It was 1 year ago today that I started this website.  In some ways it seems
like it was just weeks ago and in others a lifetime.  I initially started this thing in order to motivate myself to lose weight, and hopefully inspire others to do the same alongside me. While the original motive is still key, this website has gone a million different directions over the past year. There have been good stretches of weight loss, and well, quite frankly, horrid periods of weight gain and depression. I guess if there was ever a year, I’d want to document for my own personal reasons, this would be the year. This site was started a month after a difficult move to IL.  We lived in a really small town (with no grocery store), and town folks who were not at all excited about outsiders coming in. 
Especially when we were those “windmill people.”  The wind turbines aren’t very popular in the area we initially moved to. For the life of me, I can’t
really understand why….  They are great for the environment, they bring a lot of money into those little towns & schools, local people are hired, etc.  The only “valid” complaint I’ve heard is that sometimes they have blurry t.v. reception (for those who have antenna t.v.).  But those same people who  have issues with their reception, knew that could be an issue and those are the people who are getting paid a ton to have them on their property.  One night at a bar, a guy was going off about them to me, and then bragged that he has some on his property and makes 10k a month off of them.  But he says he only signed on because he neighbors did….hmmmm…. Thank God we moved (just a few weeks ago) to another town quite a ways away.  I really did not like it there.  I never made any real friends, and it was really hard to be there. Leaving Walnut is one of the smartest things we’ve ever done.  Although, I really would’ve liked to have moved west.  But if we are going to stay in IL, I like our new little town.

So, along with lots of weight loss, exercise, lifestyle choices, this website really has turned into a journal for me.  For better or worse, this documents the past year of my life, which in many ways has been one of the toughest of my life.  I’ve been really upfront about my weight…and about my depression and anxiety issues.  All of which probably tie into each other in different ways. 
When I first started talking openly (well, really about everything), I had to really evaluate if that was a smart thing for me to do.  It didn’t make me feel better by writing it out and knowing people were reading it.   But then a funny
thing happened: I started hearing from a bunch of you and how much you related to what I was talking about.  I heard from people I’d known my whole life, but never knew they felt the same way I did about things or that they too, struggled with clinical depression.  I heard several times: “I thought I was
the only one going through this.”  That’s exactly what I thought.  It’s because of this site that I’ve been able to accept (on some levels) my depression and that it is clinical.  I always just considered myself as being fucked up.  Then I’d hear from people that I truly admired, and how much they could relate to me.  So with that, I’ve continued speaking openly about everything in my life.  This year you’ve heard all about my kids, my marriage (which is the greatest positive of this past year…our relationship is stronger than it’s ever been in the 20 years we’ve been together), my friends, my ability to fit swear words into almost any given sentence, my failings as a friend, music, my dogs…., and everything in between.  I’d say I’ve talked more about those things than actual diet in the past year. While I’ll continue to talk about all of those things, I am really trying to get back to the reason I started this thing to begin with: weight loss.  How we
feel about our weight, really influences almost everything in our lives.  I know with me it does.  The weight makes me feel like a true failure on so many levels.  It makes no sense to me, how I keep struggling with that same fucking issue.  It was really important to me not to come into this one year anniversary
heavier than when I started this thing.  Thank God, I pulled my head out of my head this past week and had a great weight loss. It’s only 4 lbs. less than when I started this thing, but I’ll take it.  I feel like I’m on the road to recovery in so many ways.  I feel really, really good.  I want you all to feel this way.  Even if my methods (when I’m actually doing it) aren’t right for you, I pray you find a way to get where you want to be.  If you do, please share it with us.  If you aren’t comfortable with that, continue to email or message me privately.  I can’t tell you how much it means to me when I hear from you guys.  In some ways, I guess this site makes me feel like I have a purpose.  I know that sounds silly.  It’s not like we have a ton of people reading this, but I’m grateful to every single
person who ever has.

In closing, I’m hoping that this first year, is just Chapter 1: Struggles and maintaining an unhealthy weight.  I’m now on Chapter 2: I feel really fucking
good.

I’d like to thank my cousin Melinda for offering some awesome advice along the way.  And of course, I’d like to thank Amy for her contributions to this site this year.  It’s funny…Amy and I have been very close for a long time, and this year has been a real test of our friendship.  But I guess those things happen, and thankfully we are now as close as we’ve ever been.  I hope she’ll be imparting us with her wisdom again soon.  She really is the most disciplined person I’ve ever known.  You’d think more of that would’ve rubbed off on me by now :)

I guess I’ll quit my rambling.  You’ve heard enough of them over this past 12 months.  My advice to you today is to eat your fruits and veggies ppl.  For God’s sake….eat them, and then eat some more. You’ll be shitting like a champ (and feeling like one) almost immediately.  Oh, and yes, stay off the heroin (soda…)  It’s still my demon, but I am down to one a day.  Soon, I’ll stop taking that “poison.”  Hope the same for you.

