That morning, I stayed true to my plan to get over to Rockford and do our Easter shopping early in the morning. I was going on less than four hours sleep, but by golly, I got it done. It was another nice day of getting stuff done around the house and it ended with watching Hidden Figures. If you haven't seen it, yet, you must. It was such an inspiring movie and so well done.
Today was another early morning, getting things ready for Easter. Caleb and I also got an early start to church, which is about an hour away from here. It's the church we prefer, but we usually only make that drive on holidays. My friend Lisa's husband is the pastor, and he always has such a great message. Today was no exception. Today was also full of more cleaning and laundry. It feels good to get it done, but I really feel like I cleaned the same things over and over. With all the cleaning and doing dishes multiple times in a day, if you walk into my kitchen now, I'm sure it's dirty. Big sigh. I did make us a nice Easter meal, though. I made a turkey breast in the crock pot, mashed potatoes, Rhodes rolls, cornbread stuffing, kale salad and apple pie for dessert. I know it's the holiday of ham, and I do love the ham...that's the problem: I didn't want to have those leftovers in the house. As it was, butter seemed to be the main ingredient in nearly everything I made today. I practiced a decent amount of self-control, though, which was not easy.
As great as these few days have been, I have been off. I feel off in my head. I'm working hard to be up, but sometimes the brain just sabotages me. It's so maddening. I have every reason in the world, to feel like the luckiest person on the planet-and still my head fights me sometimes. I started to get frustrated with all the cleaning I've done, and boys that don't have the same care as I do about having a clean house. It's a battle I'll never win, which is truly unfortunate as I'm definitely getting more particular and anal about things with age. So, in an effort, to get my head in the space it needs to be: I started doing things to get my thoughts into a happier place. Caleb and I walked Jesse again. I washed my favorite bedding for our room (clean bedding is about one of my favorite things). I cleaned my bathroom (it's supposed to be a no boy zone, but it doesn't really work out that way). I used Drain-O on my bathroom sink and shower (I seem to be shedding something terrible these days). I lit a candle in my room, and here I am: writing. These all probably sound like totally silly things, but they are the easy fixes that help put my in a good place. I felt the saying up at the top of this blog, was especially fitting today. Being happy should be the easiest thing in the world, but unfortunately, it always doesn't work that way. We have the choice, though. Our days are what we make of it. I call today a wonderful day, even though it was a lot of work to get there. I love the smell of the dryer sheet on my clean bedding as I sit here writing in my room. My door closed to the rest of the world, for just this moment in time. I hope you're able to find those things that can help change your mood, too. You just have to be willing to look for them-to put the work in. I know, I wish it didn't have to be like that, too, but it's just what it is sometimes.
There was a benefit at work for a guy in our shop who has been out battling cancer. I've never actually BBQ'd before, as Brian loves to do it. I guess there's a first time for everything, and I had a blast BBQ'ing hot dogs with another co-worker. He gave me pointers, but I burned the living shit out of some of those dogs. It's a good thing, some people like them like that (including myself). The benefit went really well, raising a shit ton of money for him. I even won a Cubs jersey (I got to pick which jersey), and I'm excited to give it to Brian for his birthday at the end of the month. I also won a Bears tailgating print, which I gave to a friend-as nobody in this house is a Bears fan. It was a crazy, busy day and after work, I headed to therapy. It wasn't until I started walking up the stairs that it hit me how tired I was. I was up half the night, the night before (idk why this is happening-but it's happening a couple times a week now), and I was running all day. It was only then, that it occurred to me that all that happened that day, including the fact that I was on my feet over two hours cooking, etc. There's no way I could've done the things I'd done that day, when I was heavier. As it was, I didn't get home until 8:00 that night, as Ryne had a baseball game out of town. A day like that a few months ago, would've killed me. Instead, it was just another Wed. I'm so appreciative that the weight loss, has given this to me.
I guess now is as good of time as any to report that I had a 3/4 pound weight gain this week. Haha. I was only down 4 ounces that morning, and I figured that's what I'd see on the scale. I wasn't proud of a week like that, but I could live with it also. My eating wasn't great, as I wrote about in my last blog, but it's not like I totally shit the bed or anything. I was really good about getting my steps in, though. I actually had cancelled my weigh-in, because it was at the same time I was helping BBQ. The gal I weigh-in with text me though to tell me she had an opening mid-afternoon. I knew I'd be fucked. I always weigh-in before lunch. This time, I had a hot dog in me before I got on that scale. I hadn't had a hot dog in many months, and it certainly was part of my weigh-in plan. I've made a commitment to weigh-in on Wednesdays, though, and I felt it was important to stay with it: even though it was a gain when there might not have been one. Regardless of the scale, I know I could've done better. I could've done better these few days, too. Still, I'll keep plugging along and keep my eye on the prize: getting off these bp meds and continuing to feel better. It feels so good to feel like a human again. I can't imagine letting this go. I need to work harder. I do know that.
I need to get back to the outside world (outside the comfort of my quiet room). Laundry and dishes still need me, but I'm grateful that my attitude is better.
I hope you had a wonderful day, doing those little things that make your soul smile.
-I've liked this song since the first time I heard it, before knowing any of the lyrics. This kid is probably way young, but it reminds me of something Bread would sing or something. I hope you like it, too.