Settle Down

I’m quite proud of my last night.  I feel the gears starting to click.  Once I got home, I rested for a short time (just can’t catch up on my sleep, and also Cal hasn’t been sleeping well, so he makes sure I don’t, either), and then made dinner (spaghetti w/ fake hamburger, salad and carrots).  Brian hustled Ryne off to football practice, so I spent some time w/ Cal before cleaning up after dinner, etc.  And even though I was dead tired, I made myself do 37 mins of the BL workout on the Wii.  It’s crazy how quickly you lose it, when you haven’t done it in a while.  My timing on everything was terrible.  I got really mad at myself, because I’d come a long way w/ those workouts.  Now, it’s back to square 1.  But I was proud of myself for doing it.  I then got Cal showered and ready for bed, before cleaning some more and starting laundry. I was going to make myself go to bed by 10, but just before then I opened the boys backpacks from Daycamp. They were complete with wet bathing suits, and new shirts that were apparently needed for today’s field trip (some local theme park).  So, I stayed up too late in order to get the laundry done.  Oh, I almost forgot: I also made some green juice.  This time I did it all in the juicer.  I hate all of the waste, but the VitaMix makes it almost too thick and it doesn’t seem to stay as fresh for as long.

So I felt really good going into today, with the exception of still needing to catch up on sleep.  I wonder if I will ever have a night that I actually sleep the entire night through?  I don’t know if that’s possible for me.  It’s probably been 20 years since it happened.  I can keep hoping for it, though.  The boys were a bit of a bear to get going this morning.  Ryne doesn’t get home from football practice until 8:45, and then he has to get up at 5:30 a.m., which also kills Cal.  But thankfully we ran on time this morning. I also have been making myself make a lot of trips up and down the stairs (they’re fairly steep).  And just before I left, I made myself go up and down 5 times, just to start the day off right.  My knee is suffering from that and the BL workout, though.  But I’ll take that.  It’s
been bothering me lately b/c of the excess weight.  Hopefully I won’t cause any more damage to it, as I get myself back into shape.  Anyway, my head is on
straight, and I’m so very thankful for this….

I was reminded, in a round a bout way, yesterday of the “dark” post from May.  I went back and found it and re-read it.  It broke my heart to read that thing…  While looking for it, I also read some of the older posts, and quite frankly I was
surprised by how often/much I was drinking…  So dumb. I guess the depression and anxiety got to me, and sometimes the alcohol would calm me down, but clearly not always.  It just feeds the depression in the worst way.  I’ve been giving a lot of thought about the way I drink lately.  I’m 40 y/o’s.  I don’t know at this point that I’ll ever find a nice medium ground with the amount I
drink.  But I certainly have control over how often I do it.  I’ve decided to primarily only do it in social situations (which there aren’t a lot of out here) and they need to be situations in which I won’t be able to allow myself to drive.  I do enjoy drinking when it’s with good friends.  I just need to make sure the situations are right, and to not abuse it. I enjoy it enough that I don’t want to get to a point where I go, that’s it.  I can’t drink ever again.  Plus, I’d be fucked if I had to do the 12 steps.  I don’t apologize well :)  But anyway, in reading back, I’m glad to not be in that space anymore.  It’s been a while since things have been “bad.”  I’m really trying to go into each day w/the mantra of, my day will be as good as I want it to be. I’m not always successful,
but I’m successful in that I think about my own happiness and what gets me
there.

On my drive in this morning, I was thinking about some really great friends that I would do anything for.  But apparently “anything” doesn’t include returning calls or texts.  What an asshole.  It’s funny how we get caught up in life sometimes, and we let the really important things just kind of pass us by.  So, tonight will be my return calls, texts, emails night.  I really don’t know why I don’t do it sometimes.  I’m always excited to hear from ppl.  I guess I always feel like I have to be in the right mood to do it.  That’s b.s. If someone takes the time to send us some love, the least we can do it return it.  There’s myself lesson for the day.

Oh, also on the drive in (my head was busy this morning), while listening to Settle Down by ND, for the first time I didn’t think of it as a cheating song that Gwen had written to Gavin.  This time I associated it with my weight struggles.  I’m ready to Settle Down :)  Enjoy. How can you not LOVE No Doubt?!

Food: 
6:30 
Smoothie (water, spinach, flax seed, banana, blueberries)
8:30 
Blueberry Cliff Bar, 20 oz. Diet Coke….
10:30  Banana, Cup of hot green tea
12:00  Bowl of homemade bean soup, sparkling water
3:00  Water bottle full of "green juice"
4:30  100 cal Fudge Sicle
7:30  Leftover spaghetti w/ salad

"Settle Down"
Get
get get in line, and settle down
Get in line, and settle down

What's
your twenty? (Do you copy?)
Where's your brain? (Do you copy?)
Checking in
to check you out
Concerned about your whereabouts
Copy that, you're acting
strange
So tell me what is going on
So heavy I bet

I'm fine (and
nothing's gonna knock this girl down)
I'm hella positive for real
I'm all
good
No I'm fine (and nothing's gonna knock this girl down)
It's kind of
complicated that's for sure

But you can see it my eyes, you can read on
my lips
I'm trying to get a hold on this
And I really mean it this
time
And you know it's such a trip
Don't get me started
I'm trying to
get a hold on this

Get get get in line, and settle down
Get in line,
and settle down

No big deal (I can handle it)
It'll bounce off me (I
can handle it)
Been around the block before
Doesn't matter anymore
Here
we go again (Are you kidding me?)
Are you insane? (Are you kidding me?)

Underneath the avalanche
So heavy again

I'm fine (and nothing's gonna
knock this girl down)
I'm hella positive for real
I'm all good
No I'm
fine (and nothing's gonna knock this girl down)
It's kind of complicated
that's for sure

But you can see it my eyes, you can read on my lips

I'm trying to get a hold on this
And I really mean it this time
And you
know it's such a trip
Don't get me started
I'm trying to get a hold on
this

Get get get in line, and settle down
Get in line, and settle
down

I'm a rough and tough
I'm a rough and tough
And nothing's
gonna knock this girl down
I'm a rough and tough
I'm a rough and tough

And nothing's gonna knock this girl down
I'm a rough and tough
I'm a rough
and tough
And nothing's gonna knock this girl down
I'm a rough and
tough
I'm a rough and tough

But you can see it my eyes, you can read
on my lips
I'm trying to get a hold on this
And I really mean it this
time
And you know it's such a trip
Don't get me started
I'm trying to
get a hold on this

Gotta get a hold on this
Trying to get a hold on
this
Don't get me started
Gotta get a hold on this

Get get get in
line, and settle down
Get in line, and settle down

Get get get in
line, and settle down
Get in line, and settle down