This week has really kicked my ass. I mean...really...kicked...my....ass. I honestly found myself in a postion where I just couldn't handle everything that was coming my way. My head is overwhelmed unlike in ways it never has been before. So, I'm trying to process how I can go through life without having bouts of depression like what was sprung on me this week. Per my last post, I found myself dealing one day by having a few beers during the week. That night my friend called me, and I just unloaded on all of these things. I woke up the next day (having only had 4 beers over probably 4 hours) with a terrible headache, and realizing I didn't do myself any justice by drinking. Not to mention a couple of snarky comments I made toward her which I normally wouldn't have done. The next day I was still a mess, and found myself drinking 3 beers over the course of 4 hours or so. No, the beer doesn't help, but when I get like that, I'm just looking for anything that will take the anxiety away. Thursday I made myself be present in the best way I could. I made the boys dinner and cleaned up the kitchen. I then came up to rest for a few minutes and found myself asleep before 7.... Friday night everyone went out from work. For a while, I was having a total blast. But then mother fucker...it hit. I just started crying. I couldn't quit crying. Hell, I was even crying because I knew I couldn't drive but I didn't want to cry in front of everyone. That night became one of the worst night's I've ever had. I thank God for H.P. who was there for me and always makes me feel less crazy. Anyway, I hate, hate, hate the feelings I've had this week. So.... I now know that I absolutely can't drink on these meds. But I know even being on the meds drove me to want to drink.... I'm going to meet with my Dr. this week, and I'd like to get off the meds. I'd like to keep a smaller amt of the anxiety meds, but I want to get rid of the antidepressants. I need to tackle this with diet and exercise. Clearly the pills haven't been the most effective thing for me. It's been a while now... I guess I just need to find out who I am... I've been on the pills too long, and I've never felt good about taking them. I'm not stupid. I know I've got some sort of a chemical imbalance, and with family history a huge predisposition to depression. But I haven't always been this bad. I need to find an organic way to approach this. So, that's what this week will be for me... And I'll try to do this without stressing myself out too bad about the fact that we now have a date for my friend's 40th birthday. I'm pretty sure 7 weeks isn't enough time to lose 70 lbs.... But this week has to be about one foot in front of the other.... Wish me luck!
Here's hoping you all have a wonderful week.
Jen
Oh, here's my stand-by, identify with
Here's hoping you all have a wonderful week.
Jen
Oh, here's my stand-by, identify with
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