Aaaah, Colorado.  I absolutely love this state.  It's where I want to end up living one day.  It's the state that most closely resembles Alaska for me, but it doesn't require actually Living in AK :)

Friday I flew into Denver to see my friend, Amy.  We've been friends for over 20 years now.  We became friends while playing on the basketball team at Clark College in '91, but actually met at a party the year before through an Alaska connection.  Anyway, we've been friends all these years, but a really cool thing happened as the years went by.  We became closer and closer friends as time went by.   So, at this point in our lives/friendship we've done quite a bit of travelling together, I guess.  This was my third Denver trip, but it was different than the others.  This time we actually started our first night by staying at a nice hotel downtown Denver.  It was pretty cool to hang out down there.  All of the other times, we've just gone down to see a ballgame or what not.  It was cool to kind of take in the city a little bit.  Well, as much as one can for being asleep by 10:30 that night.  haha.  What rock stars.  Drinking on an empty stomach will get you every time.  Maybe we'll actually learn one day.

The next couple of nights we camped just a few miles away from Red Rocks.  I literally haven't tent camped since I was in h.s.  For years I didn't think I'd want to, but in later years I've been trying to get Brian to go, but he hasn't been game for it.  Thank God Amy's an experienced camper.  She knew how to put up the tent and stuff.  She also had all sorts of cool camping garb.  Our first day was super relaxing.  We chatted in our site and had a few beers.  We then went to the camp lake, had a couple more beers, while chatting and playing music trivia.  It was here that I got one mother of a sun burn.  The fucking thing still hurts, but at the same time is now starting to itch.  Not a good combo!  After the lake, we went back to the site and Amy built a fire and cooked dinner.  Way, way cool.  We just sat around and listened to music (as we did the whole trip).  We have pretty much the exact same taste in music.  We'd listen to a little bit of new stuff, but mostly, we'd listen to cheesy 70's music and classic country.  Just hanging out listening to good music is about my favorite thing.  We managed to stay up later that night, maybe midnight or so (oh yes, after she beat me all 7 games or whatever of Gin Rummy...mofosob).  It was really a nice day.

Sun. is where it started to get a bit busy.  Amy once again cooked for us (which is great, because she is such a healthy eater).  After I ate, and thought my slight hangover was starting to subside, we went on about a 2 hour hike.  Oh man, was it beautiful!  I could've stayed out there all day.  Absolutely loved it.  After the hike, we got ready for the surprise that Amy had in store for me: tickets to see the Broncos play at Mile High Stadium.  Booya!  What a fantastic surprise.  I've always wanted to see Peyton Manning play live.  Too cool.  We had a blast at the game, but then had to rush back to get to the Bonnie Raitt concert at Red Rocks.  We decided to forego the opening act, and swill down a few beers.  It was at this time that we also "shot the root."  OMG.....I hadn't done that probably since I was 19 or so, and it was probably with Amy and her hubby Chuck.  Chuck loves to shoot the root!  Anyway, how you do it is: pour a beer into a pint glass and then drop in a shot glass full of rootbeer Schnapps.  It fizzes up and you end up chugging it.  It tastes just like root beer.  Well, some 20 some years later, it didn't turn out quite like it used to.  We "split" a beer, and we didn't have any shot glasses, so we just did a tall pour of the Schnapps.  We tried to chug, but really that only lasted about a second each.  We then sipped it until it was gone.  It was damn good, though.  And as the ppl hanging out several cars away can attest, it gives you the greatest burps!  We then headed up to the show, and turned our 55th row tickets into 6th row center, simply by acting like that was our rightful place.  Oh man, it was so cool being so close to Bonnie.  She was simply fantastic.  Would see her again in a heartbeat!  And I'll also tell you that I've been to so many concerts that I've pretty much seen it all.  But there is absolutely nothing as stunning as the concert setting at Red Rocks.  Phenomenal!  After the show, we headed back and as we were driving through town we noticed a bar was open.  And what do you know....they were doing karaoke!  What good fortune!  Amy (or Sheryl w/ an S as she known at karaoke) was able to sing a couple of songs.  It was a great time, but upon further reflection I really should not have drank anymore after we got to the bar.  I paid for it dearly the next morning.

Once again, I was treated to a campfire breakfast my last morning in town.  Thankfully after enough cocconut water, my tummy was ready for food.  It truly saved me.  Was not feeling well at all....  It was a long trip home that day.  I arrived at DIA at 12:30 their time, but didn't actually get to my house until 9 p.m.  It was harder than hell to get up for work in the moring.  It's now Thursday, and I'm still paying for it.  My sleep is way screwed up.  Thank God for the 3 day weekend coming up.  I'm looking forward to lots of rest :)

I know some of you were curious about the trip, so I hope you enjoyed the summary of it all.  I also thought it was a good idea for me to write it all out, as it becomes more and more evident every day, that my memory is getting worse and worse.  And you know the only person I know with as bad of memory as me?  That would be Amy.  So, hopefully one day I'll be able to read this back and become reminded of one of my favorite weekends ever.

