I told the boys it was going to be a low key Christmas this year, as they are both taking a band trip to Disneyworld in a few months. It’s not an inexpensive trip, but Ryne went two years ago and had the time of his life. I’m so glad that Caleb moved past his fears and agreed to go this year, as it will be so great to have Ryne there with him for this trip. Ryne and his friends really do watch out for Cal, and, okay, that writing is for another time, I’ll just get emotional. Of course, nothing really changed about this Christmas. Anyway, Ryne gave me zero direction on what to get him – seriously, didn’t tell me one thing (thankfully he and Brian are bff’s and Brian told me what to get). The only thing Caleb asked for was the game, Cards Against Humanity, and Santa very begrudgingly got it for him. Caleb also did tell me, to lay off the clothes. He didn’t want any. I guess part of the charm of Christmas morning is the surprise of it all. Won’t he be surprised when 90% of what we got him was clothes? Ha…once he gets past the disappointment of opening apparel after apparel, he was realize that he really will like all of it. There is Danica gear, Vikings stuff, Under Armor, blah, blah, blah (we are far from name brand people, but they are teenagers and I know it’s a big deal)…He also got an Atari t-shirt to go with the Atari he got (you know, the one Mom really wanted 😉I joke about it all, but it will be a fun morning. We have tons of Christmas/Eve traditions. I think, to all of us, that is the traditions are the best part of it all. Brian is even off of work both days of it, which is not always the case – so we are pumped.
Life continues to be super busy, with physical therapy, therapeutic massage, etc. thrown in there. I’m truly luck to have the physical therapist I do. She is a caring individual, who always gives of her extra time, in an effort to get me where I need to be. I’m also beyond blessed to have the massage therapist I do. She does not take new clients, but as a favor to someone – she took me on. I know this is going to be huge in my recovery. There has been a lot of work put forth this past month, since my last evaluation. So, when my eval the other day, didn’t go all that well – there was definite disappointment. I did gain some range on motion in a couple of areas, but none in the rotation of my neck….or another area I was hoping for. I went backward in one area, but I know that’s because I sit at a desk all day in front of computer screens. I tighten up, plus…honestly, I think I might be carrying stress in my shoulders. I remained the same in everything that had to do with strength. Zero improvement…. I took the eval hard, because I have been working so hard to get better. I gave myself a day to give into the fear and frustration of it all, but have since gotten back to it. Yesterday, I pushed myself the hardest I have. I’m mofo sore today, but I will do the same thing today. At the request of the p/t, I will see the surgeon again next month, but I have mixed emotions of it. I plan to just work my ass off and see what happens. I pray I’m at a place where I can cancel that appointment.
I know the holidays can be a hard time for so many people, for varying reasons. In all honesty, I’ve had a rough run these last weeks. I don’t know how much of it has to do with the holidays, but I don’t think that helps in one way. I have been anxiety’s bitch, and the depression train backed up, until it knew it had a hold of me. I know, for the most part, what it stems from, and I have been in complete defiance of it all. Not this time….no, no, no….I don’t want this, get the fuck away…. I have given my all to hold it all at bay, but for the most part, I have been unsuccessful. And you do have to trust me on this….I work hard against it. I think of the positives of every day and try to be a good person, to myself and others. I had been very much looking forward to this four day weekend, when Friday came and it was not a good day, despite my best efforts. I went to be really early, convinced I was fucked…but thank God for new days. I woke up yesterday, and I was a million times better than just the day before. As a family, we had a really wonderful day – and my head that never stops – slowed down and enjoyed the roses in it all. I thank God, that today, is also good. I have every faith the next days will be as well. I’m hoping that the thief of joy that has been visiting lately has left to only return for only brief moments and leave just that soon (I would wish for it to always be gone, but at some point, you have to own it and work with what you have). If you are facing some sadness today, I pray for the same for you. All we can do, is continue to work hard and never lose sight of how beautiful life is. – How blessed we are that we have this opportunity to be the person we are or work toward the person we want to be.
I guess, I should clean that kitchen before the boys all get up, so they have time to mess it up again. I do love that few minutes of looking at a clean room, though. The morning remains quiet, with the exception of my typing fingers, Jesse and her sleeping breaths next to me, and some Christmas song I’ve never heard, but is lovely. It’s probably being sung by the biggest band in the universe right now, and I would have no idea who that is. In my mind, I still know all things music. I mailed off some mixed CDs for my baby sister yesterday (for her birthday), so we will keep the fact that I’m no longer all that hip to ourselves. We wouldn’t want to disappoint her 😊 Oh- but you can fully trust me on song below.
Merry Christmas my dear friends. Should you need to reach out to anyway, I’m always here.