I've been laying here this morning thinking about my weight... I'm now 40 lbs. heavier than when I was so desperate as to start this site....I swear, I thought this site would shame me into losing weight. I've had my ups and downs, but let's face it: mostly downs, in this weight roller coaster of the past few years. At this point, the weight is more than uncomfortable. The excess weight affects my every step. My knees hurt, or my thighs are rubbing together (actually they're just like one molded part), or like yesterday, I'm reaching down to feel the ripples on the side of my legs as I walk. I feel the weight pushing down on my organs. I see the cellulite... I see it myself in the mirror and can barely recognize myself.... Even the horrible puffiness I have under my eyes has gotten worse. I swear it makes up half of my face. Yes, I see it. No, I'm not saying this all out of self hate. I'm just acknowledging it. It's only recently that I've began to appreciate just how bad this weight issue is. I went without pop for a couple of days at the beginning of the week, and holy shit did it make me bitchy. I ate good. My body instantly rewarded me by taking away the heartburn. But then, I stepped on the scale and had a 10 oz. weight gain. Now, that's not enough to freak out over, but I did... I went to McDonald's on my way to work and everyday since. I feel so overpowered by it all right now. I'm furious. I'm more than this. I'm more than my weight, but my weight is going to kill me.... I know this. I know I need to change. My head is so much better in so many ways, than it's been in the past few years. I'm learning to love myself. I'm learning to let go of things/situations that aren't healthy for me. Except for food.... Food doesn't even bring me real pleasure, but a war wages in my head when I'm not eating/drinking what I want. It's the strangest thing... I need to beat this. I have to beat this. I want to beat this. I must beat this. As I'm typing this, I know that today isn't the day I change. I wish it was. I know reading this, you're going WTF? Then change! I'd be thinking the same fucking thing. Trust me. I actually do think the same thing. I'm scared to get on a plane in July. I know I'll barely fit into the seat. I have a friend that I miss but don't dare to see while I look like this. She loves me, but I can already see the pity and disgust she'll surely have written all over her face. I'm going home where people mostly still come up and talk to me about the good 'ol championship basketball days. I'll be ashamed of what's happened to me. Please let tomorrow be the day....Please God. Please.
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