Today's one of those days where I just can't seem to wake up.  I got a decent amount of sleep, albeit restless.  There's no reason for today's crazy fatigue. 
Okay, I know there is...  My diet has been shiot, and Lord knows that's a huge contributor.  But coming off of yesterday, I'll take a tired day. Yesterday was one of those days that just wasn't great.  You know those days...  We all have them.  It was a day of my midlife crisis running all over my fat ass.  But thankfully yesterday is behind me, and I'm not in that place today.  The day did bleed into the night, as I had a horrible nightmare.  I'm sure that also has contributed to my very tired day. But in an effort to pull my head out of my ass, I got my hair cut and brows done after work today.  I don't know that there's
anything more therapeutic than having that done.  Well, maybe if I got my nails done, too.  But who has time for that?  :)

A friend of my text me about a website called: postsecret.com  She tells me it's
her Sunday guilty pleasure.  Holy fuck.  I can see how that site could be addicting.  Some people have some heavy shit.  What a creative way to get that stuff out there.  The honesty is very refreshing, but it's also very disturbing in some ways.  Some people really should have guilt.  haha. Sorry, that was judgmental.  I try not to be judgmental, and God knows I come a very long way...but I guess we all have a bit of it in us.

Praise the Lord...the sun was out today.  It's amazing what an effect it has on all of us.  At work, it was all any of us could talk about.  I just pray it sticks around.  The end of last week brought some horrible flooding around here. The two days of rain/flooding was followed up by snow/hail/snow.  I was throwing a literal fit about it all.  I'm so over this weather.  I wouldn't be surprised at all to find that I have that seasonal disorder.  And let me tell you, changing the
fucking light bulbs isn't going to make it go away.  Not that I'm bitter about being out here, mind you.

Yesterday I caught a couple of episodes of "Girls" that I'd missed from Season 2.  What a brilliant show.  Holy Moly, you've haven't seen this much narcissism since Seinfeld or when listening to Robin Quivers on the Stern show.  I think this show is so brilliant.  I find it hilarious that I seem to relate to the main character along with her mother.  One of these days, I'll remember what age I am.  But I'm in no real hurry.  One episode was about her trying coke for the experience of it to write about.  Oh man, cocaine...  I've never tried it, because I know I'd love it.  I KNOW I'D LOVE IT.  Anyhoo, she slayed me near the end of the episode when she's getting pissed at her friend for, "ruining what would have been her favorite drug." I'm so easily influenced.  I swear that episode took me back to my younger years when there was a coke room at every party.  My friends would always make comments about the "losers" doing coke in the
back.  But in all reality, it was a small town and we were all friends.  I was so full of judgment, but really I knew...never go back to one of those rooms, because you will never stop.  I'm obviously very glad I never tried it...but my crazy self still wants to try it one day (but I never will), and hey....maybe I could finally be thin. Yep, that's the crazy talking. She's here all day, folks.

Ah, Raise Your Glass just came on.  Damn, Pink is phenomenal... Anyhoo, like I was saying the other day, I'm on a music binge again.  I told Brian there must be a lot of good stuff out now, but he says, no there isn't. Really, it's probably just me coming out of whatever it is, and loving it again.  It's always one of my sure tells that my mind is in a better place.  On VH1, they always have a "You Oughtta Know" artist.  They usually picks some pretty good ones.  This month
is, Jesse Ware.  I've been digging her song Wildest Moments.  I heard her talking about the song the other day, and she said it was actually about her
longtime best friend.  She wrote it after they got in a fight while at a pub.  She said when they're good they're great, but when they're bad, it's bad.  I found that story a refreshing change to the music the we listen to andfind a way to incorporate nearly every love/sad song into our own relationship with our significant other.  If you haven't hear it, check it out.  Oh, check out the video.  She has the most amazing hair.  Okay, I know I'm super naive, and it probably isn't really all her own hair.  But I love her hair and makeup.  This is coming from the least girly girl you'll ever meet. I barely know how to put on makeup (and rarely wear it), and I hardly ever spend more than 10 mins on my hair. I watched that video and thought damn...I'd kill to have them do my hair and makeup.  It's maybe the first time I've ever thought something like that. Maybe the second half of my life is meant for becoming girly.  Just in time for all of these course chin hairs and other hairs that seem to grow where they don't belong.  Better late than never.  Back to the song.  I'll add the lyrics at the
end.


Hope you're all having a fantastic day.


Much Love,


Jenny (see, more girly)

You and I, bloodline,
We come together every time
Two wrongs, no
rights,
We lose ourselves at night

From the outside, from the
outside
Everyone must be wondering why we try
Why do we try

Baby in
our wildest moments,
We could be the greatest, we could be the greatest,

Baby in our wildest moments,
We could be the worst of all
Baby in our
wildest moments,
We could be the greatest, we could be the greatest,
Baby
in our wildest moments,
We could be the worst of all

Oo-ooh,
Oo-ooh

Wait on, thunder sky,
Wherever there's smoke, there'll soon be
fire
What could bring bad luck,
I've been looking at you too much


From the outside, from the outside,
Everyone must be wondering why we
try,
Why do we try

Baby in our wildest moments,
We could be the
greatest, we could be the greatest,
(
From: http://www.elyrics.net )
Baby in our wildest
moments,
We could be the worst of all
Baby in our wildest moments,
We
could be the greatest, we could be the greatest,
Baby in our wildest
moments,
We could be the worst of all

In the middle of it,
We walk,
we walk the line
Looking back on the set
Our wildest moments
Are you
thinking what if,
What if we ruined it all?
My wrecking ball

From
the outside, from the outside,
Everyone must be wondering why we try,
Why
do we try

Baby in our wildest moments,
We could be the greatest, we
could be the greatest,
Baby in our wildest moments,
We could be the worst
of all
Baby in our wildest moments,
We could be the greatest, we could be
the greatest,
Baby in our wildest moments,
We could be the worst of all


 

One of the great things in life, is a nice, lazy Sunday....  Yesterday was jam
packed.  I worked a full day, and then my hubby and I got out for a date night. I'd promised myself a few years ago that my days of working weekends were behind me, but I'm really glad I went in yesterday.  During the week, it's
hard to make any progress, as I seem to get interrupted with something new every time I start anything.  So, it totally sucks that I only get half a weekend, but I made a lot of progress, so I'm grateful.  Once I got home, Brian and I went to a local brewery.  We've only been there a few times, but it's a nice place.  It was pretty packed, so we bellied up to the bar. I'm glad we got there when we did, as it turned out there was a benefit, so soon it was wall to wall with people. 
The benefit was for a scholarship in the name of a girl who was killed in an accident a couple of years ago, during her Senior year of h.s.  It was really touching to see the turnout, and the support this little town has for one another.  Brian nearly got teary eyed, not because of the benefit, but because they had Longboard on tap.  He said, he never wanted to leave.  He's been
dying for his favorite beer ever since we've been out here, but they've never
had it anywhere.  Anyway, going to dinner turned into staying for a drawing that we'd bought tickets to and then me talking Brian into staying for some live music.  It was so nice to hear live music.  It's just a shame that we had been
there so long.  We knew we wouldn't be able to listen long, and I'd hit a point where I knew I was three sheets to the wind.  So, mid song, mid beer, I told him we needed to go.  We had a great time, though.  It had been much too long since we'd had a date night. I'm also glad we got out, as I'd worked all day, and then Brian was called into work today.

So, today leaves me with a tiny bit of a hangover, but it's been a slow moving day, which eases it up a bit.  Well, that along with a Pepsi and Motrin 800.  I need to get off my duff and get some things done today.  It has been a good day so far, except my brain just won't leave me alone.  I hate it when it does that.  I did talk to my cousin Melinda earlier, which was nice.  She's one of the easiest people I know to talk to.

This morning I watched some videos on my laptop.  As much as I use a computer, I always forget about the cool things that it can be used for. Brian and I wanted to check out the unrated Blurred Lines video by Robin Thicke.  I
love that song, and I wanted to see what all the hoopla was about.  Brian, well just wanted to see boobs.  I'll tell you what...  It's actually a really inspiring video.  Those women are so confident within themselves and just strut their stuff. I can't even begin to imagine being in a place, where I'd be so
comfortable with my own body.  I don't mean in terms of videoing it for the world to see.  I mean, just with the confines of my own house, behind closed doors.  Good for them...  Really.  I also checked out the Stay video from Rhianna.  I think that video is so beautiful.  After checking out videos for the art, I watched 22.  That damn Taylor Swift.  As much as I really don't want to like her music, I just keep loving song after song that she keeps pumping out. 
I find it hilarious that my 9 year old and me have so many similar tastes in music. For someone that has a mind that won't quit, I certainly have a very simple mind in so many ways.

Well, I guess I should get to work on my bills.  Lots to pay today.  The State of Illinois took a nice chunk of change from us on tax day, so paying bills will be even more depressing than normal.  Such is the life of an "adult!"

I hope you all have a wonderful day.  Please take the time to enjoy it.

Much Love,

Jen

"22"


It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hipsters
And make
fun of our exes, ah ah, ah ah.
It feels like a perfect night for breakfast at
midnight
To fall in love with strangers, ah ah, ah ah.

Yeah,
We're
happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time
It's miserable and
magical, oh, yeah
Tonight's the night when we forget about the deadlines

It's time

Uh oh!
I don't know about you
But I'm feeling 22

Everything will be alright
If you keep me next to you
You don't know about
me
But I'll bet you want to
Everything will be alright
If we just keep
dancing like we're
22
22

It seems like one of those nights,
This
place is too crowded.
Too many cool kids, ah ah, ah ah (who's Taylor Swift
anyway, ew?)
It seems like one of those nights,
We ditch the whole scene
and end up dreaming
Instead of sleeping.

Yeah,
We're happy, free,
confused, and lonely in the best way
It's miserable and magical, oh, yeah

Tonight's the night when we forget about the heartbreaks
It's time

Uh
oh!
I don't know about you
But I'm feeling 22
Everything will be
alright
If you keep me next to you
You don't know about me
But I'll bet
you want to
Everything will be alright (alright)
If we just keep dancing
like we're
22
22
I don't know about you
22
22

It feels
like one of those nights,
We ditch the whole scene.
It feels like one of
those nights,
We won't be sleeping.
It feels like one of those nights,

You look like bad news,
I gotta have you,
I gotta have you.

Oh oh
yeah hey!
I don't know about you
But I'm feeling 22
Everything will be
alright
If you keep me next to you
You don't know about me (you don't know
about me)
But I'll bet you want to
Everything will be alright
If we
just keep dancing like we're
22
22
22, yeah, yeah
22, yeah, yeah,
yeah

It feels like one of those nights,
We ditch the whole scene
It
feels like one of those nights,
We won't be sleeping
It feels like one of
those nights,
You look like bad news,
I gotta have you,
I gotta have
you.

Oh Friday night....oh how I've waited for you!  I do need to go in to work tomorrow, as there aren't enough hours in the week to get it all done, but at least there's no alarm clock.  And hell, I plan on wearing sweats and maybe a baseball hat.  Anyway, I'm loving that the weekend is here!  I had to really fight off the urge to stop by the bar after work.  I really wanted to stop by for 20 mins and have one, but I know myself well enough to know that I would've pushe it.  I needed to get home and help Cal get ready for his first dance.  Ryne also had wonderful news, in that he got Student of the Week.  I'm so very proud of him.  As a parent, Ryne is where I've been struggling a while.  He's nearly 12 and has really been acting it for a while now. It feels like I'm constantly riding him, and I hate that....  But tonight it was great to see him so proud of his accomplishment, and it was so nice to be able to enjoy it with him.  And apparently I told him I'd give him $50 if he ever got Student of the Week.  I vaguely remember something like that...but I better check with Brian to make sure, Ryne didn't increase that number. Anyway, after the dance, Cal said it
was, "one of the best nights" of his life.  Awwww....  That boy loves the ladies, and he got to do a lot of dancing with them, so he was pretty pumped.  3rd Grade and that boy knows what he loves.  haha.  If you know him, you can see him just singing along to Taylor Swift or whoever might be playing and
dancing his heart out.  I love it!

I know I haven't been on here much, but I really have been thinking about it.  I really haven't had time for anything lately.  I especially think about the blog, when I'm listening to music. I'm back in love with music.  I always love it, but there are times when I appreciate it so much more. I've been listening to everything from tons of cheesy 70's to current, even rap.  I Don't Care.  I Love It.  Awww....Brian just got home, and I can hear him down there giving a
very loud and enthusiastic, "Whoo Hoo, Whoo Hoo!"  Ryne must've just gave him his Student of the Week news :)  So, I have been writing the blog in my head from time to time, but really it hasn't been diet related.  Which of course means, I'm not doing great.  I've had some good moments this week, but mostly it's been unconscious eating.  There's been so much crap food around the office this week.  Ugh.  I'm certainly feeling it.  Sluggish. Of course, I'm feeling a little sluggish right now, because I've had 3 beers.  But it's worth it.  haha. I've got "Fashion Police" on in the background, while the boys are playing together in Cal's room, and it's just a nice, calm vibe.

Well, the "cool" vibe went away for a while, but it was still nice.  Brian came up and put on MSNBC.  I tell you what, I just am not in the mood to watch coverage of the capture of the Boston Marathon terrorists.  Just as all of you
are I'm sure, I'm so sickened by what those fuck nuts did.  Disgusting. Cal is super tired after this evenings activities, and he quickly nestled in between Brian and me and fell asleep.  Anyway, that was a good excuse for me to tell Brian to watch the coverage downstairs. It's such an upsetting thing, just can't deal with it right now.  Instead, I'm enjoying this beer I've been nursing forever.  Thank God for koozies!  I think those mountains are still blue!

I've got XM from the t.v. on and Sara B is on now, Kind of Anything. 
She is such a brilliant songwriter.  She's the real deal, that fo' sho'.

Things have been so busy at work that I really haven't had much time to think about upcoming trip. 6 nights from now, I'll be hanging out with my sisters!  I can't wait to see them and my nieces and nephews.  I'm sure to be blown away by how much they've grown in the past two years. Way, way, too long.  I've also been texting a bit with H.P. and Tammi tonight. It will be so great to see them, too! It will really be nice to see, well, trees, too.  I can't tell you how much I miss the trees.  I've always appreciated the beauty of the outdoors.  The Midwest is just so, well, different.  It's so flat, and there aren't a ton of
trees around. It's a tough pill to swallow after growing up in Alaska and spending my adult life in WA. Oh, speaking of "adult life."  My friend Lynn and I were on work chat the other day, and she was asking me what the nicknames of the guys I work with are.  In the discussion, she asked what mine was.  I told her I probably didn't want to know. She asked if it was, "Mom." Um, WTF?!  Take me to your best friend's house. I loved you then and I love you now. Good music all the way around.  Anyway...  I've come to realize I'm a caregiver, but I refuse to think of myself as a "Mom" when most of the guys are older than me.  I gave Lynn shit about it that night, of course jokingly.  I do find it  funny...  I guess I just have such a hard time thinking of myself as an adult.  I mean, I hear "22" by Taylor Swift, and I think I relate to that song, because when I'm listening to that song, I lose myself, and temporarily think I'm actually in my twenties.  It's so weird to think that's nearly half my age.  Yuck.

A good friend of mine, emailed me the link to Merry Go Round a while back.  She said it reminded her of growing up.  I said, "the good parts?"  She said,
"not so much."  In listening to the song, it wasn't quite what I was expecting, given the title.  Anyway, I don't related too much to the song on a personal level, but with every line, I picture a friend.  I think this song speaks to women. 
I'm sure we can all relate in one way or another.  I'm not putting it on here, because I'm feeling like this is written for me or anything like that.  I'm
especially not feeling like that right now...after 4 glorious beers!  haha.  I really want to add 22.  But anyway, I thought you Gals might like it.

Hope you all have a fantastic weekend!

Much Love!  Jen

Oh-J.T. just came on. I don't really love Suit and Tie, but son of a bitch that boy is fine.  I mean....really...he's the total package!  He's a fantastic singer, got a banging body, and is as funny as it gets.  Would love to see that dick in a box. What? 
Too much?


If you ain't got two kids by
21,
You're probably gonna die alone
At least that's what tradition told
you.

And it don't matter if you don't believe,
Come Sunday morning you
best be there
In the front row, like you're s'posed to.

Same hurt in
every heart.
Same trailer, different park.

Mama's hooked on Mary
Kay
Brother's hooked on Mary Jane
Daddy's hooked on Mary two doors
down.

Mary Mary quite contrary,
We get bored so we get married
And
just like dust we settle in this town.
On this broken merry go 'round and
'round and 'round we go,
Where it stops nobody knows...
And it ain't
slowin' down, this merry go 'round...

We think the first time's good
enough,
So we hold on to high school love,
Say we won't end up like our
parents.

Tiny little boxes in a row,
Ain't want you want it's what you
know,
Just happy in the shoes you're wearin'.

Same checks we're always
cashin',
To buy a little more distraction.

Cause Mama's hooked on Mary
Kay
Brother's hooked on Mary Jane
Daddy's hooked on Mary two doors
down.

Mary Mary quite contrary,
We get bored so we get married
And
just like dust we settle in this town.
On this broken merry go 'round and
'round and 'round we go,
Where we stop nobody knows...
And it ain't
slowin' down, this merry go 'round...

Mary Mary quite contrary,
We're
so bored until we're buried.
And just like dust we settle in this town.
On
this broken merry go 'round...
Merry go 'round...

Jack and Jill went
up the hill,
Jack burned out on booze and pills,
And Mary had a little
lamb,
Mary just don't give a damn no more
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/merry-go-round-lyrics-kacey-musgraves.html#OlbVtq9xekQpr0H9.99

Here's Erika, Tammi and me from our 20 year reunion trip a couple of years ago.

The weekend is coming to a close. 
I'm trying hard not to think about tomorrow, as I still have these last
few moments of the weekend to embrace and take in.  On the other hand, I'm looking to go into Monday with a fresh attitude.  I may not love my job.  But I have one...  At some point, I need to grow up and accept that the responsibility I've been looking to avoid my whole career is here, and I can turn and run or I can
give it my all and make sure that my instincts have been right in what I want
out of what I do for a living.  There was a time when I let work control my happiness and my time.  I won't do that this time.  I'll give it my all and if that isn't good enough....it isn't good enough. But anyway...enough about my job.

This has been a nice weekend.  We all just hung around the house and got a few things done (I do mean only a few...pretty lazy)!  Today has been especially nice.  It's been a good day of finding joy from many places.  I woke up early, as I seem to every Sunday, but I actually was able to get back to sleep and actually sleep in.  Brian made his Sunday morning French toast.  I worked on the bills and organizing a ton of paperwork.  "E from AK" haha, and  I had an all day text going.  I can't tell you how blessed I feel to have my friends in my life that I grew up with.  She was my maid of honor in my wedding.  Just yesterday, I
looked at a picture of my wedding and hated the way I looked.  My insecurities go back from as far as I can remember.  Anyway, E brings up the wedding today and had such beautiful things to say.  Really, truly lucky to have grown up where I did and know the people I know.  Caleb and I got in some ping pong
today, and tonight I've been able to get a little reading done.  I'm becoming obsessed with this, Shift Happens book.  I'm having to fight the urge to just sit and read the whole thing.  I'm enjoying taking it in and trying to soak it up. Here's a couple of excerpts the book that gave me pause for thought today: 
"Self-acceptance is your number one goal in life.  Why?  Because for as long as
you believe that there is something unacceptable about you, you will push away
love, you will sabotage success, you will unconsciously conspire against joy,
you will struggle, and you will never really find out who you are or what you
are really capable of."  It goes on to say, "Self-acceptance transforms your perception of yourself.  The more you commit to self-acceptance, the more you will begin to see that there is nothing about the real you this is wrong, bad, not okay, or not good enough. Self-acceptance inspires all sorts of personal alchemy and self-realization.  It is truly the most powerful act of healing, prosperity, and love on the planet."

