I don’t want to talk much about depression today.  I can tell you it’s been
pretty much all encompassing, with bits and pieces of normalcy.  A friend convinced me to go to the Dr. and get my meds evaluated, the other day. That was so very hard….  I hate taking anything to begin with, which is why I haven’t had them changed.  So, now the Dr. has added another one to the mix, which is supposed to go well with the current antidepressant I’ve been taking.  I feel like such a loser….  I just feel deep down, that some of this could be corrected if I’d take care of myself. It’s all just been spiraling out of control.  But anyway, I guess it’s a positive step that I’ve taken some bit of additional measure to get myself on the right track.  The new one is supposed to take a few days to kick in and today is day 3. So, hopefully I’ll start feeling better sooner, rather than later.  But I guess I can say that I have been a bit better.  Work has helped.  I’ve been really busy, which has been a blessing.  And I haven’t cried as much in the past few days as I have been (except for yesterday, but that was also therapy day, so that doesn’t count). Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ll get better.  Err, that I’m getting better.

So, one of the things about myself that I actually like, is how creative my mind can work.  My mind has always wanted to do its own thing.  I remember my third grade Mrs. Emde, always making comments to my parents about how creative I was.  It drove me nuts.  I didn’t want to be creative, I wanted to be smart.  I remember Mrs. Emde fondly.  She would talk about church in class (yeah, way back then).  I was totally intrigued and started going to church by myself.  Yes, at age 8 (crazy to think, given that’s Cal’s age) I would walk myself down to the Episcopal Church every Sunday morning. After a while, some of my cousins would agree to meet me there.  I loved church.  I loved everything it stood for.  I became an acolyte, and I was so very proud.  I went to church for years, sometimes more off than on, as I became a bratty teen. I remember wanting to become the first female Episcopalian Bishop and when someone else did, I nearly threw a tantrum, when I found out.  Haha. But anyway, back to being an impressionable 8 year old.  I had such a feeling of trust and love toward Mrs. Emde.  When I was young, I was always outside playing.  You could say I was the consummate tomboy, but growing up in Alaska, a lot of us girls were like that.  I hated being in the house.  When there was nobody to play with, I’d make up my own games.  Hey, kind of like I do now.  Only then, the games weren’t centered on putting someone in uncomfortable positions and making them choose which they would rather, sexual lists, or versions of f/marry/kill.  LOL….  Yes, at one time, I was actually quite innocent.  But I
remember I would just sprint.  I’d have races with myself.  Sometimes I’d pretend that I were racing someone, but for the most part, I would race God.  Yes, God.  I would pretend that God and I were in a 50 yard dash.  This was before I started going to church.  Anyway, I remember telling Mrs. Emde this, when she was having us come up with something or other, and I’ll never forget the look on her face. The look of adoration, and to my surprise, I remember none of the other kids in our group making fun of me.  So, I will segue soon, and trust me there was a reason I went on this rant.  This wasn’t meant to be
about God.  Although, God does still have a strong presence in my life (although I wish my relationship were as close as it once was, and I’ll work on that).  I mean, I’m too fat to be doing 50 yard dashes against God.  I had to be
super-fast to beat him.  If I tried that now, I’d probably end up there with him, halfway through the race.

So, back to my ever creative mind.  Lol. Hey, I just cracked myself up.  THAT’S a good sign….  I woke up at 11 last night (probably fell asleep a little after 9). 
I was up from 11-3 A.M.  MOFO….  Anyway, Karl (from “Meet Karl” fame) and I had put $20 into the big Powerball yesterday. So, when my mind was racing all over the place, I just kept trying to think happy thoughts.  I tried to think about winning the lotto, and how that would feel.  What would it feel like to not have concerns over money?  Well, my brain wouldn’t let me go to any happy places.  It was so frustrating.  So, right now, I’ll think out loud about had we won that lotto (we already know we didn’t win the big one).  My first reaction would be, nobody can ever find out.  You see how money changes people, and how it changes the way people look at you.  I talk about this like I know firsthand, but I really don’t know in my personal experience, but I have seen those types of examples a couple of times in my life. Karl’s a standup guy, so I know we’d have no problems splitting it right down the middle.  The very first
thing I would do would be to buy my house in Vancouver outright.  Ah, the house.  It had me up quite a bit, as a friend went by there last night, and it was left absolutely trashed.  My renter had a cat that had kittens while living there, hamsters, and all sorts of varmints.  I guess the smell is horrid.  The carpet wasn’t in great shape to begin with, but now it is absolutely TRASHED. There’s no saving it.  So, now I won’t be able to have anyone stay there, given the carpet situation.  I can’t very well replace the carpeting for 3k, and then have my short
sale go through in a couple months, now having lost MORE money.  Okay, I’ve gotten off track.  First, I’d buy our house (sounds funny, huh).  And I’d fix that thing up so beautifully.  I really did like the layout of that house.  It would give us a place to stay on our frequent trips to Vancouver.  I’d also buy my Mom a house on the water up in Wrangell.  She deserves it.  I would so love to do something for her like that, one day.  It’s a dream of mine.  I know this sounds silly, but Christmas is coming up.  I would love to be able to send all of my friends a huge wine basket.  I was looking through one of those catalogs last night.  A nice $100 Copola wine basket to like 15-20 people would be awesome…. I don’t know that we’d be able to move right away. The boys are in a good school, and I can’t just up and move them like that.  But we’d sure as hell take them out for travel! We’d first go to Vancouver and then head over to Spokane (where I’d fly Dawn, Jaynee, and my Mom to), so the whole family could visit.  Oh, and not for nothing…I’d buy Tammi a ticket for an 8 day, 7 night cruise, for who and whoever she chooses.  She deserves it in a big way.  Ah, okay my simple dreaming is over.  I’m glad I could do it, though.  I’ve smiled while typing all of this out.  Ah, doing this entry today has made me happy.  Thanks for reading it.

