Thank God yesterday is gone.  What a horrible day.  I haven't had a day like that in forever.  It's one of those days when I just couldn't quit crying.  That's really unusual for me.  But fuck, it was tough.  Everything kinda came toppling down on me.  There was an issue with Brian, Ryne problems, stress about job situation, hurt feelings, problems with this house, landlord, etc.  It all caught up to me.  But I woke up feeling much better today.  My period is just around the corner, so I'm sure that fucking thing has something to do with it.   The horribleness of the day did give me time to think and perspective.  Without revealing what was upsetting me, I did reach out to a friend, and boy was she there.  I'm not going to say who it was, but Asha you rock!  haha.  Anyway, I finally drugged myself as we had to go to a friend's house for dinner.  I didn't want to be crying at the dinner table.  When we were there, a good friend text me, and I didn't want to be rude so didn't respond.  A while later she text again, and ended with, "I love you more than family."  Trust me, it was just what I needed to hear in my depths of sadness.  I do thank God for the people in my life.  I really wish I would allow myself to be closer to people.  But as time goes on, I definitely find myself pulling away from people.  I know this, but I can't seem to make it stop...  I guess it's self protection.  I just hope I can find a way not to let the tiny bit of negative in my life outweigh the many, many great things.

So, again, today is a new day.  I got my walk in this morning.  I've had a smoothie.  I'm not crying.  It's already WAY better than yesterday.  I do have errands to run and cleaning to do.  And I'll wear a smile where I can ;)

I know it's Monday, but hopefully you all are having a fantastic day.  May you find yourself smiling, even without knowing why.

~Jen

This picture made me smile.  It's also not a far cry from how I've been since I got back.  I've had moments of eating well, and more that have been terrible choices.  The more shit you eat, the hungrier you are.  Since returning from my trip, I've just been starving.  I have got to pull my head out of this horribly fat ass of mine.

Friday was a nice break from the norm, of where I just stay home and clean and do laundry.  Jackie and I went to "This is Where I Leave You."  What a fantastic movie.  It's usually hard for me to sit through a full movie.  I spend half the time wishing I could just get up and leave, but I'm usually with someone, so I can't.  It just feels like the walls start to close in on me.  But, this movie was a nice distraction from my normal issues.  It cuts close to home, makes you think, laugh, cry.  It's dysfunction at its finest, unlike "August of Osage County" which was the worst kind of dysfunction and horrible to watch.  There were no redeeming qualities of that film.  Anyway, it felt good to be out of the house, other than for my daily walk.  The popcorn and lunch afterward were horrible choices, though.  The only semi-okay thing I can really say, is that at least I'm not drinking the regular soda.  I have to get off this Diet Soda, though....  I have to.

I've thinking about how weak I seem to be lately....  I'm weak in my discipline, and I'm weak in my handling of situations.  I let it get the better of me last night.  It all comes down on me, though.  I allow myself to be in situations where people think the worst of me, and I still want to be in their lives.  WTF?  Someone once told me: why can't you be normal?  I think "normal" is bullshit, but really, a "normal" person wouldn't allow themselves to be made to feel like shit time and time again.  Enough about that...I don't want to make myself sad again.

I'm listening to Ryne and Brian arguing upstairs.  There was a fair amount of it yesterday, too.  We finally had to bring the hammer down on Ryne.  He's acting all of 13....  He doesn't take us seriously and continues to do what he wants.  He's got issues with his stomach, so just like any kid, he shouldn't just eat crap all the time.  He's not supposed to eat in his room or anything.  He's only to eat in the kitchen or dining room.  The day I left for me trip, I was looking for my carry-on bag, and looked in a basement closet (the x-box is kept down there), and the closet was full of junk.  There were 4 bowls with milk and cereal still in them (when we have the mice issue....), soda cans, mini bags of chips, a large bag of Dorritos, etc.  This is after his room had been found out the previous week, which he knows we check. It's astonishing to me....  We have a lot of food in the house.  When they get home from school, the rule is, they can have a piece of fruit first, then pick out what they want (minus of course dessert type things).  They have pretty much free range of the kitchen.  When I was growing up, we never had food....  I didn't want my kids to grow up like that.  Anyway, it's about him being dishonest with us (as is an ongoing issue), and his grades.  We can never get a straight answer.  Tomorrow I'm talking to one of his teachers to see what his real story is, because Ryne blames the teacher for not updating, or putting the wrong test score in, etc...  I can't handle being lied to...I can't.  We took away all of his electronics for 2 weeks.  Which, after just going up to check on the argument, apparently Brian (without speaking to me), made it the rest of the semester.  Ryne lost his phone, t.v., x-box, and computer.  I will say...that I'm glad he doesn't have these things.  Last night, he and Cal actually played together.  PLAYED.  That is a rare, rare thing.  With Autism, playing with others, is not something Cal does a lot of.  As he's gotten better about it, the age difference is right there.  They just don't play.  But they did yesterday, and that made my heart feel better than it has in a long, long time...