Switching gears....tomorrow's entry will be much more plan/food related.  My cousin Holley (one of my fave ppl ever), really gave me some encouraging words today.  I love how much she believes in me.  I'm really taking it to heart.  Until tomorrow, my friends.

~Jen

Ah yes, full on vacation mode.  I’m here at work, fighting it, and diving right into my routine.  But uh oh….routine interrupted (and I hate that, lol…wonder where Cal gets it from….),Lady just played on Pandora.  I’ve heard this song a bijillion times, but when I heard it just now, it really made me think of my friends.  I’ve always loved the Little River Band and any other cheesy 70’s band,
like Bread, right now Stephen Bishop is on, and I’ve got it cranked, anyway, I
love it all, just short of Muskrat Love or Seasons in the Sun.  So, on the eve of vacation, I remember the first time this song was done karaoke. Amy and I were with a couple of other people at Lindo Mexico (ah, the good ‘ol days….) and trying to figure out what to sing (well, for her to sing anyway).  This is way back before we even all had our fake names.  Long time before I was Gwen, Amy was Sheryl, Erin was Angelina, etc.  Anyway, I saw LRB on there, and was
like, Oh yeah!  And much to my surprise Amy was totally game to sing it. 
I can remember who we were with, but I’m not positive I’m remembering one
of the girls names right.  But anyway, those two girls were chatting away, and Amy and I were left to our own devices.  Now, I can’t tell you if there was 100 ppl at Lindo that night, or it was just the four of us.  But I remember Amy getting up to sing Lady and to that date, it was the greatest song ever.  Now, if
you’re reading this, you’ve probably been out with me and seen my horrible
attempts at dancing.  I’ve never met my father, but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t black.  (Ah, Just the Way You Are is on now…love this one, too).  Anyhoo, I remember Amy was out there in the middle of the floor singing w/ nobody out there, so I went out to dance, by myself, to Lady.  Now, Lady is the greatest song, but it’s the furthest thing from a dance song that you’ll ever hear.  I just remember trying to dance, and it probably looked something like when Whitefeather gets shit faced and is out there dancing by herself at the Brigg, or one of my Native dances when I was a kid.  I think I probably had the arms out like I was flying and was twirling around.  My friends and I have had a million different karaoke experiences, but that was one of my favorite two karaoke moments.  The other, came some probably 10 years later or so.  It was a couple of years ago at our 20 year reunion.  Tammi and Kirsten (Alan Rooney’s g/f), and I ended up at the Elks.  I think they were trying to close the bar, but didn’t want to throw our drunken asses out. Alan and Eric Werner were with us, too. Anyway, I told the girls we needed to sing Lady.  They were all excited, and we went up there to sing we all had our microphones and then the music started.  I immediately started“singing,” as did the girls.  But apparently the girls thought we were going to sing Lady by Kenny Rogers.  They were singing
the wrong song.  Totally golden.  I loved it.  We had a blast!  Anyway, Lady has become my standard song. I’ve sang it with most of my good friends.  Leave it to me to pick the gayest song on earth to have it be my theme song.  But hey, when have I ever cared about that stuff anyway?  I may be super insecure about a lot of things, but when it comes to my sexuality or how ppl might perceive me, I feel good about myself.  I am who I am, and I’m a Lady.  LMAO. On second thought, it is pretty gay; maybe I should change my karaoke song to Don’t Cha by the Pussy Cat Dolls.  That’s more appropriate, right?

Hope you all have a great day,
Much Love,
Gwen….


Look
around you, look up here
Take time to make time, make time to be there

Look around, be a part
Feel for the winter, but don't have a cold heart


And I love you best
You're not like the rest
You're there when I need
you
You're there when I need
I'm gonna need you

A long time ago I
had a lady to love
She made me think of things I never thought of
Now
she's gone and I'm on my own
A love song has come into my mind
A love
song, it was there all the time
[ Lyrics from:
http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/l/little_river_band/lady.html
]

So lady, let me take a look at you now
You're there on the dance floor,
making me want you somehow
Oh lady, I think it's only fair I should say to
you
Don't be thinkin' that I don't want you, 'cause maybe I do

Look
around, come to me
I have no answers, but know where I wanna be
I look
around, play a part
I was born in the winter and cooled by a warm heart


And I love you best
You're not like the rest
You're there when I need
you
You're there when I need
I'm gonna need you

