This quote is from Geneen Roth. I adore her. She wrote, Women, Food, and God and When Food is Love among many other books (although the others I have not read). I follow her on Facebook, and her posts always give me pause for thought. I found Geneen (I call my fictional friends by their first names) by the way I've found many things I love: Oprah told me to. To this day, Oprah can sell me on just about anything, as evidenced by the $6 I recently paid to read three pages on her in a People magazine. She hasn't steered me wrong many times, with the exception of one or two of her diet/fitness related books. Funny enough, I couldn't relate to them....

My birthday week has treated me very well. It all started with a three day weekend with my friend D. We couldn't have dialed up weather any more perfect. There was even a record high on Sunday. We had a lot of quality spa time, drank some great wine, ate some wonderfully bad food, had some good laughs, and had a lovely walk every day. My actual birthday was really nice as well. I heard from family and some amazing friends, all day long. I was spoiled rotten by many people and was so touched by the time and effort they put into some extremely thoughtful gifts. It was also a great day of reflection about the year and how blessed I am to have the people I have in my life. 

Mentally, I sure don't feel 45. Physically....well, that's a different story. I don't know what 45 is supposed to feel like, but my body has been putting me through the ringer lately. My workplace lets you leave three hours early on your birthday. I used my three hours to go to a spine center and get my back twisted and turned every which way. I'm still feeling it in the worst way. This Dr. doesn't think my current issue is related to the DISH. She believes it's muscle related and prescribed some physical therapy and other stuff to see if we can see any improvement. She wanted to give me an injection, but I decided to wait and see how the PT, etc. goes. Also, I need to know exactly what is helping me. If I'm numbed up, I won't know if it's the shot or if certain stretches exercises can actually help. Anyway, it sounds like my back is a mess, to which she says I may just always have issues. I refuse to believe it, though. Hopefully she's setting me on the right path. Along those same lines of being 45....I asked a friend about an eye puffiness cream she's recommended, but I couldn't remember the name. I've tried everything under the sun, but I'm always willing to try something else. Again, hope. Anyway, she ordered it for my birthday. Ha! It is a very generous, thoughtful gift, but boy have the years changed us :)

I went into this week, expecting my first weight gain in 4 months. I hoped by mentally preparing myself, it would lessen the blow. I wanted to go on the trip and not be consumed by everything I put in my body. There was a fairly healthy mixture of being aware of what I was eating and letting myself indulge. I had a lobster dinner, complete with all the courses. We ate a thing of brie while we were there, and we drank a lot of wine. We also made a lot of good food choices, and we got in 13-15,000 steps every day we were gone. My birthday was the day before the weigh-in. I had Thai for lunch and Mexican for dinner. All of this said, I had a 1.2 pound gain. I wish I could be as cool as I wanted to be about it, but it definitely stings. I know it could've been so much worse, given some of the choices I made, and I do hold onto that. A great takeaway from the weekend was, even giving myself free reign, I never felt it was okay to go absolutely crazy. We went away a year ago, and I remember bringing big ass muffins for breakfast and other such total shit, waste of calories/fat. I refuse to do that to myself now. I don't want to ever be in a mindless place, where I put no thought into my food choices. I'm glad I'm in a place of being totally accountable for what is going on with my body, even if it means I gained 1.2 pounds. I've gotten back on track, and am excited about this next month. I'm ready to kick some ass. If you want to join me, hit me up. Seriously, the more, the merrier!

While I'm thinking of it, I'll pass along a tip I heard years ago. We know that most salad dressings are full of calories and fat. In fact, salad dressing is usually the highest fat intake a person has in a day. I do put yogurt salad dressing over my salad, but for all other dressings- I get it on the side and dip my fork into the dressing before taking a bite of salad. I'm telling you, you get the taste you want and you use far less than if you put it directly on the salad. In fact, I just order whatever dressing I'm craving and use it this way. I feel completely satisfied while only using a tiny fraction of what I would have otherwise. Seriously, try it out.

While I always appreciate so many things on my birthday, it also comes with a sadness each year. It is the anniversary of my step-dad's death. I replay the moment of finding out over and over in my head, every year. I think a lot about him. I think a lot about my sister Brooke, and her loss. Mark was a disc jockey, and later also a station manager while I was growing up. He would always play us a song on our birthday. Tuesday, I got into my car to go to work and "Centerfield" by John Fogerty began to play. Of all the songs Mark played for me over the years, it's this one I remember most vividly. I had a good softball game and he gushed about me on the radio and played the song in my honor. So, I'll leave you with Centerfield. Mark, I hope this makes you smile.