Much love to you all,

Jen

Here’s a great song by the Barenaked Ladies

"If I Had A $1,000,000"


If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you a house (I would
buy you a house)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you
furniture for your house
(Maybe a nice chesterfield or an ottoman)
If I
Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you a K-Car (a nice Reliant
automobile)
If I Had $1000000 I'd buy your love.

If I Had $1000000

I'd build a tree fort in our yard.
If I Had $1000000
You could help, it
wouldn't be that hard.
If I Had $1000000
Maybe we could put put a little
tiny fridge in there somewhere
([Talking:] We could just go up there
and hang out.
Like open the fridge and stuff, and there'd be foods laid out
for us
With little pre-wrapped sausages and things. Mmmmm.
They have
pre-wrapped sausages but they don't have pre-wrapped bacon.
Well can you
blame them. Yeah)

If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you a
fur coat (but not a real fur coat that's cruel)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had
$1000000)
I'd buy you an exotic pet (Like a llama or an emu)
If I Had
$1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you John Merrick's remains (All them
crazy elephant bones)
If I Had $1000000 I'd buy your love

If I Had
$1000000
We wouldn't have to walk to the store
If I Had $1000000
We'd
take a limousine 'cause it costs more
If I Had $1000000
We wouldn't have
to eat Kraft Dinner.
(But we would eat Kraft Dinner. Of course we would, we'd
just eat more.
And buy really expensive ketchup with it.
That's right, all
the fanciest Dijon Ketchup. Mmmmmm.)

If I Had $1000000 (If I Had
$1000000)
I'd buy you a green dress (but not a real green dress, that's
cruel)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you some art (a
Picasso or a Garfunkel)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you
a monkey (haven't you always wanted a monkey?)
If I Had $1000000 I'd buy your
love

If I Had $1000000, If I Had $1000000
If I Had $1000000, If I Had
$1000000
I'd be rich.


 

I'm glad to say that today is much better than yesterday. Today is much
better than it's been in a while.  Yesterday proved to be a very hard day, but I worked hard at staying present.  I made myself make some homemade soup and also initiated a board game with the family.  Today has been very busy.  I
had to take Cal into Chicago for an appt. with his eye surgeon.  The appt. went well.  His strabismus is about the same, so again we go back in six months and evaluate his need for surgery then.  What sucks is, he now has another eye glass prescription.  This is the third new one in a year.  I swear at this rate, the poor boy is going to be wearing Coke bottles before he enters Junior High.  Anyway, there was about 4 hours in the car today to let my mind wander.  And wander it did, but today there was less sadness. It's now 2:35 and I've yet to cry today. I can't remember the last time I made it past 7 a.m. or so, so it's a huge step in the right direction.

I also haven't had soda in two days.  I really need to look at pop as an
accomplice to my depression.  Soda leads to so many unhealthy things for me. 
I need to love myself enough to at least get that shit out of my life permanently.  Anyway, I'm proud of myself for not breaking down and getting some as we were on the road.

I guess I'm not feeling like talking too much today. I don't want to talk
myself into being sad, or remind myself more than I already know about how hard
things have been lately.  I just
wanted to let you guys know that I'm okay.  I'm getting
there.


~Jen

Thanksgiving really did turn out to be a great day.  Brian pitched in and helped me with the meal a bit.  The food turned out really good.  Everyone seemed really happy with the day.  The fam ended the day watching the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special. It was nice to plop us all in one spot for an hour, even if it was watching t.v.  I was also able to talk to my sister Brooke yesterday.  We were laughing about how we were the only ones we'd talked to.  Mom is out working, and I was unable to get in touch with Nealy.  I really am envious of those families that spend the holidays together.  I miss mine terribly, and I wish we talked more and most certainly saw each other more. Brooke was having a great holiday, though.  Her and Maddy had some Wrangell friends in town, and they were making a nice dinner. They wanted to make Moose Milk, so Brooker went to the liquor store to p/u Rum and Brandy.  She told me she's never bought, either.  When she got back, her friends pulled the Bacardi out of the bag and started cracking up laughing.  Brooker had apparently bought 151, but had no idea what it was. LOL.  It's probably a good thing I talked to her before the evening got too late.

Oh, I also spent the morning finishing up the Harry Potter series.  It really was enjoyable.  Karl has lent me the movies, too.  I plan on cracking open a bottle of wine tonight and watching one or two.  I think I may even have Brian talked into watching it with me.

