My confidence is in the shitter, and that is contagious to all parts of my life. I wish it wasn't. I work really hard on being grateful and thankful for the love I have. I really do. When my head/heart are so fragile, it's easy to be bothered by things, that normally probably wouldn't bother me as much. I just feel so far away from everything out here. I really do. With the moves, I've pushed people away. It's not always been intentional. Sometimes I'm just working so hard on keeping myself afloat, that I'm not as attentive as I normally would be. I would still do anything for anyone, but they may not know that. I've also intentionally pushed people away. I don't always feel like I'm strong enough for to handle things that those relationships throw my way sometimes. Anyway, I'm really blessed to have those close relationships that I do have. I love my husband. Sometimes it's A LOT more work than it seems like it should be, and others times it's the easiest most natural love imaginable. My kids are my light, but I haven't been feeling like the best parent lately. I sure wish they came with a handbook. I still have good friends who are great about keeping in touch. But jonestly, I miss having a best friend. This is the first year in a really, really long time that I probably haven't referred to the bff as such. It's a weird position, being more distant friends with someone, when you once were so very close. It's not just that person, but my other closest relationships, too. IDK.... I guess my confidence is just shattered all the way around. I feel needy. I fucking hate that feeling. Don't we all, though? It's not that I still don't love these friends. I do. I can't even say that they aren't my best friends. I can talk about this, because they don't know about the blog, and I feel like it's a safe place. I'll tell you this, though: I miss being a best friend. That felt good to me. It really did. It doesn't feel good, when friendships change, and aren't recognizable compared to what they once were. Yeah, that pretty much sucks. My love for my friends doesn't go away. Sometimes I think it would be easier if it did. Actually, I'm sure it would be. Again, I wish there was a handbook for these things. Okay, I'm blah, blah, blahing today. It's just been on my mind lately. I just miss it.
Okay, I'm pulling my big girl panties back up. Go Seahawks! Does that make me sound like Super Man? Feeling suck, dude. They really do.
Really, it has been a good weekend. Cal had a swim meet yesterday. I worked the admissions desk for the meet this morning. Cal and I watched a movie together last night. Right now, we're all watching the Seahawks play (and they're winning!) And Brian just peeled potatoes (it's the little thing in marriage ;). It's a good night. I hope you all are well, too. And I hope you find yourself with a best friend, and they're something you want and appreciate in your life.