. But then a funny thing happened...I quit caring about the pictures (well, not totally-it's not like I'd show anyone most of them). I quit equating my weight with all of my failures. On Tues, I dawned a swim suit in front of my family....again, no looks of judgment. I decided to try snorkeling for the first time. I had a million fears going in. I'm not a great swimmer, I'm no longer athletic, I'd panic in the water, all of those things. My brother-in-law Jason took me under his wing (after all he was a seasoned veteran of one whole day). We trekked forever down the sandy beach (I forgot how hard walking in the sand is), until we got to a part where the surf wasn't coming in as hard. Jason then helped me out with the gear, even helping with my flippers, and off we went. I immediately fell in love with snorkeling. It felt so natural. We went out to this reef that I thought would've been impossible to get to and went around for a long period of time. That adventure changed my whole frame of mind for the trip. The next day my cousin Mel and I took a more challenging snorkeling trip by going to the bay in front of the condo I was staying at. I was much more nervous about getting down there and up, more than anything. We had to climb down rocks, jump in the water off the rocks and at the end pull myself up. But you know what? I GOT TO SWIM WITH TURTLES! It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. The rest of the trip, included more "risk taking," you know, like wearing sleeveless shirts, a sleeveless dress (yes, I said dress-without anyone making me even), wearing the swimsuit in front of other people, etc. In life, I live for the "first." I want to experience as many things as I can before God takes me-which could be tomorrow, for all I know. This trip was full of firsts, from snorkeling, to the road to Hana, to spending that kind of time in the ocean, to a submarine trip, to the swimsuit wearing, to attending a luau, etc. It all started with me putting on that swimsuit and learning to snorkel. That truly changed everything. The one thing I did not get to do was zip line, though. As it turns out I was right at the weight limit...so I didn't go. I couldn't risk spending all that money, making that drive, going to the top and getting weighed and being over the limit. That truly broke my heart. It was humiliating to find this out with Nealy as we were deciding which one to book. It shook me but didn't break me. Zip lining was the thing I wanted to do most, and my weight took that from me. Just as the way weight has taken my confidence and dignity from me. I just know this, for my next vacation, zip lining will be the very first thing I do. Weight will not be an issue.
The trip was amazing, and I'm so very happy I decided to go. Today it was back for reality: working all day, to Cal's track meet to see one event, then drive to another town to see some of Ryne's game, then drive back to see Cal's other event, to home, to then picking Cal up in town when the bus arrived tonight. It's been crazy, but it has been great. Okay, I'm not going to fucking lie, it's not snorkeling with turtles great, but it is pretty good ;) Brian is working, and the rest of the week will kind of be like today. Being busy is good for me, though. And I really love watching my boys do sports.
Anyway, I guess the gist of all of this rambling is...no matter what size you are, don't let yourself get in the way. I'm so glad I didn't let me beat me with this trip. I can't tell you how glad I am.
I hope this night finds you well and plotting your next adventure. I know I already am. Here's an appropriate song. Enjoy!
Jen
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