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Happy Thanksgiving 2014!

11/27/2014

A friend of mine sent this to me. I think I see it every year, but each year I laugh like it's the first time I've ever seen it. I guess that's one of the benefits of having CRS (can't remember shit). I keep finding the same things amusing over and over again. Of course, this could also be that I'm like a fifteen year old boy in many ways.

I've been working hard at keeping myself busy lately. My house is looking pretty good. I'm working hard at staving off the demons that have been trying to swallow me whole. The head hunter got back to me on Tuesday to let me know that the co. I interviewed with went really well. The co. said they were happy to meet me and just had to get a couple of things in place. So....my fingers are crossed...along with my toes, shorts hairs, and anything else I pray might bring me this job.

I talked about missing being somebody's best friend the other day. It's true. I really do... It's hard to be friends with someone that you were once so close with, when the friendship has changed. It really is. But, I am beyond thankful for the friendships that I do have in my life. Some people that are really important to me, have been getting in touch with me lately and saying the sweetest things. I try to hold on to this and appreciate every relationship I have.

So, I come into today really appreciating this life of mine. I have so much to be thankful for. I'll make a nice meal for my family today, which they all seem totally stoked about. Soon, the house will be smelling good. I'll look through all of the ads, even though I'm too poor to go shopping. LOL. I enjoy seeing what's out there. Football starts in a few hours, and my beloved Seahawks play tonight. We play our rivals, the 49ers, and I hate them accordingly. I have a nice bottle of red that I'm hoping to hold off until noon to open. If I could handle my alcohol better, I'd poor a glass when I start in the kitchen, but that would just mean I'd be asleep by 2.

I hope you all have a wonderful, wonderful day. May this be your favorite Thanksgiving ever. Oh, and I've left you with the Thanksgiving song by Adam Sander. Consider it my gift to you. haha.

Much Love,

Jen

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BFF Complex. No, it's not a vitamin.

11/23/2014

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Boy Howdy, am I working hard to stay in front of my emotions. Being unemployed is just ruining me... I had a really good interview on Thursday, but they are going into inventory and then the holiday this week, so she said it might be 2 weeks before they actually hire. Pre-confidence destruction, I'd bet that I'll be offered the job. The purchasing mgr talked to me about $, as did her boss, separately. It was a 2 hour interview with extensive plant tour. Ah, but I'm just a few weeks off of another job where they talked about how quick I could start, before their last 2 interviews. As we know, I didn't get that. So, for now, and to protect myself from what I just went through with that rejection, I've got to go on the premise that I didn't get it. The fact of the matter is, I have no job. I have no income. I can't even be stressed about Christmas, when I'm too stressed about making it from week to week. So, I'm keeping my head down and plowing through, applying for several jobs a day. Something has to happen, some time. It just does, right?....

My confidence is in the shitter, and that is contagious to all parts of my life. I wish it wasn't. I work really hard on being grateful and thankful for the love I have. I really do. When my head/heart are so fragile, it's easy to be bothered by things, that normally probably wouldn't bother me as much. I just feel so far away from everything out here. I really do. With the moves, I've pushed people away. It's not always been intentional. Sometimes I'm just working so hard on keeping myself afloat, that I'm not as attentive as I normally would be. I would still do anything for anyone, but they may not know that. I've also intentionally pushed people away. I don't always feel like I'm strong enough for to handle things that those relationships throw my way sometimes. Anyway, I'm really blessed to have those close relationships that I do have. I love my husband. Sometimes it's A LOT more work than it seems like it should be, and others times it's the easiest most natural love imaginable. My kids are my light, but I haven't been feeling like the best parent lately. I sure wish they came with a handbook. I still have good friends who are great about keeping in touch. But jonestly, I miss having a best friend. This is the first year in a really, really long time that I probably haven't referred to the bff as such. It's a weird position, being more distant friends with someone, when you once were so very close. It's not just that person, but my other closest relationships, too. IDK.... I guess my confidence is just shattered all the way around. I feel needy. I fucking hate that feeling. Don't we all, though? It's not that I still don't love these friends. I do. I can't even say that they aren't my best friends. I can talk about this, because they don't know about the blog, and I feel like it's a safe place. I'll tell you this, though: I miss being a best friend. That felt good to me. It really did. It doesn't feel good, when friendships change, and aren't recognizable compared to what they once were. Yeah, that pretty much sucks. My love for my friends doesn't go away. Sometimes I think it would be easier if it did. Actually, I'm sure it would be. Again, I wish there was a handbook for these things. Okay, I'm blah, blah, blahing today. It's just been on my mind lately. I just miss it.

