Good morning! My sleep schedule has been permanently altered since Caleb began 2x practices. I had been awake for a while this morning, when lying still, so Jesse wouldn’t know I’d awaken. I thought…this might be the morning I get back to sleep. In the still of the quiet, my stomach started growling, which to Jesse meant – it’s party time. She really is the best dog. If I would’ve been firm with her, she would have laid back down. Still, there were things to do, so we got up and I started wrapping at 4:30 A.M. for the second day in a row. It really has been a lovely couple of hours, though. I just might be the world’s worst morning person, but when the house is still, and everyone is home sleeping, it is my favorite time to get things done. The Christmas music has been going, the Christmas trees are lit, and a candle is going in the background. Seriously, if it weren’t considered unacceptable behavior, I’d pour a glass of wine and consider it the best morning ever.

I told the boys it was going to be a low key Christmas this year, as they are both taking a band trip to Disneyworld in a few months. It’s not an inexpensive trip, but Ryne went two years ago and had the time of his life. I’m so glad that Caleb moved past his fears and agreed to go this year, as it will be so great to have Ryne there with him for this trip. Ryne and his friends really do watch out for Cal, and, okay, that writing is for another time, I’ll just get emotional. Of course, nothing really changed about this Christmas. Anyway, Ryne gave me zero direction on what to get him – seriously, didn’t tell me one thing (thankfully he and Brian are bff’s and Brian told me what to get). The only thing Caleb asked for was the game, Cards Against Humanity, and Santa very begrudgingly got it for him. Caleb also did tell me, to lay off the clothes. He didn’t want any. I guess part of the charm of Christmas morning is the surprise of it all. Won’t he be surprised when 90% of what we got him was clothes? Ha…once he gets past the disappointment of opening apparel after apparel, he was realize that he really will like all of it. There is Danica gear, Vikings stuff, Under Armor, blah, blah, blah (we are far from name brand people, but they are teenagers and I know it’s a big deal)…He also got an Atari t-shirt to go with the Atari he got (you know, the one Mom really wanted 😉I joke about it all, but it will be a fun morning. We have tons of Christmas/Eve traditions. I think, to all of us, that is the traditions are the best part of it all. Brian is even off of work both days of it, which is not always the case – so we are pumped.

Life continues to be super busy, with physical therapy, therapeutic massage, etc. thrown in there. I’m truly luck to have the physical therapist I do. She is a caring individual, who always gives of her extra time, in an effort to get me where I need to be. I’m also beyond blessed to have the massage therapist I do. She does not take new clients, but as a favor to someone – she took me on. I know this is going to be huge in my recovery. There has been a lot of work put forth this past month, since my last evaluation. So, when my eval the other day, didn’t go all that well – there was definite disappointment. I did gain some range on motion in a couple of areas, but none in the rotation of my neck….or another area I was hoping for. I went backward in one area, but I know that’s because I sit at a desk all day in front of computer screens. I tighten up, plus…honestly, I think I might be carrying stress in my shoulders. I remained the same in everything that had to do with strength. Zero improvement…. I took the eval hard, because I have been working so hard to get better. I gave myself a day to give into the fear and frustration of it all, but have since gotten back to it. Yesterday, I pushed myself the hardest I have. I’m mofo sore today, but I will do the same thing today. At the request of the p/t, I will see the surgeon again next month, but I have mixed emotions of it. I plan to just work my ass off and see what happens. I pray I’m at a place where I can cancel that appointment.

