So, today was not the greatest day at work...and I must admit that Friday wasn't either.  I left there, late, with a headache, and on my hour plus drive (now there's construction in 3 fucking places along my drive) Brian calls asking me to p/u a pizza on the way for the boys.  The "pizza place" is actually at a convenience store in the town that Brian works (town of 500).  So, I decided to walk across the street to the one bar, while they made the pizza.  I was hoping the 1 beer would take the edge of the day off a bit.  It's Brian's birthday, and I really didn't want to be moody for him.  Of course the beer didn't help, so when I got home, I had another one.  Brian was totally beat tonight, as he had to climb 3 towers today.  Have you seen those wind turbines?  That's a lot of climbing!  Anyhow, he wasn't up for much other than laying down and watching t.v.  So, I decided to relax myself with a bath.  I was still wound tight when I got out.  Now, here's where I think I started to make the wrong decisions and kill the nice, innocent buzz that was starting to begin.  I went from microbeer to Coors Light.  Now, normally I like the CL.  I've even been on the factory tour in Golden, CO.  But tonight, eh, not so smart.  It's like drinking water anymore.  So, CL in hand, I decided to do some juicing  Who doesn't do that while drinking?  (btw...I really hope the fact that I used zuccinni instead of cucumbers totally didn't fuck it up...but that's getting off base).  Juicing takes freaking forever...  I don't especially like doing it, but I really like the end product.  So, during the hour it took me to juice and clean up, etc.  I probably drank more CL than I realized.  However, I felt no buzz, whatsoever.  I then decided to do laundry and do heavy cleaning.  WTF?  Sit down, and enjoy the warmth of the beer, Jen, you've had a shitty day!  I cleaned so hard, that I was sweating.  You know how that goes.  So, I was like damn!  I've ruined my buzz!  But, I turned around and and did more cleaning along with some more drinking.  Finally, I was satisfied with everything, and did what I'd wanted to do all night.  I sat down, cracked open a beer and started to play, Words.  It quickly became obvious to me, that I had been sorely mistaken in thinking that the drinking didn't have an effect on me.  I knew I was looped.  I was none too happy.  I like a nice little buzz.  I do not like to be drunk.  What control freak does?  Anyway, I decide to chill out and just finish playing before going to bed.  I had Sirius Radio on in the background, and this song that I really love came on, and guess wtf happened.  I started to cry!  For fucks sakes.  I don't think a song has ever made me cry in my life!  And for the love of God, I've heard this song a million times.  Why now?  I can blame it on the beer, and I'll blame it on my stupid period.  But really what it comes down to, is I think I've turned into a huge pussy in my old age.  Who would've thought?  I certainly never would've.  Of course, everyone had been asleep for hours, so it's not like the family saw me like this, but geez.  Enough is enough.  So, while I might not have killed the buzz, as initially thought.  I did learn some lessons tonight.  I know what you're thinking...how about not drinking so much?  I can honestly tell you,  I haven't really considered that tonight.  What I take away from the night, is to not waste a buzz on being a cleaning nazzi.  And I certainly shouldn't spend a nice little buzz juicing.  I need to sit my fat ass down, like a normal person and unwind.  So, the next time I drink, no doubt will be within the next seven days, I'll also take into consideration to stick to the micros.  I know my limits with those.  I don't lose count.  They don't go down like water. 

Am I rambling tonight?  I've no idea why :)  I feel bad that Brian had to work his ass off today and couldn't enjoy his day.  I'm glad that we decided to celebrate yesterday.  And since I was with him all weekend, I couldn't grab his gift.  I ran up to Walmart today, to get him a couple of books that he wants (one of which is on the NYT Best Sellers list-his "girlfriend" Rachel Maddow).  Walmart had the smallest book dept. I've ever seen.  It's so sad.  Gone are the days of the book.  My favorite gift to buy for people, are books.  I love to read books.  The thought of reading them off of something electronic quite frankly gets to every fiber of my being.  But.... that's the way everything is headed.  I've even thought about it.  I spend so much on books.   Plus, stupid
Amazon is now taking forever to ship stuff.  I ordered some books last week and rec'd them within a few days.  I won't receive these for 7-10 days.  Sniff, sniff, this inc. the next installments of Fifty Shades.  When I recently bought a gift for someone off of Amazon, it also took about 10 days or so to get there.  I'm not a conspiracy theorist...but maybe there's something behind this.  J/K.  I'm really not smart enough to be a conspiracy theorist. 

I know this has been the worst blog entry every.  So, I do apologize.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.  Oh, I ate like crap today. 

