So, Aunt Flow arrived yesterday. I was so happy that she arrived, without that miserable week of baggage that's she's been throwing at me in recent months. I had some "normal" pms'ing, which is such a welcome change. Especially after what she did to me last month. I pray to God that never happens again. This time, I really did put up a fight. I drank lots of green juice, tried to keep my mind healthy, and tried not to punish myself in the usual manners.
Even though she arrived yesterday mid morning (due to uncorking no doubt :), we went out had an awesome day. We spent the day in Davenport, in celebration of Brian's birthday weekend (it's actually tomorrow). We all had lunch at Red Robin and then we did a little shopping. We had to get the boys some baseball gear, and then we went sandle shopping for Brian. Brian's Grandmother had sent him some money, and it came with such a nice freedom for Brian to feel good about buying something for himself. He spent nearly all of it on the sandles (probably more than I've ever spent on a pair of shoes), and he is so happy with them. How cool. He works so hard. It's so great, that he was able to treat himself like that. Afterward, we hit Target (Oh, how I miss Target), and then the boys all got haircuts. For the drive home, we all got an ice cream (I know, I know....) But it was a fantastic day.
Not long after we got home, Aunt Flow decided to rein down her terror on me. I can say, without hesitation, this is the hardest I've ever been hit, as far as flow goes. It's so bad, that it's left me totally drained. I actually slept about 10 hours last night. Unbelievable. And then, I spent a good part of the day in bed. I'm so thankful this has happened on a Sun. I can't imagine being at work while going through this. I know tomorrow will be lighter, though. Just trying to make it through the day.
What this heavy flow has bought me, is time to myself. I've chosen to spend that time reading, Fifty Shades of Grey. I'd heard a little bit about the craze surrounding this book, but not too much. I bought it for a friend for her bday, and she told me she'd heard it was like porn via book. I'll tell you what, she wasn't far off. I've never read erotica before, but this book must be similar to what erotica is. Only this book, is classified as a "Love Tale," so it's been able to get streamlined in the general audiences. To this I say, Bravo. What a great fucking book. It's definitely taken me to places that I've never thought of. And I must confess, I think about sex, quite a bit. So much so, that during parts of the book, I think, I could probably write something like this. How about that? Maybe I've missed my calling. For now, I'll stick to being a professional f/m/k player. haha. Anyway, I've finished the book, and now I've got to order the next 2 in this series. I can't wait to see where it goes.
In thinking about what I was going to write about today, I knew it was going to have to be a little bit about this book, since that's what's occupied a lot of my weekend. I'm also aware that Sunday's are usually the lowest readership of this blog, so it takes away some of the nervousness I have about writing about sex. Now, sex has always been an issue for me in one sense or the other, ever since I was old enough to know what it was. When I was younger (h.s.), it scared the crap out of me. I thought of it as being something so "wrong." My closest friend, at the time, when I was probably a Junior or Senior, told me I looked at sex like it was dirty, like it was something nobody should do. She, well let's just say, she was a complete opposite of me in this way. Now, it doesn't mean I didn't love to make out. OMG....I did. I did that way too much....esp. for someone who wasn't in a relationship for most of my h.s. years. And I'm not saying I didn't have it, ever....but I did not want it in my life. Maybe it was an excuse for not getting into too serious of relationships, I don't know. In my heart, I've always been a total commitment phobe. It's astounding that I married and married so young. Anyway, I had two boyfriends during my h.s. years, and I didn't sleep with either of them (well, I did one later, while on Christmas vacation from college, but that was a year or two after we broke up). I know it's the reason that one of those guys broke up with me (that I wouldn't put out). And, when I did sleep with him (I'll never forget, my friend, same friend as I mentioned earlier in this story, and I were at my Mom's house, and we were playing cards, with naked men on them of course. My friend was staying the night. Anyway, he calls, and asks what I'm doing. I tell him we're playing cards. He asks if he can come pick me up and take me to his place. I say, Okay, but then he says, I'm going to have my way with you, to which I said, good.) What a bad girl (hahaha, not really, I was so inexperienced that way). Anyway, it was terrible. I didn't enjoy myself in the least. I wished we could just go back to using each other to make out with, while we weren't seenig anyone. But after that, we were done. Although, he did tell me once a year or so later, that he needed to make that night up to me, but I was already dating Brian. My experience with him, again proved to me that sex just ruins things, and if I were going to have it with anyone, it would only be without commitment. What a dumb fuck, huh? Who thinks like that at that age? Well, thank God, I met Brian not much later. I wasn't looking for anything, and he certainly wasn't either. It's by the Grace of God we found each other, I guess. But let me tell you, sex still haunted me, even for years after being with him. I was so cautious. I was always the one not to drink in, "I've Never." I still thought sex was wrong, deep down inside my soul. Even when I would miscarry, I thought it was God punishing me, for being who I was. All this rambling comes back to the point that hear I am all of these years later, writing freely, and openly about sex. My friends and I talk about it all the time. For most things, I no longer blush, and I no longer feel "shame" for any feelings I might have, or anything that happens between my hubby and I. Yes, I've mentioned "shame" in many of my blog enteries, I'm sure. It's my old therapists favorite word to describe all my hangups. I don't know why I have/had "shame" with so many things in my life, but I'm getting so much better about not allowing it to control my emotions or my thoughts. And yep, you know what, I loved every second of reading Fifty Shades of Grey. I have nothing to apologize for. I'm free from my hangups about sex. I'm so sorry I had them to begin with. I feel like I lost years of enjoying myself, utterly and completely. It wasn't until even my late 20's that I really started to let go of things. And now, at the ripe old age of 40, I embrace my sexuality, like I should've so many years ago. And I'll tell you what, you've never seen a happier man in his marriage. lol. Well, that might be an overstatement. But it has brought us so much closer together. Holy shit. Yep. I've officially said way too much. This may be the blog entry that makes me think tomorrow, you've totally lost it old lady. Stop this site now. But for now, I'm proud of myself for discussing a topic, that for most of my life I was unable to appreciate, or understand like my friends did. Oh, and I wish I could say, the book had my turning Fifty Shades of Red, but that would be a lie, even though I think it would be a good line. I can tell you that I related to one of the characters, who describes himself as Fifty Shades of Fucked Up. Although, I've come so far these days, maybe I'm only 20 shades of fucked up.
Hope you guys had a great weekend.