So lady, let me
take a look at you now
You're there on the dance floor, making me want you
somehow
Oh lady, I think it's only fair I should say to you
Don't be
thinkin' that I don't want you, 'cause maybe I do
Don't be thinkin' that I
don't want you, lady I do

I think I’m in trouble this week.  It’s only Tues, and I’m totally in vacation mode already.  My mind certainly isn’t on work, although I still manage to get done what I need to get done.  Just further proof that any monkey can do this job.  I am only here for another hour or so, as we have our co. golf outing today.  Can’t bitch about getting paid to drink free beer, play free gold, and have 2 meals free, right?  I don’t know who I’m golfing with, yet, though.  Good Lord, I hope our foursome has as foul of a mouth as me, as I have a full on temper when it comes to golf.  You see, I expect to be good at it, even though I rarely play.  And I’ve never been good.  I’ve always sucked.  In fact, I can’t even remember the last time I golfed.  I used to golf with Jody every year during Randy’s golf thing, but it’s been forever.  I golfed w/ Amy a while back at this tourney that was centered around the NWACC (our former college association).  But I don’t know that one really counts.  I had one of the worst hangovers of my life that morning….I think it was the night after a Def Leppard (I don’t really like them, but for some reason always end up at their shows) and Bryan Adams concert.  I just remember that Dracy and I got rip roaring drunk….And then I had to get up and early the next morning, w/ Amy, who was staying at my house.  And good Lord, she’s a morning person.  But she always is careful around me hangovers, haha.  Anyway, the only thing I remember about golfing that morning, was I spent almost the whole time trying not to puke on the golf course.  Oh, and I remember we were golfing w/ some father/son combo, who I heard making some comment when we ordered Bloody Mary’s that morning.  F. them.  Lmao.  It’s funny how I can hold onto things like that.  Probably not healthy.

But I must say that I am looking forward to today.  I really enjoy a lot of the
people that work here.  Only one of the guys from our maint crew is golfing, though.  Bummer, this is a good bunch of guys.  Plus, I know I’d have the
cleanest mouth out of the bunch.  My boss has been telling me about last year, though, and how much her group drank.  It’s supposed to be a nice day, so I’ll have to watch myself.  Free beer and me never mix well….  Add that to my social anxieties (if I’m golfing w/ ppl I don’t know, or don’t know that well) and being in the sun.  Probably not a good mix.  Well, maybe I’ll be golfing w/ some of our suppliers.  That would be fine, too.  I give the orders, so f ‘em if I act like a tool and have a temper.  Haha.  But I will have to be careful not to break the clubs.  Lord knows I can’t afford to replace them.

Things have continued to be super busy at work and at home.  Time really has been flying.  I’ll admit I haven’t taken much time to sit back and smell the roses lately.  I need to work on that this week, though.  Cal gets really worked up about me leaving. So, I need to make sure we all have a good week together. 
It’ll be easy since my freaking cycle finally started slowing down a little bit today. F….  

I guess I should get back to work….  Anyway, I heard “Her Town, Too” this morning by James Taylor.  It’s one of my favorite songs by him.  I love the perspective.  And the lyrics are all too true.  We’ve seen it happen with our friends when they divorce, separate or what. When those terrible things
happen, you wish and hope that everything will stay the same between friendships and what not.  But unfortunately, a lot of time it doesn’t work that way.  It’s so awkward.  Only James can make it sound like a sweet song.

Have a great day. BTW.  It’s probably not good, that I already have the “beer shits.”  I’ve had them all morning (stupid period).  Nobody likes the beer shits. 
Esp. when it starts before you even start drinking.

She's been afraid to go out
She's afraid of the
knock on her door
There's always a shade of a doubt
She can never be
sure
Who comes to call
Maybe the friend of a friend of a friend
Anyone
at all
Anything but nothing again
It used to be her town
It used to be
her town, too
It used to be her town
It used to be her town, too
Seems
like even her old girlfriends
Might be talking her down
She's got her name
on the grapevine
Running up and down
The telephone line
Talking
'bout
Someone said, someone said
Something 'bout, something else

Someone might have said about her
She always figured that
they were her
friends
But maybe they can live without her
It used to be her town

It used to
be her town, too
It used to be her town
It used to be her town, too

Well, people gotten used to
seeing them both together
But now he's gone
and life goes on
Nothing lasts forever, oh no
She gets the house and the
garden
He gets the boys in the band
Some of them his friends
Some of
them her friends
Some of them understand
Lord knows that this is
just a
small town city
Yes, and everyone can see you fall
It's got nothing to do
with pity
I just wanted to give you a call
It used to be your town
It
used to be my town, too
You never know 'till it all falls down
Somebody
loves you
Somebody loves you
Darling, somebody still loves you
I can
still remember
When it used to be her town, too
It used to be your
town
It used to be my town,
too

Happy period?  WTF?  I've known that Aunt Flow was knocking at my door for several days.  But I never know....when she'll hit.  I was really hoping it'd come along, as the thought of camping next weekend on my period was an absolutely terrifying thought.  So, when she arrived this morning, I was pretty happy.  Yep.  A smile came to my face.  Plus, a relief in knowing that two or three days from now, I'll start to feel better. 