Jen

Hello there!  I'm so happy to be typing this from Brian's work laptop and not having to rush it at work.  We finally decided that we are going to breakdown and have to buy a laptop for the house.  I really, really don't feel good about spending that kind of money, but these days have a computer at home really is a necessity.  This is important to me, Ryne needs one for school research sometimes, Brian's job hunt, blah, blah, blah.  I do wish I had a clue about computers, but I don't.  Everyone suggests going with a Mac, but I honestly wouldn't know where to start with one, and without looking, I'm sure it's out of the budget we'd set aside for a computer.  So, without using my own computer for so long, I hadn't checked the stats on this site in quite some time.  I was honestly expecting them to be next to nothing.  I haven't been doing my part by doing this every day, as I had in the past.  And, it feels that my emotions have been so strange lately, that I can't imagine anyone would be interested in my ramblings of any given day.  So, having said that, I don't know who reads this.  Are there people out there that I don't know?  Is it friends of mine?   I know a few who read regularly, but that's it.  But I guess if you have read this before and continue to read, I must not offend you too much.  In my life, I'm always worried about offending people, crossing lines, people not liking me, pleasing people, but I'd say this is the one place that I call mine.  It's for me.  It's therapy for me, and hopefully it will lead me to a life of better health somehow, and hopefully some of you to.  Anyway, I thank you for being here for me, and for Amy.  I know you guys appreciate the hard work she puts into how she treats her body.  She does, as we all should: she treats her body like a temple.  She's also, without exception, the busiest person I've ever known.  So, she's not able to commit to a set schedule on here, but she will still have additions from time to time.  So, continue to check out her blog, too.

So, Aunt Flow arrived yesterday.  I was so happy that she arrived, without that miserable week of baggage that's she's been throwing at me in recent months.  I had some "normal" pms'ing, which is such a welcome change.  Especially after what she did to me last month.  I pray to God that never happens again.  This time, I really did put up a fight.  I drank lots of green juice, tried to keep my mind healthy, and tried not to punish myself in the usual manners. 

Even though she arrived yesterday mid morning (due to uncorking no doubt :), we went out had an awesome day.  We spent the day in Davenport, in celebration of Brian's birthday weekend (it's actually tomorrow).  We all had lunch at Red Robin and then we did a little shopping.  We had to get the boys some baseball gear, and then we went sandle shopping for Brian.  Brian's Grandmother had sent him some money, and it came with such a nice freedom for Brian to feel good about buying something for himself.  He spent nearly all of it on the sandles (probably more than I've ever spent on a pair of shoes), and he is so happy with them.  How cool.  He works so hard.  It's so great, that he was able to treat himself like that.  Afterward, we hit Target (Oh, how I miss Target), and then the boys all got haircuts.  For the drive home, we all got an ice cream (I know, I know....)  But it was a fantastic day.

Not long after we got home, Aunt Flow decided to rein down her terror on me.  I can say, without hesitation, this is the hardest I've ever been hit, as far as flow goes.  It's so bad, that it's left me totally drained.  I actually slept about 10 hours last night.  Unbelievable.  And then, I spent a good part of the day in bed.  I'm so thankful this has happened on a Sun.  I can't imagine being at work while going through this.  I know tomorrow will be lighter, though.  Just trying to make it through the day.

What this heavy flow has bought me, is time to myself.  I've chosen to spend that time reading, Fifty Shades of Grey.  I'd heard a little bit about the craze surrounding this book, but not too much.  I bought it for a friend for her bday, and she told me she'd heard it was like porn via book.  I'll tell you what, she wasn't far off.  I've never read erotica before, but this book must be similar to what erotica is.  Only this book, is classified as a "Love Tale," so it's been able to get streamlined in the general audiences.  To this I say, Bravo.  What a great fucking book.  It's definitely taken me to places that I've never thought of. And I must confess, I think about sex, quite a bit.  So much so, that during parts of the book, I think, I could probably write something like this.   How about that?  Maybe I've missed my calling.  For now, I'll stick to being a professional f/m/k player. haha.  Anyway, I've finished the book, and now I've got to order the next 2 in this series.  I can't wait to see where it goes.