I decided to forego the madness that would've been an early start to Black Friday last night. Instead, Brian and I headed out around 9 this morning.  Much to my shock, just about everything we were looking for was still in stock.  I think this is how I'll do it every year from now on.  There were no lines at Target or Walmart.  The mall was a little nuts, but those dept stores are always sorely understaffed for the big sales.  We also got the boys some really nice, thick snowboarding jackets.  We gave them to them today and told them they were early Christmas gifts.  They do have winter jackets, but it's going to be a brutal ass winter out here this year. Today has been in the 20's and the wind has been a steady 25-35 mph all day.  We had a little bit of snow flurries, but really nothing to get excited about.  I'm not looking forward to the snow at all.  There's no mountains around here, let alone hardly any hills.  Anyway, it was so nice to spend the day with Brian. I know he'd rather be doing other things than shopping, but he did say he was happy to be out with me.  I do love hanging out with the lug.  Although, he did feel a little duped into going (let's just say I'm not a morning person, but I became one for him this morning...) 
He says it was my plan all along, so he'd say yes to shopping with me.  lol  We are nearly done shopping for the boys, and I bought a gift for a friend.  I was also super excited to find Frango Mints.  I remember my Aunt Clara used to buy them every Christmas for us. So, I picked some up for my sisters in hopes that it'll bring back some great memories of when we were younger.  I'm telling you, when you
grow up on an island, you appreciate those "down south" things so much more.

I ordered Brian a Kuerrig (or however it's spelled) for Christmas.  I really hope he likes it.  We usually just do $20 stocking limits, but he works hard and deserves it. It also does tea, so I'm sure I'll get some use out of it, too.  It feels so nice to be so far along w/ the shopping.  I refuse to let myself get stressed by it all this year.  It's not what Christmas is about.

I'm still feeling good in a lot of ways.  I've been doing so much soul searching and thinking about my life lately.  It's all been very healthy.  I'm trying....  I'm still eating way too much and
drinking too much soda.  I've got to get this figured out.  I wish I
could just punch myself in the face  to get my fat ass started.  I'm getting close I know...I hope....  It's a struggle, obviously.

I hope you all are enjoying your time off.  I know it's needed for all of us.  Please take care of yourselves.

~Jen

Ah, another weekend has passed and we are into yet another work week.  I’ve actually been looking forward to this week for well over a month, though.  A 3 day work week….  Hope you all are blessed with the same kind of week.  I really need a few days away from here, but my vacation always seems to go to whatever we have going with the boys.  In fact, I’ll be taking a day off on Monday to take Cal into Chicago for an appt w/ the eye surgeon. 

In a way I’m looking forward to the holiday of Thanksgiving, itself, but I’m not really excited about it. It’ll be a nice day home with the family.  But it will be a very busy for me, cooking, etc.  Brian will have his butt plopped in front of the t.v., and if it’s anything like last year, the boys will be ungrateful in their own ways.  I’ll be missing family a lot.  I really have been lately.  I just remember last year not being so great, so I’m hoping for better this year.

I usually do the Black Friday thing.  Dracy and I used to go every year.  Last year we were out here, and I went by myself.  It’s not at all the same.  So, I’m not sure if I’ll go out this year.  I’ll probably look at the ads on Thanksgiving and talk myself into it, but I kinda hope not.  I remember feeling so lonely last year, being out there at midnight by myself.  Maybe I’ll do more online shopping than I normally do…yeah, that’s the ticket.

This weekend was really, really nice.  I didn’t go out after work on Friday, so it was nice to get an early start with the boys. Plus, it had been such a very busy
week. I think I was asleep around 9 on Friday….  Saturday Caleb had his
first swim meet.  Oh man, it was so incredibly awesome!  He loved, loved, loved it.  He did much better than we thought he would, too.  I’m so grateful that he loves swimming as much as he does.  He will have a couple of weeks off now, and then he’ll start regular swim team (he had just been taking the intro classes).  It will be longer practices and 6 days a week, but at least we’ll be
getting home earlier.  His Intro class didn’t let out until 8 p.m.  We will have quite a bit of crossover between Ryne’s basketball games and Cal’s practices.  I’ve really got to try to find someone who can help out with babysitting Caleb when that happens (with a Driver license).  But I must admit.  For the kids’ sake, if we are going to live in IL, Byron is the perfect place for them. They really do like it here.

After the swim meet, Brian and I went grocery shopping and picked up the food for Thanksgiving.  I really like it when we can spend time just doing simple things together like that.  We’d planned on watching a movie that night, but I think I fell asleep around 8:30 with the lights on in the room and everything. 
Brian said he’d never seen me do anything like that.  Big weekend.  It’s funny how I stay up later in the week than I do on the weekends.

Yesterday was a good mix of football, cleaning, laundry, and mostly reading.  I’m nearly done w/ book 6 of the Harry Potter series.  It’s getting really good…  I did a good job of just keeping to myself and the family this weekend.  I kinda needed it.  There wasn’t much texting between friends or any of that.  It was a nice break from everything.

Lately I’ve been feeling pretty good about things.  I know some of it’s due to the fact that I’ve been shutting my mind down by reading (that’s probably the only time my mind doesn’t wander much).  But I’ve needed it.  I feel really good about Brian and the boys.  It’s certainly not always easy, but in my life it’s the one thing I’ve really done right.  I can’t go back in time and make better school/career decisions.  I can’t go back in time, and make different decisions on how I’d deal with stress and food.  I can’t go back in time and make people love me or give me more love than they are capable of.  That’s really something I struggle with. So, I’ve just been thinking I need to make the most of what my life is.  I have so many positive things/people in my life.  I need to continue with the things in my life that make me feel good.  I know that means I need to
get my diet and exercise together…and I know that means I need to let go of the
things I can’t control.  I feel good about my progress in the ability to move forward, lately.  The exercise and diet are coming…I know it.  I don’t know why I’m not doing it now.  I really need it in order to feel more complete.

