Ah, this three day weekend was much needed....  I started to write this but found myself bitching about my work situation.  Boo fucking hoo.  I'm getting a paycheck.  I'll just keep reminding myself of that.

We were supposed to go to Vancouver for the weekend, but Brian changed his mind at the last minute.  He's been on the move so much with work, he just wanted to stay home.  He told me I could still go if I wanted to hang out with my friends.  I was supposed to have gone camping one night with friends, so I was a little bummed but also was happy to stay home.  We had a great Saturday as a family.  Sunday, was my friend Tami's birthday, so I decided last minute to head over and hang with her for the day/night.  Brian didn't want to go Seattle, so he and Ryne stayed home and had some good quality time together.  Cal and I went over and hung out with Tami and her son.  We spent several hours at Bullwinkles with the boys.  They had a blast!  Tami and I went to dinner and had a drink before coming  back to her house and watching a movie.  It was definitely the most tame time her and I have ever had together.  We do have that Alaskan party blood that runs through our veins.   I blamed it on her getting older.  haha.  Actually, I'm 3 months older.  Anyway, it was really a wonderful time.  We all went to breakfast this morning before Cal and I came home.  Brian bbq'd tonight, and we've all had a good day.  Again, it's just so funny what an extra day off does for us.

I had a good, raw talk with Tami about my weight issues.  It was good...  I've been thinking about it so much lately.  I need to keep reading this quote at the top of the page over and over I guess.

I hope you've had a wonderful weekend full of laughter and love.

~Jen

I've been laying here this morning thinking about my weight...  I'm now 40 lbs. heavier than when I was so desperate as to start this site....I swear, I thought this site would shame me into losing weight.  I've had my ups and downs, but let's face it: mostly downs, in this weight roller coaster of the past few years.  At this point, the weight is more than uncomfortable.  The excess weight affects my every step.  My knees hurt, or my thighs are rubbing together (actually they're just like one molded part), or like yesterday, I'm reaching down to feel the ripples on the side of my legs as I walk.  I feel the weight pushing down on my organs.  I see the cellulite...  I see it myself in the mirror and can barely recognize myself....  Even the horrible puffiness I have under my eyes has gotten worse.  I swear it makes up half of my face.  Yes, I see it.  No, I'm not saying this all out of self hate.  I'm just acknowledging it.  It's only recently that I've began to appreciate just how bad this weight issue is.  I went without pop for a couple of days at the beginning of the week, and holy shit did it make me bitchy.  I ate good.  My body instantly rewarded me by taking away the heartburn.  But then, I stepped on the scale and had a 10 oz. weight gain.  Now, that's not enough to freak out over, but I did...  I went to McDonald's on my way to work and everyday since.  I feel so overpowered by it all right now.  I'm furious.  I'm more than this.  I'm more than my weight, but my weight is going to kill me....  I know this.  I know I need to change.  My head is so much better in so many ways, than it's been in the past few years.  I'm learning to love myself.  I'm learning to let go of things/situations that aren't healthy for me.  Except for food....  Food doesn't even bring me real pleasure, but a war wages in my head when I'm not eating/drinking what I want.  It's the strangest thing...  I need to beat this.  I have to beat this.  I want to beat this.  I must beat this.  As I'm typing this, I know that today isn't the day I change.  I wish it was.  I know reading this, you're going WTF?  Then change!  I'd be thinking the same fucking thing.  Trust me.  I actually do think the same thing.  I'm scared to get on a plane in July.  I know I'll barely fit into the seat.  I have a friend that I miss but don't dare to see while I look like this.  She loves me, but I can already see the pity and disgust she'll surely have written all over her face.  I'm going home where people mostly still come up and talk to me about the good 'ol championship basketball days.  I'll be ashamed of what's happened to me.  Please let tomorrow be the day....Please God.  Please.