As usual, Aunt Flow leaves me pretty drained.  But thankfully, today for the first time in quite a while, we had absolutely nowhere to be.  Yet another reason I'm glad she hit today.  And you know what?  It's been a fantastic day!  Brian and I had a great morning.  We then both got some cleaning done.  The terrible scratches on my legs (from hiking a couple weeks ago) had finally healed enough that I was able to shave the forest growing on my legs.  We got to spend some time w/ the boys.  All this, and I had plenty of time to start a new book.  I'm reading, "The Host."  What a fantastic book.  I'm so glad the Hunger Games series really opened me up to this sci-fi type stuff.  I love finding something new like this.  I think I may have to read this series I've heard a thing or two about next.  I believe it's called, Twilight :)  So, even w/ the strong cramps and bleeding of today, I must say this is my favorite day in quite some time.  It really is.

Another higlight of the day, was a phone call from my friend Gerry.  We've been playing phone tag forever.  You may remember that G is my friend that was in the terrible mountain biking accident that nearly took his life the day after Christmas.  It's simply amazing everything that he's gone through, and the determination that keeps leading him forward.  For three days the Dr.'s didn't think he'd survive, then didn't think he'd move, nor walk, etc.  Now, G can do some walking and is able to use his left hand.  It's a very long road to recovery that he's on.  His days are incredibly long and rehab based.  But he has such a positive attitude and is so thankful to be alive.  The Dr.'s are confident that he'll be able to get a lot of his movement back in a year and a half or so.  He has to work so very hard for every little thing, though.  Once again, thinking of him, puts so much into perpective for me.  I competely take forgranted the fact that I have a well working body, despite being obese.  I trash my body, while someone I love works so hard for all that I take forgranted.  I really have been on a tear lately with my horrible eating habits and inactivity.  I know it's self sabotage.  My subconscience has won again, I fear.  I wanted to be in shape for this vacation on Friday.  I wanted to feel good about myself.  Well, my actions were in exact opposite of what I wanted.  I've been feeling very bad about it.  So bad, that I've been feeling like I need to apologize to Amy for the physical shape that I will show up in.  I feel like an embarrassment.  But once again, I need to put it all in perspective.  After talking to G today, I feel so small even at the thought that I could let my weight ruin my thoughts on a trip.  I have to have faith that the people that love me are going to love me no matter how fat my face, and rest of body.  It's a joke to even waste any time thinking about it anymore.  I'm going to enjoy the hell out of this trip.  I'm going to enjoy this wonderful life that God has allowed me.  A life that I never have thought I'm deserving of.  Time to pull myself up by the boot straps, and do what I can to make sure that I enjoy every second of this ride called life.  G rocks the hell out of this life.  It's not easy for him, but he feels so blessed to be alive.  I will work on not taking my own life for granted.  This life has given me so much...things I never thought I'd have....love, children, and amazing friends....  Ramble, ramble, ramble...I'm just feeling so grateful for all that I have.  And for the millionth time, I'm telling myself to start treating my body as my temple.  To act like food is gasoline to my car.  To run good a car needs gasoline.  If you put shit in there, the car runs like shit.  Just like when I put shit in my body, my body/mind run like shit.

Fuck.  I can get off on a tangent like nobody's business.  Anyway, back to my great day.  I rarely watch t.v. anymore, but I think I might indulge in a little Kardashian's tonight.  haha.  Hopefully I can get Brian to watch it with me.  It shouldn't be too hard.  He acts like he hates it, but if he leaves the room, he'll have me pause it :)

Hope you all are having a wonderful, safe weekend.

Jen

I used to never think there was such a thing as too quiet.  Now....it's just that.  I have an hour and a half to myself, and I'm going crazy.  If I were smart, I would've chosen to go for a walk, instead of getting caught up on Words.  But alas, we all know I don't prioritize correctly.  In all, today has been a really good day full of friends.  I had a couple of really great chats with 2 of my closest friends, and I rec'd a really nice, unexpected call from Le Ann.  It was so good to catch up with her!  I love those good friend days.  The days where your friends just kind of carry you through the day, making you laugh all the while.

