This picture made me smile. It's also not a far cry from how I've been since I got back. I've had moments of eating well, and more that have been terrible choices. The more shit you eat, the hungrier you are. Since returning from my trip, I've just been starving. I have got to pull my head out of this horribly fat ass of mine.
Friday was a nice break from the norm, of where I just stay home and clean and do laundry. Jackie and I went to "This is Where I Leave You." What a fantastic movie. It's usually hard for me to sit through a full movie. I spend half the time wishing I could just get up and leave, but I'm usually with someone, so I can't. It just feels like the walls start to close in on me. But, this movie was a nice distraction from my normal issues. It cuts close to home, makes you think, laugh, cry. It's dysfunction at its finest, unlike "August of Osage County" which was the worst kind of dysfunction and horrible to watch. There were no redeeming qualities of that film. Anyway, it felt good to be out of the house, other than for my daily walk. The popcorn and lunch afterward were horrible choices, though. The only semi-okay thing I can really say, is that at least I'm not drinking the regular soda. I have to get off this Diet Soda, though.... I have to.
I've thinking about how weak I seem to be lately.... I'm weak in my discipline, and I'm weak in my handling of situations. I let it get the better of me last night. It all comes down on me, though. I allow myself to be in situations where people think the worst of me, and I still want to be in their lives. WTF? Someone once told me: why can't you be normal? I think "normal" is bullshit, but really, a "normal" person wouldn't allow themselves to be made to feel like shit time and time again. Enough about that...I don't want to make myself sad again.
I'm listening to Ryne and Brian arguing upstairs. There was a fair amount of it yesterday, too. We finally had to bring the hammer down on Ryne. He's acting all of 13.... He doesn't take us seriously and continues to do what he wants. He's got issues with his stomach, so just like any kid, he shouldn't just eat crap all the time. He's not supposed to eat in his room or anything. He's only to eat in the kitchen or dining room. The day I left for me trip, I was looking for my carry-on bag, and looked in a basement closet (the x-box is kept down there), and the closet was full of junk. There were 4 bowls with milk and cereal still in them (when we have the mice issue....), soda cans, mini bags of chips, a large bag of Dorritos, etc. This is after his room had been found out the previous week, which he knows we check. It's astonishing to me.... We have a lot of food in the house. When they get home from school, the rule is, they can have a piece of fruit first, then pick out what they want (minus of course dessert type things). They have pretty much free range of the kitchen. When I was growing up, we never had food.... I didn't want my kids to grow up like that. Anyway, it's about him being dishonest with us (as is an ongoing issue), and his grades. We can never get a straight answer. Tomorrow I'm talking to one of his teachers to see what his real story is, because Ryne blames the teacher for not updating, or putting the wrong test score in, etc... I can't handle being lied to...I can't. We took away all of his electronics for 2 weeks. Which, after just going up to check on the argument, apparently Brian (without speaking to me), made it the rest of the semester. Ryne lost his phone, t.v., x-box, and computer. I will say...that I'm glad he doesn't have these things. Last night, he and Cal actually played together. PLAYED. That is a rare, rare thing. With Autism, playing with others, is not something Cal does a lot of. As he's gotten better about it, the age difference is right there. They just don't play. But they did yesterday, and that made my heart feel better than it has in a long, long time...
Well, shoot.... I really didn't need more Ryne drama this morning. Breaks my heart. I don't know...I'm in a weird place....I've been feeling so alone lately, and I shouldn't. There are things that happen or stories I want to share, and I just don't feel comfortable reaching out to anyone. Sometimes I think I might just drown in my loneliness, and it's on me. I've chosen it. I have people in my life that love me. With time, what I allow myself to give, the trust I extend, seems to just be going away. Here's hoping I can find, "normal" soon.
I hope you all are having a fantastic weekend. Yay for football Sundays.
~Jen
Friday was a nice break from the norm, of where I just stay home and clean and do laundry. Jackie and I went to "This is Where I Leave You." What a fantastic movie. It's usually hard for me to sit through a full movie. I spend half the time wishing I could just get up and leave, but I'm usually with someone, so I can't. It just feels like the walls start to close in on me. But, this movie was a nice distraction from my normal issues. It cuts close to home, makes you think, laugh, cry. It's dysfunction at its finest, unlike "August of Osage County" which was the worst kind of dysfunction and horrible to watch. There were no redeeming qualities of that film. Anyway, it felt good to be out of the house, other than for my daily walk. The popcorn and lunch afterward were horrible choices, though. The only semi-okay thing I can really say, is that at least I'm not drinking the regular soda. I have to get off this Diet Soda, though.... I have to.
I've thinking about how weak I seem to be lately.... I'm weak in my discipline, and I'm weak in my handling of situations. I let it get the better of me last night. It all comes down on me, though. I allow myself to be in situations where people think the worst of me, and I still want to be in their lives. WTF? Someone once told me: why can't you be normal? I think "normal" is bullshit, but really, a "normal" person wouldn't allow themselves to be made to feel like shit time and time again. Enough about that...I don't want to make myself sad again.
I'm listening to Ryne and Brian arguing upstairs. There was a fair amount of it yesterday, too. We finally had to bring the hammer down on Ryne. He's acting all of 13.... He doesn't take us seriously and continues to do what he wants. He's got issues with his stomach, so just like any kid, he shouldn't just eat crap all the time. He's not supposed to eat in his room or anything. He's only to eat in the kitchen or dining room. The day I left for me trip, I was looking for my carry-on bag, and looked in a basement closet (the x-box is kept down there), and the closet was full of junk. There were 4 bowls with milk and cereal still in them (when we have the mice issue....), soda cans, mini bags of chips, a large bag of Dorritos, etc. This is after his room had been found out the previous week, which he knows we check. It's astonishing to me.... We have a lot of food in the house. When they get home from school, the rule is, they can have a piece of fruit first, then pick out what they want (minus of course dessert type things). They have pretty much free range of the kitchen. When I was growing up, we never had food.... I didn't want my kids to grow up like that. Anyway, it's about him being dishonest with us (as is an ongoing issue), and his grades. We can never get a straight answer. Tomorrow I'm talking to one of his teachers to see what his real story is, because Ryne blames the teacher for not updating, or putting the wrong test score in, etc... I can't handle being lied to...I can't. We took away all of his electronics for 2 weeks. Which, after just going up to check on the argument, apparently Brian (without speaking to me), made it the rest of the semester. Ryne lost his phone, t.v., x-box, and computer. I will say...that I'm glad he doesn't have these things. Last night, he and Cal actually played together. PLAYED. That is a rare, rare thing. With Autism, playing with others, is not something Cal does a lot of. As he's gotten better about it, the age difference is right there. They just don't play. But they did yesterday, and that made my heart feel better than it has in a long, long time...
Well, shoot.... I really didn't need more Ryne drama this morning. Breaks my heart. I don't know...I'm in a weird place....I've been feeling so alone lately, and I shouldn't. There are things that happen or stories I want to share, and I just don't feel comfortable reaching out to anyone. Sometimes I think I might just drown in my loneliness, and it's on me. I've chosen it. I have people in my life that love me. With time, what I allow myself to give, the trust I extend, seems to just be going away. Here's hoping I can find, "normal" soon.
I hope you all are having a fantastic weekend. Yay for football Sundays.
~Jen
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