Elizabeth Gilbert posted this a while back.  She's the author of Eat, Pray, Love.  I should re-read that someday soon.  Loved it.  I recently read The Signature of All Things.  I follow her on Facebook and had been hearing about the writing process for the book for quite some time. She often talked about the research she was doing, and once you read the book, you realize, holy shit...you did your research! I hadn't read a book in a while, and I was looking for writing technique and tips on style, etc.  I picked the wrong book.  She is so brilliant!  It makes the thing I'm writing look beyond amateur.  Oh well....it is what it is.  I've done some writing this morning, and it's funny, from a fictitious situation, I find myself in parts of it.  I guess it has to be in there somewhere, for it to come out.

Brian took Ryne to the CWU spring scrimmage yesterday, only to be called in to work as soon as they sat down.  The both of them were really bummed.  I wanted the boys to get out of the house, so I drug them along with me grocery shopping.  I also like them to have a hand in picking out foods, especially the healthy stuff.  I think they're more inclined to eat it, if they chose it.  That, and it's a reason for me to make them eat it, and they fight me less :)  Anyway, back to wanting the boys to get out of the house.  Geez, those kids....I don't understand why they don't play in the back yard, etc.  I'm always trying to get them out there.  It's just so different from how I grew up.  I remember you couldn't keep me inside.  I would leave the house first thing in the morning and many times not come home until late.  Now, I've become a homebody...  I miss that person that always wanted to be outside.  I'm getting closer to her, though.  I'm going on a nice walk by the river today.  Brian took Jesse out for a walk this morning, so I'll even leave her behind.  It'll just be me, myself, and I.  I'm looking forward to it....  I have to say that my head is in a really good space right now.  I feel it's time to get started on this weight loss journey.  I'm ready to feel even better about myself.  Not too long ago, one of my good friends told me they wished they had my "passion."  I laughed it off, because I feel like I haven't had real passion in quite some time.  But I do miss that passion for life that I'm capable of having.  I love the feeling of living in the moment.  I don't do that enough now, and I hadn't been doing it for quite a while.  A person doesn't get to be this weight without losing their zest for life.  So, today, I'll take special note to smell the smell of walking through the woods.  I'll take special note to see what the birds are doing.  I'll imagine the things that make me happiest, like going to a concert, or having one of those moments where you laugh so hard you have to do a kegel exercise, which may or may not work.  I'm not going to waste my energy being angry at myself for missing out on those things for so long, but I need to remember what that existence was like...I need to remember to keep going forward.  I hope you all are able to do the same.

Oh, I absolutely love the lyrics to this song.  I know that I've spent so much time trying to fit into this box that society puts on us, that I haven't allowed myself to feel good about being who I am.  I'm finally starting to embrace the fact that I might be even more different than I've often thought.  Here's to having our own original thoughts and visions of what's cool and what mean happiness for us.

Much Love,

Jen

"Follow Your Arrow"



If you save yourself for marriage
You're a bore
If you don't save yourself for marriage
You're a horrible person
If you won't have a drink
Then you're a prude
But they'll call you a drunk
As soon as you down the first one

If you can't lose the weight
Then you're just fat
But if you lose too much
Then you're on crack
You're damned if you do
And you're damned if you don't
So you might as well just do
Whatever you want
So

Make lots of noise
Kiss lots of boys
Or kiss lots of girls
If that's something you're into
When the straight and narrow
Gets a little too straight
Roll up a joint, or don't
Just follow your arrow
Wherever it points, yeah
Follow your arrow
Wherever it points

If you don't go to church
You'll go to hell
If you're the first one
On the front row
You're self-righteous
Son of a-
Can't win for losing
You'll just disappoint 'em
Just 'cause you can't beat 'em
Don't mean you should join 'em

So make lots of noise
Kiss lots of boys
Or kiss lots of girls
If that's something you're into
When the straight and narrow
Gets a little too straight
Roll up a joint, or don't
Just follow your arrow
Wherever it points, yeah
Follow your arrow
Wherever it points