In thinking about what I was going to write about today, I knew it was going to have to be a little bit about this book, since that's what's occupied a lot of my weekend.  I'm also aware that Sunday's are usually the lowest readership of this blog, so it takes away some of the nervousness I have about writing about sex.  Now, sex has always been an issue for me in one sense or the other, ever since I was old enough to know what it was.  When I was younger (h.s.), it scared the crap out of me.  I thought of it as being something so "wrong."  My closest friend, at the time, when I was probably a Junior or Senior, told me I looked at sex like it was dirty, like it was something nobody should do.  She, well let's just say, she was a complete opposite of me in this way.  Now, it doesn't mean I didn't love to make out.  OMG....I did.  I did that way too much....esp. for someone who wasn't in a relationship for most of my h.s. years.  And I'm not saying I didn't have it, ever....but I did not want it in my life.  Maybe it was an excuse for not getting into too serious of relationships, I don't know.  In my heart, I've always been a total commitment phobe.  It's astounding that I married and married so young.  Anyway, I had two boyfriends during my h.s. years, and I didn't sleep with either of them (well, I did one later, while on Christmas vacation from college, but that was a year or two after we broke up).  I know it's the reason that one of those guys broke up with me (that I wouldn't put out).  And, when I did sleep with him (I'll never forget, my friend, same friend as I mentioned earlier in this story, and I were at my Mom's house, and we were playing cards, with naked men on them of course.  My friend was staying the night.  Anyway, he calls, and asks what I'm doing.  I tell him we're playing cards.  He asks if he can come pick me up and take me to his place.  I say, Okay, but then he says, I'm going to have my way with you, to which I said, good.)  What a bad girl  (hahaha, not really, I was so inexperienced that way).  Anyway, it was terrible.  I didn't enjoy myself in the least.  I wished we could just go back to using each other to make out with, while we weren't seenig anyone.  But after that, we were done.  Although, he did tell me once a year or so later, that he needed to make that night up to me, but I was already dating Brian.  My experience with him, again proved to me that sex just ruins things, and if I were going to have it with anyone, it would only be without commitment.  What a dumb fuck, huh?  Who thinks like that at that age?  Well, thank God, I met Brian not much later.  I wasn't looking for anything, and he certainly wasn't either.  It's by the Grace of God we found each other, I guess.  But let me tell you, sex still haunted me, even for years after being with him.  I was so cautious.  I was always the one not to drink in, "I've Never."  I still thought sex was wrong, deep down inside my soul.  Even when I would miscarry, I thought it was God punishing me, for being who I was.  All this rambling comes back to the point that hear I am all of these years later, writing freely, and openly about sex.  My friends and I talk about it all the time.  For most things, I no longer blush, and I no longer feel "shame" for any feelings I might have, or anything that happens between my hubby and I.  Yes, I've mentioned "shame" in many of my blog enteries, I'm sure.  It's my old therapists favorite word to describe all my hangups.  I don't know why I have/had "shame" with so many things in my life, but I'm getting so much better about not allowing it to control my emotions or my thoughts.  And yep, you know what, I loved every second of reading Fifty Shades of Grey.  I have nothing to apologize for.  I'm free from my hangups about sex.  I'm so sorry I had them to begin with.  I feel like I lost years of enjoying myself, utterly and completely.  It wasn't until even my late 20's that I really started to let go of things.  And now, at the ripe old age of 40, I embrace my sexuality, like I should've so many years ago.  And I'll tell you what, you've never seen a happier man in his marriage.  lol.  Well, that might be an overstatement.  But it has brought us so much closer together.  Holy shit.  Yep.  I've officially said way too much.  This may be the blog entry that makes me think tomorrow, you've totally lost it old lady.  Stop this site now.  But for now, I'm proud of myself for discussing a topic, that for most of my life I was unable to appreciate, or understand like my friends did.  Oh, and I wish I could say, the book had my turning Fifty Shades of Red, but that would be a lie, even though I think it would be a good line.  I can tell you that I related to one of the characters, who describes himself as Fifty Shades of Fucked Up.  Although, I've come so far these days, maybe I'm only 20 shades of fucked up. 

Hope you guys had a great weekend.

~Jen

I heard the song; I’m  Alright this morning, from Jo Dee Messina. I haven’t heard that song in forever. Love it. It’s been a day of blasting Pandora.  All of the managers are in an all-day meeting today. Everyone is so relaxed about here. It’s cool to see (not that they aren’t normally, but everyone just seems to be in a better mood).  I have the door to my office shut, so that I can blast my music, but also because they are cleaning some equipment out in the shop. So,
it’s a mixture of the smell of manure (we are in the Midwest…and burning).  Not a great smell.  I’ve been keeping myself busy with work today, but this is when I really want to yell out, Can Johnny come out to play?  You know how that is, when your mind is on everything but work?  I feel okay about my attitude today, as I got a great quote this morning, that’s going to save us a lot of money.  I feel like the rest of my day is justified. Makes sense, right :)  Really, I’d love to be playing f/m/k right now, or playing Words, or exchanging emails to help the day go by faster, but my usual suspects for such things are all crazy busy today with work.  Isn’t this grown up thing totally overrated? Come on, let’s play!

Yesterday turned out to be a great day. I really did well on my diet, and I even got in some exercise (it’s been added to yesterday’s blog).  I went on a wonderful walk.  The weather was just perfect.  I wish there were better places to walk in town, but I’ll take the good weather any day of the week.  When I walked back in the door after the walk, my phone was ringing, “My humps, my humps, my humps,” and every time I hear that ring, I am immediately happy. 
It’s my friend Kathy’s ringtone. She still has a copy of the lyrics from when that song first came out, and she had to show them to me. She really isn’t a fan of a lot of pop music, but for some reason she loved that song.  And in time, I  went from thinking it was the worst song of all time, to loving it just as  much. Anyway, it was a great conversation, and at one point, I might have laughed harder than I’ve ever laughed in my life.  Come to think of is, it’s a shock I didn’t piss myself. We were discussing getting laser hair removal in inappropriate spots, and thought maybe we should move the forum to our Facebook walls, and maybe put it to vote.  Good stuff right there.
 