~Jen

Food
6:45 Smoothie (water, flax seed, spinach, banana, blueberries), Can of Diet Coke
8:20 Oatmeal Lower sugar (pack of plain and pack of maple and brown sugar w/ water)
11:45 Sandwich (wheat sandwich thin bread (100 cals), 1/2 avocado, 1/2 tomato, 2 romaine leaves lettuce), red apple
12:30 Green tea (hot)
2:15 Large glass of green juice
6:05  Granola bar
7:30  Mashed potatoes (made w/ rice milk and Smart Balance), with a little gravy, and a salad

Exercise:
1 hour walk

Oh man…back to work. This is one of those Mondays that I just can’t get motivated.  I woke up every hour until 3:30, when I woke up for good.  I don’t understand why my sleep is still so screwy.  I’m so fatigued!  I’ve just been having the one soda (devil) a day.  So, I know it’s not caffeine messing with me. 
Hopefully it’ll all be straightened out soon enough.

I must say, I really had a fantastic weekend.  It was full of a lot of good quality husband and kid time.  Sat was great in a lot of ways, but I must tell you something that’s pretty funny.  I always talk about how into Danica, Caleb is.  Well, she wrecked on Sat. (not hurt, just out of the race).  Caleb cried.  He actually cried real tears over it.  It was really funny to see.  He doesn’t have a lot of emotion like that, so it was good on some levels, but Brian and I also got a good laugh out of it.  I thought about recording it and putting it on her twitter page, but then thought that might be a little mean.  Yes, I have that sense of humor.  If you and I are together and you totally bite the dust, I’ll start cracking up.  It’ll happen before I can stop myself, and make myself check to see if you’re okay. Yep.  I’m sick, I know :)  Anyway, he was still crying at the dinner table, but finally pulled himself together to eat.  Brian had bbq’d chicken, and
it’s one of the few things that Caleb really likes to eat. The weather cooled down a bit on Sat., so it was nice to sit outside and have some beers with Brian on the deck. We don’t have a patio set, yet, but we do have a couple of camping chairs.  Same story, different neighborhood: we are the white trash :)  It felt so nice, though.  The heat index was over 105 a lot of last week.

Yesterday, Brian and I went to White Pines State park to check it all out.  We hiked about 3 miles.  It felt so good to be on actual terrain.  It’s so flat out here….  We really did have a great time.  After we returned, I got ready and met Laura for the movie: The Watch.  If you like super dumb comedy, this one’s for you.  I usually do, but this one almost seemed like it tried too hard.  Maybe I’ll watch it again when it’s on dvd, with a glass of wine in me.  Stupid humor is always best like that.  After the movie, we chatted at Starbucks for a bit. (I had tea, instead of my usual hot choc w/ soy).  The night was spent making dinner and juicing.  After that, it was relaxing time watching the Olympics.  Oh how I love them.  Really, really, truly love everything about the Olympics.  I love every event.  I even got way into the archery.  The swimming is among my favorite, though.  Those swimmers astonish me!

Oh yeah, the weigh in…. 209.4 lbs.  Down 6 lbs 4 oz this week!  Yay me! 
I feel so awesome about it!  Thanks for following me on this journey.  Hopefully, you’ll be able to take something positive away from it.  I know it’s a continual learning cycle for me.

I heard, Everything by Alanis yesterday on the radio.  I hadn’t heard it in forever.  What a great song.  I’m so very grateful for the place that I’m at in my marriage right now.  Truly, truly blessed.  Thought I’d share the lyrics.