Anyway, I’ve put the Scientist on here before, but I heard it coming into work this morning.  It brought my thoughts this morning, to what I would change if I could go back.  But mostly I think I would’ve been kinder to myself.  The thing I still need to do.  I need to quit beating myself up over everything.  But I guess if I could go back, that’s where it all starts.  The things that shape you when you’re young. I don’t know how I could change them, but I wish, just as everyone does, that I knew I was going to turn out okay. That I was a worthy person.  Ever since I can remember, I’ve never felt good enough.  I really wish I could go back and find some tools that would’ve helped me through the things that shaped me that way.  Maybe then I wouldn’t be 40 years old and still thinking about them.  Anyway, I’m good.  I really am.  I’m just working on feeling great.

Much Love,

Jen

"The Scientist"

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely
you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you
apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to
the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart


Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said
it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the
start.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles
apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Don't speak as loud as my
heart
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the
start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are


Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it
was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the
start

Ooooohhhhhhh [x4]


 

Sorry, I’ve been MIA. I’ve been crazy busy with things with the boys.  Most nights I don’t get home until after 8, between swim practice and basketball practice/games.  I’m sure I would’ve been better about keeping up with the blog, if I felt as if I had something inspiring to add, but unfortunately my eating has been out of control.  It’s really been bad…  I’d been PMS’ing, and am finally on Day 2 of the bitch, but that’s not an excuse. There really should never be any excuses for treating my body like I’m doing.  All in all, things have been pretty good.  I’ve had my regular ups and downs as anyone would have, but there’s no reason for me to continue beating my body up.

I had an outstanding weekend.  It started on Friday when I had a couple of beers after work with a couple of coworkers. We played darts (my new favorite thing), and I didn’t overdo it.  I got home at a nice early hour.  Cal needed his Mama, so I let him sleep with me.  Brian actually likes sleeping in Cal’s bed, so he was okay with it J  Our kids have better mattresses than we do.  I love it when Cal sleeps with me.  I love to watch him, just breathe.  Anyway, it was a great weekend full of quality family time with Brian and the boys.  Saturday night was also particularly awesome.  H.P. and I had a Skype date set up, but her camera wasn’t working, so we just had a phone date instead.  We sat and chatted and drank for around 3 hours.  Now, I’m not necessarily a phone person, but OMG, it was so perfect.  Of course, I would’ve much preferred that we were in person hanging out, but this was the next best thing.  It was so very nice.  I really miss hanging out with my good friends.  It doesn’t hurt of course, that’s H.P. is one of my favorite ppl on the face of the planet.  I’d be hard pressed to mention many ppl that care about me the way she does.  The feeling is totally mutual, too.  The great weekend continued on with football on Sunday.  It was such a nice day.  Unfortunately, Brian ended up getting called into work later on Sunday.  It was about that time, that I started getting the horrible, horrible cramps.  I felt like puking.  The anxiety started to set in.  I
recognized it and started to clean and do anything to keep myself really busy.  It just kept getting worse and worse.  I wanted to take something for it, but I won’t do that if I’m home alone with the kids.  It kinda knocks me out.  I finally made myself go to bed around 11 (poor Brian was still working), but the anxiety got really bad after I drifted off to sleep.  I woke up around 2, and it was as bad as it’s ever been.  No matter how hard I tried to think about positive things, my mind just kept punishing me, and my body got that terrible feeling. I was so frustrated.  Again, I thought about taking something, but by then, it was too close to when I’d need to get up for work.  I wouldn’t be able to drive.  So, the hellacious night was what it was….I survived, though.  I came to work looking like shit and feeling like shit….  I wasn’t sure how I’d make it through the day. 
The anxiety was still in my chest and head.  Anyway, early that morning a good friend got a hold of me to tell me that her husband had called her the night
before asking for a divorce.  OMG.  My heart just ached for her.  It’s such a helpless feeling to know that there’s really nothing you can do for someone when they’re hurting like that.  She’s been in a ton of pain.  I can’t imagine how
hard that would be, especially when there are kids involved. Anyway, I’m trying to be there for her best I can.  But when someone’s going through that, prayers and lending an ear are really all you can do….  So, I thought a lot about her situation and have tried to use it in dealing with this nasty bout of anxiety I have this week.  She has a situation worthy of anxiety.  I just have it…I get it over the silliest of things….  I’ve really been trying hard to work on it this week.

In all, I’ve been trying to work on a lot of things lately.  I’ve been trying to limit the things in my life that do cause me anxiety. There are many things I can’t control, but I do have control in terms of actually trying to tackle my own issues. Some are so tiny and unworthy of occupying my thoughts, while some of course are things that anyone would wrestle with.  It’s the tiny things that I’m really trying to get rid of now.  I think I’m doing a good job of battling them, though.  In many ways, I feel healthier than I have in quite some time.  I have a peace within that leaves me wanting more and more peace.  I’ll keep working on it.  It’ll always be a work in progress, but I’ll take every little step I’m able to take.