Today has not been stellar, as far as my diet goes. Brian and I had to leave early this morning to drop off my Loser Cruiser to get worked on (Brian fell asleep early last night, so we couldn’t do it then).  And being the terrible morning person I am, I didn’t plan well enough and didn’t make my smoothie.  Once I f up breakfast, it usually leads to more poor decisions. That, and I’m p.m.s’ing like a mofo. But, my mood is good.  In spite of what I’ve eaten today, I know it’s better than it’s been the past month and a half.  
 
So, I’ve decided that I really need to plan to go on vacation.  I mean, the family
needs to plan, haha.  I know I just saw friends a couple of months ago, but it was so whirlwind, I need that good girl time.  I’ve got to start thinking of what we are going to do. I’m hoping we can somehow afford to go to WRG for the 4th. It would be especially awesome for the boys and Brian. They weren’t there a couple of years ago, when I went home for the reunion.  They love it up
there.  Or, I’d love to get over to Spokane and see my sisters (including my sister/friend Kathy). How about some of you come out here?  Chicago is very pretty in the  summer.  I can take you to a Cubs game J  I’m already trying
to bribe Amy with that one.  Oh  hell, maybe we don’t need a vacation, maybe we just need to move. Ugh.  Gotta quit thinking like a grown up.  Sure wish I liked it out here…. 
Hope this day is finding you all well.  I’ve been thinking about many of you
today, wondering if you’re enjoying being a Lawyer today, or if some of you are
overwhelmed by all that being a stay at home mom entails. I’m alright J  Miss
you.

~Jen
 
Food:
6:30 Can of Diet Coke
7:50 Oatmeal (1 pack plain, 1 apple cin. w/ water)
9:00  20 oz Diet Dr. Pepper…..
10:00  Banana
12:00  Footlong on flat bread, with egg whites, pepper jack cheese, spinach,
tomatoes, black olives
 12:45  Snickers….


Lyrics to I’m
Alright:

 Well it's been a long time glad to see your face
I knew we'd meet again another time another place
Can't believe it's been so many  years
You'd better grab a chair and a couple of beers
Lookin' good in your three piece suit
You know, I always knew you'd take the business route
You were always the one to follow the light and you look like you're doing
alright
Been singin' for my rent and singin' for my supper
I'm above the below and below the upper
I'm stuck in the middle where money gets tight
But I guess I'm doin' alright
I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
 It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright o -
oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright

Well we had a lot of dreams when we were younger
They thought we were crazy but we had the hunger
We kept a lot of friends, skipped a lot of class
Been on top of the world and knocked on our ass
We lost touch, we lost in love
We lost our minds when things got tough, but
Beatin' time is a losin' fight and I guess I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight
so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old  friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright
Well I guess I'm doin' alright

Well I hate to see this evening end
God only knows when
I'll see you again
Just send a fax or send me a letter or give me a call that would even be better
Give the kids a kiss for me and say hello to the family
And tell them all my future's lookin' bright
Well, I miss 'em but  I'm doin' alright
I said I miss 'em but I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm
doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with
me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright
Well I guess I'm doin' alright

I'm doin' alright

Sorry, my entries have been so inconsistent lately.  It’s hard without a  computer at home.  Sometimes Brian remembers to bring home his laptop, sometimes not.  And I don’t always have time to do this from work, but I’ll keep plugging along as allowed.

Well, Monday continued to be a really good day, all the way around.  A supplier had given me Cubs tix, and I gave them to Brian, so he could take Ryne. 
Oh, they had an absolute blast. The Cubs actually won, and in the bottom of the 9th with 2 outs, none the less. Cal and I stayed in town and had a date night. 
C wanted to go to the local diner….which I’m not a fan of, but he loves it.  After that, we went home, and I made some tomato bisque soup (my fave of all the vegan recipes). We then took Junior for a walk. After that, we played “Operation,” and thank God for failing batteries, it allowed Caleb to walk right through the game.  So, he felt good about it, and I didn’t have to put up with a tantrum. He’s come a long way with his game play, but his temper still comes out quite often. Part of it’s probably handed down from me, while most of it has to do with his Autism related issues.  I knew the other boys weren’t going to be home until really late, so I let Cal sleep with me.  When we were lying there, he was talking about some issues at school, and for the first time, Caleb mentioned that he had Autism.  I don’t recall him ever referring to himself as having it.  I wonder if another kid brought it up?….
 
So, that segued into my day full of stress yesterday.  At work, I was in an
all-day meeting, which gave me way too much time to think about some of his
school issues.  Anyway, I made some poor food choices.  The whole day wasn’t a total loss, as they had been recently, but it wasn’t nearly as good as it should’ve been.  My crankiness lasted the day (along w/ the P.M.S, which I’m sure didn’t help).  The night ended with Brian and me watching Biggest Loser. 
Was this the worst season ever, or what?  Ugh. Nearly unwatchable….  Thank
God for that body on Dolvette.  It still gives me a reason to stick with it.
 
