Those same friends that were here for the first blog are still here today. I can’t imagine how exhausting it has been listening to me drone on and on about why I was gaining weight and excuse after excuse. I am so proud to finally be able to talk about success in my weight loss journey. I really don’t feel like the 110+ pound loss belongs to me. It’s like someone else is talking about how they’ve done it. There are days when I totally embrace it and others where I only see how much further I have to go. The latter had a hold of me lately. I look in the mirror and see the flaws, the fat, and the loose skin. I go to my boot camp and everyone runs laps around me. Going to that class is a lesson in humility every single time. I don’t feel like I belong, but I’m so glad I’m pushing myself beyond what I believe my own capabilities are. I’m thankful for new friendships that have come out of it. Friendships that I know will go long past the end of this class in three weeks.
I went into this wanting to do something that would be sustainable. I believe I’ve succeeded in that. There are times when I would get overly crazy about what I was eating (why I quit counting calories – although I still do in my head sometimes). The more my weight gets down there, the more I feel like I’m not doing as well as I should. I worry that I’m not the right person to follow in your effort for better health and weight loss. I also know I’m human. In many ways: much too human. I hurt too easily and still turn to food every once in a while. I have this fucking Diet Coke habit that I can’t seem to kick. I know it’s the only reason I have rosacea. It’s a vice that reminds me of how weak I am. It’s all mental. I don’t even like the taste of it.
All of this aside, this year has taught me to think about every single thing I put in my mouth. I know you’re tired of hearing me use the word, “awareness” but it has been my key to weight loss. When I have turned to food, I know that I’m doing it. I was craving a burger something fierce not that long ago. The craving was born from anxiety, but I let myself give in and ordered a Junior Whopper and small onion ring (yes – I felt like shit afterward). The key words here are “Junior” and “small”. I don’t think I’d ever ordered a small anything in my life before. I was the queen of the super-size meal. I’m often asked, “How did you lose the weight?” Awareness is my savior, but I also credit drinking a smoothie most mornings. It’s a great way to start the day, and even if I totally shit the bed the rest of the day, I know my smoothie already included a bunch of great things: Frozen blueberries, spinach, a banana, ground flax seed, and 30 calorie almond milk. I think I’ve eaten a Lara bar every day over the past year. It fills me up, and I don’t have to feel bad about eating something from a package. Lunch is almost always my biggest meal. I buy most of my meat from a local family farmer, who actually plays music for his animals. There is no extra crap in that meat. I rarely eat past 6:00 at night. I make sure to drink a lot of water. I also actually started using my Fitbit for something other than a watch. It’s important to me hit or get close to 10,000 steps a day. I have gotten less obsessed, though. Pacing my house for those last 500 steps happened one too many times. I’ve gotten a little more relaxed about the numbers. I’ve gotten more relaxed about a lot of things, and that really needed to happen –for my own sanity. Eh hem, scale.
The purpose of today’s blog is really to say, Thank You. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being with me in this journey. The support of I received after the last blog entry was overwhelming. The kindness extended from so many of you, and many I’ve never met, was very touching. I was moved to tears many times. We all have our different battles when it comes to our health and weight. We have different goals and aspirations. In the end though, we are all searching for the same thing: happiness within ourselves. Here’s to another year of great health and new and strengthened friendships.
Thank you for giving me some extra motivation. I really had a stellar week in terms of diet. You were my motivation.