I know the holidays can be a hard time for so many people, for varying reasons. In all honesty, I’ve had a rough run these last weeks. I don’t know how much of it has to do with the holidays, but I don’t think that helps in one way. I have been anxiety’s bitch, and the depression train backed up, until it knew it had a hold of me. I know, for the most part, what it stems from, and I have been in complete defiance of it all. Not this time….no, no, no….I don’t want this, get the fuck away…. I have given my all to hold it all at bay, but for the most part, I have been unsuccessful. And you do have to trust me on this….I work hard against it. I think of the positives of every day and try to be a good person, to myself and others. I had been very much looking forward to this four day weekend, when Friday came and it was not a good day, despite my best efforts. I went to be really early, convinced I was fucked…but thank God for new days. I woke up yesterday, and I was a million times better than just the day before. As a family, we had a really wonderful day – and my head that never stops – slowed down and enjoyed the roses in it all. I thank God, that today, is also good. I have every faith the next days will be as well. I’m hoping that the thief of joy that has been visiting lately has left to only return for only brief moments and leave just that soon (I would wish for it to always be gone, but at some point, you have to own it and work with what you have). If you are facing some sadness today, I pray for the same for you. All we can do, is continue to work hard and never lose sight of how beautiful life is. – How blessed we are that we have this opportunity to be the person we are or work toward the person we want to be.

I guess, I should clean that kitchen before the boys all get up, so they have time to mess it up again. I do love that few minutes of looking at a clean room, though. The morning remains quiet, with the exception of my typing fingers, Jesse and her sleeping breaths next to me, and some Christmas song I’ve never heard, but is lovely. It’s probably being sung by the biggest band in the universe right now, and I would have no idea who that is. In my mind, I still know all things music. I mailed off some mixed CDs for my baby sister yesterday (for her birthday), so we will keep the fact that I’m no longer all that hip to ourselves. We wouldn’t want to disappoint her 😊  Oh- but you can fully trust me on song below.

Merry Christmas my dear friends. Should you need to reach out to anyway, I’m always here.

~Jen
 

Happy Friday! There are only 5 more alarm clocks until the four day weekend. I’ve counted down all week, just trying to get through this work week. It helps :)

Are you all done with your shopping? Because we live thousands of miles from most of the people we love….. I’m always forced to shop a little early. I need time to get everything boxed up and shipped out, so it arrives on time. I spent nearly the whole day last Sunday, wrapping and boxing. Seriously, there are 28 people on my Christmas list. We both come from big families, so the number has gotten a little out of hand over the years, plus I have a couple of friends I love to buy for. It can all be overwhelming, but for the most part, I really do enjoy shopping for their gifts. There are a few things that make my heart smile, thinking of how those gifts might make that person feel. I truly do love Christmas, and I try to be in the spirit, but it really is so hard being so far from everyone. There are always some blue moments, but they don’t last long, as Brian, myself and the boys, do have each other. That’s what matters most.

Life has been unbelievably busy lately, as I’m sure it has been with you, too. It’s just that time of year. In addition to the craziness, my job duties are changing. It was the strangest thing….I had a review (just the time of year they do them – as I have only really been here 4 months) the day before I went to Florida. It went really, really well. The day I returned from Florida, we were all pulled into a meeting by our boss, saying we were all now going to report to someone else, and our job duties are changing. It seem nuts to me that we weren’t all told of this during our review or the new manager wasn’t brought in, but I guess everyone has their way of doing things. I guess we all get paid the same amount of money in a day, despite what we do. When having a desk job gets to me too much, I look at a little sticky note that says how much I make in a day. I’m there to provide for my family, and not because I’m fulfilled by what I do. Maybe one day that will change, but for now, I’m happy to have a job that contributes to keeping a roof over our head. I also do work with some pretty cool people, and am lucky enough to have found my little tribe. I do still miss my old coworkers a ton, though. I still hear from some of the guys, and it always make me happy. One of them recently reached out to tell me he got engaged, and how he did it. I’m over the moon for them, and feel blessed that he thought to tell me.

