Sorry, I’ve been MIA. I’ve been crazy busy with things with the boys. Most nights I don’t get home until after 8, between swim practice and basketball practice/games. I’m sure I would’ve been better about keeping up with the blog, if I felt as if I had something inspiring to add, but unfortunately my eating has been out of control. It’s really been bad… I’d been PMS’ing, and am finally on Day 2 of the bitch, but that’s not an excuse. There really should never be any excuses for treating my body like I’m doing. All in all, things have been pretty good. I’ve had my regular ups and downs as anyone would have, but there’s no reason for me to continue beating my body up.
I had an outstanding weekend. It started on Friday when I had a couple of beers after work with a couple of coworkers. We played darts (my new favorite thing), and I didn’t overdo it. I got home at a nice early hour. Cal needed his Mama, so I let him sleep with me. Brian actually likes sleeping in Cal’s bed, so he was okay with it J Our kids have better mattresses than we do. I love it when Cal sleeps with me. I love to watch him, just breathe. Anyway, it was a great weekend full of quality family time with Brian and the boys. Saturday night was also particularly awesome. H.P. and I had a Skype date set up, but her camera wasn’t working, so we just had a phone date instead. We sat and chatted and drank for around 3 hours. Now, I’m not necessarily a phone person, but OMG, it was so perfect. Of course, I would’ve much preferred that we were in person hanging out, but this was the next best thing. It was so very nice. I really miss hanging out with my good friends. It doesn’t hurt of course, that’s H.P. is one of my favorite ppl on the face of the planet. I’d be hard pressed to mention many ppl that care about me the way she does. The feeling is totally mutual, too. The great weekend continued on with football on Sunday. It was such a nice day. Unfortunately, Brian ended up getting called into work later on Sunday. It was about that time, that I started getting the horrible, horrible cramps. I felt like puking. The anxiety started to set in. I
recognized it and started to clean and do anything to keep myself really busy. It just kept getting worse and worse. I wanted to take something for it, but I won’t do that if I’m home alone with the kids. It kinda knocks me out. I finally made myself go to bed around 11 (poor Brian was still working), but the anxiety got really bad after I drifted off to sleep. I woke up around 2, and it was as bad as it’s ever been. No matter how hard I tried to think about positive things, my mind just kept punishing me, and my body got that terrible feeling. I was so frustrated. Again, I thought about taking something, but by then, it was too close to when I’d need to get up for work. I wouldn’t be able to drive. So, the hellacious night was what it was….I survived, though. I came to work looking like shit and feeling like shit…. I wasn’t sure how I’d make it through the day.
The anxiety was still in my chest and head. Anyway, early that morning a good friend got a hold of me to tell me that her husband had called her the night
before asking for a divorce. OMG. My heart just ached for her. It’s such a helpless feeling to know that there’s really nothing you can do for someone when they’re hurting like that. She’s been in a ton of pain. I can’t imagine how
hard that would be, especially when there are kids involved. Anyway, I’m trying to be there for her best I can. But when someone’s going through that, prayers and lending an ear are really all you can do…. So, I thought a lot about her situation and have tried to use it in dealing with this nasty bout of anxiety I have this week. She has a situation worthy of anxiety. I just have it…I get it over the silliest of things…. I’ve really been trying hard to work on it this week.
In all, I’ve been trying to work on a lot of things lately. I’ve been trying to limit the things in my life that do cause me anxiety. There are many things I can’t control, but I do have control in terms of actually trying to tackle my own issues. Some are so tiny and unworthy of occupying my thoughts, while some of course are things that anyone would wrestle with. It’s the tiny things that I’m really trying to get rid of now. I think I’m doing a good job of battling them, though. In many ways, I feel healthier than I have in quite some time. I have a peace within that leaves me wanting more and more peace. I’ll keep working on it. It’ll always be a work in progress, but I’ll take every little step I’m able to take.
