Can you see it? Friday is right there-you can touch it. This week has not been the greatest, but tomorrow is promising. For no particular reason, other than it's Friday!

I've been grappling with the whole weight loss thing lately. For some reason, my head is really getting to me. I should feel great about where I'm at, but I've been focussing on the wrong things. I really need to work on that this weekend.  This past three weeks has been my lowest weight loss total, to date. I lost 1.6 pounds a couple weeks ago, last week I stayed the same, and this week I was about the same (I didn't weigh in at my official place-because Jessica was off). Maybe that's part of it. I beat myself up pretty good. On Monday another guy from the shop approached me and asked what I was doing to lose weight. He was very complimentary. He really isn't overweight, but he said he's been sweating more over simple things. He said he knows he need to lose some and get into shape. It felt good to talk to him, as I really do love to talk about getting healthy to people who are wanting to make some changes. That night, I took Jesse for a walk, and a gal I used to see at the park all the time was there running. She past us, and I thought it was weird she didn't stop and say hi or acknowledge us. A couple of laps later, I was coming around a bend and saw her and waved. When she got up to us, she stopped and pulled her sunglasses off and asked if she knew me. I was really taken back by that (as we have walked many laps together-she's even talked me into running with her a few times), and I opened my mouth and said, "It's." Before I could get my name out, her jaw dropped, she started going nuts and asked how much I've lost. She said I looked 10-15 years younger. She walked with us for quite a while, all the way going on about it. It was great to see her. It was nice that she had so many lovely things to say, but it really left me feeling bad. I just kept thinking about how bad I let myself go and how I really didn't see it-for how bad it was. I thought about the person I was with that weight, as if it was a different person. I felt compassion for her for letting her get to that point, but it was weird...I just kept thinking...that was a better person than the person you are now. I don't really know where that came from, but it was my reaction. It's all so strange...you don't anticipate some of this stuff with weight loss. 

1.6 pounds certainly isn't great for a 3 week stretch. The second week, I was genuinely surprised by the lack of weight loss. I really thought I should've been down a couple of pounds. This week, I didn't do enough to earn weight loss. I ate out a lot (I try to do so mindfully-but eating out is really not a smart thing for me to do. The portions are too big, you don't know if they're adding oil to stuff, etc). I drank a shit ton of wine last week. I decided on Sunday night that I was really going to pull it together this week, and I have. I went back to using the My Fitness Pal app to track my calories. I knew I would over-obsess going back to calorie counting and I have. I try to keep it in check, but it does get the best of me. Jessica (the gal I weigh in with) wants me to stay 1400-1500 calories a day. Of course, I take this to mean 1400. Yesterday, I was at 1501, which is good. In my head, I know that. I wasn't able to get my steps in, though as a storm starting coming in just as I was about to walk Jesse. I ended the day at 6000 steps (my goal is 10k). Because my weight is still so high, I get some calorie credit on steps over 6k in a day. (This is according to the app-which without extra walking, says I should take in 1680 cals a day to lose 2 pounds a week). Anyway, I don't count any calorie credit I get for any extra steps and I do try for 1400 cals. At the end of the day, you hit "complete diary". It then tells you, if you ate like that every day you would be at X amount of weight in 5 weeks. Well, that put me at about 5 pounds higher than what I'd gotten every other day this week. It's silly.....it was one day, and it was still a decent day, but it got to me. Today I got up early and took Jesse for a 35 min walk before my day started. I'll finish my day at about 13k steps. At least I made up for some of what I missed yesterday. I probably shouldn't stay on this app too long, as I do know how to eat, and it just make me crazier. I have plans to have Thai food tomorrow for lunch. Tonight, I've probably thought about what I'm going to eat a dozen times. I want to keep my calories down, as I would like to have some wine tomorrow night. I mean, I have this whole case and should at least enjoy a little of it. The problem is..wine has calories, too. Ugh. I need to not go crazy about it all and let myself enjoy a little something. My over-thinking really is maddening. I have killed it this week and shouldn't stress over what will still amount to less than what the app says I should take in.

Last weekend was pretty great. On Friday night, somewhere during our second bottle of wine while listening to 80's music-my friend and I looked up the Hall & Oats tour. They were playing in Milwaukee the following night, so we decided to go (my wine decisions are usually fun :) Saturday was a really full day with a baseball tourney for Ryne. After the tourney, we headed off to Milwaukee. We got back to my house very late but at least didn't stay there for the night. Sunday was Ryne's 16th birthday. I could literally write a whole blog on all that has gone through my head with that. In a nutshell, it all goes too fast. He was wiped from the tourney and not feeling well, so I met my friend to see the movie Snatched (hilarious!) and then lunch with a couple of glasses of Merlot. We went to an early movie, so I was able to get home nice and early to hang out with the boys (Brian was working). It really was a nice Mother's Day. The weekend was jam packed but really fun. Oh, and Hall & Oats were fantastic. It was hit after hit after hit. Tears for Fears opened and were also really good. This weekend will be much more low key, but it is fun to burn the candle at both ends like that every once in a while. 