Today I had a mtg w/ Cal's staff at school.  I'm really excited about this new school for him.  The staff really seems to know what they are talking about.  It's such a refreshing relief.  Cal is excited to start school tomorrow, also.  I know he's ready to get into a routine.  This summer has been kind of crazy!  Ryne also starts tomorrow (Middle School!), but he's not at all looking forward to going and starting at a new school.  At least he should know some kids.  There are 40 kids on his 6th Grade football team.  I love that football starts before the school year.  It'll be such a great help to his transition.  Even more so this year, than last.  He seems to enjoy football a lot more this year.  I'm really hoping for big things for both of the boys this year.  If they love it, and we feel it's a real positive, it'll be so tough to leave here....  So, I know we'll end up having to suck it up and stay out here.

Speaking of staying out here....  I'm certainly liking it much more out here now, than I ever have.  I've finally got a couple of friends, which helps.  But I also like the little town we are in.  I do wish it were bigger, though.  But it's so much better than where we were.  I'm really hoping we can buy some POS boat next summer, too.  A summer on the river, would make all the difference.  Being on the water is absolutely my favorite thing.  I miss NK's boat, "Lulu."  And of course, I miss Wrangell.  You didn't even have to be on a boat there.  It's so pretty from every direction.  As long as you don't mind sitting on the rocks, you can take that beauty and serenity in anywhere.  I really wish you all could experience it. 

I must admit that my diet has been shit again this week.  No excuse for it.  It just sucks.  It's so nice that I sabotage myself right before my trip.  What a dumb fuck.

Anyway, a new really great  friend sent me the YouTube video for this Gotye song the other day.  It really does have great lyrics.  I'm sure some of you can relate.  It's hard for me to listen to songs about depression, though.  If I'm not in it.  I love to live in denial that it'll never hit me again, and I brought it on myself and won't allow that to happen again, blah, blah, blah.  But fuck.  It's there sometimes, and I absolutely know that when I'm in a funk, noboby can pull me out of it.  It has to come from me, somehow.  And maybe that's what this song is about for me, saving myself.  And the same goes for my new good friend who shared it with me.  She's proud of taking care of herself.  Hope you like it.  And btw.  MOFO.  Gotye is not someone I'd normally find hot, but damn, there's something about that artsy mother fucker.  I've got as list to make before next Friday, and sob, he might make the f'ing thing.  Oh, I'll catch hell for that one!

"Save Me"
In the mornings
I was anxious
It's better just to 
stay in bed
Didn't want to fail myself again

Running through all the 
options
And the endings
Were rolling out in front of me
But I couldn't 
choose a thread to begin

And I could not love
'Cause I could not love 
myself
Never good enough, no
That was all I'd tell myself
And I was not
  well
But I could not help myself
I was giving up on living

In the 
morning
You were leaving
Travelling south again
And you said you were 
not unprepared

And all the dead ends
And disappointments
Were 
fading from your memory
Ready for that lonely life to end

And you gave 
me love
When I could not love myself
And you made me turn
From the way 
I saw myself
And you're patient, love
And you help me help myself
And 
you save me
And you save me
Yeah you save me
In the mornings I was anxious It's better just to stay in  bed
Didn't want to fail myself again
Running through all the options
 And the endings Were rolling out in front of me
But I couldn't choose a thre
 

Yeah, it feels like a Monday.  Everything about it.  You know, when you don’t want to get out of bed and wished you had the day off. Driving into work, my mind decided to fuck with me a little too much.  Getting to work didn’t help too
much.  At least it’s just plain grouchiness, and nothing more than that. I’m trying to right it, by going to that place in my head where I’m off all by myself somewhere.  It could be out at Pat’s Lake looking for the frogs; it might be where I’m off at some spa, with no cell phone, and just the smell of the outdoor hot springs.  Today I might go kayaking by myself on this river near our house.  Or, I could actually be with Nurse Kristy just hanging out of Gov’t Island.  She’s so easy to be around, that it’s almost like being by yourself.  NK is the definition of Easy Silence.  Hell, it’s Monday, maybe I’ll daydream about all of those places today.  I can already tell you I probably won’t get a ton of work done today :)  I need to make up for the fact that I worked entirely too hard last week.  Haha.  I can say that jokingly.  I know myself well enough to know that I’d never actually slack off if there was something important pending.  I will work hard on keeping my appt. with my daydreams today.  I brought in the “Jen’s Going Away Party” photo album that Kara made for each of us and showed it to my boss today.  It makes me smile.  I love that “Rio” ended up puking near the end of the evening, but was very adamant that it wasn’t caused by alcohol, as she “really didn’t drink that much.” There’s a picture of her drinking straight from a bottle of vodka in the album.  A few pages later, it shows her with her “puke bag.”  LOL.  Good times!  We all have that friend, the one that swears they didn't drink that much, so they don't understand how they got so hammered.  We've also all got a friend that you'd swore only took 2 sips of a drink, and they next think you know they're table dancing (just looking for that release), we've got the friends that get entirely too flirty when they go out, we all have the ones we know we'll spend part of our evening babysitting, and of course we all have the ones that are a little volatile, so you don't know if they're going to want to argue with you, be your bff, or end up crying talking abou their childhood.  Oh, or the ones that get so wasted they start telling you how pretty you are.  I love that one.  I don't believe it for a second, but it's always nice to hear :)  Whatever friend you're out with, you're thankful that they're in your life.  They aren't defined by the categories I just put them in, but you know they'll dabble in them for sure.  Good times.  Good friends.