I slept okay in parts, last night.  But I did get up today, wanting to make better choices than I did yesterday.  So far, so good.  My plan is to go to the club after
work, if Brian is going to get off early enough.  If not, I’ll do the treadmill at
home.  Working out is such a key ingredient to me having success.  I really don’t enjoy it, but it makes me think of how many calories I burned, as  opposed to what I’m putting in my mouth. I don’t want to waste them. I love it when I’m actually conscious about what goes into my body. There are sometimes when I feel like I’m in an eating competition with myself, and its total self-destruction. Thank God, I’m not there now.  One day at a time.  I’ve been overwhelmed with the gravity of my weight and health situation lately.  So, I just need to take it one step at a time, I guess.  All the while, trying not to be too hard on myself.
 
I hope this entry finds you well.  Miss you, my friends.
 
~Jen
 
Food:
 6:30  “Green” juice (same as Monday)
 7:45  90 cal. Oatmeal raisin granola bar (I need actual food to take my antibiotic in preparation for the Lasik.  I learned that the hard way), 20 oz. Diet Coke (took 2 ½ hours to drink)
 10:00 Banana
 11:45 Tomato Bisque soup (see recipe, although I used almonds  instead of cashews.  Can’t tell the difference.
4:45  Glass of Green juice
8:00  Bowl of Kashi cereal w/ soy milk 


Exercise:
Took Junior for 1/3 mile walk, then walked about 3 ½ miles

It’s Jen getting her sh!t together…..but I’ll go into that later.

So, we had a really good, productive weekend.  It all started after work on Friday.  I joined Anytime Fitness.  The club we belong to as a family is in the opposite direction of work.  I was really impressed with how clean and updated the Anytime was.  We get a killer deal through work, so I took a step toward taking myself back.  After getting that taken care of, I called Cookie. I’m not normally a phone person, but I hadn’t talked to her in a while, and wanted to make sure she was well.  I put in this blue tooth that attaches to my sun visor.  It actually works pretty well.  I figure with how much driving I do in a day, I’d finally become one of those ppl that drives me nuts (you know…those that are always on their blue tooth).  We talked the entire 1 hour drive.  It was so great to touch base with her.  And you know what, I’m not normally a phone person, but actually having the time to talk, makes a huge difference.  I’m now a lover of the blue tooth.

We got an early start on Sat.  I know that’s not what Brian had planned, but I was on a mission, so I drug the family out of the house, kicking and screaming.  We went in search of the illusive fridge/freezer combo that was seemingly impossible to find.  They sell super quickly out here.  We struck out, but we hit a sale on mattresses.  The boys needed them really badly.  Look, it skeebed me
out to buy used, but they are in fantastic shape. They are pillow top on both sides. Their mattresses blow mine and Brian’s out of the water! And for only $100 each.  I was/am pretty pumped.  The boys are so excited, too.  It was the first thing Caleb told the babysitter when she came on Sat. night. Later in the day, we were actually able get a fridge, too, for $50!  The one in our rental is a total p.o.s.  If you have a lot of food in there, the door won’t close right, or it pops open the freezer. We put the used one in the garage, as it’s too big for the house.  It was dirtier than sh!t, so I had Brian clean it out.  I have no problem cleaning our own stuff (as evidenced by my cleaning of the oven this  weekend), but I get completely freaked out at other ppl’s stuff. We’ve already put it to great use. Love it.  Totally made my  weekend!  Now, I actually have some room for fruits and veggies :)

Sat. night Brian and I went to a benefit for Brian’s boss, who is playing semi-pro football in Davenport, IA. We had a really great time. I think I had one too many mugs of BL, but at least it was literally only 1 too many. We also won the raffle!  We won a Walter Payton jersey (new one, not one of his actual jerseys). 
That was pretty exciting!


Yesterday did not turn out at all like I expected.  My mission was to buy a juicer.  The Vita Mix is awesome, but for all purpose juicing, it’s not the right tool. I’ve never owned a juicer before, so I needed to do quite a bit of research.  I started looking for this brand, Breville that Amy owns. I know she loves hers, so I figured I couldn’t go wrong there.  I found the model I wanted, and low and
behold it’s on backorder for 2-4 months….  Really?  MOFO. In more research, I found that is the brand they use in Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead.  If you haven’t seen that documentary, yet, you must check it out. It’s fantastic.  You get it off of Netflix Stream.  So, I researched other brands, went to a million websites, and finally went back to the Breville.  Nothing else had the reviews like that brand.  I was able to find a lesser model (which also saved me $50). They were overpriced on Amazon, with a lead time, but Bed, Bath, and Beyond is the sole retail carrier for the brand.  I was able to find one in DeKalb.  So, what was going to be a relaxing day (and Earth Day), had me driving 3 hours to pick up a juicer. Not very Earth Day like! With the purchase, I also rec’d the DVD of FS and Nearly Dead.  That was a nice bonus. Since I was in an actual city, I also did a ton of grocery shopping.  I bought all healthy, fresh stuff.  When I finally got home that night, I did my first “juicing.” It’s way cool.  It really is a waste of a lot of the fruits and veggies, though (which is the nice thing about the Vita
Mix, there’s 0.0 waste).  I made a nice green juice that they make in Crazy, Sexy, Diet. It’s also the one Amy is always talking about.  Not bad.  I drank it on the way to work this morning.