I'm proud to say that I didn't drink any soda thisweekend.  I didn't eat great, but I ate much better than I have been lately.  We BBQ'd tonight (in an effort to wish Spring to show up, but it didn't work).  I made potato salad, which is probably my favorite thing that I make. It's a big pain in the ass, but worth it.

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

Jen


 

Life really is funny in that you can never be sure what each day is going to bring.  I wrote my last post at work in the morning.  My boss and I went to lunch that day, and shortly after we got back, I was called into an office to say that she is was no longer employed at IRE.  I was stunned...  I know the job had
been life sucking to her for quite a while, and I pray that she find peace in
whatever comes her way.  So, just like that a department of two became one. 
And I find myself in a position I never wanted.  This has been a crazy, stressful week to say the least. My head is swimming...

In the craziness of this week, I've found some solitude in the support that I've gotten from the guys I work with.  They really are a great group of human beings.  I'll probably never be able to say that I love it out here in IL, but
things in life happen for a reason.  God brought us out here as a part of our journey in life.  We've all met some great people here, and for that I'll always be
thankful.

It's probably been a little obvious that I've been a little out of sorts for a bit. 
I've been working hard on trying to stay positive and work through it all, though.  As always, I've been able to lean on good friends.  My life wouldn't be complete without them...there's no doubt about that. Today is Saturday, and it was nice to spend some time with Brian.  We locked the doors and just had the morning to ourselves.  We let the kids eat Pop Tarts for breakfast and play the Xbox. While it's terrible parenting, it was exactly what Brian and I needed. 
It's been a while since we've been able to really connect.  Life moves so quick and as parents we sometimes lose sight of some of the really important things.  It feels so good that Brian and I are on the same page in what we want out of our future, want for our family, and where we want to be.  We want to live closer to family.  Life is too short to not see your family for this long.  So, we are
trying to regain our focus and not let the craziness of making it through each
day get in the way of what we know to be so very important.  Speaking of family...  I know I've been talking about how much I miss them lately.  So, I'm making a quick trip out to Spokane in a couple of weeks. I'll be able to see my sisters and their families, along with my cousin Haley.  I'll also be able to see my chosen family in H.P. and Tammi.  Tammi is going to fly over for the weekend and H.P. lives there.  It's also great timing in that I'll be there for H.P.'s birthday.  It's going to be a super quick trip, but I'm so very excited to spend time with people I love so much and haven't seen in 2 years.  It's been way too long and we need to find a way to make sure we don't ever go this long again.  The plan is for the whole family to make it out Vancouver this summer, too.  I cannot wait for the boys to see the family again.

A couple of us are reading, Shift Happens by Robert Holden. I'm not too far into it, but it really is inspirational.  I need to find a way to transfer the positive energy and desire for life that I find while reading into my everyday life.  Anyway, if you are looking for an easy read that's positive and brings out emotions and joy that you didn't expect, this book is for you.  If you read it, please let me know what you think.

Caleb was just in here, and he started talking about how he wants to do a lemonade stand this summer. He then tells me that would be a good thing to talk about on my website.  LMAO.  That kid slays me...too cute.

I hope this weekend finds you being able to relax.  I didn't sleep well last night, as work is stressing me out so bad, and I woke up not knowing how to let go of that stress.  I'm so thankful for a morning of just my husband and me to make it all go away for a bit.  I hope you are enjoying whatever brings you your peace today and always.


Much Love,


Jen

Life really is a rollercoaster, isn’t it?  Well, maybe I shouldn’t say life, but I know my brain certainly is. One minute I can be convinced of something and believe it whole heartedly.  The next I’m talking myself out of it and making all sorts of lame excuses of why I shouldn’t believe that…or even worse yet, I quit caring.  I can’t tell you how many times a day this same rollercoaster of emotions/deadness goes through me in a day.  I KNOW how to eat right.  There are so many parts of my day, where I think I’ve got it all under control. Then within that same hour, maybe even minutes, I’m sabotaging myself.  Right now I’m dealing with my favorite Aunt (sarcasm….) Flow.  Friday my emotions were flooded and I knew it was because she was on the verge of showing up.  I found myself completely drained on Sat. until she arrived that evening. (Yes, uncorking does work…) 
Yesterday was my really “heavy” day. By now, I know how she’s most likely to
work.  But apparently today is even worse.  After not having been in the bathroom a couple of hours I went in to find I’d actually leaked through all
my protection.  I have a decent size circle of blood right in the center of my ass. 
I found that about 9 this morning. I’ll spend the rest of my day with my pullover jacket on, and keep tugging it down in the back, while out of my office.  I totally got off track with telling you that, but I guess it’s on my
mind.  Anyway, back to emotions….  A great friend and I had a really good talk about how we need to tackle our recurring issues with our emotions.  It was the middle of the work day and I envisioned what happiness would mean to me in that moment.  I saw my thin self jogging  w/ actual little jogging shorts on, with some sort of 60-70 lb. mutt dog in the sunshine. It’s so real.  I can see it as if it’s actual fact, and the state I’m in now, is really just some sick hallucination.  I told my friend about it, and we decided, okay, we are going to start now….we are going to start taking steps toward being the people we want to be.  I still felt that way this morning, until I got an early text about a work nightmare that I’m directly involved with. Followed up by a call by my boss’ boss, on my drive in. 
My morning should’ve started with me making a smoothie, but instead I got
stressed and left the house without eating/drinking anything.  After dealing with the issue first thing, I went to the soda machine and bought a 20oz Pepsi.  I also bought some strawberry Pop Tarts.  I don’t even like those fucking things.  It’s just after 10, and I’m nibbling on Cheese Puffs that I bought
yesterday in the stress of things.  And let me tell you, yesterday was a very, very bad eating day….  Okay, folks, here’s the deal: I’m 41 FUCKING YEARS OLD….  And I still handle stress like a child that doesn’t realize the relationship between food and your body, mind and spirit. What is that about?  I know
I’m not free of issues.  Okay, if you’ve ever read this…you KNOW that’s the case.  I’m a hot mess, only I’m not hot.  As I’m in the midst of all of this, I’ll celebrate my little victory from last night.  Instead of shutting off like I seem to want to do lately, I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned.  I also reallywanted to have some beer or wine, but I talked myself out of it.  I have not been drinking at home and that’s something I went my whole life doing until my little stretch last year or so.  So, I’m planning on making the same decisions tonight to clean instead of pushing all the demons out by way of self-numbing.  But you know the really great thing about my “demons?”  They are ridiculous.  When my friends talking about having the same ones, or what have you, to me, it’s
nothing. There’s no reason why it should be a concern.  But with myself, I haven’t found a way to be so kind.  The standards I set for myself as a human being are so high that I’ll never be satisfied.  In my mind, I’ll never be a good enough wife, mother, daughter (don’t get me started on the daddy issues…been really brain fucking me lately), or friend.  Silly, silly shit for the most part.  Oh well, they say the first step is to acknowledge your issues right?  Well, I’ve had this step down for quite some time now.  When is the next step going to show up?

Holy shit…  What a whiny ass bitch I’m being today.  Maybe it’s been best that I haven’t been on here too much lately.  I’ll let you go, if you haven’t checked out
already.

I guess I’ll leave you with the words of my former therapist: be kind to yourself.  Those are my words to you, and if I say it enough, maybe I’ll start to
believe them for myself.

Much Love,

The shell of myself.

P.S.  I just re-read this…  Man alive.  In an effort to create some happiness for myself, I’ve attached what is probably my favorite photo from NYC.