This doesn’t happen often, but I’m kind of at a loss on what to write about today.  I don’t want to whine and bitch, so that takes out talking about my drive
in this morning.  LMAO. I’ll have to give this some thought and come back later.  This is an oxymoron, but I hope you all are having a great Monday.

~Jen

Oh, I heard this song the other day.  I’ve heard it a million times, but it’s funny how songs take on new meaning, based on what you’re going through in your life at that point in time.  It’d be interesting to hear
how you interpret the lyrics.


Santa
Monica by Everclear



I am still livin' with your ghost
Lonely and dreamin' of the west
coast
I don't wanna be your downtime
I don't wanna be your stupid game

With my big black boots and an old suitcase
I do believe I'll find myself a
new place
I don't wanna be the bad guy
I don't wanna do your sleepwalk
dance anymore
I just wanna see some palm trees
I will try and shake away
this disease
We can live beside the ocean
Leave the fire behind
Swim
out past the breakers
Watch the world die
We can live beside the ocean

Leave the fire behind
Swim out past the breakers
Watch the world die
I
am still dreamin' of your face
Hungry and hollow for all the things you took
away
I don't wanna be your good time
I don't wanna be your fallback crutch
anymore
Walk right out into a brand new day
Insane and risin' in my own
weird way
I don't wanna be the bad guy
I don't wanna do your sleepwalk
dance anymore
I just wanna feel some sunshine
I just wanna find some place
to be alone
Yeah watch the world die

I saw this yesterday on Facebook, and it really spoke volumes to me.  Would I love, love, love to have this body?  Fuck yeah.  Will I ever find myself doing what it takes to get this body?  Uh, no.  But I so appreciate it when you see people who are willing to put in what it takes to get this body, or any body they feel comfortable with.  One of my oldest friends, made a comment under this picture that she could never have a body like that, no matter what she put into it.  It made me sad to see that.  I'm sorry she saw that picture and thought that.  When I see her, I see a strong woman who has worked hard her whole life to have the amazing body she does.  She's never been able to see it, though.  But trust me, she's always in great shape.  When women see her, they want to be like her.  Hell, I want to be like her.  Anyway, I put this picture up here just to prove a point,  mostly to myself.  As much as I'd love the body I want to come easily.  It's not going to.  It takes some work.  But I guess if you're going to work at anything (and I do mean anything),  it should be on your own metal and physical self.  I don't use the word, "anything" lightly.  Taking care of ourselves should come before anything else.  I know so many ppl who do this.  At times I can admit, I've even thought of them as being selfish with their time.  What a cunt for ever thinking that.  We have one life....we have to love ourselves, before we can be our best selves for any other person on this earth.  I'm so blessed to have my head on straight (well, admittedly it's still a little crooked, but I'm working on it) today.  I need to take control of these days, where I actually feel in control of myself.  As the saying goes: do something today that your future self will thank you for.  I know...  I sound like a hypocrite writing this inspiring blog, when I've been unable to conquer my own demons.  But today is another day.  Today, I will live for me.  Plus, I'm in a really good mood.  Brian and I had an awesome night.  Trust me, I wish I could tell you about it.  Hell, I wish I could make it my facebook status, but a lady never tells!  Haha.  Good thing I'm not a lady.  I'm sure it'll come out after a couple of cocktails to some of you guys someday.

Oh, you have no idea how proud I am of figuring out how to copy this picture and put it on here.  lol

