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Diariesofafatass.com

A Million Reasons

10/29/2016

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Happy Saturday! The sun is actually out today, and it's supposed to be in the low 70's. It's been colder than balls lately (not sure why that's really a term...never known balls to be cold). I plan on taking full advantage of the sun, as Lord knows when we'll see it again out here. A friend and I will take our dogs for a hike, and varsity football playoffs begin today. I haven't watched a varsity game yet this season, as Ryne plays on the sophomore team. He does dress for some varsity games, but knows he won't play. He'll be on the sidelines today in his jersey and jeans, though. He wrenched his back this week, and hasn't been able to practice for a couple of days. It should be fun watching the varsity play, though. They are ranked 5th in state, and just like the sophomore team, were undefeated this season. I really wish I knew more people here, though. The likelihood is that I won't see any of the few football friends I have in the sea of people and will watch alone. It used to bother me more than it does now, but I guess I've gotten a little used to is. Brian has to work today. I know he's bummed he'll miss it.

So, the diet...I don't want to be all fancy and call it a lifestyle change, but also I know diet isn't the correct term. It's a term that's meant to not last. I guess I'll talk about the changes I'm making. Yeah, that'll work. I've been working it every day. I've been getting my steps in and paying attention to everything I eat. That doesn't mean, I'm perfect...oh, no. And if we want confirmation of that, we just need to talk to the lady I weigh in with every week. For me though, it really started with awareness. I have been unconsciously eating for so long now (or if we want to go super therapy on it-consciously in a bad way), that it's such a change to think about every choice I make. I'm still eating too many processed foods, and eating out too much, although the leaps I've made are huge. For every time the weigh loss counselor pointed out that the packet of instant oatmeal I ate was terrible, I thought about the fact that there was breakfast pizza or doughnuts at work that I didn't touch. When she started to get on me about the grilled bourbon salmon, garlic mashed and roasted vegetables I had one night-I snapped a bit. I told her we were out of town all weekend, and I didn't eat a thing I wanted, nor did I drink. I definitely shocked her with my little outburst, as I normally just sit there and die a little inside during the sessions. But really, I don't care for grilled salmon all that well, and we were at a friend's restaurant that I never get to...and they have the best mac and cheese and nachos! So, while there may have been better choices, I'm proud of the ones I made last weekend. I'm proud of going to Buffalo Wild Wings the next day and eating the shit out of the hummus plate and the raw veggies and getting the snack chicken tacos and only eating two of the three. A month from now, I'll probably be making even better decisions, but coming into this-I knew I had to start out crawling a bit. My crawl is slowly turning into a walk, though. I feel like I'm making better decision all the time. Now, the weigh-in...ugh... I was down half a pound. But you know what, I'll take that. It was the day before my period finally came (at that point I was 4 days late). I now only get this thing every three months, and for nearly two weeks, it was fucking with my body. I know there was retention there. I just kept thinking about how my pants are now falling down. How I can see it in certain areas, and how normally I don't believe people when they say they can tell...two of my coworkers pointed out the same area I first noticed it. My two weigh ins only amount to 5 pounds, but from the heaviest I got, not so long ago I'm down 30. If I think how far I need to go, it only fucks with my head. It has to be one day at a time with me.

One day at a time...leads to me to last night. I made good choices during the day, but instead of going on my walk last night, I had wine with a friend. After that, we had company where I had more wine and more calories than I have since I starting taking notice. Here's the thing...I'm not beating myself up over it. It happened, and it could've been worse. I only had 5,000 steps, but instead of resting on my laurels about hitting my steps the rest of the week, I'll do 15,000 today to make up those missing steps. I'll watch my food very closely this weekend. I would really like to say that I'm not going to drink, but given that I'm going to a wine tasting party tonight, that would be a lie. Ha. So, for this all or nothing person, I'm proud of the way I'm handling last night.

I could talk and talk and talk, and bore you even more, but I'm already running late. If you know me, you're not surprised by this.

If you're thinking about getting started on your journey, just remember, you don't have to wait until you feel ready. You can start now. You can crawl. I came into this kicking and screaming...and I'm so glad I did. 

I'll leave you with this song I heard for the first time the other day. It really touched me in a couple of ways. Lady Gaga has such a beautiful voice. I hope you love it...be sure to watch.

Much Love,

​Jen
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When you don't wanna...

10/18/2016

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I went into this change in diet kicking and screaming. In a way, a week in I still kind of am. I wasn't ready mentally, but I knew I had to do something. I had to do something now. So, I've gone out of my comfort zone in a million different ways. This first week has had many successes, and some not so stellar moments. I'm sure not everyone has a night where there's three pints of Bud Light and a Mystery shot on their food log during week one. Or a night where there's pizza and half a bottle of red wine. In those not so stellar moments though, I see the good. I see the small healthy dinner I had after the beers (instead of the usual drive-thru) or the fact that the pizza we had was the DeLite from Papa Murphy's, and I practiced portion control. I went over my daily calorie allowance on one day (the beer day) by 150 cals, but most days I was under.  A couple of days I was under by 600 calories. The healthy me of days past would look at this first week and not be overly impressed. The me of today, recognizes this week was huge for me. For the first time in quite some time, I've thought about every single thing that has gone into my mouth this week. Unconscious eating is my nemesis. I am now awake... I'm awake enough to realize that I feel so much better after just a week, than I've felt in many months. I feel awake enough to know that sometimes this sucks, but I realize it's still worth it. Maybe...just maybe...I'm even worth it.

