Anyway, today was just a day that prayed on all my insecurities. I did a pretty good number on myself. I'm feeling better now, although it is 11:10, and I'm far from being able to sleep. The disgust with my body has reached all new lows. I've also put on 5 lbs since last week. Yes, in one week... I earned every fucking pound, too. What a dumb ass. So, tonight I finished up my "goal board." My plan is to take a video of it tomorrow and video of myself and this disgusting body. I'm hoping to add a new video every 2 or 3 weeks to show the progress. I've made some green juice, and I'm ready to try and get my shit together tomorrow....
I've done a lot of thinking over the past couple of days and why I'm so hard on myself. I still don't have any answers. I just know I've been this way since I was a little kid. I've never felt worthy of anything good in my life. I really don't know why...and it kills me that I can't figure it out. Anyway, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in therapy was talk about things that I love about myself. I remember it stopped me in my tracks when she insisted I talk about those things. I just broke down. It was so hard. Why? WTF? On Sat., a close friend and I were talking on the phone and she said some really, really nice things about me that were really hard to hear. Again, I broke down. Shouldn't hearing beautiful things about yourself just make you smile? If I really think about it, there are a lot of things I do like about myself. I know I'm a good person. I just need to make myself realize that on a daily basis. I also really, really need to quit putting everyone in front of me. I worry about my family, husband and my friends all day long, but I never worry about myself. My friend broke my heart, when she told me how worried she was about me. I don't want anyone to ever worry about me. I know that feeling of worrying about someone you love and it sucks. I don't want to put that burden on anyone. So, although it's been a lot of tough soul searching, I feel it's a healthy step to try and see myself through the eyes of those that love me most. The hardest will be Brian, though. For the life of me, I don't know what he sees in me, even though he tells me on a daily basis. I look at him, and he's so attractive to me, and I'm well, me... I also worry about some of my closest friends and how they might react to the video I do of myself showing all of the fat. I don't know how they can possibly love and respect me after seeing it. I I'm a total failure. It just pains me to know that they'll see just how much so.
Anyway, until tomorrow and the dreaded video. Hopefully it'll give me the motivation and kick in the ass that I so very need.