excuse…. I’m so competitive. How can I accept this? I f’ing hate myself for it.
I hate everything about the way I look and feel. And you know what, I have the power to change it. But what do I do? Everything in my power to make myself look and feel worse. This is totally on me. I’m such a p_ssy. I hate typing this
from work. Somehow, cussing without all of the letters, takes away from my point. Excuse me, I just had to pull a chocolate chip off of my boob. I’m one of those sloppyfatties, eating away, while the food falls on me. And another thing I’m completely ashamed of. I’ve been drinking way too much. It’s completely apparent that I can’t just go out for a drink after work. It turns into many hours of drinking. I know some of it, is my addiction, and some of it is my loneliness for friends. Even last night, it was really stormy, and after the kids went to bed, I lit a candle in my room, and put in the latest Twilight movie.
(As I’ve mentioned before, I’m now a baseball widow, until Oct. rolls around). I decided to have a beer, while I watched the movie. Of course one turned into 4 (maybe 5, but I think 4). At least it was BL, but it still knocked me on my a$$. I had the time of my life watching that movie, listening to the storm,
playing Words with Friends. That is until the movie ended, and then I started missing friends like crazy. I don’t think I’ve ever thought of it like this before last night, but my friends are like my family. I haven’t lived in the same city as any family member, since I left for college 22 years ago. I guess I really grew a dependence on them. My close friends, really are like my sisters.
I sure talk to them more than my family and I talk. Not that my family isn’t close knit. We are, but we are also at a distance…maybe purposefully, who knows. So, I guess I’m admitting that I miss my“sisters.” Last year I decided that for my 40th, I was going to get myself Lasik. I haven’t been able to see without the aid of glasses or contacts since I was 16. That kind of went out the window, when Brian did not turn in his FSA paperwork in time. Oh, if you
could’ve heard that fight…. So, one of the big reasons I went back to work, was for the FSA. I maxed it out at the 5k (only now it’s divided by 9 mos., b/c of when I started). I was going to reward myself for being in such great shape (I just knew I would have my sh!t together by my bday….) Anyway, my consultation is on Wed. I should be super excited, but I can’t even enjoy it.
I just keep thinking, what good is fixing your eyes, if you can’t fix
anything else. Man, I’m a world class failure.
So, I’m writing here today, feeling like I haven’t really gotten anywhere since I started this blog. I truly thought I’d be some sort of inspiration. Now, it’s just one more thing I’m failing at. I really do want to do better, for me, and for us.
Believe me, I want it more than anything. Let’s hope for a big turnaround soon.
As always, thanks for sticking with me.
And again, if you need real inspiration, check out Amy’s blog. She’s truly killing it right now (and I
hope she’s documenting it, so you can see how well she’s doing, and how it
should be done).