I woke up on Monday, totally craving sugar. But the first thing I did was my weigh in. I'd only lost 2 oz that week. I was really epecting 2 lbs. My mind was on a tear. It wouldn't stop. I was upset about the weigh in, but that was just a part of it....anxiety had taken a strong hold. I worked hard to combat it, though. I passed on the homeade desserts (which are almost a daily staple in our kitchen at work), and worked hard to eat right. Work was crazy busy, as my boss was out for the week. I felt bad about having to leave a little early for a follow up appt for my eyes. I was not looking forward to the nearly 5 hours round trip it was going to be, esp at $4 a gallon. I drank some green juice on the way, in an attempt to still fight my mind off. As I got closer to the appt., anxiety hit me hard. It was in my mind, chest, all through out my body. I got to the appt, and I was still reeling. My eyes are doing good, except they are still terribly dry. I asked the surgeon about the puffiness under my eyes (I hate, hate, hate it....ages me by 20 years), and I was told that the only way I could get rid of it was with surgery. That's not what I needed to hear. I'd been trying everything, and was hoping the Dr. would have some magic answer for me.... I left the appt. still in a panic and it was getting worse by the min. That's when I stopped at some fast food joint and went to town. It was so gross. For the most part, I'd done good the past 2 weeks. Now, here I was in epic failure. I continued through the evening.
I wish I could say that the anxiety got better, but it was really one hell of a week. Depression even set in to a certain extent. I was so very tired all week. I was out of it, and I knew it. I knew my mind wasn't working right. It's a horrible feeling to know that you're not right, and you want to see out of it, but you can't. So, that's why you didn't hear from me this week. It's been a tough one in a million ways. I tried to fight it, and I also gave into it. I just wanted it to pass. Yesterday, instead of going out for beer after work, I came home and slept for a couple of hours (for the second time this week). When I woke up, I'm happy to say I could feel the heavy blanket (which is what it feels like to me), slowly being lifted off my body. I was able to enjoy time with my hubby and kids. Since then, slowly but surely I feel myself coming back to life. Thank God....really, thank God.... I hate what happens to me sometimes. Really, truly hate it.... Thank goodness I hadn't seen it in a while. And hopefully it'll be a while before I see it again. I'd been feeling good for so long, that I was really serious about trying to get off the meds. If I've learned anything, it's that I'm not near ready enough for that, yet. Even yesterday, I found myself counting each step I took. I thought, wtf...why am I doing this? That's when it hit me, I hadn't taken my meds, yet. I'm so good about taking them all the time, that it's really funny, that when I start going through whatever I'm going through, it's the first thing I forget.
Enough about all of that. Today Ryne has his first football game here in Byron. He's so excited. He's much more excited about playing this year than he was last. He's also improved a ton since the start of the season. They really have some great coaches here.
Wishing you all a wonderful weekend full of peace and love,