Say what you think
Love who you love
'Cause you just get
So many trips 'round the sun
Yeah, you only
Only live once

So make lots of noise
Kiss lots of boys
Or kiss lots of girls
If that's what you're into
When the straight and narrow
Gets a little too straight
Roll up a joint, I would
And follow your arrow
Wherever it points, yeah
Follow your arrow
Wherever it points

Oh, the weekend.  This work week really was not fun.  I've only been at my new job 3 weeks, but I've known since the first day: this place just isn't for me.  I've gone back and forth with myself every day about it.  To be fair, I don't know at this point exactly what I would like.  I know I'm sick of purchasing.  At the same time, I know purchasing will pay better than doing something entirely different for the first time.  Anyway, my boss is a full on micromanager.  I've never seen anything like it.  I can tell she's a good person, but I know that working for her just isn't going to work for me.  She copies me on all of her emails and expects me to do the same.  I can understand her reasoning in that there's only two of us in the department, so she wants each of us to know what's going on...but there's more to it than that.  I have this skit in my head about it: copy her on work email, work email, work email, then an email to my friend explaining how I had messy period sex the night before, or anal, something along those lines, work email, etc.  It's funny in my head :)    I've never seen anyone so insecure.  I've already heard others talk about her being a micromanager and hard to work for, etc.  I don't say anything of course in return, but it's fucking obvious at every level.  She told me why it didn't work out with her last buyer, as he was "talking about her behind her back," which of course included him calling her a micromanager.  In that same conversation, she told me who I couldn't "trust" there, etc.  She's even trying to control who I talk to.  I told her that I'm social by nature, and I'm going to ask people how there night was and stuff like that.  But I also said, I'm 42, and I don't get involved in office gossip, etc.  She had Friday scheduled off, so we went over everything.  All was fine, but she still felt the need to text me on my personal phone Thursday night to let me that her boss wasn't as mad as her as she thought about something she'd run out of that day.  Um, yeah...I could go on, but I won't.  I'm just bitching.  I've got to find something closer....soon, before we waste any more of our time.  In the meantime, each morning I'll make myself get out of bed at the thought of making x amount of dollars that day.  I can tell you that yesterday was my first full check, though. Thank God.  I did feel really good about that.  It feels good to be a contributor again.

I'm still doing really shitty on my eating.  I plan on going to the store tonight and stocking up on good food.  I'm so ready...  I'm eating like crap, but I'm not taking pleasure in what I'm eating.  The soda consumption has especially been out of control.  This morning, (while drinking a soda), I thought about coffee drinkers.  The thing is, when people drink coffee they really seem to enjoy it.  You can see the warmth go through them as they take their first drink.  I need to get there with food and drink in general.  I want to enjoy the taste again.  I've been eating like an out of control 5 year old at a birthday party lately.  I've been eating any and everything.  The worse for me it is, the more I seem to eat.  I've got to break this.  I feel a deep need to grab some control in my life.  For the past several years everything has felt so far out of my grasp.  I can't get a handle on everything.  I hate moving, and we may be doing it again.  I haven't felt "settled" in years now.  So, I feel the need to take control, and my weight is the obvious choice.  Plus, JC, I'm tired of feeling like shit.  I'm taking Tums nearly every day, sometimes several times a day.  When I eat better, I have tons more energy, and never, ever have heartburn.  If all of these things are going on around me, maybe controlling my weight may make other things easier to accept.

