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Diariesofafatass.com

Back to life, back to reality.

9/19/2016

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Congratulations. You made it through Monday. Look, I know there's a good chance that the day left you bruised, battered, pondering another career choice, cursing under your breath, but that's beside the point...you made it. I made it. Good for us!

First, I must tell you the Dixie Chicks were once again fantastic. I won't lie, and tell you that I liked them as much as the first time. But the first time I was smart...I was careful with how much I drank before the show. Trust me, there's nothing I like more than a pre-show buzz, but history has taught me, that to really enjoy the show, there has to be restraint. That restraint went out the window before this show. Actually, to be precise, it was the day before when my 22 y/o friend (one of the gals that went with us) told me she was worried I was going to be lame after the show, because as she put it, "you're old." Ah nuts...well, I partied like it was 1990 (mixing everything under the sun), and I drank way more than I would like before a show. I hung with the kids, but it did take away from the show a bit. I still had a blast, though. It was a really fun group of girls, that I'd go to any concert with. I just wish I could have experienced the music more than I did. Thank goodness I'd already seen the DCX this tour. Okay, confession, I went back to delete this paragraph....but it's me...my lack of self-control is an equal opportunist, but as we know that lack of self-control when it comes to food is still the big winner. Here I am...yet again, painting myself in the best light possible ;)

Back to Monday... The morning did not start great, as the fifteen year old woke up with an attitude. I knew it was going to be a rough day, as we had a really long day yesterday. It was a great day with the family, going to a Cubs game, but we were gone 13 hours and got home after bedtime. Btw...do you like how I referred to Ryne as, "the fifteen year old"? I think it might be a new thing. I think of him more as a teenager, than by his name, these days. He's been trying my patience, I'll say that. So, the morning was rough, as me telling him to take a "quick shower" meant something altogether different than what I had in mind...The boy was in there 20 minutes, and that's with me yelling at him every 5 minutes. From there, it just got worse. It ended with me being a couple of minutes late for work (I drop him off at Drivers Ed in the morning). So, coming into tonight, he really needed to work hard to make amends. Again, we think differently. I told him to put the dishes away. He went into the kitchen for not long and then said he was going to take a shower. I asked if he put the dishes away..to which he responds...what dishes, like in the dishwasher? He then goes back into the kitchen and proceeds to supposedly put the dishes away. I'm in the middle of making dinner, and I was looking for a certain pot...which you guessed it...was in the dishwasher along with other dishes. He put part of them away...and then argued with me that he'd done them all...until he opened the dishwasher to see what he'd left. Sometimes, I just have to throw my hands in the air. (And I know you're thinking and wave 'em like you just don't care, but that's not the case). I really don't have a hold on this parenting a teenager thing. It feels as if I'm failing at every turn.

I've been thinking a lot lately about something the bff said to me a month or two ago when discussing something kinda deep. She said, "that's not real." She kept going back to it, and she's right: what we were talking about isn't real. But it has me thinking about most everything in my life. Nothing feels real. Am I the only one who feels like this? I've never thought in these terms before, but it makes sense to me now. My career doesn't feel real, mothering doesn't feel real, as I always feel like I'm falling down...on and on... It's all so funny to me, because at the same time, I feel like nothing is real, everything feels all too real. Again, thinking about deleting this...but then you would miss out on all of this uplifting stuff. Maybe I just have a case of the Mondays.  As the Boomtown Rats, sang, I Don't Like Mondays. 


I hope your evening finds you on the winning end of your fantasy football game, or in the middle of a good book, or spending great time with friends or family. Or maybe...just maybe you found yourself eating dinner by yourself at the dinner table, and loving every minute of it.  Yep, just like Loverboy sang. Oh, and I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the thing that made me even happier than dinner (I know it makes me sound terrible, but I really love alone time, sometimes)...but I walked into my bathroom to find the smell of the new homemade blueberry soap I bought this weekend encompassing the room. Ah, heaven.

In honor of mentioning the bff and in honor of Le Ann's birthday, I'll leave you with a little No Doubt. Enjoy.

Jen

​
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Perspective.

9/14/2016

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What day is it?! It's Dixie Chicks Eve, baby. I'd planned on seeing them again, once they came back out this way, but the date snuck up on me. I was not ready for my Summer of Concerts to end, and thought the next show would be the Steve Miller Band...but of all the luck, it's the same night as the Chicks. Next year I've got to find a way to see Steve Miller, though. Mind you, I've heard from several friends that he sucks in concert, but I need to see it for myself.  Steve Miller = High School (and no Wrangell friends, I don't mean the Steve Miller that went to our h.s.). Such great memories.

I had a Dr's appointment this morning. It's nothing to really worry about..but my mind always get to over-thinking. So, I had a little nervousness about me going into it.  The appointment was supposed to be Monday morning at 8, but when I got there, I was told my Dr's son will ill, so they needed to reschedule. Of course, I felt a bit put out, as it's not easy for me to miss work for appointments, etc. Anyway, I went in today, hoping for answers...while I sat there for half an hour waiting for the Dr, getting myself a little worked up in my head...as I again was missing work for this. I don't know this Dr well, but we do have a friend in common. The Dr comes in and asks how I am, and I probably say I'm good or fine or some other reflex answer. I ask how he is, and he pauses and says, "Okay all things considering, I guess." I'm a little taken back by his answer, and I don't ask him any follow up questions. Without prompt he begins to tell me some things going on in his life, including that his son has brain cancer. You probably could've picked my mouth up off the floor. I ask how old his son is and he's twelve. My heart breaks. I think of my boys. I begin to cry. He tells me his son started having symptoms in January and was diagnosed in February and that it's fatal. There isn't much time left. He talks for a while longer, all the while I'm just stunned. I kept thinking....this man went to school to save lives and how he must feel in this situation with his own son. I couldn't escape the thought. We then went on to my medical thing and he was very thorough, as he always is. I left the appointment, not thinking about myself much, or how I'm getting into work late, but thinking about my kids...how lucky I am they're healthy, and about this man and his family. I sure wasn't expecting to come out of a Dr's appointment like that. It's funny...there is illness all around me right now. It's been a very weird time. I've had my own thing, which who is kidding who, I probably wouldn't have if I weren't so heavy, so I get to beat the shit out of myself over that..., and those things alone should be enough to put things into perspective, but it took the Dr telling me his story, for it to sink in. Life is nothing to take for-granted. Ever.

