I've been taking steps to get my diet under control the past few days. For the last 3 weeks or so, I really ate poorly. If it had fat, sugar, salt, caffeine in it, I searched it out. When I get really stressed, tired, bored... I feel like that's the only thing that's going to make me happy. Of course, it doesn't. In fact, it gets to a point that it doesn't even taste good. It's so dumb that I do it, because I know better....I know how to eat well. So, I've been sure to drink a glass of green juice each of the past few days, in addition to some smoothies. I'm going to make several different bean based soups today. (I've got to get away from having that same cauliflower soup all the time. I get so bored with it). What's funny, is that since starting this blog, lots of ppl have commented on what a great cook I am, etc. When I hear that, I really have to LOL. I'm so far from a good cook, it's not even funny. In fact, for the very first time, I let some beans soak over night. I've now got them simmering on the stove top. I've never cooked with beans that didn't come out of a can. Never. Oh, here's a tip on the canned beans, always rinse them. They have a butt load of sodium in them, and rinsing them give you back the health benefits of eating the beans to begin with. So, I'm really hoping the beans turn out. It won't surprise me if they don't :)
I've been carrying on lately about not wanting to wear that bikkini in a couple of months, and how that's supposed to be my motivation to lose 20 lbs. The truth is, while I don't want to wear the bikkini, it's not a motivation to me at all. My real motivation is my health. It's a motivation that comes from fear. In fact, I talked briefly about the bikkini in therapy last week, and then just touched on why I want to lose the weight. My therapist looked at me, and just said well that seems like a real motivation, not a bikkini. It was too painful for me to talk about, though, so I just hung my head in shame and cried. It's easy for me to make fun of my body and distract with stupid goals, when in all reality: I need to be healthy. It really scares me how much I don't care sometimes about my health, and I need to. I haven't mentioned that I had to double up on my bp meds, and the fact that the cardiologist wants to run some more tests, and I haven't called them back. They called a few times and have even sent a letter. Of course, they've now given up on me, just as I'd seemed to give up on myself. I haven't gone in for the tests because I know why my numbers suck. It's the poor handling of stress, lack of sleep, poor diet. Each of these things are within my control. My overall health sucks because I haven't taken care of myself. My plan has been to go in once I have it all under control to prove to myself and these strangers at the Dr.'s office that I really am fine. And trust me, I've beaten myself to a pulp over this. I think of so many healthy ppl that have developed cancer, even watching one that I love battle it for 10 years only to see her 12 hours before she died, and all that cancer brought her... What cancer brought her family. She didn't deserve it. She treated her body pretty good. Do I think I deserve cancer? Yes. Do I think I deserve a heart attack at 40? Yes. I've earned it. So many ppl haven't earned it. They've just gotten that terrible luck of the draw. I've treated my body like absolute shit for far too long. Caleb has nightmares sometimes. I can hear him cry out and sleep through it at times, and others the only thing that can get him back to sleep is being with me. My family loves me. My family needs me, and in all honesty I feel like I'm dying. No, I'm not being overly dramatic. Maybe I'm am. But I know that it's not normal for a 40 year old woman to have the horrible night sweats that I get, or this pulsating feeling through my body like I'm being shocked, or the fact that I don't sleep and can't seem to think clearly on a lot of days. Do I want to look better? Yes. Do I want to feel comfortable with my body when being intimate with my own husband? Yes. Is this what's driving me in the decision to start taking care of myself? No. I can't bare to think of the devistation that I'd leave behind if I do leave this earth too soon. I can't bare to think of the nightmares that I'd give to my eight year old son, or the what it would do to Ryne, who is the most sensitive person I've ever known. And of course, what it would do to the man who loves me with all he has. I can stop this. I can get get better. Do I think I deserve to be healthy and worthy of such love? Yes. I can finally say that while believing it. I'm choosing to fight for myself. I'm choosing to do my best at undoing the damage I've done to my body. In this process, I've got to learn to give myself some breaks along the way. If I am doing great and then have a slice of birthday cake or something like that, I need to not think of the fact that I'm killing myself. I need to just enjoy that piece of cake and then get back to what should be the most important thing in my life: my health.
Okay, I know this was way heavy today. It was really hard for me to write, but one of the things that I love about myself (see how kind I just was to myself?) is my openess and honesty. BTW. I was just given another, "whatcha doing..." I should count how many times I get that while trying to have time to myself next time. Maybe it will help everyone understand just how I became so crazy :) I hope that today's blog (oh dear God...my husband is in here again, after I just said I just said plesase give me 5 mins to finish, and he's trying to lay here next to me...so now I've just upset him by telling him I need this time to finish and I got the eye roll....) Anyway, I hope today's blog will help you realize the importance of your own health. Maybe that's why you read this? I know some of you relate to what I go through, and in going back to why I started this 11 months ago. I want to not only help myself, but nothing would make me happier is if I could help someone else along the way. We aren't in this alone.