It's also been a long time since I feel like I really finished anything.  So, I've been really making it a point to work on the book.  I'm pretty bitchy today, but still I put in a good couple of hours on it earlier.  I plan on working on it more tonight, too.  The work week is really hard to get anything done on it, so I've got to make up for it on the weekends.  I don't feel that it's great, but I can only imagine the sense of accomplishment I'll feel when I'm done.  I know that e-books are the way to go, but I must tell you, when I think of the book.  I dream about feeling it in my hands.  I dream about a hard cover.  I dream about giving a copy to those who have inspired some of the characters and stories.  It's funny.  When I began the book, I really thought, that for the most part, the book was going to draw on this one relationship in particular.  It's funny, that I'm over half way through, and this really hasn't been the case.  I've drawn a lot from the friends I grew up with.  There's something to be said for growing up the way we did, on an island in Alaska.  There's just a bond there, that is so magnificent.  The trust and love we all have for one another really is special.  I've always known this, but I guess I didn't realize the extent of it until writing about these strong friendships in the book.  Anyway, it's just one of the cool things I've taken away from the writing process thus far.

Well, I've spoken about deep friendships and the book which have been on the forefront of my mind lately.  Those things, and of course, the love I have for my family have really been driving me toward wanting to get healthy.  I don't want to lose these things.....  As I look at my reflection on my laptop, and I see someone that resembles people when they go undercover in those ridiculous fat suits....I know that I won't live long this way.  Get your shit together Weekley, for fucks sakes! 

I hope this weekend finds you all doing really well!  I really do.  YOLO, as the kids, and some 42 y/o's tend to say ;)

Much Love,

Jen

Today is Ryne's 13th birthday.  I can't even begin to wrap my head around the fact that my son is now a teenager.  There have been hints that he's getting closer...arm pit hair, cheesy terrible semi-mustache coming in...but still, I never really gave thought to him becoming a teenager.  I'll admit: it freaks me out.  In fact, I'm getting even getting more freaked out about it as I type this.  Anyway, leave it to me, to make his birthday about me.  Brian and Ryne both played hooky today and went to Seattle to see the Mariner's play this afternoon.  They had a fantastic day.  Brian always jokes about everything always falling Ryne's way.  To go to the game, everything lined up.  The Mariners were at home, playing a day game, and this is the only Wed. during baseball season that Ryne didn't have a game.  Brian was pretty pumped, too.  I think he might've even been more excited than Ryne about the game.

Cal had a baseball game tonight, so it's been a busy day.  Actually, it's been a crazy, busy week.  I know it's only Hump Day! but sunnava bitch, I'm counting down to Friday.  The commute, the job, the late nights at the ballpark have caught up to me tonight.  By nature, I'm a night owl, and I've been finding it really hard to get to bed early.  It's just that there's no time for me, if I go to bed early.  But right now, typing this is my time.   I enjoy this.  I'm too tired to have anything really clever to say, but it makes me feel good just being on here.  Even if I'm the only one who reads this, I enjoy having a voice again.  And I can't tell you how happy I am, that I'm in a place where I'm not afraid to share my voice or say what's on my mind.  Could it be, that at my fattest and obviously oldest I've ever been, I've freed myself from the worry of what others think?  I'm not all the way there, but mofo, I've come a long ass way.  I'm so very thankful for this....  It's as if I'm free....

I'm too tired to write on the book tonight, but I've been thinking about it a lot.  This last stretch has been the toughest for me.  Apparently I don't even like drama or confrontation when it's in a fictional form.  The big "thing" in the book is completely made up, but I feel so protective of the characters that I'm being very cautious at this point of the book.

Well, I should get some sleep...

Thanks so much for being a part of my life,

Jen

Oh, I heard this song, coming back from the ball field tonight.  It had been a while since I heard it, but I do love Staind.

This is my life, it's not what it was before
All these feelings I've shared
And these are my dreams
That I'd never lived before
Somebody shake me
'Cause I, I must be sleeping,

Now that we're here, so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
An' all the mistakes one life contained
They all finally start to go away

An' now that we're here, it's so far away
An' I feel like I can face the day
An' I can't forget that I'm not ashamed
To be the person that I am today

These are my words
That I've never said before
I think I'm doin' okay
And this is the smile
I've never shown before
Somebody shake me
'Cause I, I must be sleeping

An' now that we're here, it's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
An' all the mistakes one life contained
They all finally start to go away

An' now that we're here, it's so far away
An' I feel like I can face the day
An' I can't forget that I'm not ashamed
To be the person that I am today

I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don't shake me

Now that we're here, it's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
An' all the mistakes one life contained
They all finally start to go away

An' now that we're here, it's so far away
An' I feel like I can face the day
An' I can't forget that I'm not ashamed
To be the person that I am today



Read more: Staind - So Far Away Lyrics | MetroLyrics

I've been trying all day to enjoy the day.  For the first time in quite a while, I didn't get much sleep.  Brian's been wanting to go back to IL pretty much since we got here, and of course I'm happy to be back in the NW.  A position has come up at his old site that he's really excited about.  Big sigh....  I support his career, and I know he misses it out there, but it bums me out.  We'll see what shakes loose with this job, but this is the second time in a month, that he's brought up a position out there.  Even is this doesn't pan out, if I take the time to read the writing on the wall, we'll end up out there sometime anyway.  For now, I'm trying (unsuccessfully) to not think about it.  Sleep loss and working at a job I don't really care for (oh, and on my period...), added for a kinda grumpy gal today.  But I'm glad that I'm home for 1/2 hour before heading to the boys' baseball games.  They play at the same time tonight.  This happens a couple of times a week or so.  Thankfully, the fields are within walking distance of one another.  It's funny...I was so bored for so long, when I wasn't working.  Now, I leave the house at 6 a.m., and with sports a lot of time don't get home until 8:30 p.m.  Still, I am glad to have a routine that gets me out of the house.

I really need to start journaling my food/drink intake.  I've been so very bad for so very long...  I've gotta get my shit together.  I really do.  Sound familiar?  ;) 

I should get ready to head to the fields.  Brian has already taken the boys, and he picked Cal up from swim practice earlier.  Even though it's been a long day, it's even longer for him.  His flight out of TX yesterday was turned back for mechanical issues, so he had to get another flight.  He didn't get home until late, then worked a long day before being on Daddy Duty.  Poor guy.  I am really glad he's home, though.  I did miss him... 

I know it's Monday, but that shouldn't stop us all from having the best day so far this week :)  Hope you're all able to make the most of your night.  I'm heading out to the sunshine!

Much Love,

Jen

Never say never, right?  Well, shit here I am.  I did eventually purchase another site address with another co., but low and behold...I couldn't copy this to the new site.  So...I knew I was going to have to go through the whole thing, save it to Word and export.   Sounds like a nightmare, right?  Exactly.  I only did one entry on the other site.  I've been thinking a lot about the blog, lately.  I'm freaking blessed beyond measure with friends and Brian.  I have outlets.  I have a couple of friends that I talk to nearly every day.  If I need to talk about something, I can do it.  But I must confess, that having this blog is really something that's just for me.  I hate that I sometimes let outside influences sensor what I want to say.  It makes me crazy, but I had the opportunity to do it elsewhere, and I haven't.  So, if I'm anything, I'm loyal.  And I guess that even goes for this site.

I started writing a book a few months ago.  It's coming along, slowly but surely.  There are 6 main characters which are followed from the age of 17 leading up to 40.  The book centers mostly on Sara and Molly, who have been best friends since they were kids.  Sara (recycled my dog's name) is the main character, but it also follows things from Molly's points of view.  I've had a good time writing the book, but I'm up against a bit of writers block.  I started taking it in a different direction than I'd planned, and I think it was based on my mood.  So, I've taken the past couple of weeks off while I figure out how to handle this pivotal moment.  Writing this book has really had a powerful affect on me.  Writing some scenes have made me laugh out loud, cry, and even get crazy horny.  LOL...  It's me, after all, so there are a few kinda heavy sex scenes.  I swear, I'm a 42 year old woman, who has the mind of a 15 year old boy.  Sex always seems to be on my brain.  But you know what?  I embrace it.