Food:
5:30 
Smoothie (water, flax seed, spinach, banana, blueberries)
7:00  20 oz Diet Coke
7:50  Blueberry Cliff bar
11:30  Bowl of bean soup
1:30  Orange
4:00  Bowl of corn Chex w/ a banana and rice milk
6:00 Mexican food at a restaurant.....
7:30  Snack Pack banana pudding

Exercise:
5:55 
10 up and downs on our steep stairs


Everything
 I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's
going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone

Who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever
met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest
heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive
as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all
my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed

There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

I
blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be
devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you've never met anyone
as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see
every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of
which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And
you're still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I
know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I'm the
funniest woman that you've ever known
I'm the dullest woman that you've ever
known
I'm the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known
And you've never
met anyone
Who is as everything as I am sometimes

You see everything
(you see everything), you see every part (you see every part )
You see all my
light (you see all my light) and you love my dark (and you love my dark )
You
dig everything (you dig everything) of which I'm ashamed (of which I'm
  ashamed)
There's not anything (there's not anything) to which you can't
relate (to which you can't relate)
And you're still here

(You see
everything, you see every part)
And you're still here
(You see all my
light and you love my dark)
And you're still here
(You dig everything of
which I'm ashamed)
(There's not anything to which you can't relate)
And
you're still here...

9:00 Smoothie (water, spinach, flax seed, banana, frozen pineapple, strawberries, peaches
10:45  Cliff Bar
1:15  Small Baked Potato w/ Smart Balance, salad w/ lite honey must dressing, can of Diet coke
5;45 2 small cookies
6:45  Brown rice w/ mushroom gravy, corn, and steamed broccoli

Exercise:
3 miles hiking

Aaaah, it's Sat.  I actually was able to sleep in until nearly 7.  I can't complain about that!  I did end up in Cal's bed around 3, though.  He tries to find a different reason to come into our room every night.  He's done this in the middle of the night ever since we moved in this house.  He'd been doing it quite a bit at the old house, too.  He had his sleeping issues under control for a long time, but it looks like we have to figure it out again.  When he came in, I asked who he wanted to sleep with and he said Daddy, so off I went.  It doesn't pay to try to have all of us in the bed.  I simply can't sleep that way.  But the benefit of this fatigue I've been dealing with, is I was able to fall right to sleep once I went into his room.
It's only 12:30, but it's already been a great day.  Brian took Ryno to football practice at 8, so I made Cal breakfast and then spent an hour cleaning, along w/ making my smoothie.  Once the boys got home, Brian and I went on an hour long walk.  We went exploring what we thought was going to be a great trail along the river, but it wasn't very long.  We both love walking along the water.  There's got to be a great trail around here somewhere.  Hopefully we can find it tomorrow.  I really love taking walks with Brian.  Even in times where our marriage was hard, we still always made the most of those times we could spend walking along the water somewhere or other.
We are going to drive 10 miles into a town called, "Oregon" and get the boys haircuts.  We'll bring them lunch and do a little exploring.  They have tee-pees all over town.  I'm looking forward to the boys checking them out.  Ryne especially loves anything Native related.  He's very proud to be a Tahltan.  I love it.  Cal is just proud to have such white skin.  OMG....  He says the most inappropriate things.  He brags about being the whitest one in the family (he says, along with Cousin Tess and Auntie Brooke).  Dear God....  I try to talk to him about different skin colors (he is not at all prejudice against anyone), but ppl might take it the wrong way when he talks about his skin color.  Kinda funny for an Indian :)
Oh, I guess I should explain the title: Finding It.  I feel so good right now.  That, "it" that's been missing.  I can't wait to get this weight off.  It's been less than a week, but mentally/physically I already feel better.

Hope you all are having a wonderful weekend!

Food:
8:30  Smoothie (water, spinach, flax seed, banana, mixed fruit (peaches, strawberries, pineapple)
12:00  Sandwich (wheat bread, sm amt of mayo, 1/2 avocado, 1/2 tomato, romaine lettuce), Butterscotch Snack Pack pudding, Can of Diet Coke
4:00  Banana
5:30  Baked potato w/ Smart Balance and tiny bit of cheese, salad w/ lite honey mustard dressing, sm amt of pasta salad, bbq'd zucchini
6:30  Fudge Sicle
7:30  Several Coors Light w/ Brian.

Exercise:
1 hour walk


 

Aaaahhhh....made it to Friday.  Congrats to us all!  It's been a pretty busy day today, work, paying bills (ugh....), went grocery shopping on my lunch, after work ran home to p/u the boys from Park and Rec.  Quickly fed them and got Ryno off to football practice, and then headed off the hour and fifteen to Walnut to take Cal to his last baseball game.  The kid is too smart for his own good.  He had that schedule memorized, otherwise we could've told him the season was over.  But to no avail...  Brian suggested we tell him it was canceled, but I knew that would break his little heart.  He does enjoy playing.  I actually loved it tonight, because he looked absolutely pissed when he got out on a play at first.  He was struggling to take off his helmet, which I thought he just might throw, but he kept his compossure.  We don't see a ton of emotion out of him, so I enjoy any type we can get.  Anyway, just got home about 9:30.  I don't know what it is,, but the older I get the less I care to drive in the dark.  I won't wait to be an old lady to stop night driving, hell that may be just around the corner :)  So, given today was weird and on the run.  I did my best, and I feel good about it.  Just wish I would've had a moment to work out.  I'll make up for that in the a.m., though.

