I woke up this morning to one of the worst nightmares I’ve ever had. The
worst feeling I have sometimes is that of being alone. It’s so silly that I ever feel that way. I’m far, far from alone, and I know that. My husband and I have had the best year of our relationship, twenty years in, I’ve got my kids, and I have friends that would do absolutely anything for me. But lately, that feeling of being alone is seeping through: seeping through to even my unconscious state. It was a terrible nightmare, and in it, for whatever reason I couldn’t get to Brian, and my Mom was out at work, so I couldn’t get to her. In the end, I stood there, alone, in a hospital room, wanting anyone to talk to, as the Dr.’s walked around like I wasn’t there. What a yucky feeling.
One of Brian’s co-workers turned 21 yesterday. After work the guys had all planned to take him out it was going to be a late night, so Brian was going to stay with one of his co-workers that live much closer to their work. They all had to come in at the same time today. If Brian or I have plans with our friends, we are really great about giving each other that freedom without nagging and texting the other one. But I was a little bothered that I really wasn’t hearing from him at all last night. But overall, it was a great night with the boys. After Cal and I dropped Ryne off at football practice, I surprised Cal by taking him for ice cream. Yes, I took him out, BEFORE dinner. Caleb
(who is always so serious) looks at me, and said, this isn’t like you AT ALL. LOL. I thought it was a fun surprise. After Ryne was done, we took him to grab a quick cone, too. Yes, BEFORE his dinner, too. But poor Ryne, who is just like me, never satisfied, of course had to have a hint of disappointment, because he really wanted a hot fudge sundae. Ah, that kid. There was tons of homework for both of them last night, so we were pretty busy! Anyway, I was looking forward to watching some football last night (and calling Melinda back, b/c she’d called while I was driving), and had even decided I’d pop a couple
tops. As soon as the boys got in bed, and I opened my beer, just like magic, the phone rang. It was H.P. I’ve mentioned it before, but damn I love talking to her. I swear I could tell her I’d just gotten out of a gang bang (that’s the phrase right?), and she’d say: “let me think about that for a minute.” And then
would come encouraging words about how it was great that I was doing something adventurous or something along those lines. I love that about her.
It was a great talk about nothing of importance, which is always the best, and a much longer conversation than I realized once I looked at the clock and turned the t.v. on. It was just going into the 4thqtr. I tried to call Mel back, but she’s an hour ahead of me, and must’ve already gone to bed. A couple of friends then started texting, so I did that ‘til I got tired enough to sleep. It was really
weird, though. Brian falls asleep on the couch all the time and then comes up to bed. But I hated that he wasn’t there last night. I still slept in my spot, but I really missed him. I hated not talking to him before I went to sleep. But it was nice to wake up to a text from him, that he sent after I’d already fallen asleep.
This hasn’t been my favorite week, but I’ve done a ton of reflection: reflection on just about everything that’s of importance in my life. Reflection isn’t always
easy for me, because I feel that I disappoint myself at nearly every turn. But this week, after all of the extra thoughts, I feel good about myself. I feel good about the person I am. I’ve also really stopped and taken time to smell the roses, if you will. The other day, I put my hair back in a ponytail. I was wearing a tee shirt and zip of sweatshirt, because I anticipated doing some work in the warehouse that day. Cal looked at me, and said, you look beautiful Mama. Now, mind you, I’d already checked myself out in the mirror, and lamented that I looked like a butch prison guard. But throughout the day, I held onto those words from Cal. In his eyes, I was beautiful. I love that. Also, a friend emailed me yesterday, and said something to me that was so very wonderful, and powerful. I’m in awe of her, so when she tells me what I mean to her life, it’s really surprising to me. Those words made me tear up with
happiness (you know who you are, bday week Lady :) So, this week hasn’t gone as planned, but I am so very thankful for all that I have. I truly mean it.
Oh, and I almost forgot. We are having a housewarming party tomorrow. It may not be our house, but it’s a great excuse to have everyone over that helped us move and a few more. Believe it or not, I’m even breaking into my stock pile of Alaskan Smoked Salmon. That shit is like gold to me. My most valued possession :) But I plan on using most, if not all of it. There will be smoked salmon dip, and macaroni salad with smoked salmon. Tomorrow Ryne has a
football game, and then we’ll have ppl over in the evening. It promises to be a wonderful week. Oh geez, where is my memory….also, Ryne asked me last night if he can go to the school dance tonight! His first dance! I’m going
to buy him a new outfit today. I’m so excited. Cal’s jealous, though. You know he considers himself a ladies man, and they don’t have dances in the elementary school. Haha.