So….this morning, I got my fat ass up and went to the  gym!  I can’t tell you how huge that is for me.  I’m NOT a morning person. I didn’t give myself enough time to get done what I needed to do, but it felt fantastic. I spent 30 mins on  the Arc Trainer. It’s a newer machine, and I didn’t know how to set it right, so I didn’t burn nearly the calories, I would’ve. But I’ve got it figured out for the next time. Also, that’s 250 calories burned, instead of the 250 calories I would’ve drank in the morning, in a 20 oz. bottle of Pepsi. I’m really inspired to get on the right path. I’ve been working on the mental part all week long to get to this point. And I hope I’m there.  I need to be there. I’m inspired that Amy can do 37 pushups (which I expect to see the next time she sings Hella Good, during the interlude), and I’m inspired by Kathy, whom I’ve never known to work out, but has been doing P90X every day for a couple of months now.

So, my friends, wish me luck…. 
I’m basically starting at zero again.  For the past 6 weeks or so, I’ve  treated my body like a garbage compactor. Not cool.  Come along and join me.  Let’s do this together!

Much Love,
Jen



Food:
 5:15   Green Drink (Romaine, cucumbers, kale, broccoli, pears and ginger)  I forgot the lemon, but I’ll add that  next time
 8:00 Small banana
 8:45  Can Diet Coke (gotta wean myself off the caffeine and soda….)
 9:55  1 plain, 1 apple cin instant oatmeal w/  water
 12:30  French Vanilla black tea
1:15  Cauliflower Soup (see recipe) and soda water
3:10  Starting to crash and burn, while pms’ing like a mofo….  20 oz. Diet Coke,
and 90 cal Special K bar

 Exercise:
 30 mins on Arc Trainer (250 cals burned)

My boss has been home with her sick boys the past two  days.  Yesterday was super crazy.  Today, it’s really come in waves.  Just when I want to start a  project, in comes all sorts of new stuff to take care of. In this position, there’s quite a bit of ordering, but then I’m also  responsible for the receiving and putting away of orders.  I’ve never had those duties before (yes, I said, duty, snicker, snicker).  So, this is really a different type of purchasing position that I’ve ever had.  There are some aspects of it I like.  I’m a control freak, so naturally, I like knowing where my orders are from start to finish (each night I take all of the receiving to accounting).  On the other hand, I think…there could probably better uses for my time than some of this.  But, it’s a much smaller
co. than I'm used to working for.  All in all, I think I like it, though.  Just like with any job, when I have a moment to breathe, means I have time to think.  In between the craziness today my mind has been all over the place: maybe I should go visit a friend, then I go, no, you can’t afford that right now, to, maybe I should check out where some of my  favorite acts are going to be this summer, and go there, to wow, if all goes  well, I’ll be able to see next week w/out these ugly f’ing glasses, or contacts  pasting to my eyes, to I’d like to write a song, to in another life, I know I  married a song writer, and he played me music, while I lay with my head in his  lap and we were on the front porch swing….to, oh crap, I forgot to do this,  this, and that, busy, busy, busy, to I wonder if I like this job.  Haha! World’s longest, worst  sentence. Do you see how exhausting
it is to be me?  


I came into work real early this morning to finish up my  taxes.  (Oh, so there’s another thought process today, hope I didn’t screw that up, to I wonder how long it will take to get my returns, to I’m sending a card today, too, wonder when that will get there?)  So, I digress.  I’m really just happy we didn’t have to
pay this year.  And the plan for  the $, although it’s not much, is to not touch it for a long, long time.  Hope that’s a game we can  win!

So, the title “feast or famine” doesn’t just apply to  my job today.  It applies to my eating habits of late, too.  It seems like I’m just not eating at all, or I’m obsessed with shoveling just about anything into my mouth.  Okay, I
have a good joke there, but I’m sure you came up with your own.  I wish I could just slap the sh!t out of myself and correct my ways of  thinking (or conscious acts of sabotage). The really terrible thing is that I know better.  When I’m doing well (all the way around), I look back at me, and don’t recognize that person at all.  I don’t know how someone could do that,  purposefully to their body.  I’ve  just been super reckless lately, in a couple of ways, and I don’t know
why.