I was pretty bummed when I turned on my phone this morning to learn that Chris Cornell had died. Oh man...he was #1 on my list for a long time. He's so damn beautiful...and that voice....I follow him on Facebook and always loved his family photos and how proud he was of his family. He just....to me...was the real deal. I was saddened even more to learn it was suicide. I'm sad for the people who love him who will be forever scarred, but more than anything...I'm sad that he felt such a sadness in him that he felt that was his best option. Nobody should ever know that kind of pain. When writing in my head all week, I knew I was going to leave you with a Hall & Oats song, but Chris Cornell get center stage. I figure Hunger Strike is a good choice, since you know...I'm hungry all the time...haha. And the dueting between Chris and Eddie Vetter is second to none. 

I hope you have an awesome weekend. (free of Tornadoes....) Do the things that make you happiest and spend time with the ones you love. 

Here's to good health-

~Jen

A friend came to Cal's swim meet this weekend. I told her about making Caleb pancakes that morning and how he ate six of them. We both decided we need to really take up swimming. I saw a meme a while back that said, "When you hear Michael Phelps eats 12,000 calories a day," and it showed a woman with swim goggles on. I couldn't find that one again, but I do love this food depiction. Ah...food.

I came away with a 1 pound 6 ounce loss last week. I feel good about it. The weight loss has been strange lately. My stomach and back were a mess a lot of last week, and I had to force myself to eat a couple of times. With that, I gained two pounds from my Wed weigh in until Sat morning. I was really retaining water. I don't know if I was misjudging some of the things I was eating, or if it swelling with my back. I've cracked way down since Sat and think I'm  pound down overall from last Wed. We'll see what the scale shows tomorrow. This past couple of weeks has not been easy. I have made sure to drink a ton of water to help with the retention, and I haven't had a soda since two Mondays ago.

I feel like a broken record, but my body has really been fighting me. It's really starting to wear me down. The boys schedule really hasn't helped much. I haven't been home before 8 or 9 PM much this past 8 days or so. Last night, I didn't get home until 9:20. I've worked hard on getting my steps in. I hit at least 10-13k the past 8 days, but I threw in the towel today. My back has been pretty damn bad. I decided to give it a rest today and will most likely end the day around 6,000 steps or so. Hopefully next week will be some relief as I meet with a GI specialist and am having an MRI done on my back (and hopefully shot-I've finally given in). Anyway...the mental and physical struggle has been tough lately. I just continue to try and think about everything I eat and hope that I'm doing the best things for my health and weight loss.

Often, I know what my favorite part of the day is-by 7 AM or so. The bff will text me about a Stern interview (she's an early riser and usually has a handle on the show before I even get in my car). I usually don't see her text until I'm ready to head out, but I always love it. Sten doesn't have a lot of live shows anymore-we figure about 9 a month, but dang are they good. A couple of weeks ago, Sheryl Crow was on. It was so wonderful to remember why I loved her music so much. I've gotten away from it for a while now, but the Globe Sessions is one of my all-time favorite albums. Amy (whose alter ego name is Sheryl-and she'll tell you "with an S" when she introduces herself) and I were in seventh heaven over the interview, and it was so fun to talk about the music. Sheryl has written so much that has truly touched me. If I didn't already have a best friend, she could probably be it-yes, that's the only thing standing in the way. She was talking about a line from Everyday is a Winding Road, which has never been one of my fave songs from her, but she hit me-right between the eyes-so much so-I bawled like a baby in the car. I'm just wondering why I feel so alone, like I'm a stranger in my own life. Really, the woman is brilliant. I find it amazing that I can find such truth in lyrics I've known for nearly twenty years and find new relevance or appreciation. That's Sheryl with an S for you.

I had therapy tonight, which was not the most fun way to spend the one night this week I don't have sports commitments. I do think I'm going to take tomorrow night off from baseball, though. It's out of town, and I doubt Ryne will be playing anyway. So, I may just get Cal to and from swim. Anyway, this is the only night I know for sure I have nowhere to be. I ordered wine from a wine tasting place. I opened my initial tasting kit (6 bottles) tonight. They are tiny fucking bottles, though. I just had one, and it was maybe 4 drinks worth. Don't let them fool you with their "value." Hopefully it leads to some new wines I love, though. So, I toast you on this Tuesday night with my empty glass. I hope you're having a wonderful night and enjoying things that make you feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Here's a little Sheryl.

~Jen