I've been obsessing over the goal of losing 20 lbs over the next 2 months. I just keep thinking "when" I have to wear that bikini, instead of "I won't let that happen." I used to be such a fighter. Wonder what happened to that spirit (although it still appears in games of pool, darts, or any other game the bar might have). I've got to change my way of thinking around. I really do need this. I've decided to go visit Amy in Aug., so that is a motivator. I don't want to ever wear a bikini, and I most certainly don't want to wear one in front of a good friend like that. Plus, I want to enjoy the vacation, instead of feeling shame for that few days, worrying about the weight. When the pounds come off, the shame seems to shed off, too. Shame is such a powerful word. For years my therapist used to associate it with just about all my feelings, not feeling good enough, blah, blah, blah. I'm in a place right now, where I'm not feeling that. I still have my issues, but I'm in a good place. I feel good about life. I'm extremely stressed about the living situation, but that's normal stress. I feel great about just being able to feel good. To be able to enjoy my day. To not feel like I'm letting the world down. For me, living in the present is such a gift. It's a gift that I value so, and I pray that it's here to stay. I know it has to be, uh what's the word to describe this...boring or unsettling to read this blog, when my mind isn't in the right place. I truly wish I felt "good" every day, but for whatever reason, my balance just hasn't worked that way. So, even though I've found myself in a rather shitty mood tonight, for no reason, I'll take it. It's normal. I feel "normal." In saying this, I realize everyone has their own normal. None of us can really be classified as "normal." Everybody has their shit that's for sure. But let's do what we can to embrace our shit (but not in a "dirty sanchez" kinda way).
There are a couple of homes we want to look at in Byron, but the realtor was not getting back to us. I was getting really pissed, because the homes go so quickly. So, I did what any grown up would do, I called the office and told on her. LOL.... Well, in a way, but you know what...she called me right back after that. We are looking at the houses on Thurs. Oh man, I hope something works out. In all aspects of my life, I am a planner. Not being able to "plan" where I'm going to be living in 6 weeks has been really tough. It's what wakes me up at 3 a.m. But sometimes I'm lucky, and I can get back to sleep.
I don't know that we've talked about food addiction much, if at all (I probably have but truly CRS). It's only been in the last year, that I've really realized how much of an addict I am when it comes to food. I've also become aware of the "shame" that I've associated with the eating/drinking of things that not only make me look like a fat ape, but are like poison. With this in mind, I'd like to share a dream I had two nights ago: I was at McD's and was buying a ton of food for myself, but then thought I outta get these $1 ice cream things they had for the boys, too. I remember buying a hot fudge sundae, apple pie, Large Coke, fries, filet-o-fish (probably), and maybe even more. As I walked out of McD's, I ran into Andrea. (Andrea is a very good friend of Amy's that lives in CO. I know her from a Vegas trip we went on, and I really do like her. But we don't talk a lot, so it's weird that she was in the dream). I remember seeing her, when I had all this food, and thinking, it'll be okay, she won't judge me. Then, right after that, Chuck (Amy's husband walks up), along with Andrea's husband, Phillip. As soon as I saw Chuck, I died inside. I knew that he would be staring at all of that food in disgust. Then, sure as shit Amy shows up. I remember them all staring at the mounds of food I was carrying, and all I could think to say, was these 2 ice cream things are for the boys. That's all I remember of the dream. In retrospect, I probably had it, because I had seen pics that night of Chuck and Phillip at a tough Mudder (?) event. They are in fantastic shape, as in Amy. Like unreal shape. So, I think that dream said a lot. I guess, despite my earlier statement, I do have issues with shame and food. I do feel like I need to hide it. Which is the funniest thing, because what's the very first thing ppl notice about you, if you're fat....it's that you're fat.... There really is no hiding it. So, although I guess I do have my 20 lbs. goal for August, my real goal should be to get rid of the shame associated with the fat. I want to embrace Amy and be able to only see her hard work and extreme dedication (which I do), and not also see a person that I'm not. Wow. I think this is therapy. My tears are welled up here. I'm so proud of her. I hope some day she can be proud of me in the same way. I hope you all can. I've done a great job of surrounding myself with ppl that take care of themselves. I'm sure that's not by accident. I'm really proud of all of you. It's never "easy" to be in shape, and as we are getting older, it becomes even tougher, yet 3 of my very closest friends are in the best shape of their lives. I know they want this for me. I want this me. I need to want it enough to do something about it, I guess. To quit hiding behind this fucking body.
Okay, I've got to stop, or I'll beat myself up all night (and this is me "good," lol). I had no idea what the blog was going to be about tonight, and it's helped me realize some things. Time to build on them I guess.
Hope you all have a great night,