December 8th. How in the hell did that happen? Seriously….I guess being in Florida last weekend, where it was in the upper 80’s certainly didn’t help my perception of the season. It has been a bit of a mother fucker of a winter here already (and technically, I don’t think it’s winter yet). We had a crazy ass snow storm here a few weeks, and we got 13 ½” at my house in about 24 hours. Yay for Midwest living… Thankfully, it was short lived and now it’s just cold. Real cold.
I’ve had a crazy amount of anxiety in recent weeks. I’ll feel it in my stomach or find myself just shoving food in my mouth, as if that will stop it. Sometimes I’ll know what’s causing it, while at others – it is nothing in particular. It hits me the worst while at work. I stare at computer screens all day, and there’s just too much opportunity for my mind to wander. Today, has been a really busy day, and a good one, but it’s with me today – as if to tease me – anxiety be like, we own you bitch. I was asleep by 8 last night (waiting for the day when my old night owl self comes back), and had decent enough sleep (for me) and was awake about 4:30 this morning. I can’t bitch about that, given my bedtime. I laid there for a while and Brian woke up, so we had some time together before I got up about 6 to clean and make pancakes for the boys. Cal had a meet today, so he had an early start. I got my hair colored this morning, ran errands, and got my first therapeutic massage since the surgery. I then shopped at my favorite store, and picked up the biggest salt lamp ever, before getting Christmas shopping done at a dept store. There should be no time or room for anxiety, but still….it’s there. I work with it and do my best not to let it control me. I guess doing our best, is all of us can really do…
So, doing my best is all relative I guess. Mentally, I work hard to beat it, but physically I have been a mess. It all ties together, I’m sure. I’ve been eating like shit, so it makes sense that I’m having these issues. It’s like a snowball rolling downhill. Anxiety, then eat like shit, which feeds the anxiety, and then I eat more shit. You know… I have been starting my days off good with a smoothie, but it’s “downhill” from there. I need to fix it. I hate the way I feel. I hate that I had to buy more pants that fit today. I hate the way I look. It all feeds off each other, but the good news is, I have the power to fix it. Tomorrow, right?
While I was talking myself into going on the Florida trip, I thought, I was going to do some traveling this year, and my health wasn’t going to stop me as it had stopped me from so many other things I wanted to do. I then realized that I had been to Washington, Alaska, Colorado, and now Florida in 2018, so although I was never stoked about any of them beforehand, I still did them – and was glad for different ways for each of them. So, I am proud of myself for not giving into how shitty I’ve felt this year, all of the time, anyway. I am exceptionally grateful for Nurse Kristy talking me into this Florida trip. The trip was a definite setback this week, with my body, but mentally it was huge. She and I have been friends since we were freshman in college. I’ve always referred to her as the easiest friend I’ve ever had. We can go for months without talking, but it’s always as if no time has passed when we do see each other. It wasn’t long after we were in the car when she picked me up, that we were knee deep in deep conversation. She said, “I’m going to be one of your new best friends before this trip is over.” I thought about her comment, and realized she is one of my best friends. I feel like I failed as a friend, that she didn’t know that going in. I really try to make those closest to me, know how loved they are. I’ve been caught up in myself and my own shit, that I have taken some of those relationships for granted. Another close friend actually called me out on my distance, in recent months. Wake-up call, received. I really am going to work on being a better person for the people I love and who love me.
The trip was truly lovely. NK spoiled me rotten. She owns the condo, she rented a car and hauled me to all sorts of cool places and had friends who took us boating. I’d never seen the Gulf of Mexico and it was such a nice feeling to wade through those waters. We ate fancy foods, drank and drank…and drank. We started Sunday morning off with 3 ½ hours of bottomless mimosas and bloody Mary’s. Yeah, and then we were afraid to quit drinking, so we kept on. I’m proud of myself for keeping up as much as I did both days but do feel bad that I had to crash out early on her both nights. She’s totally understanding and cool about it, though. With all of the neat things we did, my favorite times were just us, sitting in the condo, having drinks, listening to music (she even brought one of my CDs I’d made her years ago), and having great, real, conversation. Seeing her made me homesick, even though we weren’t even home. I mean, if I lived there, we could go see Bob Seger together! Man, I miss having my concert friends.
While having my teeth cleaned the other day, the dental hygienist made mention of stubborn stains. She asked if I’d been drinking more coffee. I told her I didn’t drink coffee, she then said, tea? I said, “No, wine, it’s been a rough year.” She laughed and said, she has the same problem, but didn’t have the kind of year I did. It was kind of surreal, as the last time I’d been in wasn’t too long after the potassium thing and now post cervical fusion. She asked a lot of questions again about the potassium stuff and the surgery. I hate that, that is a focus of conversation. I hate that I let it be. I’ve let is own too much of me. I’m working hard in p/t to get stronger, but we still don’t do anything with weight. I definitely feel like I should be much further along by now and am frustrated with myself. I keep hearing it takes time, but I think I’m somehow holding myself back. I feel like I’ve been pushing but have been cautious…scared about a lot of things. I really think I need to dig deeper this week. It’s the promise I have to myself and to you. What’s the worst that can happen, right?...
So, I realized the other day that I never came back and told you that the reason I pissed myself that day (remember…at work….full on piss that I couldn’t stop and had to dry out under a hand dryer in between people from working going in the restroom) was from my fucked up nerves. It wasn’t Diet Coke -although that is still the devil. The surgeon couldn’t believe I didn’t have more issues than I did. -I was never far from a bathroom. I’m still that awkward as fuck girl that does something like that. I’m also the same awkward AF girl that when told a woman at work is deaf, thought it was a different woman. Seriously…every time I talked to this woman, I would talk slowly and made great care to make eye contact and couldn’t understand why she didn’t make better eye contact – until the real deaf woman had a conversation with me after a couple of months of me making a fool of myself. I’ve been thinking lately about just how different I am…how I’m the one who is always going to say something that requires foot in mouth….but I am me. NK helped me ease up on myself and realize that I am someone who is worth loving, despite all of the reasons I beat myself up. I am not perfect, but I am worthy of love. I’m forever grateful to her (and therapy) for helping in this journey of learning my worth. I pray that you don’t have these same issues I have, but if you do, know that I am there for you, if you need to talk anything out.
I’m about to start dinner, and pour a glass of wine. Brian is going to build our first fire of the year. For now, both boys are under the same roof (hoping Ryne doesn’t ditch us soon). I’m really looking forward to being home with the family tonight and enjoying our warm home – with Jesse under foot. Cheers to a wonderful Saturday night for you as well, whatever that may mean in your world. Treat yourself with kindness and love.
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I’m going down. Follow if you want
I won't just hang around
Like you'll show me where to go
I'm already out
A foolproof idea, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted