Yesterday was my really “heavy” day. By now, I know how she’s most likely to
work. But apparently today is even worse. After not having been in the bathroom a couple of hours I went in to find I’d actually leaked through all
my protection. I have a decent size circle of blood right in the center of my ass.
I found that about 9 this morning. I’ll spend the rest of my day with my pullover jacket on, and keep tugging it down in the back, while out of my office. I totally got off track with telling you that, but I guess it’s on my
mind. Anyway, back to emotions…. A great friend and I had a really good talk about how we need to tackle our recurring issues with our emotions. It was the middle of the work day and I envisioned what happiness would mean to me in that moment. I saw my thin self jogging w/ actual little jogging shorts on, with some sort of 60-70 lb. mutt dog in the sunshine. It’s so real. I can see it as if it’s actual fact, and the state I’m in now, is really just some sick hallucination. I told my friend about it, and we decided, okay, we are going to start now….we are going to start taking steps toward being the people we want to be. I still felt that way this morning, until I got an early text about a work nightmare that I’m directly involved with. Followed up by a call by my boss’ boss, on my drive in.
My morning should’ve started with me making a smoothie, but instead I got
stressed and left the house without eating/drinking anything. After dealing with the issue first thing, I went to the soda machine and bought a 20oz Pepsi. I also bought some strawberry Pop Tarts. I don’t even like those fucking things. It’s just after 10, and I’m nibbling on Cheese Puffs that I bought
yesterday in the stress of things. And let me tell you, yesterday was a very, very bad eating day…. Okay, folks, here’s the deal: I’m 41 FUCKING YEARS OLD…. And I still handle stress like a child that doesn’t realize the relationship between food and your body, mind and spirit. What is that about? I know
I’m not free of issues. Okay, if you’ve ever read this…you KNOW that’s the case. I’m a hot mess, only I’m not hot. As I’m in the midst of all of this, I’ll celebrate my little victory from last night. Instead of shutting off like I seem to want to do lately, I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. I also reallywanted to have some beer or wine, but I talked myself out of it. I have not been drinking at home and that’s something I went my whole life doing until my little stretch last year or so. So, I’m planning on making the same decisions tonight to clean instead of pushing all the demons out by way of self-numbing. But you know the really great thing about my “demons?” They are ridiculous. When my friends talking about having the same ones, or what have you, to me, it’s
nothing. There’s no reason why it should be a concern. But with myself, I haven’t found a way to be so kind. The standards I set for myself as a human being are so high that I’ll never be satisfied. In my mind, I’ll never be a good enough wife, mother, daughter (don’t get me started on the daddy issues…been really brain fucking me lately), or friend. Silly, silly shit for the most part. Oh well, they say the first step is to acknowledge your issues right? Well, I’ve had this step down for quite some time now. When is the next step going to show up?
Holy shit… What a whiny ass bitch I’m being today. Maybe it’s been best that I haven’t been on here too much lately. I’ll let you go, if you haven’t checked out
I guess I’ll leave you with the words of my former therapist: be kind to yourself. Those are my words to you, and if I say it enough, maybe I’ll start to
believe them for myself.
The shell of myself.
P.S. I just re-read this… Man alive. In an effort to create some happiness for myself, I’ve attached what is probably my favorite photo from NYC.