Today has been super busy at work. I love it when it’s like this. Even though it’s been really busy, Tammi and I made time to chat a little this morning. That’s always an awesome balance for me. Working hard, but getting in my girl time, too. Chatting with her is always one of the highlights of my work day. And I know she feels the same, as she’s awesome about telling me that :)
Although I’ve been super busy, my mind has still been going all over the place. I feel the anxiety come on, and then I think happy thoughts. I’ve thought a lot about Brian and the boys today. I’m lucky in that they provide me with happiness on a daily basis. I thought about seeing Ryne make a basket last night (this is his first year playing, and it’s not coming to him real naturally, yet). Ryne had made a basket the night before, but it was an out of town game, and I couldn’t be in two places at once and was unable to make it (part of the anxiety from Sunday, knowing I was going to miss it). I’ve thought about Cal’s first swim meet this weekend. He’s so freaking excited. I love it. I’ve thought about my husband who always manages to love me, even when I can’t sometimes love my own self. And I’ve kept my mind busy thinking about my favorite times with friends over the years. I’ve thought a lot about Dracy today. She turned 40 yesterday. I’m an asshole, and her flowers won’t get there until today, but I know she’ll forgive me and love them as much as if they got there on time. Anyway, I’ve thought about playing Rummy with Dracy until all hours of the night in college. We’d listen to country music and just play game after game. I’ve thought about when Margaret and Jody and I used to hang out at Lindo all the time. That was such a fun time…. I’ve thought about H.P. and one of the first times she ever went out w/ me and my friends.
We left work super early and we all went to a sports bar. We all played lots of bar games, and I remember how well H.P. fit in with my friends. It was also the day the “notes” started. Once she started that, I knew she was someone I always wanted to be friends with. Perfect. I’ve thought about our first Autism Mom’s retreat weekend. What a great time, and it was the beginning of some very meaningful relationships. I’ve also thought about when email really started to be a thing that was used every day. Amy and I would email nearly every day, and it was so fun. It was so new. This is back before IM, frequent cell phone use, and texting. So, when you got personal emails at work, it was just plain fun. Anyway, lots of great memories today. I’m proud of myself for
keeping such a positive head on my shoulders today when my anxiety and period want to get the best of me. I hope you all are feeling good, too. It’s not always easy or natural. But it’s what we do…. Being happy sometimes takes more work than we think it should. But it’s worth it. It’s our one shot at life on this earth, so let’s all fucking enjoy the hell out of it.
Wishing you all a wonderful “Over the Hump Day.”
Much Love,
Jen
Of course, here’s some more P!nk….
Oldie but a goodie!
"Don't Let Me Get Me"
Never win first place, I don't support the team
I can't take
direction, and my socks are never
clean
Teachers dated me, my parents
hated me
I was always in a fight cuz I can't do nothin'
right
Every day I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin'
back at me
I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own
worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't
wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
I wanna be
somebody else, yeah
LA told me, "You'll be a pop star,
All you have
to change is everything you are."
Tired of being compared to damn Britney
Spears
She's so pretty, that just ain't me
Doctor, doctor won't you
please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm
a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend
no more
I wanna be somebody else
Don't let me get me
I'm my own
worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't
wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
Doctor, doctor
won't you please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Don't let me get me
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my
friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
I had an outstanding weekend. It started on Friday when I had a couple of beers after work with a couple of coworkers. We played darts (my new favorite thing), and I didn’t overdo it. I got home at a nice early hour. Cal needed his Mama, so I let him sleep with me. Brian actually likes sleeping in Cal’s bed, so he was okay with it J Our kids have better mattresses than we do. I love it when Cal sleeps with me. I love to watch him, just breathe. Anyway, it was a great weekend full of quality family time with Brian and the boys. Saturday night was also particularly awesome. H.P. and I had a Skype date set up, but her camera wasn’t working, so we just had a phone date instead. We sat and chatted and drank for around 3 hours. Now, I’m not necessarily a phone person, but OMG, it was so perfect. Of course, I would’ve much preferred that we were in person hanging out, but this was the next best thing. It was so very nice. I really miss hanging out with my good friends. It doesn’t hurt of course, that’s H.P. is one of my favorite ppl on the face of the planet. I’d be hard pressed to mention many ppl that care about me the way she does. The feeling is totally mutual, too. The great weekend continued on with football on Sunday. It was such a nice day. Unfortunately, Brian ended up getting called into work later on Sunday. It was about that time, that I started getting the horrible, horrible cramps. I felt like puking. The anxiety started to set in. I
recognized it and started to clean and do anything to keep myself really busy. It just kept getting worse and worse. I wanted to take something for it, but I won’t do that if I’m home alone with the kids. It kinda knocks me out. I finally made myself go to bed around 11 (poor Brian was still working), but the anxiety got really bad after I drifted off to sleep. I woke up around 2, and it was as bad as it’s ever been. No matter how hard I tried to think about positive things, my mind just kept punishing me, and my body got that terrible feeling. I was so frustrated. Again, I thought about taking something, but by then, it was too close to when I’d need to get up for work. I wouldn’t be able to drive. So, the hellacious night was what it was….I survived, though. I came to work looking like shit and feeling like shit…. I wasn’t sure how I’d make it through the day.
