The Fourth of July holiday has come and gone. If I’m not going back to Alaska for the holiday, I’m usually full of anxiety the entire week. I was spoiled beyond words by growing up in Wrangell and what the 4th brings to the town. It’s something straight out of a movie. Kids are laughing, playing every carnival game, running every race, finding a way to be in all of the egg tossing events. The list really goes on and on of what’s available for kids and adults alike. Every event is offered to every age group. I’ve loved the pictures of seeing my friends and family in these events this year. It seems like my favorite picture is always someone midair doing the potato sack race, this year was no exception. The look of happiness on my cousin Holley and my Aunt Fern’s faces as they’re doing the three legged race in a potato sack is fantastic (see above). So, I mentally prepared myself to go through my usual depression/sadness the week of the 4th. I even damn near talked myself into flying up there last minute. This year was different, though. I’m not sure why. I was busy, as I usually try to keep myself during this holiday, but I don’t know…maybe at forty four years old, I’ve finally grown up and accepted that I can’t be home every year. Me, grow up? That’s a stretch, but it’s all I can really figure. Every day I thought about what was going on: from the salmon bake on the 1st, to the boys could’ve been in the scrap fish derby on the 2nd; to the Queen coronation on the 3rd (btw my cousin’s step-daughter totally rocked it and came in second place. It was a record year!), to getting a Bloody Mary before the parade on the 4th and making an entire day out of partying, playing, and visiting so many people I love, to finally the 5th of July where we’d go up the river and drink beer all day, after swearing that very morning we’d never drink again. Yes, I thought it all through. I knew what I was missing. Maybe that’s part of the reason I drank so much on the 1st here, in the middle of the United States, so far from home. I thought it was all about the stress at work and celebrating a coworker’s birthday. I mixed like a Junior High girl, and paid the price. I did have fun, though, and I made it through the day without tears. On the 2nd, we ventured into the city to buy a dishwasher (mine hasn’t worked, since we bought the house in Nov). The 3rd we had friends over for a BBQ, and we spent the 4th at Wrigley Field watching the Cubs play. We had a pretty great weekend! Not one time, did I have tears about not being home. I’d say that has to be a first for me. Shit, maybe it is growth… God knows I work hard enough on personal growth; it’d be nice to think something finally sank in.
With the uncertainty in the workplace lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes me happiest. It’s the usual things, as it is for you…family, friends, my dog. But if I lose my job, how could I spend my days feeling fulfilled, while making a living? Writing certainly wouldn’t pay the bills for me (it's actually an expensive hobby), so I’ve been thinking long and hard. I’ve been in purchasing for so long. I haven’t loved it in a long time. It’s hard for a person whose brain never stops, never stops writing in her head and creating, to sit at a desk all day. That’s reality, though. We all have bills to pay. I have growing boys, and that seems to bring unexpected bills every week. I’ve got a couple of things I’m mulling over, and it’s fun to see a vision of myself who seems fulfilled at the end of each day. A coworker/great friend and I have been discussing our futures in pretty painted detail lately. It’s funny; I can see things and suggest things for him, much better than I can for myself. That’s the way my head has always worked. I wish I could see things more vividly for myself. Maybe, that too, will come with time.
Life has been a little nuts lately, as I’m not a fan of uncertainty. I have to say though, I realize every single day how blessed I am for so many things, even living here in the middle of nowhere right now. I’m blessed to have a group of close friends from work, I didn’t have a year ago. I like that I know where I’m going to be for the next six years (when Caleb graduates). I love that my dog has a bff, and acts like a dog when she’s around her. I fucking love that my good friend got excellent news from the Doctor yesterday. He has a health situation that could be very bad, but he has a best case scenario for his diagnosis. I love the attitude and fight he’s brought to this, just as he does everything he’s passionate about in his life. Really, there are so many things I’m thankful for everyday. Although my job situation is stressing me out, I thanked God this morning, that I have a job that helps us pay our bills and provides security for my family. I think about these things as I’m trying not to get pulled down by the uncertainties and changes that have been going on lately. That’s all any of us can do. We make the best out of what we have. We do what we need to, in order to feel alive. Today, I’m grateful for living out here, amongst people I would’ve never known.
Here’s hoping you embrace those things in your life. Live your day like you’re Holley and Fern in that potato sack (I hope they forgive me for using their pic :)
-Oh, and as always around the 4th-here’s Shooter Jennings (Waylon’s son) with one of my all-time favorite songs. You can see the song unfold perfectly can’t you?
Jen
With the uncertainty in the workplace lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes me happiest. It’s the usual things, as it is for you…family, friends, my dog. But if I lose my job, how could I spend my days feeling fulfilled, while making a living? Writing certainly wouldn’t pay the bills for me (it's actually an expensive hobby), so I’ve been thinking long and hard. I’ve been in purchasing for so long. I haven’t loved it in a long time. It’s hard for a person whose brain never stops, never stops writing in her head and creating, to sit at a desk all day. That’s reality, though. We all have bills to pay. I have growing boys, and that seems to bring unexpected bills every week. I’ve got a couple of things I’m mulling over, and it’s fun to see a vision of myself who seems fulfilled at the end of each day. A coworker/great friend and I have been discussing our futures in pretty painted detail lately. It’s funny; I can see things and suggest things for him, much better than I can for myself. That’s the way my head has always worked. I wish I could see things more vividly for myself. Maybe, that too, will come with time.
Life has been a little nuts lately, as I’m not a fan of uncertainty. I have to say though, I realize every single day how blessed I am for so many things, even living here in the middle of nowhere right now. I’m blessed to have a group of close friends from work, I didn’t have a year ago. I like that I know where I’m going to be for the next six years (when Caleb graduates). I love that my dog has a bff, and acts like a dog when she’s around her. I fucking love that my good friend got excellent news from the Doctor yesterday. He has a health situation that could be very bad, but he has a best case scenario for his diagnosis. I love the attitude and fight he’s brought to this, just as he does everything he’s passionate about in his life. Really, there are so many things I’m thankful for everyday. Although my job situation is stressing me out, I thanked God this morning, that I have a job that helps us pay our bills and provides security for my family. I think about these things as I’m trying not to get pulled down by the uncertainties and changes that have been going on lately. That’s all any of us can do. We make the best out of what we have. We do what we need to, in order to feel alive. Today, I’m grateful for living out here, amongst people I would’ve never known.
Here’s hoping you embrace those things in your life. Live your day like you’re Holley and Fern in that potato sack (I hope they forgive me for using their pic :)
-Oh, and as always around the 4th-here’s Shooter Jennings (Waylon’s son) with one of my all-time favorite songs. You can see the song unfold perfectly can’t you?
Jen
RSS Feed