Today is the fourth day in a row that I've gotten in over 10,000 steps. Again, it's been months. It's also the third day in a row that I've done a little 5 min workout routine that my friend put together. Yesterday it got me. I was dead ass tired. I was sore AF. I was 400 steps away from 10k, so I did laps in my house until I hit it. The minute I did, I dropped the the couch. I was done. I took a hot shower, and then I slept better than I have in weeks. When you have this kind of extra weight, even the smallest things take a toll on your body. It hurts, but it will get better. Even today, I feel so much better than yesterday. I had a fantastic walk tonight, where I hardly thought about what hurt. I enjoyed being outside. I enjoyed the fact that Brian was able to take Cal to practice and pick Ryne up (same thing for tomorrow :) I enjoyed having that hour to myself and my dog. I enjoyed...feeling the good.


I weighed in today. It's a humiliating process for me. I was down 4 1/2 pounds, but I was devastated. I'd been monitoring at home and thought I was down 6. I know this is crazy talk. All of it. It took me a while and a lot of self talk to appreciate that 4 1/2 pounds. I've gotten there, though. I think of just how different I feel after such a short time. I don't have the water retention in my hands. I haven't had to take an antacid in a week. I might be sore AF, but I don't feel like I'm going to pass out. I'll take being sore. Soon enough, it will just feel like a good sore.

I've been yammering on for a while now, so I'll let you go. I just wanted to let you know...even if you don't feel ready...take that plunge. What have you got to lose? I'm so, so glad I went out of my comfort zone. I'm so glad that I acknowledged I can't do this on my own. Even if I'm paying someone to essentially just weigh me. I made myself accountable to someone else, which was necessary for me, at this time. Even when you don't wanna, you can be ready.

Hope you're having a great night,

Jen

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Support

10/11/2016

3 Comments

 
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I ran out to the car to grab something tonight, and I thought about the fact that I haven't spent any time outside today...scratch that, this week. I took a minute to scan the sky, searching for any break in the clouds in hopes of catching a star. Not today, but I really should've taken the time at some point today to take even just five minutes to appreciate my surroundings. It's so easy to get caught up in life, running from here to there, seemingly never stopping. I spend at a very minimum, an hour and a half in a car a day. As I took the moment to look up tonight, I thought about my days and how they're spent. We work so hard to create our life, but we spend so little time actually living it. How did we get to a point, that we don't take even a few minutes to take in the elements? My days are spent in a car, desperately trying to get to work, get somewhere in time to get the kids to practice or whatever they have going on. My days are spent in an office doing a job that I find very little joy in, but it helps to pay for this life we've created. I need to find a way to look back at my day and see more than just a blur of a day. We are all searching for that, I guess. So, although I worked late tonight, I've made the most of my time with my family. I wanted to change the way I looked back at my day. I've been so tired lately...going to sleep so early, it's the family part I've been missing out on. Yeah, that's just fucked up... I really need to reevaluate my priorities.

In the same line of thinking...I've known I've had to do something about this weight. I've not been taking care of myself lately, and quite frankly, I just haven't been feeling well. I know that food when mindfully eaten is medicine, but when there's nothing but mindless eating, it really takes a toll, mentally and physically. My body has been screaming, what in the fuck are you doing to me? for a few months now. So, I took a pretty drastic step. I haven't been able to do this on my own, so I listened to a friend and a program she's currently on and decided I'd better try it. It's funny, usually when I start something, I feel ready for it...stoked...but not this time. I just feel like, I have to... Maybe that will work...maybe that's the thing that will stick. It's essentially just smart eating, with accountability. I have to meet with the weight loss specialist each week and weigh in. Once a month my measurements will be taken. I met my weight loss specialist, today, for the first time. (I'd done the intake labs, etc last weekend). I know three people who have done this program, and all three told me, "You'll love her. She has a foul mouth." Eh, well, I guess they know me ;) I did like her, but more than anything, I sat there in shame. It's hard to have somebody see the weight you try so hard to avoid thinking about or showing, let alone spending an hour talking about. I came away from the appointment, feeling nervous...am I going to shit the bed? Make a fool out of myself? In true fatass fashion, I was then hard on myself...for getting to this place. A funny thing happened, though...a friend was excited I was doing this. We sat down together and went over a plan to kind of go through this together. This gal doesn't have much to lose. I think she's shooting for 10 pounds. But she spoke to me as an equal and a partner in this. That goes a long, long way. I feel great, that she and I are going to bring a healthy lunch a couple of times a week to share. My friend Marie, who turned me onto this program will also be a great source of motivation. She lost 10 pounds in her first week. How fucking awesome is that?! Anyway, reluctantly, I'm getting going. I hit my calories today, which I'm proud of, since the counselor kept talking about starting tomorrow, and the fatass thinking was like....eat shit tons today. Hopefully I'll get more excited as this goes on..in fact, I'm sure I will. So, I'm here to tell you, if this fatass can start, even while kicking and screaming, you can start this, too. We can be a support system for each other :) Thanks for being here through it all. Writing is so therapeutic for me. I'm so very grateful for this outlet.

Hopefully there are some stars for you to watch tonight. Make sure to make your wish.

I'll leave you with a song a friend recently turned me onto. Just plain good writing.

​~Jen 
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    Jen

    Age 47
    Married 24 years
    2 boys, 18 & 15
    email: diariesofafatass@gmail.com


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