I wish I could write that my hormonal issues were better, but the truth is – they have been destroying me. They had gotten really bad, so I went on the pill – maybe a year and a half ago to 2 years ago. The pill helped a lot, but certainly never made it all go away. I’m not sure why in recent months, it’s gotten bad again. I’ve now been spotting over 3 weeks have PMS on top of it. I feel as if I’ve been hit by a depression freight train. I’m guessing my stomach issues are related to the hormonal issues. This is all such a helpless feeling, but I’m glad that today is better than yesterday. This last week has been as bad as it ever has been. The Grammys are one of my favorite nights of the year. The bff and her sister and I make picks in different categories. The winner gets a custom wine or beer glass. We text throughout, and it’s just a really fun night. I knew I was in a bad place, when I couldn’t get into any of it, eventually turning my phone and t.v. off. It was a dark hole I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Monday and Tuesday were nearly as bad, but in this moment, I feel a little light shining in… I will take that.
I work hard to get through these times. I’m a dependable person. If I commit to something, I’m there. Flakiness is something I really can’t deal with in people. So, when I had to cancel plans with a good friend on Saturday, because my head was so fucked up – I felt terrible. At the same time, I knew I had to take care of me. I knew I needed to do anything to climb out of this. I hadn’t been able to hike for a few months, because of this miserable winter. The weather was warm enough on Sat. to get out there, so I set out to go 5 miles. I would normally do more, but I was worried about using muscles I hadn’t used in so long. My 5 mile goal soon turned into 7.5 and before I knew it….I wasn’t going to stop until I hit 10 miles. I needed this for my sanity. I needed to beat this hormonal freight train. The most I’d ever previously hiked was under 8 miles. The last few miles of my ten mile hike, I was in some physical pain…those last hills were a mother fucker. Still, I fight for my well-being.
I was so mentally and physically drained going into boot camp on Monday, that I was nervous about how I would react. I felt like there was nothing in me, but I gave every ounce I could. I hated every second of it, knowing I wasn’t strong but also knowing I couldn’t possibly give any more than I was. I didn’t appreciate making it through the workout until after I got out of the shower. I was proud that I was working toward getting out of this hole. I refuse to let it beat me.
This hormonal journey has been one of life’s biggest obstacles for sure. I already have a propensity for getting down, so this just pours gasoline on a match. I’ve taken Evening Primrose for quite some time, and I’ve ordered some topical hormonal balancing cream. I am afraid to just take myself off the pill, but I did ask the Dr. if I should try a different one or what…he had me take some bullshit labs (why do Dr’s always think everything is the thyroid?) and then an ultrasound. Let me tell you, I’m pretty easy going when it comes to Dr’s appointments, but never let a student do your ultrasound. It took way too fucking long on the ovaries and then she had that wand up me over half an hour before the tech finally took over. It was exhausting. The next step is a referral to gyno. If it will help the whole situation, I’m going just have them yank the lady stuff out of me. I have had the option for a hysterectomy a couple of times in the past, but I declined…I thought I could tough through it all, like a douche. Here I am, humbling pleading for anything to make it better.
The weight loss has slowed (I guess that happens when you continue to go several days in between movements), but I’m happy with having any at this point. Most of the time, I’m eating really good, but then I get these huge cravings for red meat (which is totally unlike me). I ate a fucking steak sandwich last night, and Brian couldn’t believe it. I’m either on point with diet or eating like I have a tape worm.
I’ve kept myself busy the last few weeks, as I’ve been trying to stay a step ahead of all of this. Brian and I spent a day/night in Chicago and saw, “Beautiful.” It’s the story of Carole King’s life, and it’s simply amazing. I hope you get the chance to see it. I went to an ABBA tribute show last week, and it was really good. I’ll continue to work hard at beating all of this. Hopefully one day soon, it will all be a thing of the past.
I’ve taken way too much of your time, with my crying, moaning and bitching. So, I will leave you with something positive. A close friend is turning 50, a few days before my birthday. A few of us are getting together. We thought we had one plan together, but I questioned whether this place was still open after the website was no longer there. My friend looked into it and found out it was turned into a rehab facility… And the whole story of how we even got to the point of agreeing what we were doing, was pretty crazy… So, yes, our final destination: a rehab facility. As I told her, They tried to make me to go rehab, but I said, no, no, no. Thankfully we’ve found something else equally as great as our original plan. It’s a great weekend to look forward to. I’m forever grateful for friends and family who are always there when I need them.
I hope this day treat you well and without hormonal issues :)
If the sky above you
Grows dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind begins to blow
Keep you head together
And call my name out loud
Soon you'll hear me knocking at your door