Well, shoot....  I really didn't need more Ryne drama this morning.  Breaks my heart.  I don't know...I'm in a weird place....I've been feeling so alone lately, and I shouldn't.  There are things that happen or stories I want to share, and I just don't feel comfortable reaching out to anyone.  Sometimes I think I might just drown in my loneliness, and it's on me.  I've chosen it.  I have people in my life that love me.  With time, what I allow myself to give, the trust I extend, seems to just be going away.  Here's hoping I can find, "normal" soon.

I hope you all are having a fantastic weekend.  Yay for football Sundays.

~Jen

I'm doing this from my phone,  so it will be short.   I guess that's what it takes for me not to yammer on and on about myself.
I'm in Seattle for my friend Erica's wedding.  It's been a really wonderful few days.  I've spent my time with different childhood friends.  All of which make me feel loved and protected.  It's such a great feeling.  I wish I could bottle it up.  The wedding is tonight,  and although coming out here was a stressful decision.  I knew I would miss a very special moment if I didn't get to see Erica marry the love of her life.  It's so crazy that we have all been friends since preschool.  I love that we've all been able to share these moments over the years.
Anyway,  I lost 2 1/2 lbs. In the 6 days before I left.  I've been feeling really great.   I've been terrible on this trip, though.  I don't feel well and welcome getting home to a routine.  just praying 6 days away didn't totally undo everything.
Wishing you a fantastic weekend!
Jen

I adore this picture.  I love the message, but more than anything, I love that it looks like our old dog Junior.  Boy, did he get white in his old age.  It's been 2 years 2 months since he's been gone, but I still think about he and Sara all of the time.  They were our babies.  We sure miss them.

A week ago today I had my mammogram.  I'd started the day off right by making a smoothie, by the time I was done at the hospital, I'd stressed myself to the point that I ran to food.  I knew what I was doing...It was more than a moment of weakness, it had become habit by that point.  Only this time, instead of getting a Filet o' Fish (you know...because I allow for seafood....), I got a Big Mac.  The craving for meat this past PMS was off the charts.  In truth, after having meat on the drive out here to IL, I've probably eaten meat another 4 or 5 times.   By far, this has been the biggest slip up since quitting eating meat (except seafood and eggs) nearly 5 years ago.  I've eaten more meat the past 6 weeks, than I had in that 5 years total.  I'm not proud of it.  I have truly been out of control.  I knew that going into last Wed.  Only last Wed. was different.  I made my colossal mistake (but thankfully did not drink a regular soda...was able to keep my part up there) at lunch, but I ate smart at dinner.  I did not let my failure dictate my whole day.  For the first time in many, many months, I put thought into what I put into my body.  I've continued "thinking" about everything that's gone into my body, since.  Mind you, it doesn't mean that I've been perfect.  In fact, it's far from perfect in terms of Eat to Live, but many of the principles have been there, and a couple of days really resembled the plan.  My eating habits this past week are a far cry from the mindless eating I've been doing for quite some time.  The mindless eating which brought me to my all-time heaviest weight.  I'm not ready to talk about the actual number.  I'm ashamed of what I've done to myself, but I'm proud of where I'm going.  Before I disclose my week 1 weight loss, I will admit that I was on day 2 of my hellacious period last Wed.  I'm sure that made my weight higher than it would've been.  Anyway, I've lost 7 1/2 pounds this past week!  Yay me!  I'm down 11 pounds total from the heaviest weigh in since moving out here.  Overall, I'm happy with the number.  I wish I could be thrilled, but I know I could do better.  That's me being hard on myself, I know.  I've been walking each week day morning with my friend, but I know I should be doing more.  I know I'm capable of more...  I need to workout in addition to the walks.  I really wish my walking partner wanted to do more, but she's content with walking.  For someone who is really competitive, it's a little maddening sometimes, but I'm really happy that we have each other to walk with.  I'm not a morning person, so in meeting her in the mornings, it forces me to start my day right.