The anxiety was still in my chest and head. Anyway, early that morning a good friend got a hold of me to tell me that her husband had called her the night
before asking for a divorce. OMG. My heart just ached for her. It’s such a helpless feeling to know that there’s really nothing you can do for someone when they’re hurting like that. She’s been in a ton of pain. I can’t imagine how
hard that would be, especially when there are kids involved. Anyway, I’m trying to be there for her best I can. But when someone’s going through that, prayers and lending an ear are really all you can do…. So, I thought a lot about her situation and have tried to use it in dealing with this nasty bout of anxiety I have this week. She has a situation worthy of anxiety. I just have it…I get it over the silliest of things…. I’ve really been trying hard to work on it this week.
In all, I’ve been trying to work on a lot of things lately. I’ve been trying to limit the things in my life that do cause me anxiety. There are many things I can’t control, but I do have control in terms of actually trying to tackle my own issues. Some are so tiny and unworthy of occupying my thoughts, while some of course are things that anyone would wrestle with. It’s the tiny things that I’m really trying to get rid of now. I think I’m doing a good job of battling them, though. In many ways, I feel healthier than I have in quite some time. I have a peace within that leaves me wanting more and more peace. I’ll keep working on it. It’ll always be a work in progress, but I’ll take every little step I’m able to take.
Today has been super busy at work. I love it when it’s like this. Even though it’s been really busy, Tammi and I made time to chat a little this morning. That’s always an awesome balance for me. Working hard, but getting in my girl time, too. Chatting with her is always one of the highlights of my work day. And I know she feels the same, as she’s awesome about telling me that :)
Although I’ve been super busy, my mind has still been going all over the place. I feel the anxiety come on, and then I think happy thoughts. I’ve thought a lot about Brian and the boys today. I’m lucky in that they provide me with happiness on a daily basis. I thought about seeing Ryne make a basket last night (this is his first year playing, and it’s not coming to him real naturally, yet). Ryne had made a basket the night before, but it was an out of town game, and I couldn’t be in two places at once and was unable to make it (part of the anxiety from Sunday, knowing I was going to miss it). I’ve thought about Cal’s first swim meet this weekend. He’s so freaking excited. I love it. I’ve thought about my husband who always manages to love me, even when I can’t sometimes love my own self. And I’ve kept my mind busy thinking about my favorite times with friends over the years. I’ve thought a lot about Dracy today. She turned 40 yesterday. I’m an asshole, and her flowers won’t get there until today, but I know she’ll forgive me and love them as much as if they got there on time. Anyway, I’ve thought about playing Rummy with Dracy until all hours of the night in college. We’d listen to country music and just play game after game. I’ve thought about when Margaret and Jody and I used to hang out at Lindo all the time. That was such a fun time…. I’ve thought about H.P. and one of the first times she ever went out w/ me and my friends.
We left work super early and we all went to a sports bar. We all played lots of bar games, and I remember how well H.P. fit in with my friends. It was also the day the “notes” started. Once she started that, I knew she was someone I always wanted to be friends with. Perfect. I’ve thought about our first Autism Mom’s retreat weekend. What a great time, and it was the beginning of some very meaningful relationships. I’ve also thought about when email really started to be a thing that was used every day. Amy and I would email nearly every day, and it was so fun. It was so new. This is back before IM, frequent cell phone use, and texting. So, when you got personal emails at work, it was just plain fun. Anyway, lots of great memories today. I’m proud of myself for
keeping such a positive head on my shoulders today when my anxiety and period want to get the best of me. I hope you all are feeling good, too. It’s not always easy or natural. But it’s what we do…. Being happy sometimes takes more work than we think it should. But it’s worth it. It’s our one shot at life on this earth, so let’s all fucking enjoy the hell out of it.
Wishing you all a wonderful “Over the Hump Day.”
Much Love,
Jen
Of course, here’s some more P!nk….
Oldie but a goodie!
"Don't Let Me Get Me"
Never win first place, I don't support the team
I can't take
direction, and my socks are never
clean
Teachers dated me, my parents
hated me
I was always in a fight cuz I can't do nothin'
right
Every day I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin'
back at me
I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own
worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't
wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
I wanna be
somebody else, yeah
LA told me, "You'll be a pop star,
All you have
to change is everything you are."
Tired of being compared to damn Britney
Spears
She's so pretty, that just ain't me
Doctor, doctor won't you
please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm
a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend
no more
I wanna be somebody else
Don't let me get me
I'm my own
worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't
wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
Doctor, doctor
won't you please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Don't let me get me
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my
friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
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