I took a job as a purchasing agent about 50 miles from my house.  I've been there about 2 1/2 weeks now.  The job situation is just so bad around this little college town we live in.  Finding something in town, proved impossible...  I was desperate, so I'm glad this came up.  On the other hand, I don't care for it....  I really have to find something in town, before I waste too much of the co's time and my time.  At least I've confirmed what I thought, when I was looking for a job: it's time for a change.  I can say that I'm really glad to have an actual routine, though.  When the kids are in school, unemployment, is not kind to me.  I'm fat.  Really fucking fat.  It really hit home with a picture that someone took of me at a relatives birthday party.  I couldn't believe what I was seeing.  MOFO....  It's gotten way out of hand.  I'm equal to my all-time heaviest.  Shit.  I was doing so good, and then Thanksgiving came and I never quit eating.  I eat fucking everything.  I drink so much pop, that I think that's what's flowing through my veins.  In saying this, you know how hard I am on myself and my weight.  This time is a bit different.  My self-esteem is much higher than it normally is.  I haven't let my weight stop me from seeing people I haven't seen in a while, when it normally would.  I even base coached Cal's game last week.  Yep, I put myself in the position, where people would see me, and think what is the fat fuck doing out there?  But I didn't think about it too much.   Also, one of my closest friends is getting married in our hometown over the 4th of July.  I have flashes of thinking I won't go, because of my weight.  But, most of the time, I'm okay with it.  It's not ideal...but I'm trying not to let my weight keep me from living.  Well, until a heart attack strikes me down, anyway.  So, in a lot of ways, I'm in a really good place.

All of this being said, I have to get a hold on this diet of mine.  I've never been this out of control.  Food has its grips in my every fold.  And I guess when it comes right down to it with this blog, I really, really have the vision of showing successful, inspiring weight loss on here.  I'm hoping that because my head's in such a "healthy" place, that I'm ready...  This week, Laura and I even started making plans for a Moab trip next year.  I'm wanting to be in shape and ready, so I can really enjoy all of the athletic, fun things Moab has to offer.

Oh, a few months ago I went off the antidepressants.  I completely acknowledge that I have depression issues, but I don't think the pills were the answer.  In a lot of regards, I feel better not taking them.  I've also stayed off the anti-anxiety meds.  Every once in a great while, I'll take one, if it hits really hard.  But, that's a far cry from the 4 I used to take every day.  I feel really good about being free from the drugs.  I've started seeing a therapist in town here, and she is really fucking good.  I'm so glad I've found her.  Therapy isn't easy, but I think it's a really healthy thing.  I think it would be really healthy for just about everyone. 

I hope this day finds you happy and healthy.

I'll leave you with words to my current fave song.  Sara B. is a rock star.

Much Love,

Jen

Let the bough break, let it come down crashing
Let the sun fade out to a dark sky
I can't say I'd even notice it was absent
'Cause I could live by the light in your eyes
I'll unfold before you
Would have strung together
The very first words of a lifelong love letter

Tell the world that we finally got it all right
I choose
you
I will become yours and you will become mine
I choose
you
I choose
You, yeah

There was a time when I would have believed them
If they told me that you could not come true
Just love's illusion
But then you found me
And everything changed
And I believe in something again

My whole heart
Will be yours forever
This is a beautiful start
To a lifelong love letter

Tell the world that we finally got it all right
I choose
You
I will become yours and you will become mine
I choose
You
I choose
You

We are not perfect we'll learn from our mistakes
And as long as it takes I will prove my love to you
I am not scared of the elements I am underprepared,
But I am willing
And even better
I get to be the other half of you

Tell the world that we finally got it all right
I choose
You, yeah
I will become yours and you will become mine
I choose
You
I choose 
You

I choose
You



Read more: Sara Bareilles - I Choose You Lyrics | MetroLyrics