In addition to work, Caleb has two swim meets a week. He is so into it, and I couldn’t love it more for him. He also has two-a-day practices, which means super early drop offs in the morning and pickups from practice at night. I have physical therapy 2x week and now therapeutic massage once a week, so thank God Ryne can drive – because I wouldn’t be able to do many of the therapies without his help. Oh, and I have head shrink therapy, often once a week. You’d think with all of this attention, I would be Wonder Woman by now, right? Ha…. It has all been a frustrating ride, but as promised, I really had it kicked up a notch this week. I’m really hoping I start to see some results. It sure would be nice to be able to raise my arms past my shoulders or turn my neck more. With the change in p/t and adding the massage, I really think I’ll start to see improvement in just a few weeks.

I’ve still got anxiety, but some days aren’t as bad as last week. I’m heading in the right direction, and hoping it will soon be a thing of the past. I’m way over-eating, although there had been some better days in there, and I’ve been drinking shit tons of water. I’ll always wish I could handle things better, but I think I’m am improving in how I deal with some of it.

I hope you have a wonderful week and are able to enjoy the moment of it all – instead of feeling all of the pressure of obligations, finances, etc. We just have to keep reminding ourselves of what it is all about. Remember, to take care of yourself first. You’re worth it.

~Jen

December 8th. How in the hell did that happen? Seriously….I guess being in Florida last weekend, where it was in the upper 80’s certainly didn’t help my perception of the season. It has been a bit of a mother fucker of a winter here already (and technically, I don’t think it’s winter yet). We had a crazy ass snow storm here a few weeks, and we got 13 ½” at my house in about 24 hours. Yay for Midwest living… Thankfully, it was short lived and now it’s just cold. Real cold.

I’ve had a crazy amount of anxiety in recent weeks. I’ll feel it in my stomach or find myself just shoving food in my mouth, as if that will stop it. Sometimes I’ll know what’s causing it, while at others – it is nothing in particular. It hits me the worst while at work. I stare at computer screens all day, and there’s just too much opportunity for my mind to wander. Today, has been a really busy day, and a good one, but it’s with me today – as if to tease me – anxiety be like, we own you bitch. I was asleep by 8 last night (waiting for the day when my old night owl self comes back), and had decent enough sleep (for me) and was awake about 4:30 this morning. I can’t bitch about that, given my bedtime. I laid there for a while and Brian woke up, so we had some time together before I got up about 6 to clean and make pancakes for the boys. Cal had a meet today, so he had an early start. I got my hair colored this morning, ran errands, and got my first therapeutic massage since the surgery. I then shopped at my favorite store, and picked up the biggest salt lamp ever, before getting Christmas shopping done at a dept store. There should be no time or room for anxiety, but still….it’s there. I work with it and do my best not to let it control me. I guess doing our best, is all of us can really do…

So, doing my best is all relative I guess. Mentally, I work hard to beat it, but physically I have been a mess. It all ties together, I’m sure. I’ve been eating like shit, so it makes sense that I’m having these issues. It’s like a snowball rolling downhill. Anxiety, then eat like shit, which feeds the anxiety, and then I eat more shit. You know… I have been starting my days off good with a smoothie, but it’s “downhill” from there. I need to fix it. I hate the way I feel. I hate that I had to buy more pants that fit today. I hate the way I look. It all feeds off each other, but the good news is, I have the power to fix it. Tomorrow, right?