Happy Lord's Day,

Jen

What a week.....  Last Sun. I woke up inspired to do some hiking.  Brian's neck was bothering him, so he couldn't go, so I recruited Laura to show me the area.  I was so excited to try something new.  On my way over to pick her up, I got crazy ass tired.  The bad tired.  The tired where I have to fight to stay awake at the wheel.  It was the weirdest thing.  Anyway, I snapped out of it enough for us to enjoy a beautiful hike in an area I'd never been.  First we did the "touristy" hike and then went to another area and hiked up a dried creek bed.  It was crazy.  Reminded me of the old surveying of the logging roads back when I was in college.  It felt so good.  Dare I say, I almost felt athletic.  It was really a neat experience.  After our hike we went to some out of the way Cajun place, which is supposed to be legendary (Cajun Connection).  It was positively fantastic.  I did good and bad in my eating.  I didn't eat near what I wanted to, but I didn't eat great.  I also passed on the dessert, only taking 2 bites of Laura's homemade pecan pie.  It was out of this world.  It was a long day, but a good day.  Anyway, after I got home the fatigue set in again, and I did everthing I could to fight it off.  I took the boys to the park, then did some juicing and cleaning.  My mind was going nuts, though.  I was obsessing over the craziest things and it was starting to ruin my wonderful day.  I couldn't understand it.  That's when I realized I'd forgotten to take my meds.  It was too late, though.  My mind was running a million miles an hour.  I can't blame it all on the meds, though.  Early in the morning the fatigue had set in and some of the anxieties, too.  Even before I would've taken the meds.
I woke up on Monday, totally craving sugar.  But the first thing I did was my weigh in.  I'd only lost 2 oz that week.  I was really epecting 2 lbs.   My mind was on a tear.  It wouldn't stop.  I was upset about the weigh in, but that was just a part of it....anxiety had taken a strong hold.  I worked hard to combat it, though.    I passed on the homeade desserts (which are almost a daily staple in our kitchen at work), and worked hard to eat right.  Work was crazy busy, as my boss was out for the week.  I felt bad about having to leave a little early for a follow up appt for my eyes.  I was not looking forward to the nearly 5 hours round trip it was going to be, esp at $4 a gallon.  I drank some green juice on the way, in an attempt to still fight my mind off.  As I got closer to the appt., anxiety hit me hard.  It was in my mind, chest, all through out my body.  I got to the appt, and I was still reeling.  My eyes are doing good, except they are still terribly dry.  I asked the surgeon about the puffiness under my eyes (I hate, hate, hate it....ages me by 20 years), and I was told that the only way I could get rid of it was with surgery.  That's not what I needed to hear.  I'd been trying everything, and was hoping the Dr. would have some magic answer for me....  I left the appt. still in a panic and it was getting worse by the min.  That's when I stopped at some fast food joint and went to town.  It was so gross.  For the most part, I'd done good the past 2 weeks.  Now, here I was in epic failure.  I continued through the evening.
I wish I could say that the anxiety got better, but it was really one hell of a week.  Depression even set in to a certain extent.  I was so very tired all week.  I was out of it, and I knew it.  I knew my mind wasn't working right.  It's a horrible feeling to know that you're not right, and you want to see out of it, but you can't.  So, that's why you didn't hear from me this week.  It's been a tough one in a million ways.  I tried to fight it, and I also gave into it.  I just wanted it to pass.  Yesterday, instead of going out for beer after work, I came home and slept for a couple of hours (for the second time this week).  When I woke up, I'm happy to say I could feel the heavy blanket (which is what it feels like to me), slowly being lifted off my body.  I was able to enjoy time with my hubby and kids.  Since then, slowly but surely I feel myself coming back to life.  Thank God....really, thank God....  I hate what happens to me sometimes.  Really, truly hate it....  Thank goodness I hadn't seen it in a while.  And hopefully it'll be a while before I see it again.  I'd been feeling good for so long, that I was really serious about trying to get off the meds.  If I've learned anything, it's that I'm not near ready enough for that, yet.  Even yesterday, I found myself counting each step I took.  I thought, wtf...why am I doing this?  That's when it hit me, I hadn't taken my meds, yet.  I'm so good about taking them all the time, that it's really funny, that when I start going through whatever I'm going through, it's the first thing I forget.
Enough about all of that.  Today Ryne has his first football game here in Byron.  He's so excited.  He's much more excited about playing this year than he was last.  He's also improved a ton since the start of the season.  They really have some great coaches here.

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend full of peace and love,

Jen

Well, I kinda blew what was shaping up to be a fantastic day eating wise yesterday.  I decided to go out after work for a couple of beers.  Lots of ppl showed up, and we had a great time.  Unfortunately, my on going issue of not finding the middle ground, continued on its destructive path.  I drank too much and too long.  I ended up eating a Filet o' Fish meal from McDonald's.  So, what should've just been a couple beers after work turned into us all going out to a co-workers house for fireworks.  He had $1700 worth of fireworks and they were letting them off one right after another.  Let me tell you something: fireworks and drinking don't seem to match.  One gal set off a Roman candle toward one of the guys, who was right in front of the open garage (with all of the fireworks).  Plus, it is super, super dry here.  It was crazy, juivenille fun, and I hope everyone stayed safe.  I was the first to leave (and got home after 11).  They were getting after it.