I know I've droned on and on today about my journey this past week.  I'm really taking one day at a time.  I'll continue to make mistakes, but they will be the exception not the rule.  The battle will always be in my head.  What's worked for me this last week, when I really want to stray, is I just keep telling myself to show some discipline.  And what do you know?  It's been working.  haha.  Okay, okay, I'll shut up now.  Thanks for being here.  I really mean it.  Here's hoping that you're finding your "discipline" as well.

Much love,

Jen

I'll tell you what.  I loved everything about Joan Rivers.  I'm not sure if I've ever talked about my love for her on here, but I've adored her for years.  She always gave the greatest interviews on Stern.  In fact, the last time she was on there, she promised when it was time to die, she would do it on his show.  I love the relationship she had with her daughter.  Their reality show was one of my favorite shows.  I really admired how much and appreciation she had for the people who meant the most to her in her life.  We all could learn a little from her about the way to treat the ones we love.  Anyway, if you haven't seen her documentary, A Piece of Work, you should check it out.  It's raw.  It's honest.  It's been so long since I've seen it, but I remember it being real in a way that one just doesn't ever see.  Anyway, I realize I sound like a dork going on about someone I never met.  But when I heard the news...I cried.  Here's to you Joan.

I had my mammogram the other day.  As always, it was a stressful process.  They took a long hard look at my lump, and then got me right in for an ultrasound.  The last time they did this, I ended up with a biopsy.  I knew this lump was bigger than the other one, so I was a bit freaked out.  Thankfully, the lump is just a benign cyst.  I love that they can tell this without having to do anything too invasive.  I don't have to go back for a year.  What a relief! 

A friend that I grew up with is getting married in Seattle in a couple of weeks.  It's a really small wedding, so I feel honored to have been invited.  My friends Caity and Kara are going to fly in for it, and I probably will, too.  I've got a lot of planning to do, though.  It's a long way to go, and if I go, I want to make the most out of my time.  The Seahawks are playing the Broncos the day after the wedding, but I shutter to think of what those tickets are going for!  How cool would that be, though?  Anyway, I still have some more thought to put into the trip, before fully commiting.  I already miss the Northwest so much....  Of course more than anything, though, it would be nice to see my friend get married.  It's her first, and she and her man make a wonderful couple!

I've eaten much better the past few days.  Yesterday, I was even completely vegan.  I had some moo shoo shrimp tonight, though :(  I'm taking it all one day at a time, though.  I may had fucked up my dinner tonight, but the rest of the day was great (except I didn't eat enough, which led to the Chinese....)  I'll learn from my mistakes from today and hopefully not make the same mistake tomorrow.  I really want to be healthier.  I truly do....  I'm also at nearly 11,000 steps for the day.  I've been doing really well with the walking, lately.  A friend had invited me to go horseback riding today.  I declined, because I honestly didn't know if I could get myself up on the saddle.  I could see myself putting my bad leg up into the stirrup and trying to pull myself up.  It's not pretty....  I then thought about how my weight has affected my athleticism...and I wasn't sure my balance would be great.  I'm so ashamed of how far gone I let myself get.  However, I now have a new goal, and that's to get to a point where I'd feel comfortable getting up on that horse.  It's one of many goals I've set for myself.  I feel like I'm missing out on life, and I don't want to....

I hope you all have a great weekend!  We'll probably just stay close to home (what else is new?), but I'm glad to be able to spend time with Brian and the boys.  Brian's not even on-call this weekend!  And hey, Aunt Flow might even be leaving tomorrow... Fucking period has been HORRIBLE.  I'm strongly considering getting a shot or going on the pill.   This is ridiculous.  So, here's a light flow weekend!  haha.   Once again, enjoy your weekend.  I hope it's all you're wanting.