Food:
6:30  Glass of green juice
7:45  Cup of black tea
8:30  Cliff Bar
10:00  Homemade bean soup
1:00  Tuna salad sandwich...w/ a 20 oz Diet Coke
4:30  Glass of green juice
5:00  Banana, Granola Bar

Holy smokes….I don’t know where this fatigue is coming from.  I could barely keep my eyes open driving home after work yesterday.  I had to open the windows (w/ 110 heat index outside) to get some wind in there and consciously keep my eyes open.  As soon as I got home, I went right to bed.  I was in my jeans and all.  I slept about 2 hours.  Crazy.  That’s the 2nd time that’s happened in a week.  After I woke up I was pretty out of it and didn’t work out…. I’ll make up for that today. Anyway, my friend Kim called last night. Her nickname is “L.P.” for Life Partner. I gave her that name after we had an Autism Mom’s weekend at Bonneville Spa.  It was a really cool group of women.  Anyway, the wine tasting was cheaper if you were a couple, so for the rest of the weekend L.P. and I were coupled up for whatever discount we could get. If I find a joke somewhere, and I think it’s a good one.  I will never let it go.  No matter how silly, embarrassing, whatever.  It’ll stick for life.  I love it. Amy will always have a “big bush,” Kristy will always be known as Nurse Kristy or referred to as NK in texts or emails, I’ll always associate Tammi with an outhouse, the other Tammi is only known as “Cookie,” because when I met her 20 some years ago she was a 17 y/o straight out of working for Cookie Cutter, and it goes on and on.  Do I take jokes too far…uh yeah, but that’s what I really find funny.  As you can tell, I’m all about entertaining myself.  So, my phone goes off when L.P. calls last night, and it’s: “Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not?” ringtone.  I died. I totally forgot I’d given her that. L.P. is like I was my whole
life, up until several years ago.  I cringed at hugs, I never put my hand on people when talking to them, and I certainly had never kissed any of my friends
(Relax…no tongue J)  But my awesome friends taught me about those things and now it’s just a natural way of expressing how I feel (well, except for the kissing.  I hadn’t allowed that much until my bday, and then bam!) Anyway, back to L.P. and her pulling away when I hug her goodbye, etc.  Now the joke with her is that I try to plant one on her lips.  You should see her face.  It’s like I’m trying to rub dog shit in her face or something.  It’s awesome and priceless. 
So, that’s where her ringtone came from and we both got a good laugh over
that one.  She’s a great friend.  Not only because we have so much in common and crack each other up, but I love her for showing me the world of Autism.  After Caleb was diagnosed, I couldn’t talk about it without crying for over a year (and off and on since through now).  I went to an Autism Support Group, and Kim was the one conducting the meeting.   We then had a play date w/ the kids.  I walked away from that play date a totally different person.  It was
as if an elephant had been lifted off of my chest. It’s because of her, that I began my journey of healing…and dealing with Cal’s diagnosis.  Okay, my intention was just to say I had a good talk w/ a good friend.   But now you know the story of me and my Life Partner :)

I feel so very good about my eating right now.  I can already feel the change in the swelling of my hands.  This is only day 4.  That’s how quickly eating better can make a difference in our bodies.  I wish each day meant a pound lost, but that’s not quite how it works.  But thankfully, I’m feeling better all the way around from just these few days.  I’ve only had (1) 20 oz. Diet Coke a day this week, too.  I wanted to be off it all the way, but I’m not there yet.  Cutting down really makes a difference, though.  I know I’m not in the “perfect zone” for my diet right now, but I’m happy with it.  This week is “good.”  Maybe next week will be “great!”  

I hope you all are doing great.  I must tell you how much I’ve been missing everyone lately….  Really, really have.  Thanks for sticking with me guys.  I know I’m not always the easiest person to stick with, but especially if you follow me on here, you’re there through it all.  I so appreciate it.  I’m hoping to make you guys very proud, very soon.

