runneth over. It all started after I finally got in my car and on my way to work this morning. The boys were stressing me out this morning, and usually I love just listening to music on the way into work, and I try to focus on thinking of
nothing at all, or I’m fighting off the negative places that my head likes to go. This morning, negative things won. I fucking hate that. It’s so frustrating to have a brain that works like this sometimes (well, nearly all the time). It sucked in school, when I would need to focus on one thing, but my mind
would only go toward things that I didn’t get, or anything that would actually
distract me from the task at hand. I’m sure my shrink could give me something to make it better, but I already hate taking things, and I think daily of getting myself to a place, physically and mentally where I don’t need to take anything.
Taking pills for anxiety and depression makes me feel so weak…. I know that’s silly, because I believe they really can help ppl. I see them help ppl. I even know a couple of ppl, (and I mean this in the most loving of ways) that could benefit from taking them. How about all of that for a Monday morning? Sucks, huh?
Anyway near the end of my drive I heard, Small Town by John Mellencamp. I don’t think I’d heard that song in ages. But in a way, it was a gift. It reminded me of how lucky I was to have grown up on that island. It reminded me of family, blood and just the same as blood. It reminded me of acceptance. It reminded me of our group of friends. It’s crazy to know that we have been friends since we were in pre-school. We all had our ups and downs growing up. We all went with one crowd for a while, than another for a time, but in the end….we are sisters. So, thinking of my sisters helped to slow my head down.
This mind of mine that tears me up for the dumbest of things. Who knows…maybe I should take something after all. See that…see that….my mind over working ;)
In addition to my mind being on overdrive, work has gotten off to a bad start. I
didn’t schedule something in for soon enough, and it’s a huge deal. I’m working on trying to get it expedited, but I’m not sure if it’s going to happen. It’s a new product for me to purchase, and I misunderstood about the frequency of ordering. So, add it all together and I’m one big tight ball of stress, feeling it in my chest in a big way. And you know what I thought, for maybe the very first time EVER? I wished I could go to a gym, right now. I need to work this off. I really do. The gym really probably is the answer for me. It’s so fucking simple.
What a lazy fuck. I need to make time to get there….. It has to happen, before I implode….
Okay, I’ve gotten up and picked up paperwork from another bldg. Sometimes it just helps getting out of this office I’ve begun to think of as a tomb. I had a banana earlier, and now I’ve started eating some oatmeal,too. My stomach has been kind of messed up lately. Usually stress just causes me to eat and eat.
Lately, it hasn’t been quite like that. That’s when I know it’s the real f’ing deal.
Okay, before I go, hopefully I’ll give you a couple of things that will hopefully make you laugh or smile. You know the picture from, Meet Karl? Well, I sent that to a few of my friends that are also into taking inappropriate pictures. Ah, Lady is on. And I love you best, you’re not like the rest…you’re there when I need you, you’re there when….I’m gonna need you. Love singing this song with my closest friends. Anyway, I meant to send the Karl Sandwich picture to one friend, but text it to the wrong person. Laura told me she never got it, so I sent it again…. It was just yesterday that I realized I sent it to a very, very conservative gal (g/f of one of Brian’s old co-workers….) LMAO. Oh well. I thought about sending an apology to her, but wtf. It is what it is.
Another story that’s been randomly running through my head is from years ago. An old co-worker/friend and I went out for drinks at Lindo (our old
stomping grounds in Vancouver). We’d always run into ppl that we knew there. Well, this particular night we ran into a co-worker that worked upstairs
(we worked downstairs, and it was a pretty large co. Our paths didn’t cross that much). Now, this guy is gorgeous. He’s very metro, so not my type at all, but anyone would be able to appreciate his looks. He was so good looking, he was almost pretty. Anyway, he said, you hear any good rumors lately? We didn’t have anything to add, so he let us know a couple rumors he heard, and said come on…you’ve got to hear something about upstairs. To which my friend replies, “only that you’re gay.” I almost died. And knowing me I probably pissed myself a little bit. He was, of course mortified, and then started telling us about all the girls from the co. that he’s banged. And he could show us naked pics of so and so, blah, blah, blah. It’s a large table and there’s a bunch
of different friends there, so I guess I get caught up in other conversations. The next thing I know, I look over at my friend and the hot guy, and they are fully making out. Right there at the table. My jaw must’ve dropped to the floor… My friend sees me, and as she’s making out with him, gives me the thumbs up above his head. The rest of the night was more of the same, they’d be making out on the dance floor, and she’d give me some sort of signal. It was one of the most hysterical things I’ve ever seen (almost as much as someone trying to find aspirin in a friends purse and pulling out a “flashlight” to help her see, which turned out to be a vibrator…but that’s a story for another time). My friend and I still laugh about her make out session every once in a while. And btw….she still thinks he’s gay. :)
Ah, memory just cheered me up. Hope it made you smile.
by: John Mellencamp
Well I was born in a small
And I live in a small town
Prob'ly die in a small town
small - communities
All my friends are so small town
My parents live
in a same small town
My job is so small town
Provides little opportunity,
Educated in a small town
Taught to fear Jesus in a small town
Used to daydream in that small town
Another born romantic that's me
But I've seen it all in a small town
Had myself a ball in a small town
Married an L.A. doll and brought her to this small town
Now she's small town
just like me
No I cannot forget where it is that I come from
forget the people who love me
Yeah, I can be myself here in this small
And people let me be just what I want to be
Got nothing against a
Still hayseed enough to say
Look who's in the big town
bed is in a small town
Oh, that's good enough for me
Well I was born
in a small town
And I can breathe in a small town
Gonna die in a small
Ah, that's prob'ly where they'll bury