~Jen

Happy Labor Day!  One would think that a 3-day holiday wouldn't mean anything to somebody that doesn't work outside the home, but I love it.  Brian worked 12 days in a row coming into the weekend (and has still been working from home this weekend), so it's nice to have him home.  The kids haven't been in school all that long, but they are also taking full advantage of their time off.  Ryne went to a party/sleepover yesterday, and Cal loves having full access to us and the X-Box :)  Oh, and this is HUGE....we got a fridge yesterday!  I'm very thankful that our friends lent us their mini-fridge for the past month, but it really doesn't hold much.  I'm so excited to fill that thing up.  We haven't had a freezer, either, so I'm ready to go!  I know I need to make huge, huge changes to my life....  I'm gearing up to do the Eat to Live program.  I so believe in it.  I do wish I had someone to do it with, though.  The only time I've successfully completed the 6 weeks, and really made drastic changes to my mind/body was when I did it with a friend.  Maybe I'll see if there's a group online or something of people doing it.  For me, the support and the talking about it is really helpful in my own journey.    I really, really need to do this for me.  I worry myself sometimes.  I know I need to make really large changes in my life.  I've been so self-destructive with the eating.  I am a full blown food addict.  It's the first thing I think about when I wake up, and it's the last thing I think of when I go to bed.  ETL really helps to get rid of those cravings.  I can't say that it gets rid of food addiction, because then I just obsess healthy foods and what I can eat.  But obviously it's healthier to obsess about what soup to make versus what restaurant I'm going to eat at that day.  I have a bit of a head start on it, as it's now been 2 weeks since I've had a regular soda.  I'd really cut down on my diet soda consumption, too, but as this week has gone on, I've really abused it.  Oh, and I've eaten everything in sight.  Seriously, I've been a fucking pig.  And get this, my period hasn't come, yet....  I've been cramping for days now.  Correlation?  I'm sure!

It's mammogram time again on Wed.  Of course, there's another lump, so Dr. is sending me in for a diagnostic m.  The thing is, I have dense breast tissue, so I'm a little lumpy, and it's hard to see things.  This has lead to me having so many mammograms.  This is the first time in a few years that I was able to go a year in between, though.  I'm less nervous this time than others, but of course I'm still nervous.  I'm sure I have more nerves, because I feel so alone out here.  Brian always thinks everything is going to be fine.  He thinks that about everything, even when things aren't okay.  So, he doesn't really understand my fears.  But I know how I've treated my body.  I know what I've put it through.  People so much healthier than me have gotten sick.  I've been so lucky.  I really do  look at it as luck.

We had our Alaska Family fantasy football draft yesterday.  What a kick in the pants.  Cal just goes nuts for fantasy football.  He talks such smack!  Ryne opted out of that league this year, as he had the party to go to.  Today is our Weekley Family draft, though.  The smack talk will be non-stop between the boys today.  Brian will be chiming in, too, as he's the defending champ!  It's so funny, though.  The Arizona Weekley's totally get into it.  It really is something that is a fun family thing to do together.  There's lots of texts between all of us, all season.  I'm not in some of the leagues I've been in previously, this year.  I've been in my cousin's wife's family league for many years.  The person that runs it got re-married this year, and his new wife wanted to be involved, along with her family.  So, it got to be too big, so all non-family people were booted, and husband and wives now have to go in as one team.  This was a bummer.  I really liked playing in this league.  I've enjoyed getting to know Sandy's family.  Also, I wasn't invited back to play in the girls league from last year.  It's the only league I won last year.  I was told the gal was bringing it back with the same group, so I'm not sure what happened.  I don't know the gal that runs it very well, so I don't know.  It's a bummer.  I have several friends in that league.  Rejection is such a tough, tough thing for me.  Oh, well.  I can't control the situation.  As much as I wish everyone liked me, it just simply isn't the case.  Trust me, I'm well aware of that these days.....

Enough about that.  I've recently read, The Fault in our Stars and Gone Girl.  Both were good reads, if you're looking for a new book.  I also watched The Other Woman the other night.  It was actually pretty funny!  Leslie Mann always kills it.

I hope this post finds you well and happy.  I hope you are full of life.  Have a great day!

~Jen