Much Love,


Jen


Food:
6:45 
Diet Coke, Lara Bar  (Brian took the last banana…ugh, but good for him for starting the day off right)
9:00 
Packet of Instant oatmeal w/ brown sugar (water)
10:00 
Plain black tea
12:00 
Footlong egg white sandwich on flatbread….  No cheese (doesn’t taste near as good, but still good enough), extra spinach, black olives, and tomatoes
2:00  Plain black tea
4:30  Glass of Green Juice
5:30  Salad w/ lite honey mustard dressing, and steamed baby potatoes w/ peas and red peppers
8:30  Alright....I was STARVING and I was so tempted to eat a fudgsicle, but I had a glass of green juice instead.  Yay Me!

Exercise:
30 Mins. BL workout on the Wii

I’m quite proud of my last night.  I feel the gears starting to click.  Once I got home, I rested for a short time (just can’t catch up on my sleep, and also Cal hasn’t been sleeping well, so he makes sure I don’t, either), and then made dinner (spaghetti w/ fake hamburger, salad and carrots).  Brian hustled Ryne off to football practice, so I spent some time w/ Cal before cleaning up after dinner, etc.  And even though I was dead tired, I made myself do 37 mins of the BL workout on the Wii.  It’s crazy how quickly you lose it, when you haven’t done it in a while.  My timing on everything was terrible.  I got really mad at myself, because I’d come a long way w/ those workouts.  Now, it’s back to square 1.  But I was proud of myself for doing it.  I then got Cal showered and ready for bed, before cleaning some more and starting laundry. I was going to make myself go to bed by 10, but just before then I opened the boys backpacks from Daycamp. They were complete with wet bathing suits, and new shirts that were apparently needed for today’s field trip (some local theme park).  So, I stayed up too late in order to get the laundry done.  Oh, I almost forgot: I also made some green juice.  This time I did it all in the juicer.  I hate all of the waste, but the VitaMix makes it almost too thick and it doesn’t seem to stay as fresh for as long.

So I felt really good going into today, with the exception of still needing to catch up on sleep.  I wonder if I will ever have a night that I actually sleep the entire night through?  I don’t know if that’s possible for me.  It’s probably been 20 years since it happened.  I can keep hoping for it, though.  The boys were a bit of a bear to get going this morning.  Ryne doesn’t get home from football practice until 8:45, and then he has to get up at 5:30 a.m., which also kills Cal.  But thankfully we ran on time this morning. I also have been making myself make a lot of trips up and down the stairs (they’re fairly steep).  And just before I left, I made myself go up and down 5 times, just to start the day off right.  My knee is suffering from that and the BL workout, though.  But I’ll take that.  It’s
been bothering me lately b/c of the excess weight.  Hopefully I won’t cause any more damage to it, as I get myself back into shape.  Anyway, my head is on
straight, and I’m so very thankful for this….

I was reminded, in a round a bout way, yesterday of the “dark” post from May.  I went back and found it and re-read it.  It broke my heart to read that thing…  While looking for it, I also read some of the older posts, and quite frankly I was
surprised by how often/much I was drinking…  So dumb. I guess the depression and anxiety got to me, and sometimes the alcohol would calm me down, but clearly not always.  It just feeds the depression in the worst way.  I’ve been giving a lot of thought about the way I drink lately.  I’m 40 y/o’s.  I don’t know at this point that I’ll ever find a nice medium ground with the amount I
drink.  But I certainly have control over how often I do it.  I’ve decided to primarily only do it in social situations (which there aren’t a lot of out here) and they need to be situations in which I won’t be able to allow myself to drive.  I do enjoy drinking when it’s with good friends.  I just need to make sure the situations are right, and to not abuse it. I enjoy it enough that I don’t want to get to a point where I go, that’s it.  I can’t drink ever again.  Plus, I’d be fucked if I had to do the 12 steps.  I don’t apologize well :)  But anyway, in reading back, I’m glad to not be in that space anymore.  It’s been a while since things have been “bad.”  I’m really trying to go into each day w/the mantra of, my day will be as good as I want it to be. I’m not always successful,
but I’m successful in that I think about my own happiness and what gets me
there.

On my drive in this morning, I was thinking about some really great friends that I would do anything for.  But apparently “anything” doesn’t include returning calls or texts.  What an asshole.  It’s funny how we get caught up in life sometimes, and we let the really important things just kind of pass us by.  So, tonight will be my return calls, texts, emails night.  I really don’t know why I don’t do it sometimes.  I’m always excited to hear from ppl.  I guess I always feel like I have to be in the right mood to do it.  That’s b.s. If someone takes the time to send us some love, the least we can do it return it.  There’s myself lesson for the day.

