• Home
  • Jen's Daily Blog
  • ETL Breakdown
  • Kick Ass Books
  • Good f'ing recipes
  • Great Cookbooks
  • Making Life Easier
  • Frequent Questions
Diariesofafatass.com

Easy Like Sunday Morn...er, Afternoon

3/29/2015

0 Comments

 
Picture

Greetings from the Midwest. What you see here, is the bare fruit (and vegetables) of my efforts from early this afternoon. Yep. I finally got off my fat ass and did some juicing. My plan is to start tomorrow. It's a real plan.... Off the regular pop tomorrow (I don't care much for Diet...so hopefully can be all the way off in a couple of weeks), but you've all heard that same fucking song and dance from me over and over. Off the fast food tomorrow. I'm going to let myself eat whatever the fuck I want (except for meat...God help me I want to get off of it) this week, as long as I'm not ordering it through a loud speaker. I'm going to drink some of this juice every day, and hopefully throw in a few smoothies during the week, too. Yep, that's my plan. Is this plan going to make me lose 10 pounds this week? Yeah, no. I'll be lucky for two. But this will help me get through the mental shit. I've got to get off this dependency on soda. I've got to get over the feeling that total fucking shit from a drive-thru is going to make everything better. I mean. Fuck. Can I do anything worse to myself? (okay, keep your thoughts about drinking to yourself. I'm not there, yet). A drive-thru doesn't get me closer to living back in the NW. We know I'm serving a six year sentence. A drive-thru doesn't save me any money. A drive-thru doesn't make me feel better physically. So, fuck you drive-thru. We are breaking up.

Ah....I'd apologize for all of the obscenities, but it wouldn't be genuine, so I'll spare you the empty words. It's been a day. Ryne and Cal were messing around which resulted in Cal's glasses getting broken. I didn't have a spare set for this last prescription, so the boys are all at LensCrafter getting a new prescription and glasses. While I'd normally be okay with taping them together (they're on Spring break) for a couple of days, my boys are all going to Phoenix on Tues., so it really needed to be done today.  Plus, Cal continues to seem to get blinder by the week, so it forces us to get a new prescription...and just pray "surgery" doesn't come out of the optometrist's mouth. So, although LensCrafter doesn't take our vision insurance...we're getting it done nonetheless. Geez, what is it with kids anyway, thinking they need to be able to see and stuff? Brian gets to deal with all of this, as he gets to get the hell out of dodge for a week, while his wife stays home to work (stupid no vacation at new job, yet) and take care of the dog. At first I was going to be semi-okay with them going on vacation without me, but Brian didn't tell me the exact dates until after he bought their tickets. Yes...they'll be gone over Easter. I can't think about it too much, or I'll just feel sorry for myself even more, and I already feel totally fucking pathetic over just how much I feel sorry for myself over this situation. I'm broken hearted that the first "family vacation" since we started all of these moves, will be without me. I feel helpless that I won't be there to help Caleb through his first airline flight. We'd always held off because of his sensory issues. He's already freaking out, and I feel like the worst mother in history, for not being able to be there for him, let alone not being able to play the "Easter Bunny" for him. I'm going to really have to rely on my sis-in-law playing the part for me. Brian and Ryno are totally stoked, and I am glad they get to go get some sun, but God help me if it fucking snows while they are gone. So, I've been trying to plan out my week for while they are gone. I have a phone date with HP Tues night. I also plan on only buying a bottle of wine per day, that way I can't let myself get to cray cray. A bottle is more than enough to knock my ass out each night. Yeah, typing my plan out makes me sound even more pathetic than I feel, so what I meant to say is....  I'm going to be a rock Tues-Tues.  A mother fucking rock. World leaders will aspire to have my nerves of steel.
Picture
Ah, and there you see my other "juicing from the day." Hey, I've been home alone and in the kitchen. I've got my oldies soft rock going on Pandora, and I've been a juicing/cleaning machine. So, I feel great about doing the juicing (good God is it a pain in the ass), but I'm also proud of myself for finally putting the book out for bid in the hopes of finding a good fit for an editor for the book. Yeah, the book. Oh wow. It still feels as if I'm opening my soul to whoever I let read it. It was incredibly hard for me to let go of it to the last person I gave it to.  There were parts of it that we probably not fun for her to read, as it probably read a little too close to home, but I did it...I let her read it, and she has been encouraging....So, I'll take that, although I would've probably been okay with her ripping me a new asshole for a couple of things, too. I'm not a great communicator, but writing is a funny thing. There were emotions that I didn't quite realize I had until they came spewing out of the characters. So, Cheers to me. I feel really good about finally getting through this next process with the book. By the end of the week, I'll have hired someone, and I pray that I can handle all that comes with a professional actually reading the book.

Yeah, so big day. Really big day.

I hope this Sunday find you finding your happiness in whatever way that floats your boat today. Here's to conquering our fears and living life to the fullest.