The day after....  I didn't have a bad hangover or anything, but I did wake up at 5, as usual and couldn't go back to sleep until after 7.  Once I woke up again, I just lay there in bed for a couple of hours.  I was so drained.  Thankfully, Brian had made plans with the boys to take them into Rockford for haircuts and lunch.  So, it got me moving.  We ended up having a really great family day.  We took the boys to Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch (their fave place).  It's a hard place to eat smart, but I did the best I could.  I had a black bean burger w/ the veggie boat (carrots and celery), along with a Diet Coke.  I have to tell you, I've been starving all day.  That's another drawback of drinking.  It really does screw up my entire next day.  After lunch, we took the boys to the mall, got their haircuts and walked around to check things out.  While we were in the mall, a huge storm passed through, taking out the electricity.  It wasn't too long before the emergency lights came on, but it was freaky.  We were having a great time tooling around in the mall, but then Brian got called into work.  He wasn't actually "on-call" but b/c of the storm there were problems all over the place.  So, we had to cut our day short, so Brian could go into work.  We definitely look at the bright side, though.  Overtime is our friend.  But it's after 10, and he's still not home :(

I was able to take an hour nap or so this evening.  Oh, did it feel good.  After that, I went grocery shopping.  After I quickly put everything away, I made myself go for a walk.  I'm happy with my speed.  It really seems to be improving.  But everytime I've walked, I've ended up doing part of it in the pitch black.  I walk in this park that's only a 6 min walk from the house.  It's a pretty park, and 3/4 of it is lined by small forest area.  In one narrow spot, with trees on both side, there are bats, though.  Freaky.  So, every night I've walked, I've been the last one out there (so, I'm by myself), and I'm walking through bats.  I've really got to get my walks started earlier.  I am proud of myself for doing it, though.  The walk was much needed. I needed to have a tiny bit of discipline to my day.

Looking forward to Sunday!  Hope you're all having a good weekend.

Food:
9:00  Kind bar (almond and coconut) and a 7Up
11:00  Banana
12:45  Black bean burger w/ pepper jack, carrots and celery along w/ fat free ranch, Diet Coke
5:00  3 small hard cookies
9:00  Chex w/ soy milk and a banana

Exercise:
Walk 1 hour and 10 mins

Man, it felt good to get some decent sleep last night.  It sucks that I was dumb
and went to bed way too late (f’ing Olympics consume me), but at least I didn’t
wake up too much last night.  Speaking of the Olympics: I’m obsessed with those male swimmers.  I’ll be damned if their bodies aren’t pure perfection.  I love that they’re tall, have those awesome broad shoulders, and the abs that go straight up to their necks.  I swear the Men’s relay team could be 4/5 of my list. 
Love it.

Every morning on my way to work, once I hit this long stretch of road, I crank up: Settle Down by No Doubt.  I mentioned this earlier, but it is my theme song for weight loss. I freaking love everything about No Doubt.   I know not everyone loves them as much as me, but if you ever want some exercise inspiration check out the live DVD from the Rock Steady tour.  Gwen is amazing!  You’ve got to love a girl that drops and does pushups right in the middle of a song.  I’m not sure that I’ve ever mentioned this on here (although I probably have 100x), but I met her once.  A friend won a radio contest and took me to meet her before a show.  I’d seen that concert earlier in the year when she was in Denver.  Amy and I had front row tickets.  As always, amazing, energetic show (but in no way compares to a No Doubt show.  Not as big a fan of her solo stuff).  Anyway, I was so pumped up to meet her.  I was just sure that she and I would meet and there would be this confusing electricity between us.  I just knew that we’d both have to question our sexuality after meeting face to face.   She was cool as hell, and I totally dominated the Meet & Greet, talking to her the whole time.  After our picture was taken, I swear to God, when her hand came off my shoulder it brushed my ass.  She must’ve felt it, but unfortunately no such sparks for me.  Haha.  I remember she looked so damn tired.  I honestly felt sorry for her.  MOFO. I can’t even have a normal girl crush. I have to turn it into a maternal thing, wanting to take care of her.  Lol  Anyway, that’s my Gwen story, although, it’s not much of a story.  However, I do use the name, Gwen when I go out w/ my friends. I use it for karaoke, and with anyone we meet that night.  She’s my much cooler, alter ego. 
So, if you haven’t heard Settle Down yet, you should check it out.  Good stuff.

I’m ashamed to say that I’m on my second soda of the day.  I’ve just been so damnedtired.  Hopefully I’ll get that going in the right direction this weekend.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll actually be able to sleep in. One can hope, anyway.

I may be able to write more later.  Hope you all are having a fantastic Friday. 
I’m feeling awesome!

Much love,

Gwen

Food:
6:30  Smoothie (water, flax seed, spinach, banana, blueberries)
7:45  Diet Coke and a Cliff bar
12:00  Foot long veggie sandwich on wheat w/ almost all the different types of
veggies, extra spinach, and added avocado
1:45  Orange
2:15  20 oz. Diet Coke