Oh, also on the drive in (my head was busy this morning), while listening to Settle Down by ND, for the first time I didn’t think of it as a cheating song that Gwen had written to Gavin.  This time I associated it with my weight struggles.  I’m ready to Settle Down :)  Enjoy. How can you not LOVE No Doubt?!

Food: 
6:30 
Smoothie (water, spinach, flax seed, banana, blueberries)
8:30 
Blueberry Cliff Bar, 20 oz. Diet Coke….
10:30  Banana, Cup of hot green tea
12:00  Bowl of homemade bean soup, sparkling water
3:00  Water bottle full of "green juice"
4:30  100 cal Fudge Sicle
7:30  Leftover spaghetti w/ salad

"Settle Down"
Get
get get in line, and settle down
Get in line, and settle down

What's
your twenty? (Do you copy?)
Where's your brain? (Do you copy?)
Checking in
to check you out
Concerned about your whereabouts
Copy that, you're acting
strange
So tell me what is going on
So heavy I bet

I'm fine (and
nothing's gonna knock this girl down)
I'm hella positive for real
I'm all
good
No I'm fine (and nothing's gonna knock this girl down)
It's kind of
complicated that's for sure

But you can see it my eyes, you can read on
my lips
I'm trying to get a hold on this
And I really mean it this
time
And you know it's such a trip
Don't get me started
I'm trying to
get a hold on this

Get get get in line, and settle down
Get in line,
and settle down

No big deal (I can handle it)
It'll bounce off me (I
can handle it)
Been around the block before
Doesn't matter anymore
Here
we go again (Are you kidding me?)
Are you insane? (Are you kidding me?)

Underneath the avalanche
So heavy again

I'm fine (and nothing's gonna
knock this girl down)
I'm hella positive for real
I'm all good
No I'm
fine (and nothing's gonna knock this girl down)
It's kind of complicated
that's for sure

But you can see it my eyes, you can read on my lips

I'm trying to get a hold on this
And I really mean it this time
And you
know it's such a trip
Don't get me started
I'm trying to get a hold on
this

Get get get in line, and settle down
Get in line, and settle
down

I'm a rough and tough
I'm a rough and tough
And nothing's
gonna knock this girl down
I'm a rough and tough
I'm a rough and tough

And nothing's gonna knock this girl down
I'm a rough and tough
I'm a rough
and tough
And nothing's gonna knock this girl down
I'm a rough and
tough
I'm a rough and tough

But you can see it my eyes, you can read
on my lips
I'm trying to get a hold on this
And I really mean it this
time
And you know it's such a trip
Don't get me started
I'm trying to
get a hold on this

Gotta get a hold on this
Trying to get a hold on
this
Don't get me started
Gotta get a hold on this