Oh yes, I almost forgot to mention…my boss is home with her sick kids, and the school called yesterday to tell me Cal was sick and needed to come home.  1) I’m an hour away, 2) Which would leave nobody in this dept, 3) I’ve only been here 5 or 6 weeks, and I probably shouldn’t be taking off like that. So, thank God, it was super freaking windy yesterday, and Brian was down tower and able to get my call. Most of the time, he is unreachable during the day. He was able to get Cal, and he’s stayed home with him today.  Phew….but then the guilt of the whole situation sneaks in….I should be there with him.  But one of these
days, I will realize, I can’t do it all. I mean, who’s kidding who, I can’t even do parts of it, let alone do it well.  I feel like my life is just a bunch of things done halfway, and that bugs the crap out of me. You know what I’m talking about….leaving the house to go to work, and the hubby and kids somehow managed to destroy it after I cleaned it last night….to knowing that Brian has to feed Junior, but he won’t bother to stick his epilepsy pills in anything, so Junior will eat around them. Even with me sticking them on pb bread, or in hot dogs, he sometimes gets around ‘em. The other ones he likes (they must taste like dog sh!t, if he likes them). I sometimes get the feeling Junior’s like an old cancer patient, acting like they’re taking their meds, so God will take them, and end the suffering. And other times I think, that dog still has the time of his life every day (even if it’s in much smaller doses).

Well, back to the grind.

Hope you’re having a great day.


 


~Jen

Well, the weight gain was .3 this week.   To be totally honest, I don’t know how in the world it wasn’t 10.3.  I’ve been eating every f’ing thing in  sight.  It’s not even like I’m enjoying the food, as I shovel it into my mouth.  I don’t know what my f’ing problem  is.  I know you’ve never heard this  from me, but I need to get my sh!t together (sarcasm detected?)  As I’m typing, I’m eating 3 chocolate chip cookies, which apparently came from McDonald’s.  There is so much junk food around this place….  I really don’t get why I’m so weak when it comes to food and exercise.  I know going back to work, has really thrown me off of my plan, but I  should’ve had it together by now.  Two of my closest friends are in the best shape of their lives (and they’re my age).  There’s no
excuse….  I’m so competitive.  How can I accept this?  I f’ing hate myself for it. 
I hate everything about the way I look and feel.  And you know what, I have the power to change it.  But what do I do?  Everything in my power to make myself look and feel worse.  This is totally on me.  I’m such a p_ssy.  I hate typing this
from work.  Somehow, cussing without all of the letters, takes away from my point.  Excuse me, I just had to pull a chocolate chip off of my boob.  I’m one of those sloppyfatties, eating away, while the food falls on me.  And another thing I’m completely ashamed of.  I’ve been drinking way too much.  It’s completely apparent that I can’t just go out for a drink after  work. It turns into many hours of  drinking. I know some of it, is my  addiction, and some of it is my loneliness for friends.  Even last night, it was really stormy, and after the kids went to bed, I lit a candle in my room, and put in the latest Twilight movie. 
(As I’ve mentioned before, I’m now a baseball widow, until Oct. rolls  around).  I decided to have a beer, while I watched the movie.  Of  course one turned into 4 (maybe 5, but I think 4).  At least it was BL, but it still knocked me on my a$$.  I had the time of my life watching that movie, listening to the storm,
  playing Words with Friends.  That  is until the movie ended, and then I started missing friends like crazy.  I don’t think I’ve ever thought of it  like this before last night, but my friends are like my family. I haven’t lived in the same city as any family member, since I left for  college 22 years ago.  I guess I  really grew a dependence on them.  My close friends, really are like my sisters. 
I sure talk to them more than my family and I talk.  Not that my family isn’t close knit.  We are, but we are also at a distance…maybe purposefully, who knows. So, I guess I’m admitting that I miss my“sisters.” Last year I decided that for my  40th, I was going to get myself Lasik.  I haven’t been able  to see without the aid of glasses or contacts since I was 16.  That kind of went out the window, when Brian did not turn in his FSA  paperwork in time. Oh, if you
could’ve heard that fight…. So, one of the big reasons I went back to work, was for the FSA.  I maxed it out at the 5k (only now it’s divided by 9 mos., b/c of when I started). I was going to reward myself for being in such great shape (I just knew I would have my sh!t together by my bday….) Anyway, my  consultation is on Wed. I should be  super excited, but I can’t even enjoy it. 
I just keep thinking, what good is fixing your eyes, if you can’t fix
anything else. Man, I’m a world class failure.
 
So, I’m writing here today, feeling like I haven’t really gotten anywhere since I started this blog. I truly thought I’d be some sort of inspiration.  Now, it’s just one more thing I’m failing at.  I really do want to do better, for me, and for us. 
Believe me, I want it more than anything.  Let’s hope for a big turnaround  soon.
 
As always, thanks for sticking with me. 
And again, if you need real inspiration, check out Amy’s blog.  She’s truly killing it right now (and I
hope she’s documenting it, so you can see how well she’s doing, and how it
should be done).



