In a way I’m looking forward to the holiday of Thanksgiving, itself, but I’m not really excited about it. It’ll be a nice day home with the family. But it will be a very busy for me, cooking, etc. Brian will have his butt plopped in front of the t.v., and if it’s anything like last year, the boys will be ungrateful in their own ways. I’ll be missing family a lot. I really have been lately. I just remember last year not being so great, so I’m hoping for better this year.
I usually do the Black Friday thing. Dracy and I used to go every year. Last year we were out here, and I went by myself. It’s not at all the same. So, I’m not sure if I’ll go out this year. I’ll probably look at the ads on Thanksgiving and talk myself into it, but I kinda hope not. I remember feeling so lonely last year, being out there at midnight by myself. Maybe I’ll do more online shopping than I normally do…yeah, that’s the ticket.
This weekend was really, really nice. I didn’t go out after work on Friday, so it was nice to get an early start with the boys. Plus, it had been such a very busy
week. I think I was asleep around 9 on Friday…. Saturday Caleb had his
first swim meet. Oh man, it was so incredibly awesome! He loved, loved, loved it. He did much better than we thought he would, too. I’m so grateful that he loves swimming as much as he does. He will have a couple of weeks off now, and then he’ll start regular swim team (he had just been taking the intro classes). It will be longer practices and 6 days a week, but at least we’ll be
getting home earlier. His Intro class didn’t let out until 8 p.m. We will have quite a bit of crossover between Ryne’s basketball games and Cal’s practices. I’ve really got to try to find someone who can help out with babysitting Caleb when that happens (with a Driver license). But I must admit. For the kids’ sake, if we are going to live in IL, Byron is the perfect place for them. They really do like it here.
After the swim meet, Brian and I went grocery shopping and picked up the food for Thanksgiving. I really like it when we can spend time just doing simple things together like that. We’d planned on watching a movie that night, but I think I fell asleep around 8:30 with the lights on in the room and everything.
Brian said he’d never seen me do anything like that. Big weekend. It’s funny how I stay up later in the week than I do on the weekends.
Yesterday was a good mix of football, cleaning, laundry, and mostly reading. I’m nearly done w/ book 6 of the Harry Potter series. It’s getting really good… I did a good job of just keeping to myself and the family this weekend. I kinda needed it. There wasn’t much texting between friends or any of that. It was a nice break from everything.
Lately I’ve been feeling pretty good about things. I know some of it’s due to the fact that I’ve been shutting my mind down by reading (that’s probably the only time my mind doesn’t wander much). But I’ve needed it. I feel really good about Brian and the boys. It’s certainly not always easy, but in my life it’s the one thing I’ve really done right. I can’t go back in time and make better school/career decisions. I can’t go back in time, and make different decisions on how I’d deal with stress and food. I can’t go back in time and make people love me or give me more love than they are capable of. That’s really something I struggle with. So, I’ve just been thinking I need to make the most of what my life is. I have so many positive things/people in my life. I need to continue with the things in my life that make me feel good. I know that means I need to
get my diet and exercise together…and I know that means I need to let go of the
things I can’t control. I feel good about my progress in the ability to move forward, lately. The exercise and diet are coming…I know it. I don’t know why I’m not doing it now. I really need it in order to feel more complete.
Anyway, I’ve put the Scientist on here before, but I heard it coming into work this morning. It brought my thoughts this morning, to what I would change if I could go back. But mostly I think I would’ve been kinder to myself. The thing I still need to do. I need to quit beating myself up over everything. But I guess if I could go back, that’s where it all starts. The things that shape you when you’re young. I don’t know how I could change them, but I wish, just as everyone does, that I knew I was going to turn out okay. That I was a worthy person. Ever since I can remember, I’ve never felt good enough. I really wish I could go back and find some tools that would’ve helped me through the things that shaped me that way. Maybe then I wouldn’t be 40 years old and still thinking about them. Anyway, I’m good. I really am. I’m just working on feeling great.
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles
Questions of science, science and progress
Don't speak as loud as my
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the