​~Jen

As I'm sliding into my 45th birthday, I'm really glad to look back at this past year and not be upset with myself for not doing anything about my weight. Each birthday, I promise myself I won't be like this the following year. For the first time in a long time, I kept my promise. I have a helluva long way to go, but I'm fairly happy with my progress. Last night I went shopping for new pants. I looked at the pants and thought there was no way I could fit into them. I was pleasantly surprised to find they all fit well (I just wished I liked the styles-I mean...boot cut needs to go away). I know the progression is there, but clearly I still have a hard time seeing it. Anyway, trying clothes on remains something I don't exactly love, but upon reflection last night...I thought, a year from now, this will be even easier. To actually believe this, feels good.

I really put in a good effort going into this week's weigh-in. I'll pretend the bottle of wine I drank on Grammys night, didn't happen ;)  I will say, knee deep into the wine, I found a huge craving for cheese and crackers. I took a slice of cheese (80 cals) and broke it into 4 pcs and put it on wheat Ritz. It wasn't overly satisfying, but it did the trick. Anyhoo...the rest of the week was mostly good, with a few human moments thrown in the mix. I was really pleased with a 2 1/2 pound weight loss this week. That's the most I've seen in a given week, in over a month. I needed to see more than a pound, and I'm glad my body reacted.

My friend and I are heading out tonight for a 3 day weekend, in honor of my birthday. It was so cool of her to suggest we do something like this again, this year. We got a spa package, and I'm really looking forward to getting pampered. In real life, I would never pay that much for a massage, but it's somehow justifiable when it's all wrapped up with the cost of the room. She will also be getting her first facial. I'm totally stoked for her. If my back cooperates (it's been a real mother fucker lately-but I do have an appointment at a spine center on Mon), we plan on doing a lot of hiking. It's a good thing, because we know there will be lots of wine, and all sorts of things neither of us would eat. She has been on this weight loss journey with me (really just for toning, I think-she does not have a weight issue), and she looks remarkable. She has worked really hard. This weekend, however, we are going to enjoy things we want to enjoy, while being mindful of the consequences. I'll say this-we have reservations tomorrow night at a restaurant that will be serve King Crab. While the crab isn't bad, the butter I'll be dipping it in, sure will be. I can already see my sloppy self, purple lips and butter smeared on my face. I am who I am ;) I know the hiking will only make so much of a difference. I'm certain I'll have my first gain next weigh-in, I'm just hopeful I don't go totally nuts. Gaining weight is easy...losing that weight takes a lot of time. Anyway, the weather is supposed to be beautiful. Cheers in advance!

I'm not a big horoscope person (shocking to you I know), but I do take note that some of the closest people throughout my life, have a birthday within nine days of mine. Just so you know, we are different signs, though. I was hoping my dear friend Caity was going to have her first baby on my birthday, but she came last Sunday. Now, little Rooney is also added to the list of those I love and get to celebrate with. I can't tell you how happy I am for Caity and Andre. Even writing this, I'm tearing up.

I know this is sloppy writing, but my brain isn't working. I'm not used to writing this from my cubicle (lunch), but I wanted to get this out. I hope today finds you on whatever journey your heart desires. It doesn't have to be your birthday to begin to follow your dreams. Hell....I didn't start until more than halfway through my year. Oh, I also started back on the book after nearly a year off. I'm still counting it under this year, though. Today is the day. It's yours. The great thing about our lives is, they are exactly what we choose to make of it.

This song is for Rooney.

~Jen

We made it! Happy Saturday! It was supposed to be pretty nice out today, but the sun is hiding behind the clouds. I was excited for it to be nearly fifty, but I guess I shouldn't complain about the higher thirties. I'm just so tired of being cold. I really shouldn't bitch, though. The winter hasn't been near as bad as it can be out here. I finally ordered some vitamin D drops. I should've done that three months ago. The winter blahs are not fun. Hoping the drops help! 

Taking the apple cider vinegar shots has gotten easier. Sometimes my stomach hardly takes notice. I finished my first bottle this morning, and I'm ready to start the new bottle of Bragg's organic, unfiltered ACV tomorrow. My sister Nealy recommended it, so I'm confident I'm on the right path. It appears darker and scarier than what I just finished, though. I don't think I will have the nads to take this one straight. 

On a totally unrelated note (they're talking about on t.v. now), I saw La La Land last weekend. I hadn't been to the movies in a really long time, and man alive was it worth it. What a great film. There was one thing about it that bothered me, but I don't dare talk about it if you haven't seen it. It was really cool how seamlessly they added dance and song to a regular film. I'll definitely see it again. 