Today has been super busy at work.  I love it when it’s like this.  Even though it’s been really busy, Tammi and I made time to chat a little this morning. That’s always an awesome balance for me. Working hard, but getting in my girl time, too.  Chatting with her is always one of the highlights of my work day.  And I know she feels the same, as she’s awesome about telling me that :)

Although I’ve been super busy, my mind has still been going all over the place.  I feel the anxiety come on, and then I think happy thoughts. I’ve thought a lot about Brian and the boys today.  I’m lucky in that they provide me with happiness on a daily basis.  I thought about seeing Ryne make a basket last night (this is his first year playing, and it’s not coming to him real naturally, yet). Ryne had made a basket the night before, but it was an out of town game, and I couldn’t be in two places at once and was unable to make it (part of the anxiety from Sunday, knowing I was going to miss it).  I’ve thought about Cal’s first swim meet this weekend.  He’s so freaking excited.  I love it. I’ve thought about my husband who always manages to love me, even when I can’t sometimes love my own self.  And I’ve kept my mind busy thinking about my favorite times with friends over the years.  I’ve thought a lot about Dracy today.  She turned 40 yesterday.  I’m an asshole, and her flowers won’t get there until today, but I know she’ll forgive me and love them as much as if they got there on time.  Anyway, I’ve thought about playing Rummy with Dracy until all hours of the night in college.  We’d listen to country music and just play game after game.  I’ve thought about when Margaret and Jody and I used to hang out at Lindo all the time.  That was such a fun time….  I’ve thought about H.P. and one of the first times she ever went out w/ me and my friends. 
We left work super early and we all went to a sports bar.  We all played lots of bar games, and I remember how well H.P. fit in with my friends. It was also the day the “notes” started. Once she started that, I knew she was someone I always wanted to be friends with.  Perfect.  I’ve thought about our first Autism Mom’s retreat weekend.  What a great time, and it was the beginning of some very meaningful relationships.  I’ve also thought about when email really started to be a thing that was used every day. Amy and I would email nearly every day, and it was so fun.  It was so new.   This is back before IM, frequent cell phone use, and texting.  So, when you got personal emails at work, it was just plain fun. Anyway, lots of great memories today. I’m proud of myself for
keeping such a positive head on my shoulders today when my anxiety and period want to get the best of me.  I hope you all are feeling good, too.  It’s not always easy or natural.  But it’s what we do….  Being happy sometimes takes more work than we think it should.  But it’s worth it.  It’s our one shot at life on this earth, so let’s all fucking enjoy the hell out of it.

Wishing you all a wonderful “Over the Hump Day.”


Much Love,


Jen


Of course, here’s some more P!nk…. 
Oldie but a goodie!


"Don't Let Me Get Me"


Never win first place, I don't support the team
I can't take
direction, and my socks are never
clean
Teachers dated me, my parents
hated me
I was always in a fight cuz I can't do nothin'
right


Every day I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin'
back at me
I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own
worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't
wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

I wanna be
somebody else, yeah

LA told me, "You'll be a pop star,
All you have
to change is everything you are."
Tired of being compared to damn Britney
Spears
She's so pretty, that just ain't me

Doctor, doctor won't you
please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm
a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy

Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend
no more
I wanna be somebody else

Don't let me get me
I'm my own
worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't
wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

Doctor, doctor
won't you please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?

Don't let me get me

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy

Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my
friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

Well, damn.  I shit the bed on the second day.  I set myself up for failure by not eating enough the first day.  My head was killing me, and my tummy was a mess.  The next morning I wasted a bunch of my time by going to an appt w/ the breast surgeon.  I drove an hour to get there, and then waited 50 mins for him, for him to spend 2 mins with me.  He didn’t even look at the area, which I know he was supposed to do.  I was so pissed by then I didn’t even call him out on it. I just wanted out of there.  I then spent the next hour and 15 driving to work.  I was so pissed that I wasted all that time, energy, stress, gas, work, on that freaking appt.  Basically
he told me the calcifications were caused by cysts that had burst and that I
have some overgrowth of something or other, but it’s of no concern. 
He then handed me a slip to have another mammogram in 6 months.  It set me off….  I didn’t do as bad as I normally would, eating wise, but I did far from
great.  I was proud of myself in staying away from the Pepsi, though.

So, I’ve been meeting some of my goals this week.  I’ve been getting to bed
early (only now I’m waking up at 4 and unable to get back to sleep….), I’ve
really limited the soda consumption (had 2 this week), made time to reflect on
what’s important to me, etc.  I have not worked out, yet.  So, I’ve backed myself into a corner.  I need to get my 30 mins in a day everyday through Sun.  I’m going to stick to it.

Holy moly have I been homesick lately.  In a really, really bad way.  Part of what got to me yesterday, also, was a wintery mix including snow.  I’m not ready for this.  It gets way too cold out here.  Brian is really homesick, too.  I don’t know that I really miss living in Vancouver.  I could be happy anywhere in the N.W.  It would just be nice to know we had access to family and friends. 
I’ve been thinking a lot about Thanksgiving and how I wish we could spend
it with family. It appears that the sale of our Vancouver house fell through. 
Because it looked like the sale was going through, I gave my friend a heads up.  She panicked a bit, and found another house. So, she’s moving out soon, and I have to figure out what to do with the house.  I don’t want it sitting vacant. 
I’m responsible for it….  Brian and I just dream of packing up and moving back to the house.  Man, I wish he could find work in the N.W.  I would give anything just to hug my sisters and friends… I really, really would...

On a positive note, I bought my first IL lottery tix today.  I bought them for Karl and me to split, since he gave me the idea.  So, maybe my $5 will parlay into a 3M payout for Karl and I to split tonight.  We’ve already talked about what vacations we’ll be taking with our families.  Feels good to dream!