Okay, I'm pulling my big girl panties back up. Go Seahawks! Does that make me sound like Super Man? Feeling suck, dude. They really do.

Really, it has been a good weekend. Cal had a swim meet yesterday. I worked the admissions desk for the meet this morning. Cal and I watched a movie together last night. Right now, we're all watching the Seahawks play (and they're winning!) And Brian just peeled potatoes (it's the little thing in marriage ;). It's a good night. I hope you all are well, too. And I hope you find yourself with a best friend, and they're something you want and appreciate in your life.

Much Love,
Jen

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10k = Epic Fail

11/18/2014

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Hi there! It's been a while. Honestly, I had a complete breakdown a couple/few weeks ago, and it's taken a bit to get back to the good place. It's nothing crazy. The job situation really had my down. I had 3 interviews with one co., and they led me to believe I was going to receive an offer, only to not get the job. I next had two interviews with a company that pays about half of what I normally make, for a job that I was more than qualified for...but one of the interviewers was a total dick and kept working hard to act as if I weren't qualified...It was so weird. That put me over the edge... Interviewing really is the worst, especially with someone already working with a low self esteem. You jump through all of these hoops only to be essentially told that you're not good enough or liked well enough...It's quite defeating. I desperately need a job, not only for my mental well-being, but for money....Oh Lord, do I need a job. I nearly took a job at the local video store, but there were no guaranteed hours and they would vary from week to week. If it were a temporary job, I would've taken it, but I couldn't commit to a job that I would only be there until something better came along. This is a small town, and I take my boys there all the time. I wouldn't want to burn any bridges. I'm thinking about taking a seasonal job at Target or something, but as many reasons to do it, there are just as many not to. It would be a long drive, which would already dip into the incredibly low minimum wage in IL, and the boys would be home alone while they're off of school during the holidays. I wouldn't be able to afford to send Cal to day camp or anything. I dunno...I still may. I wish there were someone who could make decisions for me. I tell you what. I can't seem to make my mind up about anything these days.

My days are split between job searching (which is much more time consuming than one might think. These days you have to go through a whole application process online for most jobs) and working on the book. I finished the first draft a few weeks ago or so. Last night, I finished my first revision. I'm not sure how many revisions will be necessary, but I'm sure it will be many. There are parts of the book that I'm really proud of and parts where it seems as if it were written by a toddler. Writing the book has been much harder than I anticipated. It has also been incredibly time consuming, but I'm glad I've done it. I've had the time after all ;) As I get closer to the finished product and it gets closer to becoming "real," and that is awfully scary. The same concerns I have about exposing my being via this blog, hold true for the book. I've learned a lot about myself writing it, and what they say is true, there is a lot of yourself in the characters. The story is completely fictional, but there is more of myself and real relationships in this book, than I planned. That's for sure. I also have that voice inside my head that says: Who in the hell do you think you are? Writing a book? You're not smart enough for something like that. Think of the millions of smarter people out there, and you have the balls to do this? I try like hell to push those voices out of my head, though. I even have tiny moments of thinking, what if? What if it's a success? Those are short lived, but fun for those few seconds they are around.

So, I "ran" my first 10k a few weeks ago. OMG what a nightmare.... My period hit early that morning, and normally I don't get out of bed that day... Anyway, my friend told me it was a run/walk, but it was apparent by the participants (every one of them fit and thin) that it was a real race, meaning running. I wasn't going to run at all, because of my knees, but I did some running. I can't tell you how much I hated that feeling of being last.... It was humiliating being at the end of the line, having the race vehicle right on your ass the whole time. My time was good (for me....) 1 hour 40, but my friend and I were dead last. I wish I could say I was proud of myself for finishing and had some high from that, but it wasn't like that. I cried once we crossed the line (didn't let me friend see me of course). I hate what I've done to my body. What I've done to the athlete inside of me. I killed her... Hopefully soon, I'll have a better/healthier perspective and be proud that I did it, but I'm not there, yet.

I hope this Tuesday is treating you well and you're able to stay warm. I took Jesse for a 1 mile walk this morning in -10 (wind chill) weather. That was 2 hours ago, and I still can't get warm. I'm fucking freezing. Really, I hope you're day is great, and you're able to think back and reflect that today, 11/18/14 was one of your favorite days.

Much Love,

JWee

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