Cheers,

Jen
0 Comments

Working with Assholes

3/26/2015

0 Comments

 
Picture
Happy Friday Eve! What a work week! I'll be glad to put this one behind me. I played a lot of catch up from taking 1 1/2 days off, but I can't complain about that. I love to be super busy. This company I work for is different than any other that I've experienced in a few ways, but it differs in the biggest way in the way that people just explode at one another. I've witnessed quite a few of these episodes since I've been here, but this morning took it to a whole new level. I was in a quality meeting and the Plant Manager and a head Engineer totally went at it. Holy shit...Screaming obscenities at one another, "fucking Asshole" was spewed every other word.  It got uglier as it got personal when one of them told the other to get back on his Meds. The gloves were off and the personal attacks ensued. Finally, the meeting moved forward only to have two of my co-workers go at it. It's so crazy... We are in a meeting and we are all professionals, but you wouldn't know it by some of the things that go down. It's so crazy to me. I know it's going to happen to me one of these days. It seems to happen to everyone at this co., but in my entire career, I've only had words with one person, and it was just the two of us. Yeah...confrontation is not my things. I'd rather hole up and eat my feelings. So...that's not healthy, either. I've got to find some sort of middle ground. That's not so easy for an all-or-nothing personality.

I've spent a lot of this week formulating my plan towards good health. It has been on my mind pretty much non-stop. A co-worker was telling me about her 45 year old friend who died yesterday of a heart attack. So terrible...so close to home. I can't continue the way I've been going. I've been thinking a lot about if I did die of a heart attack, or some other obesity related situation, and of course it's a grim thought. I think about leaving my children mother-less, my husband a widower, my family, my friends, etc. I know that to be truly successful, though, I need to think about ME. I just don't put myself first. It's probably some sort of cop out, as it's easier to put others before yourself. My friend Tami and I had a really great conversation about working on ourselves the other day. I've been getting to far away from all things important. I was on a good path, but I started this job, and I just can't seem to juggle everything. It's crazy to me to think that in November I did a 10k. Now, we know I certainly didn't run the whole, thing, but there's no way I could do that now. I've put on a SHIT TON of weight. I am, by far, my heaviest. No question. I'm ashamed of myself. I'm hoping to start getting back on track this weekend. I'll do some juicing, cooking, etc. I haven't made any positive diet changes this week, but I have done some good mental health things during the evenings. I've gotten a lot of cleaning and laundry done, quality time with the kids, and I've done a project for a friend. I'm on the right path. I can feel it. I want to feel better than I have been feeling both mentally and physically. I want to actually pick up the phone when friends call. I want to be someone who doesn't feel so overwhelmed by everything. I think I've just gotten to a point where I got tired of feeling like I was letting everyone down, so I just shut down. Well, that has got to stop. It is going to stop.

Okay, I'll let you go. I've got more chores to do, and I'd love to be able to enjoy some March Madness before going to bed.

I hope the evening finds you well and happy. Oh, and I'm going back to the caption at the top of the page. Find happiness however you can find it. I spent too many years feeling like I had to "fit in." I felt such a weight lift, when I finally began to embrace my own craziness. I know I don't think like a lot of other people, but thank God I am my own self. I can appreciate and love my own brand of crazy and love.

~Jen
0 Comments

Radical Trust?

3/24/2015

0 Comments

 
Picture
I've been wanting to write for a while now, but I guess I never know where to start. I've got a lot of work to do on myself. The good news is...I'm making a plan. I have hope. Hope that I will no longer be this weight. Hope that I put myself first. Hope that I trust myself, my judgment, my heart. I raise my glass of wine to hope. Cheers!

I spent last Thurs-Sun in Chicago with my friend Amy. We hadn't seen one another in two years, which is unprecedented for us. Honestly, I had a lot of anxiety leading up to it, and at times during it. Anxiety has been hitting me pretty hard lately, and so it was no surprise when it showed up for this. There was anxiety that we wouldn't be the same, anxiety over my weight and how I look, anxiety over doing new things, anxiety over nearly everything you can imagine. But, I'm proud of myself for reaching out and asking that we get together. I have "The Other Misty" to thank for that. I realize life is just too short to be afraid of the unknown. It really was nice to see Amy, or as everyone we met over the weekend knows her as, "Sheryl, with an S." (I'm Gwen with a G). It's crazy to think that we have been friends for some 25 years. Actually, as I type this...I have to take a moment to think just how crazy that is.  Time really does fly.

I'm pretty fried tonight, so I'll do you a favor and cut this short. I just wanted to check in and let you know that I do plan on pulling my shit together. I truly, truly do.... Thanks for always sticking around.

Much Love,

Jen
0 Comments

    Jen

    Age 47
    Married 24 years
    2 boys, 18 & 15
    email: diariesofafatass@gmail.com


    Archives

    August 2019
    June 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011

    RSS Feed