Get get get in
line, and settle down
Get in line, and settle down

Get get get in
line, and settle down
Get in line, and settle down

Okay, back to nearly a year….  So, yesterday was not the greatest day.  Cal had started puking at 3:15 A.M.  That happens sometimes when he has overwhelming days.  I stayed home with the boys.  I made the mistake of reading the intro to my blog, though.  July 31 will be one year since I started this thing…. And guess what…I finally weighed my fat ass, and I was at 215.8 
Yes, I’ve actually gained f’ing weight.  What a loser… How’s that for inspiration?  So weighing myself, plus reading the blog, plus being a little on edge from the night before, coupled with one of my closest friends calling me out on my absolute worst habit, brought me to tears. Dear Lord.  What a pussy.  At least it didn’t last long.  I worked hard to make the most of the day.  I walked for an hour and 10 mins.  Plus, I ate really well.  I also only had one soda, which goes the same for today.  I know soda is my kryptonite.  I need to get away from that poison.  I also looked at what was really bugging me, which was the clutter of the house which still needed so much unpacking (and also the source of friction between my hubby and I).  Anyway, thankfully I got a lot done.
Today, I had great intentions of eating well the entire day, but unfortunately forgot my lunch at home. Ugh.  This didn’t have to mean disaster, but I opted to have Mexican food with the guys from work.  That was 3 hours ago, and I still feel it weighing down my stomach.  But like Amy said, it’s only a “setback” for the day, it won’t determine my day.  I need to do a better job of telling myself that.  I’ll also have to figure out a way to get in a workout tonight. 
It might have to be the BL on the Wii (which is now in Ryne’s room.  Good times). I’m determined to get on track. Admittedly, I haven’t been in the best of spirits or moods for a few days, but I know my head is on straight. I know when I’m there, and when I don’t care.  Today I care. I’m going to keep telling myself that everyday.  BTW. This is a total side note, but I’m chatting w/ Amy as I’m doing this.  If I ever find out what makes youcringe, beware.  I love to make
people cringe.  Or maybe it’s just her, because it’s too easy.  Anyway, back to my head being on straight.  Lol  I’ve really been putting so much thought into this and how important it is.  I need to be healthy….I really, really do. 
Getting back on the scale was a big step forward for me, even though it
upset me.  I actually thought it would be worse.  I know I deserved
worse than that.  It’s like I’ve been training for a pie eating contest, only with Suzy Q’s and Pepsi. But today is the second day without sugar and I’m surprisingly handling it well.  My body is ready, too.  Trust me, it’s tired of being sick and tired, just as much as I am.  No more excuses….Good Lord I know I hate it when I make excuses, but here I am the master of them.
So, I’m going to put down the lyrics from Pink’s Blow Me (One Last Kiss). 
It’s funny, because Sun. started so good for us.  We were so flirty, and even on the drive to the race were talking about the lyrics to, Faster.  It was going to be on like Donkey Kong that evening, before we pissed each other off.  I think every married person when pissed, goes to the worst place in their head, when they are in that moment of MOFO!  Really? The same fight, different decade
mode. Whenever any of my girlfriends have talked about this song, they’ve said it’s their anthem.  I really don’t feel that way, but certain lyrics from it were going through my head, when I went to bed alone, including: I think I maybe think too much.  But not much past that.  He’s a good guy, and I do love him.  And no, I’m not writing that for his benefit.  He’s sworn to me that he’ll never read this blog.  Same with my Mom.  I wouldn’t be able to be as honest as I am, if I thought they read it.
Hope you all have a great day,
Jen


"Blow Me (One Last Kiss)"


White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight
Clenched
shut jaw, I've got another headache again tonight
Eyes on fire, eyes on fire,
and they burn from all the tears
I've been crying, I've been crying, I've
been dying over you
Tie a knot in the rope, tryna hold, tryna hold,
But
there's nothing to grab so I let go

I think I've finally had enough, I
think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one
last kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My
head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)

Just when it can't get worse,
I've had a shit day (NO!)
Have you had a shit day? (NO!), we've had a shit
day (NO!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance
and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.

I
won't miss all of the fighting that we always did,
Take it in, I mean what I
say when I say there is nothing left
No more sick, whiskey dick, no more
battles for me
You'll be calling a trick, 'cause you'll no longer sleep

I'll dress nice, I'll look good, I'll go dancing alone
I will laugh, I'll get
drunk, I'll take somebody home

I think I've finally had enough, I think I
maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last
kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head
is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)

Just when it can't get worse, I've
had a shit day (No!)
Have you had a shit day? (No!), we've had a shit day
(No!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and
bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.

Blow me
one last kiss
Blow me one last kiss

I will do what I please, anything
that I want
I will breathe, I will breathe, I won't worry at all
You will
pay for your sins, you'll be sorry my dear
All the lies, all the why's, will
all be crystal clear

I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe
think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You
think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning
so (blow me one last kiss)

Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit
day (No!)
Have you had a shit day? (No!), we've had a shit day (No!)
I
think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I
think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.

Blow me one last
kiss
Blow me one last kiss

Just when it can't get worse, I've had a
shit day (No!)
Have you had a shit day? (No!), we've had a shit day (No!)

I think that life's too short for this, Want back my ignorance and bliss
I
think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.

