weeks ago and is still there), the realtor won't get back to me. Sara rented another place a month ago, and I know it would be really hard
for her to pay for both places. I've been screwed by so many people when it comes to money, that I'm just expecting it. Then I beat myself up for trusting people... I need to figure out if I should try and move someone else in, or if I'm going to pay to keep the utilities going with nobody there, because I don't want the pipes freezing, etc. I think about just putting us all in the car and driving back. Our house is still there, but we would have no jobs. But in my nightmares
that's what we do, and we get there and realize we have no money and then the house sells. And we have nowhere to live and no jobs....I dream about how the house was the last time I saw it, and how it didn't feel like mine anymore. I hated that feeling. I hate that feeling. In the grand scheme of life, I know this isn't a huge deal, but it occupies my ever going mind a little during the day, and then encompasses my dreams at night. I also dream about being alone, or feeling alone. It's kind of weird, because as I have been having my battles with depression (On the surface, but not always engulfing me. Sometimes I do a great job of convincing myself that I'm okay). But I've been thinking about my friends and why I've needed to have such close friends in my life. I know it's because it's been because they have been family to me. But lately, I've been wondering if I
should have friends at all. I know, totally stupid, right.... I know to feel like that is, but I can't pretend that's not how I feel some days. Some days I feel that I'd be better off not having more people that depend on me. I feel so drained with feeling that responsibility so often lately. And I'm drained by knowing that if I need certain people, they won't be there for me. And it's not even fair to say I know they won't be there. I don't give some ppl the opportunity to really be my friend. I'm so afraid of rejection. Which leads to another "dream" I had the other night. My friend Cori was in town (and we were in Vancouver), and she asked me to pick her up at the college gym, so we could do something after she shot some hoops. I went to get her, and I opened the double doors to the gym, and I saw a bunch of players that I played with in college (but the friends that I'm still in close contact with weren't there, except for Erin). I saw Jodi Naffziger, Marrietta (crap...I think that's her name, from our championship team, but she was hurt the whole year), Jen Tuvness, and a couple others that I can't remember off hand. They were
playing a game. I just stood there wondering why nobody told me about the game. And then I thought, of course they wouldn't...they see how fat you are. And you're not a very good basketball player....
These dreams feel so real. It's crazy.... And I usually end up waking from them about 3 a.m. and am awake for another hour or hour and a half. I get a little more sleep, before having to get ready for work and get the boys around. So, I start my 45 min drive, in the dark, with these dreams weighing on top of me. Plus, my lack of good sleep, and lately nearly every morning I find myself thinking about the dreams or things that are going in my life (and they become much bigger than they really are) and I find tears rolling down my cheeks during the drive. This has been happening for a while now. So, I get to this job that I don't love (and maybe I'm not capable of loving any job right now), and a lot of times the tears still find their way down my cheeks as the day goes on. Sometimes my eyes even burn. I find myself crying even as I write this. Man, what in the hell has
happened to me....? Sometimes I don't know if it's depression or if it's the fact that I've become way too sensitive in the past few years, along with becoming very weak.
I have a therapy appt set up for mid week. My therapist has been sick the past couple of sessions. I've been really wondering if therapy is a good thing for me. I know Brian doesn't like that I go. He says he hates that it always makes me sad for a few days after. I know he really feels like that, but I'm sure there's a part of him that wishes I
never started going to therapy. I'm sure it was much easier to be married to me before I found my voice. My voice isn't always there. It takes a lot of strength and courage for me to use it. But I do sometimes have that voice. And as a man, that really doesn't communicate well, it has to be overwhelming for him. I also have a friend whom I sure also hates the voice. Using my voice has changed our friendship, and I think she thinks it's not for the better. And I don't know, maybe the voice isn't right in this friendship. But then I think, why should I go through the rest of my life never saying what I'm thinking or telling my friends what they mean to me? Most of the time I blame myself, for a friendship that was once such a big part of my life, becoming something different. But then I think, if someone doesn't like my voice, then they don't like me. It's actually me, speaking out for myself: sticking up for myself. I don't know. I guess either way, I'm not happy with myself. I get overwhelmed by this feeling of not finding myself happy. I really hate it... But it's what depression is, as my friend told me yesterday. I finally talked to someone about how it's been grabbing a hold of me lately. She understands it. She's had it many times in her life. When you have it, it's so hard to see outside of it. I just know I don't want to go the rest of my life feeling like this. So....the battle is going to begin. I'm going to fighting this mother fucking thing. I've put on a bunch of weight lately, and again, the chicken or the egg comes into play. I know they feed off of each other.
I actually started the battle yesterday. Getting in touch with my friend yesterday was a huge step.She also immediately called me out on being distant lately. Anyway, I found myself reaching out because yesterday was so very bad. I found myself in the deepest of despair, and for no reason. We had a good Thanksgiving. I've loved my time off. All I wanted to do, was pull my head under my covers and stay there all day. But I can't do that. I don't want my boys to see that. I
don't even want Brian to see that, even though he knows I've been
struggling. So, I had some errands to run, so I got out and then met my friend at a bar. I know...probably the last place I should be right?
I haven't been drinking much at all lately, though. I've had the good sense to stay away from it. We had lunch, and I had a few beers. She is a fantastic listener, and she was there for me in a huge way. She
knew when it would get too much for me, and ask if she wanted me to keep talking about what was going on with her relationship, which was a great distraction for me. Anyway, we ended up having a really great time. I was "Gwen" and we played some bar games and chatted with people. I was funny. I was having fun. I felt in a way that I hadn't felt in a while. It was so nice to see out of the fog I'd been battling, with such ease. I hate that it took alcohol to do it, but it helped to wake me up to what it feel like to feel good. And how great it felt to laugh so openly and freely. I got home around 5, and I was asleep by 6:30. I didn't get up until 7:30 today. I woke up frequently
last night, as I usually do, and I would remember my dreams. But there were no nightmares. It's the first time that's happened in a long time. I'm so very thankful. Today I will work on kicking this depressions ass. I really will. I want to feel myself again, even though it's a self I rarely feel proud of. It's much better than feeling
like I have. And I do want to work on a self that feels proud of herself, and for that to happen, I'm really going to have to make an effort on my weight. The chicken and the egg.
Sorry for all of my rambling this morning. It's just what I've been feeling.
I do know some of you can relate.
I don't know if that helps you. But it's all I really have to offer
anyone right now. I can let you
know that you are not alone.