I just put some eggs on the stove to boil. I've been buying them from a coworker, whose mother has a farm. The eggs are so great. I love knowing where the food actually comes from. It's so hard to trust labels. I've seen photos of "cage free" chickens, and really there's just thousands shoved in a barn and they still can't move. Of course, not all egg farms are like that, but I don't like not knowing for sure. I'm also ordering some meat today from a friend's uncle. He takes good care of his animals, and again, it makes me feel better that he's not pumping his animals full of hormones and antibiotics. I eat less meat than I did even a month ago. I want to cut it back even more, but even if I'm not eating all of it, I love that my family will be eating a healthier version of meat.

The week going into my weigh-in was tough. I really haven't been in the best place lately. Especially that week, I had a lot of anxiety. Thankfully I don't get anxiety too much anymore, but it still loves to rear its ugly head on occasion. I drank four times that week (two to try and deal with the anxiety-not a good method of attack, once socially, and the Super Bowl). I didn't have any crazy nights, but alcohol isn't good for the weight loss process. It's just a fact (even though my dear friend Lynn tells me it's really healthy-since it's grapes). I was on the go a lot that week and went to breakfast twice (ordering mindfully, at least). In saying all of the things I did wrong, there was a lot of good things in there. I got my steps in most days, even when the weather was a son of a bitch. Even though I had some bites of things I normally wouldn't, my Super Bowl eating was mostly healthy. I made a lot of unhealthy things for the boys and our company, but I concentrated on a healthy, chicken chili and ate a big salad after, so I wouldn't eat any more. I had a really great Monday and Tuesday and came out of my Wednesday weigh-in with a 1 pound 4 oz. loss. I was really happy I was able to balance some things out. The gal I weigh in with made a big deal about how I haven't had a gain, yet. She said she simply doesn't see that. It really did make me feel good. I am proud of what I've done, and the fact that I keep plugging along. In saying this, I know I need to do more. I can do better.

I've done pretty good these past few days. Lynn took my to a fancy schmancy early birthday dinner, and I even practiced some restraint there. Oh boy, did I want to order the fettuccine alfredo or meaty lasagna, but I stayed with a smarter option. I did eat the shit out of some bread though.... Anyway, the meal wasn't a calorie buster, and the company was food for the soul. I have so much love for that woman. She's a great person and wonderful friend. I'm really lucky to have her in my life.

I went through the week without drinking (even dumping out my leftover wine from the Super Bowl this morning) until last night. I went to a concert with some friends. I drank, but not nearly what I planned on. I really had given myself a free pass, but I didn't cash it in. I was just going to drink light beer, and I did have a tall boy, but I had two mixed drinks also. They were pretty weak, but tasty...and because I wasn't thinking after the tall boy, I didn't consider the calories to the drinks. I wouldn't have ordered them. They had juice and all sorts of high calorie stuff in them. Anyway, calories aside it was a nice night with good friends. We were also especially lucky coming home as my friend's husband was driving and we came as close as you can possibly come to hitting a deer without smashing it. I wasn't even sure that we hadn't clipped her when we passed. She was right there, but like Lambo said, she kicked it into high gear as we were braking. I've had a lot of things lately that have made me feel grateful, and that was certainly one of them. 

I've finally saved the last professional edit on my book, and I will start work on it tonight or tomorrow. It has been too long, and the book has really been pulling at me lately. Lynn is also a huge inspiration in wanting me to get back to it. She is the most encouraging person I know. I realize it's going to be a giant undertaking, but I think it might be good for my head, too. It would be easy to do nothing, feeling the way I feel lately. I would love to stay in bed all day today, napping and watching t.v., but I choose to live. I got up early and started on chores, have hung out with the kids. I'll take Jesse hiking when I'm done with this. I'll get together with my good friend Jackie at some point this weekend, and enjoy some good company and "This Is Us." For living in a place, I don't think I will ever refer to as "home," I'm grateful to have such great people in my life. Jackie's mom even knitted me a couple of hats. How wonderful is that? Those area really special friends. Anyway, I've been keeping myself really busy lately. I think maybe too busy, working on the book will help to put my in a more even place.

I'm going to have a snack of a boiled egg on toast (I had a smoothie for breakfast), and I'm going to get out there and start my hiking with Jesse. I wish I could talk the boys into hiking with us, but so far no luck. Maybe when the weather gets better.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend doing the things that feed your soul. I'll leave you with a song, that was my favorite from the 90's concert last night. It reminds me of my friend Caity and of a really great night with my friend Shannon and her cousin Jeremy (my boyfriend at the time), of just dancing under the big stars in Alaska in front of the headlights on Shannon's car. Hope this weekend brings you that kind of happiness.