It's been a few days since I've been on here, so I'll just give you a quick run down of what's been going on.  A few of us went out on Friday after work.  There were a couple of ex employees that met up, too.  I really, really liked them.  One was just visiting from Nebraska for the weekend, though.  The other gal, Laura lives in town, though.  Her and I seemed to click immediately.  I'm really attracted to people that inspire me.  Instantly she reminded me of you guys: the "type" of friends I choose to surround myself.  Anyway, I think her and I are going to be friends.  Pretty cool.  As you know, I don't have a lot of friends out here.  After everyone else left, we headed out to my neck of the woods for some karaoke.  I haven't been around karaoke in IL at all, so I was thrilled.  Laura sang some songs, including: Cashmere.  I love that.  Takes balls.  And as you know...if I sing, it means I'm drunk.  Which I was....drank way too much like a huge tool.  At least there was nobody there to hear us.  It was literally us, the bartender and the d.j.  Anyway, it's become pretty evident that I still can't find the middle ground with drinking.  It's yet another thing that I seem to be all or nothing when it comes to it. 
Sat. was totally busy.  Ryne had a baseball game in Walnut.  They lost in a heartbreaker...  They were a much better team, but they just made lots of mental errors.  Ryne had his first "home run" of the season, to tie it at one point.  It was actually a double followed by errors, but at this age the kids believe they are homers.  Ryne's a pretty good hitter, but they never adjusted the batting order from the first game, and he was hitting down low.  This meant he only got to hit once a game.  What a bummer.  At least he had a good time playing.  He won't get to finish up the season tonight, though.  Football practice starts tonight, at the same time they have their game an hour and 15 mins from here.  Anyway, after the game we took the boys for ice cream and then swimming.  We got home kind of late, and Brian and I were beat.  We just laid in bed and he watched The Kardashian's with me.  Those are the best kind of days.
Yesterday was the big "Nascar" day.  I'd gotten free tix from work, so we took the boys to Chicago to see the race.  Caleb is beyond obsessed with racing.  He loves Danica, like no other.  For the most part it was a good day.  Getting there was not a lot of fun, and our attempt at "tailgating" was a disaster.  Ryne was not on great behavior.  Brian was already stressed about the day, so that wasn't the greatest combo.  haha....  Well, this is where I quit typing yesterday.  Brian and I did not have the best night, but it wasn't the worst, either.  With 20 years together, I guess you'll have those things. 

It’s funny how a day can turn from one way to another without any warning.  I
don’t mean in the sense that something tragic happened.  I just mean our moods or how we feel physically. Yesterday was an awesomday. Unfortunately, I had to top off the “awesome” day with therapy.  Ugh.  I was bound and determined not to let therapy ruin my mood, but of course it probably contributed in some way to the rest of my evening.  My mistake was talking about Junior, I think….  Every day is getting harder.  When we first had to put him down, I had a small sense of relief that he was no longer suffering, and that I would no longer be responsible for deciding when my dog would die….  For a few days after, there was also a sense of no longer stressing about him all day and all the work and money that went into trying to ensure that he had as good of quality of life as possible.  I also was putting a lot of love into the black kitten….and I still try to tell myself someone found her and let her into their home and is taking good care of her…. But since that first week, the sense of loss has progressively gotten worse.  I hate coming home to an empty house.  I hate waking up in the morning and not having my dogs to take care of. Also, since losing Junior, it’s brought on a whole new sense of grief over Sara.  She’s been gone about 14 mos, but I had to put so much energy into Jr. that it was a distraction.  So, I find myself missing my dogs a lot.  I don’t know that getting a
new dog is the answer.  I miss my dogs. I can honestly say that when we got Junior it taught me an unconditional love that I don’t know that I’d known before in my life.  I’m so untrusting by nature that it was so nice to just trust and love without wondering what they needed from me, or even wondering what I needed from him. It was just easy.  I know I probably sound like a lunatic, but I honestly and truly loved those dogs, and they loved me. 
No matter how poor of a parent I may have been to them at times.  They loved me….  Other than my kids, it’s the only love I’ve never had to second guess.  Well, enough of that.

But despite a kind of heavy therapy session, I came home with the intention of cracking open a beer, buying some new music and making some c.d.’s.  Within 15 mins of being home, I just started to feel really ill. I laid down and fell asleep for a couple of hours.  I woke up for a bit, but still stayed in bed for the rest of the night.  Today I still feel like crap.  My body aches, along with my head.  I don’t know if it’s all of the crap I’ve been eating or if it’s b/c my period is approaching.  It’s probably a combo of both.  So, I’m eating good today and limiting myself to one diet soda.  If the headache becomes unbearable b/c
of the sugar/caffeine withdrawals, I’ll go to hot tea.  So, my mood certainly isn’t as good as yesterday, but it’s not a depression, either. It’s just feeling yucky and trying to make it through the day.  Hopefully I’ll get a lot more sleep tonight and wake up feeling good tomorrow!

I’m not putting the lyrics down for this song, other than the fact that I love it. 
I heard it on the way to work this morning.  I don’t love all Coldplay songs, but I love the hell out of some of them.  I think Chris Martin is brilliant.

The Scientist

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start Running in circles,
coming up tails Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part Nobody said it was
easy No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start
I was just guessing at numbers and  figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress Do not
speak as loud as my heart
But tell me you love me,
come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh oohAh
ooh, ooh ooh ooh oohOh ooh, ooh ooh ooh
oohOh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh