
much 24/7 lately. So, why haven't
I gotten it all together? I guess I'm not going to dwell on that. I'm proud of myself for getting off the Pepsi. I'm proud that I'm off the caffeine (except the occasional tea), and I'm proud that I'm at least thinking about being healthy. I've literally gone through the past 9 months or so, intentionally sabotaging my efforts of the past few years. WTF?! And you know what can happen in 9 months when you live like that? In my case, I've gained 30 pounds. 30 fucking pounds. I've gained more in these 9 months than I did with either pregnancy. This morning I wanted to change my profile picture on facebook, so I was going through my photos. I look at myself last year, when I was fat (and I was, just not anything compared to now), and I long for that body. I long to be starting this at that weight. But I'm not that weight. I'm this horrible fucking weight that I don't really even want to know. I think it's around 230. It's just amazing to me that
I am capable of being so careless with my own life. I mean, on top of the excess weight which I'm sure is causing me way more harm than I even know, I've got high blood pressure, anxiety, and depression. Every time I take one of my 6-7 pills a day, I feel like a loser. I hate being on medication. I really believe I can get rid of all or nearly all of it, if I could just get myself back together and eating a healthy, vegan diet. I read recently that you've got to want to change, more than you want to stay the same. I do want to change. For the love of God, I
want to change.... I have to change. Brian and I finally got to watch the new Biggest Loser, and I identify so much with the struggles of these contestants and I know that I most probably have some of their same health issues. Watching BL is heartbreaking to me, while Brian makes joke after joke about their weight and struggles. It kills me. I don't know what he sees when he looks
at me. If he weren't so blinded by his undying love for me (that's a joke), he would see that I am them. They are me...
My friend/coworker, Marie and I have been talking a lot about becoming healthier lately. We even had a meeting about it at the Chinese buffet of all places. We mapped out some goals and rules to our approaches to losing weight. It feels good to know that I have someone that's wanting to start this
venture with me. And it feels great to know that Marie's taking this very seriously, too. I'm really hoping we'll do a good job of keeping each other
accountable. In the end, we both really want the same things: to feel good about ourselves (and proud) and to be healthy for our families. Marie's reading the Adventures of DietGirl! book, and she's relating so much to the story. Oh, I'm listening to iTunes as I type this and Everybody Knows is on. I know I've put this song on here before, but it's me.... Back to Marie. She has a heart of freaking gold, and I'm so excited to see her transformations from the inside out. I can't wait to see the confidence come out and the self destruction to melt
away.
I had a really nice talk with my good friend Le Ann recently. She's followed the blog since the beginning, and it was so nice to talk to her about the past year and a half. Le Ann and I have been friends for many years and it was funny to hear her say how much better she knows me through this blog than through friendship. She's absolutely right. I give more of myself to this blog than I do to most relationships. I definitely have a guard up, at almost any time in real life. Here....I let the guard down and I write this for me. It's easy for me to put my feelings down and separate myself from anyone that might be reading this. Le Ann had a perfectexample, when she said, "if I would have called you before the blog, I'd ask how you are and you'd say good." That's so true. It's what I say no matter what. Now, she knows. lmao. "Good" is awesome, but it's so simple. I wish my mind would just allow me to be, "good" without a million other things that go with it. So, in the spirit of listening to Pink as I am now:
I don't want to be precious
I don't want to
feel stress
Life is for the living,
But not a living hell
So take
it
Take this
Oh, you can have all of me
Take it
Take this
Here,
you can have everything
I don't want to be flawless
When I go I want the
cuts to show
So take it
Take this
Oh, you can have all of me
Break
it
Take it
Oh, fuck it, have everything
Oh, you're fucked now. lol
Lastly, my friend Amy turns 40 this year. Amy coordinated my birthday party last year, and this year I hope to return the favor. It's been kind of fun to talk to her about all of the possibilities. I mean, you do only turn 40 once, right? It's not like turning 29, which happens over and over. Amy and I are different in a million ways, there's no doubt there. And the fact that turning 40 really
isn't a big deal to her is one of them. Oh man, it tore me up inside. Turning 40 fucked with my head in a big way. But Amy is just excited about the using the excuse of turning 40 into doing something totally awesome. So, with that, she has a big list of what she wants to do. Hopefully we get it all situated soon, so we can really let the planning begin. With that, there's a motivation in addition to all the others to lose weight. I'd like to go on vacation and be able to keep up with everyone. At the weight I'm at now, there's no way I can do that. I want to be in a place when the vacation comes, that weight isn't something that's dictating what decisions I make about what I want or don't want to do. I want to just live and enjoy life. So, on top of everything else, I'm excited to be who I think I am in my head. Somebody who is up for adventure! And this birthday celebration will be all about adventure! I just hope there's a zip line involved! (And I won't have to worry about weight limits....) Thank God the #1 thing she wants isn't until mid July. Gives me a little time.
I'll leave you with this.... Every single day I have a million reminders of how truly fat I am. This morning was a good one. I went to spoon with my husband, and it was my stomach that was spooning his butt. You know what spooning is right? It's not sexual, just cuddling. So, my fat ass got to spoon my husband this morning. I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little jealous.
Hope you're all having a great day,
Jen
Everybody Knows-Dixie Chicks
Tell me now if you came sneaking up behind
Would you
know me and see behind the smile
I can change like colors on a wall
Hoping
no one else will find what lies beneath it all
I think I hide it all so
well
Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't
erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my
name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows
Looking through the crowd
I search for something else
But every time I
turn around
I run into myself
Here I stand
Consumed with my
surroundings
Just another day
Of everybody looking
I swore they'd never
see me cry
You'll never see me cry
Stepping out, everyone can see my
face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing
out so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows
You say I'll pay the price
That's the chance that I'll
take
Though you may think I'm telling lies
But I just call it getting
by
Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase
from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my
name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows I am just
barely getting by