Oh, and I intentionally don’t talk politics on here….  I am as Liberal is it comes, and very proud of it.  Most of my family and friends are Republicans (having grown up in Alaska). The commentary on Facebook lately, has been bugging the hell out of me.  The stuff that comes out of some people’s mouths…..  So, I am super glad the elections are over, and even more glad that Obama remains our president.  Ooh, and happy that WA and CO now allow for recreations marijuana usage.  LOL.  If I ever move to those states I might have to check it out.  I’d probably choke to death, though.  I wouldn’t even remember how to do it.  But I do like the idea of it :)

So this is the one and only time I’ll be political on this blog.  But today’s song is: Dear Mr. President by Pink. She wrote this about W.  I find it completely
brilliant.  A friend of mine hates it so much, that she killed Pink in f/m/k because of it, even though that’s her favorite singer.  Lol  Solid gold…

Hope you’re all having a wonderful day!

Jen


6:15  Smoothie (water, spinach, flax seed, banana, frozen blueberries)

9:30 
20 oz Diet Coke


12:45 
Footlong Veggie sandwich (on wheat, all the veggies and some light honey
mustard)



Dear Mr. President,
Come take a walk with me.
Let's pretend
we're just two people and
You're not better than me.
I'd like to ask you
some questions if we can speak honestly.

What do you feel when you see
all the homeless on the street?
Who do you pray for at night before you go to
sleep?
What do you feel when you look in the mirror?
Are you proud?


How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother
has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?

Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why?

Dear Mr.
President,
Were you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
Are you a
lonely boy?
How can you say
No child is left behind?
We're not dumb and
we're not blind.
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pave the road
to hell.

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights
away?
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were
gay?
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long
way from whiskey and cocaine.

How do you sleep while the rest of us
cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do
you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye?


Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me
tell you 'bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them
away
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard
box
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don't
know nothing 'bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
Oh

How do you
sleep at night?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Dear Mr.
President,
You'd never take a walk with me.
Would
you?

One should always put their health first, but that’s not something I do most of the time.  If you read my last entry, you know the fear I’ve gone through lately.  I also consider it a wakeup call in a huge, huge way.  I need to take better care of myself: plain and simple.  So, here I go again…scratch that again, here I go.  I’m ready.  I’m inspired and
excited.  I know what works for me:
what works for really everyone that’s ever done it.  I need to eat
whole foods.  I need to eliminate
that processed bullshit.  It’s amazing the crap that goes into the food we buy.  The U.S. has the most lenient laws when it comes to our food sources.  Honestly, the U.S. is the most lenient of all industrialized countries.  A lot of the stuff that we find as staples in our processed foods are actually banned in othercountries.  In countries where politicians aren’t for hire and where special interest groups don’t dictate law.  I mean, really….it’s funny that a lawsuit was allowed against Oprah for saying she wasn’t going eat beef anymore after seeing what Mad Cow did.  It’s all so crazy to me….  We have free speech, so long as you don’t upset the Cattle Assoc. So, I’m thankful as I set out on this journey, I’m not starting a square one.  I’m glad that I’ve got a lot of reading and research under my belt and know which way I’d like to go.  This of course, means giving up my beloved soda.  Oh, it’s crack to me alright.  I always seem to come back to it no matter how long I’m off.  I know regular soda is essentially sugar in a bottle, and I know that Diet is essentially poison.  Really. Brian is actually working on giving up his Diet Coke addiction, too.  I’m so relieved.  He probably drinks 2-3  32 oz. Diet Cokes a day.  And when I’m at my worst, I’m kinda right there with him, whether it be regular or Diet….I might drink 2-3 20 oz bottles a day.

Brian and I went shopping yesterday and got prepared for the week.  I made this huge soup…but I can’t remember the name of it….from Eat to Live. I’ll have to add it tonight.  Good Lord I do hate chopping and spending so much time in the kitchen.  I also made 4 days’ worth of juice.  And yes, I hate juicing,
too.  It’s a pain in the ass.  But once I’m all done, and I see what I’ve made, it makes my day.  I just need to start buying that $1 lotto tix 3x a week, so there’s hope of someone making my healthy meals for me :)  When I initially dropped most meat (still allow for seafood and eggs, although I plan on really limiting that) and lost weight and people kept commenting on my skin. I’d always get asked: what do you eat? So, going with the spirit of one of the reasons I started this blog: I’ll be adding what I’m eating.  You’ll see that I’m eating a lot.  But I don’t eat enough, if you are to really follow the Eat to Live philosophy.  I need to work on that this time.  These types of foods really do fill me up.  Anyway, I have a section on books and cookbooks that might interest you, if you’d like to go on this journey with me.  Or, maybe you’re more comfortable in changing one thing about your diet/lifestyle per week.  Maybe you want to cut out fast food, soda, salt or what have you.  Each step is a vital one in your journey.  Your body will thank you for it.  I was talking to a good friend last night and we were lamenting about how great we feel when we eat well, and how we actually feel like shit when we don’t.  Yet, we always seem to get back to our bad habits. 
My excuse of stress (which I handle so incredibly poorly) is no longer my get out of jail free card.  I’ve been working on dealing with it in a more healthful manner.

My goals for this week:

Eat as clean as I can. If I have some hiccups this week, move forward and past it.  Slip ups won’t become a permanent thing.

