Hi there! It's been a while. Honestly, I had a complete breakdown a couple/few weeks ago, and it's taken a bit to get back to the good place. It's nothing crazy. The job situation really had my down. I had 3 interviews with one co., and they led me to believe I was going to receive an offer, only to not get the job. I next had two interviews with a company that pays about half of what I normally make, for a job that I was more than qualified for...but one of the interviewers was a total dick and kept working hard to act as if I weren't qualified...It was so weird. That put me over the edge... Interviewing really is the worst, especially with someone already working with a low self esteem. You jump through all of these hoops only to be essentially told that you're not good enough or liked well enough...It's quite defeating. I desperately need a job, not only for my mental well-being, but for money....Oh Lord, do I need a job. I nearly took a job at the local video store, but there were no guaranteed hours and they would vary from week to week. If it were a temporary job, I would've taken it, but I couldn't commit to a job that I would only be there until something better came along. This is a small town, and I take my boys there all the time. I wouldn't want to burn any bridges. I'm thinking about taking a seasonal job at Target or something, but as many reasons to do it, there are just as many not to. It would be a long drive, which would already dip into the incredibly low minimum wage in IL, and the boys would be home alone while they're off of school during the holidays. I wouldn't be able to afford to send Cal to day camp or anything. I dunno...I still may. I wish there were someone who could make decisions for me. I tell you what. I can't seem to make my mind up about anything these days.
My days are split between job searching (which is much more time consuming than one might think. These days you have to go through a whole application process online for most jobs) and working on the book. I finished the first draft a few weeks ago or so. Last night, I finished my first revision. I'm not sure how many revisions will be necessary, but I'm sure it will be many. There are parts of the book that I'm really proud of and parts where it seems as if it were written by a toddler. Writing the book has been much harder than I anticipated. It has also been incredibly time consuming, but I'm glad I've done it. I've had the time after all ;) As I get closer to the finished product and it gets closer to becoming "real," and that is awfully scary. The same concerns I have about exposing my being via this blog, hold true for the book. I've learned a lot about myself writing it, and what they say is true, there is a lot of yourself in the characters. The story is completely fictional, but there is more of myself and real relationships in this book, than I planned. That's for sure. I also have that voice inside my head that says: Who in the hell do you think you are? Writing a book? You're not smart enough for something like that. Think of the millions of smarter people out there, and you have the balls to do this? I try like hell to push those voices out of my head, though. I even have tiny moments of thinking, what if? What if it's a success? Those are short lived, but fun for those few seconds they are around.
So, I "ran" my first 10k a few weeks ago. OMG what a nightmare.... My period hit early that morning, and normally I don't get out of bed that day... Anyway, my friend told me it was a run/walk, but it was apparent by the participants (every one of them fit and thin) that it was a real race, meaning running. I wasn't going to run at all, because of my knees, but I did some running. I can't tell you how much I hated that feeling of being last.... It was humiliating being at the end of the line, having the race vehicle right on your ass the whole time. My time was good (for me....) 1 hour 40, but my friend and I were dead last. I wish I could say I was proud of myself for finishing and had some high from that, but it wasn't like that. I cried once we crossed the line (didn't let me friend see me of course). I hate what I've done to my body. What I've done to the athlete inside of me. I killed her... Hopefully soon, I'll have a better/healthier perspective and be proud that I did it, but I'm not there, yet.
I hope this Tuesday is treating you well and you're able to stay warm. I took Jesse for a 1 mile walk this morning in -10 (wind chill) weather. That was 2 hours ago, and I still can't get warm. I'm fucking freezing. Really, I hope you're day is great, and you're able to think back and reflect that today, 11/18/14 was one of your favorite days.
Much Love,
JWee
My days are split between job searching (which is much more time consuming than one might think. These days you have to go through a whole application process online for most jobs) and working on the book. I finished the first draft a few weeks ago or so. Last night, I finished my first revision. I'm not sure how many revisions will be necessary, but I'm sure it will be many. There are parts of the book that I'm really proud of and parts where it seems as if it were written by a toddler. Writing the book has been much harder than I anticipated. It has also been incredibly time consuming, but I'm glad I've done it. I've had the time after all ;) As I get closer to the finished product and it gets closer to becoming "real," and that is awfully scary. The same concerns I have about exposing my being via this blog, hold true for the book. I've learned a lot about myself writing it, and what they say is true, there is a lot of yourself in the characters. The story is completely fictional, but there is more of myself and real relationships in this book, than I planned. That's for sure. I also have that voice inside my head that says: Who in the hell do you think you are? Writing a book? You're not smart enough for something like that. Think of the millions of smarter people out there, and you have the balls to do this? I try like hell to push those voices out of my head, though. I even have tiny moments of thinking, what if? What if it's a success? Those are short lived, but fun for those few seconds they are around.
So, I "ran" my first 10k a few weeks ago. OMG what a nightmare.... My period hit early that morning, and normally I don't get out of bed that day... Anyway, my friend told me it was a run/walk, but it was apparent by the participants (every one of them fit and thin) that it was a real race, meaning running. I wasn't going to run at all, because of my knees, but I did some running. I can't tell you how much I hated that feeling of being last.... It was humiliating being at the end of the line, having the race vehicle right on your ass the whole time. My time was good (for me....) 1 hour 40, but my friend and I were dead last. I wish I could say I was proud of myself for finishing and had some high from that, but it wasn't like that. I cried once we crossed the line (didn't let me friend see me of course). I hate what I've done to my body. What I've done to the athlete inside of me. I killed her... Hopefully soon, I'll have a better/healthier perspective and be proud that I did it, but I'm not there, yet.
I hope this Tuesday is treating you well and you're able to stay warm. I took Jesse for a 1 mile walk this morning in -10 (wind chill) weather. That was 2 hours ago, and I still can't get warm. I'm fucking freezing. Really, I hope you're day is great, and you're able to think back and reflect that today, 11/18/14 was one of your favorite days.
Much Love,
JWee
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