~Jen

This photo is of one pound of fat. It's easy to get discouraged about not losing quickly enough or see the progress we want to see. When you feel down about a low weight loss, think of this photo. Think of what a one pound tube of hamburger looks like. I lost 1 1/2 pounds this week. I felt good and bad about it at the same time. I know I'm capable of more. I got my steps in nearly every day this week and ate fairly well, but on the other hand: I drank 3 different days this week. There was nothing crazy there, but still liquid calories are the worst. If I hadn't drank, I would've been over two pounds for sure. It's all about balance, I know. I'm going to drink. I'm going to have my Friday night dinner. It's all about moderation. My life is so different from what it was a few short months ago. I am proud of myself for being aware of where I could do better. I'm also proud of realizing what I'm doing right. I am doing a lot right.  The weight loss feels like it has slowed down so much, still I'm reminded I'm on the right path by my clothing. The jeans the girls say my butt looks good in (that I purchased on NYE) are now falling off of me tonight. It's all about the bigger picture. I will be so happy to get to that next pant size. It's a size that's so much closer to being human.

I'm watching My 600 Pound Life right now. I could never watch this show before. Who can relate to that? How could anyone do that to themselves? It's so fucking sad. In all actuality, I think most of us can relate to what the people on this show are going through. They have a lot of the same issues that those of us with food issues have, whether our issues be large or small. I know I've mentioned this on the blog before, but I think of a good friend of mine and her fear that she will end up like her aunt. When her aunt passed away, they had to cut out the side of her house to remove her. My friend is not really big. She's working on weight loss, but it's nothing at all like her fears. The thing is, it would be easy to do...life can be really hard sometimes, really hard. How nice would it be just to escape with food. To know the joys of feeling full? But thankfully, we have our feet on the ground, and we know there are limits. We can feel joy from so many other things than food. Even in our darkest days, we know there are things to live for. If you haven't seen this show, I do recommend it. The reasoning behind some of the choices they make, the logic: it hits home. It's also an awesome reminder, that we don't want to ever get to that place. We don't want to feel that surgery is our only hope of feeling human again.

Today the anxiety has been in my chest and stomach. It doesn't happen all that often, but I still get it. I feel weak and pathetic even writing that out, but that's what I experience. I've been good about walking Jesse once I get home from work. I freeze my fucking ass off, but we get it done. That was the plan tonight. Unfortunately the brown rice took waaaayyy longer than I expected, to cook. I wasn't able to get out like I wanted. I tried to get what I could out of walking the house as things cooked. When I went to pick Cal up from swim, I got some steps in even though he was ready (early) when I walked into the school. I put my needs first, which rarely happens and got a few steps in. I decided it was too late to take Jesse out when I got home, and I had planned on having some wine tonight. I'll drink my 253 calories, and I won't feel bad about it. The butterflies have left my stomach and chest. I've finally relaxed. I had a nice dinner, which was much healthier than it could've been. I made Loco Moco for the family. For myself, I just had the same thing, minus the meat. I had brown rice, topped with an over easy egg, brown gravy and a bunch of spring mix salad with yogurt ranch dressing (now my favorite dressing). The brown gravy has much more sodium than I like to take in, but I used it sparingly.  Anyway, I'll probably end up with my 10k steps by the time the night is over. I don't like being this close, without achieving my 10k goal. Yes, I'll be the crazy bitch pacing her house until her fitbit buzzes, and I fucking love it.

I've really been missing friends and family lately in a huge way. In some ways, it feels like Maui was just a couple of months ago and in other ways, it feels like a lifetime. I've been thinking about Maui a lot this week. I so loved seeing everyone. I so loved feeling like a human even at the weight I was, when I swam with the turtles. I love the way my brother-in-law treated me as if I was still some athlete, getting me in the water to snorkel for the first time. I love that Melinda and I were able to experience swimming with the turtles together. Again, I felt human and was treated as such. The wedding was ten months ago. No wonder I miss everyone so. Also, I miss my friends so much. I know this sounds strange, because I am the worst at keeping in touch....I can't explain it...but I really do miss them, even if I've dropped off the face of the earth. Tonight brings tentative plans to see the bff. I've missed her, too.  Maybe one of these days, I'll actually be able to pick up the phone when I think of people. Here's hoping that as each pound (again see photo) comes off, I get a little piece of myself back.

Oh, by the way....how come therapy seems to make the 600+ pound person so much better after just one session? I've got years into this shit. Ha!

Hope you are all doing well. I really felt the need to write tonight, if only to tell you: keep at it. Every fucking pound matters. If you need that reminder, save this picture or google what a one pound difference looks like. I'll take my 1 1/2 pounds. I earned it. It all starts with one pound or ounces in some of my cases. It all counts.

I'll leave you with a song that a friend of mine sent me the other day. I'm certainly not going to get political on here, but apparently this song was sung at many of the women's marches the day after the inauguration. This song can have meaning in so many different ways. It's quite powerful. Hope you like it.

~Jen
​