Get rid of most soda/caffeine…..  I will allow for some tea, though.  In being off of soda this last time, I did develop a taste for iced tea (no sugar), and I’ve always loved hot tea (since I was a little girl and drinking it with my Grandma Mona).   With the hot tea, I’ll try to drink mostly herbal, though (no caffeine).  The headaches get nasty, so if I need a few sodas in my weaning process, I’ll allow for that.

Get 30 minutes of exercise 5x between today and Sunday


Bedtime of 9:30…. This will be a toughie, but I do so much
better when sleep agrees to be my friend.

I also need to make sure I spend time each day thinking of what I’m thankful for (outside of my prayers).

Long term goals:

Off of all meds….I now takes pills for high blood pressure, anxiety, and depression.  It’s a very realistic goal to get off of this stuff. I’ve seen how much diet relates to each of these issues I have.

Get around the 170 or 165 mark

Find something to do for a living that I’m inspired by

My friend is taking a different approach than me this week.  She’s juicing and allowing for raw fruits and veggies.  She’ll be doing this through this work week.  It’s a cleanse, if you will.  I’m so excited to see how she does.  She’s stronger than I am :)


There are many different paths to good health, but I really am a firm believer, in the more fruits and veggies the better.  So, hopefully whatever path you take, I really do hope that it includes lots of fresh fruits and veggies.  Let me know if you’re wanting to take this journey with us.

Much Love,

Jen


6:30  Smoothie (spinach, water, flax seed, banana, frozen blueberries)
7:45  Hot Herbal Mint Tea
12:00  Salad (romaine and kale) w/ light honey mustard dressing, homemade veggie soup
3:00  Large glass of green juice (see recipe)
5:30  Bowl of Kashi cereal w/ rice milk

****I absolutely didn't eat enough today...  Sugar and caffeine withdrawls were not fun gave me a huge headache and upset tummy.

This morning I looked, and this has been going on since Sept.  17.  I finally got my “no cancer” answer today.  Praise the Lord….  Anyway, I wrote this while I was still waiting to hear what my results were.  It’s a journey that ends as well as I could’ve hoped.  I’ve definitely learned a lot from this process, though….

-The past 4 weeks or so have been interesting….to say the least.  I’m sure it’s been rather obvious that I’ve been more up and down than usual lately.  I told you a month ago that I was going in for a mammogram.   Starting last year, they are having me do them every 6 months, due to some dense breast tissue.  Each of the previous two times I’d gone in for a mammogram, they’ve had to take another look.  I was never worried.  This time when they called saying they
needed to do another one….I took it hard.  I had a bad feeling.  I actually fell apart at work.  I went home for the day.  It was so weird that the previous ones didn’t have an effect on me, but this one did. It was a really busy week for me, so I wasn’t able to come in until the following Mon.  Brian knew I was having a tough time, so he came into that appt. with me. Previously, after the 2 mammograms, the person who looks at the pictures would come tell me that everything was okay, and just to come back in 6 mos.  This time, they told me my Dr. would call me.  I knew what that meant.  The next day my Dr’s nurse called to tell me that there was a little concern over a small cluster of calcifications that had formed since the last mammo.  It had nothing to do with the dense tissue they’d been keeping an eye on.  Anyway, calcifications aren’t
too much to get excited over, as we tend to get them as we get older.  It’s still so weird for me to think that I’m 40.  It’s almost like the last 20 years never happened.  The concern was that the calcifications came on more quickly than they’d like to see.  So, it was the opinion of the person doing the mammo that I get a biopsy done, or because it’s still very small, wait 3 months or so, and then have another mammo to see where it’s at.  I just remember Sheryl Crow
talking about getting a “bad” mammo, and them telling her to come back in 6
mos., which she had planned on doing.  But she told a Dr. friend about this, and they said you never wait.  Why wouldn’t you just get it checked now?  So, I had that in my head, but then the Nurse said the Dr. wanted me to get the biopsy and not wait.  So, it felt good that we were all on the same page.

It was this next stage that took forever.  I had to wait a couple of weeks to get
in to see the surgeon about the biopsy. Leading up to that appointment, I had a lot of fear and emotion.  I wanted to get it all over with.  The two weeks leading up to the surgeon certainly took its toll on me.  I
thought a lot (and still do think about Gail and all she went through).  I also beat the absolute shit out of myself during the whole process.  I was/am so angry with putting myself at higher risk for cancer, due to my weight and lack of exercise.  It hasn’t been fun to be me, lately.

Brian went to see the surgeon with me.  It was not a great first meeting.  He asked why I was there, and then kind of cut us off and acted as if we were wasting his time.  He said, they weren’t even looking for this.  They were supposed to be looking at dense tissue.  This tiny cluster could just be a difference in the way they took the pictures….  What do you want to do?  I said, I want to know.  He then did an ultrasound in his office and saw the cluster and realized it wasn’t just a difference in the way they took the photos….  He then
scheduled me (for the next day) another mammo.  They also scheduled the biopsy at that time for another 2 ½ weeks out or something like that.  I drove the hour each way the next day to get the third mammo in less than a month….  Of course that mammo came back with the same results as the other two.  Only with this one I got a letter stating that I needed to meet with my Dr. to start a treatment plan and that this mammo was now part of my permanent record with the hospital.  This pissed me off….  For the first time in my life, I am without life insurance.  And now a mammo is part of my permanent record, even if it’s nothing? Which of course fucks me for insurance purposes.  I’m still
pissed about this.  Plus, there was/is no reason to figure a treatment plan before the biopsy.  The whole process has been really frustrating. Most biopsies come back non-cancerous.