Monday night I met my friend D for dinner and a couple of quick drinks. For whatever reason, the two of us usually end up talking about something very sad while we're out. Usually it's several drinks in, though. But here we were, the day after 9/11. As usual, we talked about sad stories we'd heard from that day and terrible things that really should never be part of a fun night with a friend, but that's us. It's funny, because I have as much fun with her as I do anyone, but I guess we have to even it out. Go figure. So, in remembering that conversation and thinking about 9/11, I'll leave you with Travelin' Soldier. This song gets me every single time, but it's also beautiful, and of course-it has to be the Dixie Chicks tonight. 

Hopefully this post didn't make you want to poke your eyes out too badly. Or maybe just wanting to poke one eye out. I'll take it. Perspective ;)

Please keep Joshua in you prayers.


Have a good night,

Jen

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Richard Marx is the man. What year is it?

9/3/2016

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Happy Saturday! Congratulations on making it through the work week. We made it to a 3-day weekend! What a difference that one day makes...every weekend should be like this. It's Saturday morning, and I have enjoyed every moment of my laziness. I'm really just wanting this to be the most chill day ever. This week was so busy and full of emotion. I'm ready for my brain to take the day off. So far, so good! But ​seriously...we deserve three days off every week. We can have the one day for nothingness, and then make the most out of the other two days. I can get on board with this.

​Here I sit, with the sliding glass doors to the deck actually open. It feels so good in here. It has been so nasty humid around here for so long, that you forget just how nice the outdoors can be.  The sun is out, but it's nice and cool. I have a summer candle going, because we are now on the downhill swing...and I want to enjoy every ounce of it I can (I'm ready to quickly forgive the humidity and to move on to the good weather). I have friends that have already broken out the fall candles and decor. I can't go there, yet. I still have all of September to enjoy. I do love Fall, though...but it can wait. I have some Valerie Bertinelli cooking show on in the background, and she's giving me good ideas-which I will forget by the time the show ends. I actually read her weight-loss book, back in the day. Actually...there aren't many weight-loss books I haven't read. I've tried just about every crazy ass thing over the years. The fad diets all stopped when I went meatless, though. I've still read weight-loss books since then, but they've all been along the same lines. I've just hoped one of those would stick. I guess I need to do that again. I'm happy to report that I am now 13 days without meat, though. I'm still not being real healthy, but I'm happy about this step. Maybe reading a book will get me on track with eating my greens.  I've still been off the soda, too. Soda is still the hardest thing for me. It's getting a little easier, but I do want it every single day.  I drink the shit out of water, unsweetened iced tea, sparkling water, and the occasional Gatorade, but honestly...they all suck. I miss pop. I do think it's a huge step, that I choose to love myself more than soda, though.


This long weekend is going to be spent, just as I hope. The boys might end up changing some of my plans for relaxation, but as it sits-I will be home an awful lot. A friend is coming over tonight to Netflix and Chill. That doesn't have another meaning does it? haha. Tomorrow a friend is coming over to watch a movie and we're gong to make dessert, and that's it as far as my plans go. The rest of the weekend will be spent with the boys (Brian has to work) and working on the book. Again...the power of an extra day-it's extraordinary.

I'll ask that you continue to pray for my friend White 5 (remember, God has a great sense of humor). His cancer journey has been more than the doctors thought, and he'll be starting chemo this week. It's weighed very heavy on me this week. I have every confidence he'll be fine, but nobody should have to go through this. I don't get it...too many people affected by this horrible disease. Just this week alone...too many terrible things.

I won't leave you with a bummer about cancer...I'll leave you with this name: Richard Marx.  I know, when was the last time you thought of him?! Anyway, I love his new song. Yes, feel free to make fun of me...it's going to be one thing or another anyway. When I think of Richard Marx, I think about that hair...I think about how much one of his songs reminded me of one of my first boyfriends...I think about how he married the dancer girl off of Dirty Dancing...but apparently later divorced...I think about how great of a songwriter he is, so many songs you never even realized he wrote for other people.  Yes, I think all of these things right now, about someone I haven't thought much about in 25 years. Now, I think about how he just married Daisy Fuentes (you remember her, right?!). I really need to write that on a post-it, because I keep forgetting to tell Brian. Oh, how Brian loved her. She was number one on his list for many years. In fact, just remembering her will probably make her his number one, once again. Apparently Richard wrote this song for her. The lyrics are wonderful. I told a close friend about this song, as she's just gone through a breakup.  Breakups seem to be so much harder for my friends these days. There always seems to be this element of running out of time, in their sadness. I wish they wouldn't think that way. One day I know, they'll know it was all worth it..that the one they wanted and didn't even know it will be there, and make them forget about all of the pain they had before them. Anyway, enjoy the shit out of Richard Marx. -Words you don't hear everyday.

Now, enjoy the shit out of your weekend-even if it means staying home!

​Jen
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    Jen

    Age 46
    Married 22 years
    2 boys, 16 & 14
    email: diariesofafatass@gmail.com


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