~Jen

Happy Weekend everyone!  I tell you what...this weekend couldn't come quick enough.  This has been quite a week.  My sleep schedule has been a total mess...  I don't remember it being this bad for quite some time.  Thurs. night I was just amped, and I don't know why.  I found myself cleaning late, and then when I finally wanted to go to bed, I ended up watching the Golden Girls until 11:30.  The next thing I knew, I woke up, thinking it was going to be around 5.  Oh, how I wish...it was 2:15.  I was wide f'ing awake.  I laid there for about 45 mins., before deciding to do some cleaning, and then I took a shower.  Of course, when I wanted to go back to bed, Junior decided he needed to go "potty."  Now, in his old age, Junior no longer just goes potty.  Our yard isn't fenced (they call fences neighbor haters out here), he wanders around, sometimes into the street, he eats his own crap.  He smells every single blade of grass, all the while completely ignoring the commands to come in.  The problem is, he usually does have to go potty on some level, but he takes his own sweet time getting there.  It's very frustrating.  Anyway, I probably got to sleep around 4:30, only to get up an hour later.  At least the alarm woke me up.  That hadn't happened in a while.

Needless to say, I was once again super tired yesterday morning.  So, I grabbed some Hardy's fast food (I think it's the same as Carl's Jr., just different name out here).  What a way to start the day...  I didn't have a second to myself all day.  It was a super busy, demanding day.  Also, there  was lots of physical work (cleaning, moving things) getting ready for a tour to come through the plant this weekend.  After work, my tired ass went out for drinks with a couple of coworkers.  I didn't get home until after 10.  Thank the Lord I got a little sleep last night.  I really, really needed it.  I woke up w/ a little hangover at around 6 and was up for a while, but later went back to sleep for another hour or so.  So damn refreshing.

This takes us today.  It has been just the kind of day I needed.  I haven't driven anywhere all day.  I've just been a great combination of completely being lazy and kicking ass on house cleaning.  Both of which I really needed.  I know the house really needed to be cleaned.  It's actually embarrassing how dirty it got this weekend.

So, I'm just about to put fresh bedding on in our room.  I think that's my favorite thing about cleaning.  I love cleaning bedding (I mean, who doesn't, but seriously, I freaking love it).  I'm about to crack open my first beer, and then Brian and I are settling in for a movie.  Good, good day.  The only thing that would've made it perfect, is if I did

Sorry, I didn’t get the blog done yesterday.  I did track my food, but frankly I was completely exhausted by the time I got home, and didn’t have the heart for
it. So, I’ll tell you about Monday evening. I decided to try to finish off some of the Easter wine (you know, the awesome $10 bottle from Costco).  I hadn’t eaten enough that day, I know that.  However, I had 2 glasses of wine, and  barely felt a thing.  I thought  that was so weird.  So, I decided to have that third glass.  And let me tell you, I know that’s typically one glass too many (esp. since I pour a decent amt).  The kids were asleep, Brian was out in the living room watching baseball (I feel I’ve lost him now until Oct).  And bam….that third glass hit me upside the head.  Out of nowhere, I was lit up like a Christmas tree.  I was trying to play “Words,” and I just remember it all kind of jumbling together.  So, from there, I just welcomed the upcoming, uh, state of sleep, that I’d soon be in. That’s one thing about alcohol. It does allow me some decent sleep. That’s a dangerous thing, since I have such sleeping issues.  Anyway, I’d woken up at 4:30 that morning, and everything hit me at once, and I passed out a little after 10.  The next time I woke up it was 12:30.  Thankfully,
I was able to get back to sleep, until 4, at least.

As I mentioned earlier, I was pretty beat  yesterday.  I had therapy after
work, which is never easy. Overall, it was an anxiety, filled day.  I did have a much needed conversation with a friend after therapy, though. Anyway, once I got home, I had visions of getting to bed early.  Of course, it never happened.  I went to bed a little after 10 or so.  I woke up early, and thought it would be around 4, when I went to look at the clock. It was 12:45. MOFO!  I was so p’d. 
I was wide awake.  I laid there until 2:30, when I got up to do some laundry and fill the Britta pitchers. I then tried to sleep on the couch, desperate for anything to work.  I maybe managed an hour, before getting up at 5:30.  Today, I seriously have black eyes.  My boss said, it looks like I’ve been in a bar fight. 
No matter what, I’ve got to get this sleeping thing down tonight.

My eating this week is worlds apart from how it has been the past few weeks.  I
honestly haven’t eaten enough, though. So, I found myself starving today, and am now eating a poor choice from Subway.

Did I mention how damn tired I am....so my goal is to be in bed by 9:30...this gives me 45 mins. 

TTYT  Hope all is well w/ you all.

Food:
 6:30  Smoothie (water, spinach, banana, blueberries), Can of Diet Coke
 8:30  90 Cal Raisin Granola Bar
11:00  After discovery of the black eyes, 20 oz. Diet Dr. Pepper, which I’ve now
been sipping on the past hour and a half.
12:30 Foot long flatbread, egg whites, pepper jack cheese, tomatoes, spinach black olives.
6:00  Took the fam to dinner....  Sauted Jumbo Cajun shrimp, w/ baked potato, w/ little butter and tbs of sour cream....crappy iceburg lettuce salad w/ some sort of shitty low fat dressing, sunflower seeds, tomatoes, and black olives.