The biopsy was two days ago. What I expected from a core biopsy and what it is turned out to be are two completely different things.  I hadn’t done any research on the internet as I found it all to be too scary.  I had searched the
calcification cluster and learned that “only “ 20% of them turned out to be
cancer.  I was really hoping/thinking the % would be lower.  I mean, if someone told you that you had a 20% chance of winning the lottery, you’d be totally stoked and excited.  So, 20% was just too high for me to hear.  That was the end of my internet research.  What I thought they’d do is go in with a needle and just take a sample out of one of the calcifications.  The first step is to get you all set up on the table.  You’re lying flat on your belly, with your boob through a hole in the bottom of the table.  Then a bunch more mammo pics are taken to figure out what angle to come in, etc. Once everything got set up, the surgeon came in.  This time he was much more personable and dare I say, caring.  I knew of 2 techs/nurses in there, the surgeon, and then I could hear the voices of two other ppl, but I’m not sure who they were.  The mammo tech and nurse take turns kind of being up by your head to make sure you’re staying still and for overall support.  They kind of stroke your hair and act in a very compassionate manner.  I was very surprised to find myself emotional during the actual procedure (which is about 10-15 mins long).  I thought of Gail and others I’d known with breast cancer.  I thought about the fear that must’ve gone through them.  I thought of how many times Gail must’ve had to go through this, as she’d be cancer free for a while and then the fucking thing always came back.  I thought about the anxiety she must’ve felt every single time, and how it would be worse, because she knew the road ahead.  Thoughts of her and others, along with the disappointment of how I’ve treated my body caused me to have some tears.  Really, I could never have anticipated that.  So, during the procedure he went in and cut out the 5 or 6 tiny calcifications I had, along with some surrounding tissue.  I didn’t realize they would be taking it all out during that procedure. As I mentioned, I thought it was just a tiny test.  I felt fairly good afterward, but I bled more than they normally see.  That was odd to me, because I’ve never been much of a bleeder (outside of Aunt Flow).  After keeping me for a while, they finally had to wrap my boobs tight with some large Ace type bandages, over some gauze.  I was then told I was going to be sore for a while, because the bleeding was going to cause bruising.  All told, I think from the time I went back, to when I came out was about an hour and 15 mins or so.

From there, Brian and I drove home.  I was a little nauseous, and of course sore, but overall it wasn’t too bad.  I was super tired and drifted off when I got into bed.  I woke up pretty quickly when Brian came in to bring me something for my tummy.  I wasn’t able to go back to sleep the rest of the day.  Man, I was
pissed.  I was so dang tired.  I heard from some concerned friends that day.  My friends are such a big part of my life, they’re like family to me. Brian stayed home the rest of the day with me.  I iced on and off through the day.  Ryne was also home, sick, but was totally clueless as to what was going on.  Brian was very concerned about me, I could tell on the drive home.  He was good about holding my hand while he was driving and stroking my fingers. Once we got home, he kind of went into his man mode, watching t.v., etc.  He did do some cleaning, though, which was good to see.  He wasn’t great about checking on me or bringing my ice, but that was fine.  I wasn’t helpless.  Oh, he also made dinner that night, as they Nurse was sure to tell him I couldn’t do any lifting, not even laundry or cooking.  Haha.

I stayed home yesterday. I’m so glad I took that day off, too. I was pretty darn sore.  I did some reading (finished the 3rd Harry Potter book) and text with some friends and my sisters.  I treated myself to some take out from the local Mexican restaurant and even did some cleaning.  Being it was Halloween day, I actually pulled out some of our decorations, too.  Nothing like being a procrastinator!  I got it a little bit decorated outside, too.  It was a good day
overall.  Oh, and I rec’d 3 dozen roses from Amy and a really cute Teddy Bear from H.P., which she never actually put her name to.  But I knew anything addressed to Jennifer Weekley Stefani was from her. And despite one of G.S’s biggest fans, I’m sure Gwen would never write me a note quite like what came with that bear. Lol.  (BTW, I lovingly named the bear, Titty Bear).  The storm caused the flowers to come a day late, but I was just so happy to get them.  I felt really blessed to have ppl like that in my life.  I didn’t tell many people about what was going on, but I’m so blessed to have those that I did keep me in their
prayers.

And here I am today (Thursday, back at work).  I’m still sore, but it’s a different type of sore today.  It’s not as bad if I made contact with the tit, but it’s just sore in general even without being hit.  Hoping to have it be all the way gone in a couple of days.  I’m supposed to get a call today or tomorrow with the results.  I then have an appt. with the surgeon on Tues morning.  And I know I’m
supposed to do another mammo in 6 mos.  So, my fingers are crossed that’s it’s good news.  In the meantime, I thought I’d write out the process in anticipation of it all being good news and that I can share the last 4 or 5 weeks with you.  It’s been hard for me not to say anything.  I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I tend to say what I have on my mind.  And this has been on my mind ;)  

****I’m still floating on Cloud 9 at the results.  I really did expect the worst.  I just had a terrible feeling….  But praise be to God.  I get yet another chance to
turn my life around to a healthy purpose.  And best of all, H.P. won’t be forced to have her hair shaved.  I know how much that would’ve killed her.  Again, thank God for friends who are like family to me.  They’ve helped me through this and kept me laughing along the way.

Happy Friday!

All my love,

Jen