Here we are: Hump Day! Friday seems so far away, but I have to look at it as being closer to the weekend, than yesterday. The eternal optimist…ha.

I wish I could write that my hormonal issues were better, but the truth is – they have been destroying me. They had gotten really bad, so I went on the pill – maybe a year and a half ago to 2 years ago. The pill helped a lot, but certainly never made it all go away. I’m not sure why in recent months, it’s gotten bad again. I’ve now been spotting over 3 weeks have PMS on top of it. I feel as if I’ve been hit by a depression freight train. I’m guessing my stomach issues are related to the hormonal issues. This is all such a helpless feeling, but I’m glad that today is better than yesterday. This last week has been as bad as it ever has been. The Grammys are one of my favorite nights of the year. The bff and her sister and I make picks in different categories. The winner gets a custom wine or beer glass. We text throughout, and it’s just a really fun night. I knew I was in a bad place, when I couldn’t get into any of it, eventually turning my phone and t.v. off. It was a dark hole I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Monday and Tuesday were nearly as bad, but in this moment, I feel a little light shining in… I will take that.

I work hard to get through these times. I’m a dependable person. If I commit to something, I’m there. Flakiness is something I really can’t deal with in people. So, when I had to cancel plans with a good friend on Saturday, because my head was so fucked up – I felt terrible. At the same time, I knew I had to take care of me. I knew I needed to do anything to climb out of this. I hadn’t been able to hike for a few months, because of this miserable winter. The weather was warm enough on Sat. to get out there, so I set out to go 5 miles. I would normally do more, but I was worried about using muscles I hadn’t used in so long. My 5 mile goal soon turned into 7.5 and before I knew it….I wasn’t going to stop until I hit 10 miles. I needed this for my sanity. I needed to beat this hormonal freight train. The most I’d ever previously hiked was under 8 miles. The last few miles of my ten mile hike, I was in some physical pain…those last hills were a mother fucker. Still, I fight for my well-being.

I was so mentally and physically drained going into boot camp on Monday, that I was nervous about how I would react. I felt like there was nothing in me, but I gave every ounce I could. I hated every second of it, knowing I wasn’t strong but also knowing I couldn’t possibly give any more than I was. I didn’t appreciate making it through the workout until after I got out of the shower. I was proud that I was working toward getting out of this hole. I refuse to let it beat me.

This hormonal journey has been one of life’s biggest obstacles for sure. I already have a propensity for getting down, so this just pours gasoline on a match. I’ve taken Evening Primrose for quite some time, and I’ve ordered some topical hormonal balancing cream. I am afraid to just take myself off the pill, but I did ask the Dr. if I should try a different one or what…he had me take some bullshit labs (why do Dr’s always think everything is the thyroid?) and then an ultrasound. Let me tell you, I’m pretty easy going when it comes to Dr’s appointments, but never let a student do your ultrasound. It took way too fucking long on the ovaries and then she had that wand up me over half an hour before the tech finally took over. It was exhausting. The next step is a referral to gyno. If it will help the whole situation, I’m going just have them yank the lady stuff out of me. I have had the option for a hysterectomy a couple of times in the past, but I declined…I thought I could tough through it all, like a douche. Here I am, humbling pleading for anything to make it better.

The weight loss has slowed (I guess that happens when you continue to go several days in between movements), but I’m happy with having any at this point. Most of the time, I’m eating really good, but then I get these huge cravings for red meat (which is totally unlike me). I ate a fucking steak sandwich last night, and Brian couldn’t believe it. I’m either on point with diet or eating like I have a tape worm.

I’ve kept myself busy the last few weeks, as I’ve been trying to stay a step ahead of all of this. Brian and I spent a day/night in Chicago and saw, “Beautiful.” It’s the story of Carole King’s life, and it’s simply amazing. I hope you get the chance to see it. I went to an ABBA tribute show last week, and it was really good. I’ll continue to work hard at beating all of this. Hopefully one day soon, it will all be a thing of the past.

I’ve taken way too much of your time, with my crying, moaning and bitching. So, I will leave you with something positive. A close friend is turning 50, a few days before my birthday. A few of us are getting together. We thought we had one plan together, but I questioned whether this place was still open after the website was no longer there. My friend looked into it and found out it was turned into a rehab facility… And the whole story of how we even got to the point of agreeing what we were doing, was pretty crazy… So, yes, our final destination: a rehab facility. As I told her, They tried to make me to go rehab, but I said, no, no, no. Thankfully we’ve found something else equally as great as our original plan. It’s a great weekend to look forward to. I’m forever grateful for friends and family who are always there when I need them.

I hope this day treat you well and without hormonal issues :)

Jen

If the sky above you
Grows dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind begins to blow
Keep you head together
And call my name out loud
Soon you'll hear me knocking at your door

I wasn’t sure what meme to use today, but a friend text this to me while I was typing – seemed like fate.