While I was talking myself into going on the Florida trip, I thought, I was going to do some traveling this year, and my health wasn’t going to stop me as it had stopped me from so many other things I wanted to do. I then realized that I had been to Washington, Alaska, Colorado, and now Florida in 2018, so although I was never stoked about any of them beforehand, I still did them – and was glad for different ways for each of them. So, I am proud of myself for not giving into how shitty I’ve felt this year, all of the time, anyway. I am exceptionally grateful for Nurse Kristy talking me into this Florida trip. The trip was a definite setback this week, with my body, but mentally it was huge. She and I have been friends since we were freshman in college. I’ve always referred to her as the easiest friend I’ve ever had. We can go for months without talking, but it’s always as if no time has passed when we do see each other. It wasn’t long after we were in the car when she picked me up, that we were knee deep in deep conversation. She said, “I’m going to be one of your new best friends before this trip is over.” I thought about her comment, and realized she is one of my best friends. I feel like I failed as a friend, that she didn’t know that going in. I really try to make those closest to me, know how loved they are. I’ve been caught up in myself and my own shit, that I have taken some of those relationships for granted. Another close friend actually called me out on my distance, in recent months. Wake-up call, received. I really am going to work on being a better person for the people I love and who love me.
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The trip was truly lovely. NK spoiled me rotten. She owns the condo, she rented a car and hauled me to all sorts of cool places and had friends who took us boating. I’d never seen the Gulf of Mexico and it was such a nice feeling to wade through those waters. We ate fancy foods, drank and drank…and drank. We started Sunday morning off with 3 ½ hours of bottomless mimosas and bloody Mary’s. Yeah, and then we were afraid to quit drinking, so we kept on. I’m proud of myself for keeping up as much as I did both days but do feel bad that I had to crash out early on her both nights. She’s totally understanding and cool about it, though. With all of the neat things we did, my favorite times were just us, sitting in the condo, having drinks, listening to music (she even brought one of my CDs I’d made her years ago), and having great, real, conversation. Seeing her made me homesick, even though we weren’t even home. I mean, if I lived there, we could go see Bob Seger together! Man, I miss having my concert friends.

While having my teeth cleaned the other day, the dental hygienist made mention of stubborn stains. She asked if I’d been drinking more coffee. I told her I didn’t drink coffee, she then said, tea? I said, “No, wine, it’s been a rough year.” She laughed and said, she has the same problem, but didn’t have the kind of year I did. It was kind of surreal, as the last time I’d been in wasn’t too long after the potassium thing and now post cervical fusion. She asked a lot of questions again about the potassium stuff and the surgery. I hate that, that is a focus of conversation. I hate that I let it be. I’ve let is own too much of me. I’m working hard in p/t to get stronger, but  we still don’t do anything with weight. I definitely feel like I should be much further along by now and am frustrated with myself. I keep hearing it takes time, but I think I’m somehow holding myself back. I feel like I’ve been pushing but have been cautious…scared about a lot of things. I really think I need to dig deeper this week. It’s the promise I have to myself and to you. What’s the worst that can happen, right?...

So, I realized the other day that I never came back and told you that the reason I pissed myself that day (remember…at work….full on piss that I couldn’t stop and had to dry out under a hand dryer in between people from working going in the restroom) was from my fucked up nerves. It wasn’t Diet Coke -although that is still the devil. The surgeon couldn’t believe I didn’t have more issues than I did. -I was never far from a bathroom. I’m still that awkward as fuck girl that does something like that. I’m also the same awkward AF girl that when told a woman at work is deaf, thought it was a different woman. Seriously…every time I talked to this woman, I would talk slowly and made great care to make eye contact and couldn’t understand why she didn’t make better eye contact – until the real deaf woman had a conversation with me after a couple of months of me making a fool of myself. I’ve been thinking lately about just how different I am…how I’m the one who is always going to say something that requires foot in mouth….but I am me. NK helped me ease up on myself and realize that I am someone who is worth loving, despite all of the reasons I beat myself up. I am not perfect, but I am worthy of love. I’m forever grateful to her (and therapy) for helping in this journey of learning my worth. I pray that you don’t have these same issues I have, but if you do, know that I am there for you, if you need to talk anything out.

I’m about to start dinner, and pour a glass of wine. Brian is going to build our first fire of the year. For now, both boys are under the same roof (hoping Ryne doesn’t ditch us soon). I’m really looking forward to being home with the family tonight and enjoying our warm home – with Jesse under foot. Cheers to a wonderful Saturday night for you as well, whatever that may mean in your world. Treat yourself with kindness and love.
Cool video below:
I’m going down. Follow if you want
I won't just hang around
Like you'll show me where to go
I'm already out
A foolproof idea, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted

​Cheers,
Jen