Happy Hump Day! It feels like it should be Friday, but I will take finally being on the downhill slide.

The last couple of weeks haven’t been an easy stretch. The weather (freaking Midwest…) has gotten to me. I’ve never gone through that many days of below zero weather in my life. I miss hiking in the worst way. Hopefully it will be nice enough to get out there this weekend. I’ve got all of this cold weather gear, but it was even too cold for that. Total bullshit.

My body has kinda been a little bitch lately. The plumbing quit working or works in a very different, awful day. After five days…yes, five days of no plumbing…I had to go to extremes to make things move. I don’t get it. I eat more fiber before 9 A.M. than most get all day. I’m consistent with it. One of the great rewards of changing my diet was having things be normal and regular, but in the last few months my body has resisted, until it stopped. Now it has no “normal.” I even missed a day of work last week, because I was in so much pain. I never call in sick. I hold onto my vacation days like nobody’s business. I think of each day as a 3-day weekend out of here. I’ve tried all sorts of things like magnesium supplements (been taking for months), drops of peppermint essential oil in water, etc. Nothing. I truly believe most things can be treated with diet. I have been good lately, even killing it…but if I look deep down…I’ve got to stop this Diet Coke. It’s probably the cause of all things evil.

From poop to my cycle…aren’t you glad you are reading this? I’m on day 16 of spotting. I know, I’m old as dirt, and those things happen – but I’m on the pill. It shouldn’t happen. Again, I have to figure this shit out (get it).

Enough whining about my body. I’ve had myself a little pity party lately, and that’s just stupid. I’m working hard on creating better energy within myself. I’ve been keeping myself busy doing things I love and surrounded by people I love. I just get to the point, where I wish it wasn’t always so much work to be in a great place. It should be easier, but this is me…and I change what I can.

I’m not one to ask for help. I often should, but I don’t. A few weeks ago, I reached out to a friend for support in my diet. I told her I needed a safe place to go (without judgment) where I could go when my demons get to me. She eagerly agreed and gave me all sorts of encouragement. She also suggested we start doing healthy meal swaps again (like we used to when we worked together). I provide lunch on Mondays and she on Wednesdays. I just finished her meal, and it was fantastic. It’s such a great way to learn new ideas. I get stuck in the rut of making the same things over and over. I haven’t had to lean on her in terms of talking things out, but just knowing she’s there – is really helpful. Try it :)

A new season of My 600-Pound Life recently started, and I’m so happy about it. I’d been watching the same episodes over and over. I still relate to people with that kind of weight than anyone else. I go through periods of seeing my weight loss, or like I have been lately – only seeing the fat. It helps me to watch people who think the same way I do about food. There isn’t much they’ve said that I haven’t been able to relate to. There’s also a new show, Family by the Ton, that I love as well. You really want them to succeed. They are such a likeable family. I watch them, and I know how much better, physically, it feels to have the weight off. It’s night and day to the existence I used to have.

My knee was giving me some big fits, but it is getting better. The workouts have been going well. I’ve also been able to double up my running. I now normally walk 200 meters and run 400, and so on. I feel stronger, but I’m also very aware – there’s only so much I can do at this point. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but I feel so good about my progress and think about that all the time. The other day I even enjoyed a workout. WTF is that about? Ha… I get excited to be able to do things I once thought were impossible for me.

I must tell you this – I was chatting with a couple of new girls after boot camp (we were walking the track together), and we were bitching about having desk jobs and how hard it is to get the steps in, etc. They talked about a co-worker of theirs who doesn’t eat dinner until after she puts her kids to sleep. I explained, I couldn’t do that – that the food would stick to me and I’d gain weight eating late like that. One gal looks me up and down and says, “You look like you’ve always been tall and lean.” I nearly choked on my own spit. I don’t think of myself that way, but her observation really stuck with me.

I titled this blog, “Ask For Help”, meaning for anything. Most of us hate to do it, but life is often bigger than us. It’s so hard to see the forest through the trees sometimes (as someone put to me recently). Last week, we (WSU) lost our 21 year old quarterback to suicide. The next day, the lead singer of the Cranberries (reportedly) also took her own life. If you need help staying true to your diet, there are so many people who would be there if you’d let them. If you’re feeling down – don’t be afraid to reach out. You’re hearing this from someone who barely lets anyone in, so I get keeping things to yourself – but again, some things are bigger than us. Whatever it is – please just ask.

Alright….I’ll quit talking about such things, but it has stuck with me and felt important to me to say it.

I hope this week finds you well and on whatever path you’d like to take. If you’re wanting to change your diet or physical activity. Start today. Start small. Don’t wait until Monday. Just start.

~Jen