Have a great weekend everyone,
Jen
Here are the lyrics to Guardian. Alanis is simply amazing… Love her. I wish I had a
Guardian J
You, you who has smiled when you’re in pain
You who has soldiered
through the profane
They were distracted and shut down
So why, why
would you talk to me at all
Such words were dishonorable and in vain
Their
promise as solid as a fog
And where was your watchman then
I’ll be
your keeper for life as your guardian
I’ll be your warrior of care your first
warden
I’ll be your angel on call, I’ll be on demand
The greatest honor of
all, as your guardian
You, you in the chaos feigning sane
You who has
pushed beyond what’s humane
Them as the ghostly tumbleweed
And where
was your watchman then
I’ll be your keeper for life as your guardian
I’ll be your warrior of care your first warden
I’ll be your angel on call,
I’ll be on demand
The greatest honor of all, as your guardian
Now no
more smiling mid crestfall
No more managing unmanageables
No more holding
still in the hailstorm
Now enter your watchwoman
I’ll be your
keeper for life as your guardian
I’ll be your warrior of care your first
warden
I’ll be your angel on call, I’ll be on demand
The greatest honor of
all, as your guardian
worst feeling I have sometimes is that of being alone. It’s so silly that I ever feel that way. I’m far, far from alone, and I know that. My husband and I have had the best year of our relationship, twenty years in, I’ve got my kids, and I have friends that would do absolutely anything for me. But lately, that feeling of being alone is seeping through: seeping through to even my unconscious state. It was a terrible nightmare, and in it, for whatever reason I couldn’t get to Brian, and my Mom was out at work, so I couldn’t get to her. In the end, I stood there, alone, in a hospital room, wanting anyone to talk to, as the Dr.’s walked around like I wasn’t there. What a yucky feeling.
One of Brian’s co-workers turned 21 yesterday. After work the guys had all planned to take him out it was going to be a late night, so Brian was going to stay with one of his co-workers that live much closer to their work. They all had to come in at the same time today. If Brian or I have plans with our friends, we are really great about giving each other that freedom without nagging and texting the other one. But I was a little bothered that I really wasn’t hearing from him at all last night. But overall, it was a great night with the boys. After Cal and I dropped Ryne off at football practice, I surprised Cal by taking him for ice cream. Yes, I took him out, BEFORE dinner. Caleb
(who is always so serious) looks at me, and said, this isn’t like you AT ALL. LOL. I thought it was a fun surprise. After Ryne was done, we took him to grab a quick cone, too. Yes, BEFORE his dinner, too. But poor Ryne, who is just like me, never satisfied, of course had to have a hint of disappointment, because he really wanted a hot fudge sundae. Ah, that kid. There was tons of homework for both of them last night, so we were pretty busy! Anyway, I was looking forward to watching some football last night (and calling Melinda back, b/c she’d called while I was driving), and had even decided I’d pop a couple
tops. As soon as the boys got in bed, and I opened my beer, just like magic, the phone rang. It was H.P. I’ve mentioned it before, but damn I love talking to her. I swear I could tell her I’d just gotten out of a gang bang (that’s the phrase right?), and she’d say: “let me think about that for a minute.” And then
would come encouraging words about how it was great that I was doing something adventurous or something along those lines. I love that about her.
It was a great talk about nothing of importance, which is always the best, and a much longer conversation than I realized once I looked at the clock and turned the t.v. on. It was just going into the 4thqtr. I tried to call Mel back, but she’s an hour ahead of me, and must’ve already gone to bed. A couple of friends then started texting, so I did that ‘til I got tired enough to sleep. It was really
weird, though. Brian falls asleep on the couch all the time and then comes up to bed. But I hated that he wasn’t there last night. I still slept in my spot, but I really missed him. I hated not talking to him before I went to sleep. But it was nice to wake up to a text from him, that he sent after I’d already fallen asleep.
This hasn’t been my favorite week, but I’ve done a ton of reflection: reflection on just about everything that’s of importance in my life. Reflection isn’t always
easy for me, because I feel that I disappoint myself at nearly every turn. But this week, after all of the extra thoughts, I feel good about myself. I feel good about the person I am. I’ve also really stopped and taken time to smell the roses, if you will. The other day, I put my hair back in a ponytail. I was wearing a tee shirt and zip of sweatshirt, because I anticipated doing some work in the warehouse that day. Cal looked at me, and said, you look beautiful Mama. Now, mind you, I’d already checked myself out in the mirror, and lamented that I looked like a butch prison guard. But throughout the day, I held onto those words from Cal. In his eyes, I was beautiful. I love that. Also, a friend emailed me yesterday, and said something to me that was so very wonderful, and powerful. I’m in awe of her, so when she tells me what I mean to her life, it’s really surprising to me. Those words made me tear up with
happiness (you know who you are, bday week Lady :) So, this week hasn’t gone as planned, but I am so very thankful for all that I have. I truly mean it.
Oh, and I almost forgot. We are having a housewarming party tomorrow. It may not be our house, but it’s a great excuse to have everyone over that helped us move and a few more. Believe it or not, I’m even breaking into my stock pile of Alaskan Smoked Salmon. That shit is like gold to me. My most valued possession :) But I plan on using most, if not all of it. There will be smoked salmon dip, and macaroni salad with smoked salmon. Tomorrow Ryne has a
football game, and then we’ll have ppl over in the evening. It promises to be a wonderful week. Oh geez, where is my memory….also, Ryne asked me last night if he can go to the school dance tonight! His first dance! I’m going
to buy him a new outfit today. I’m so excited. Cal’s jealous, though. You know he considers himself a ladies man, and they don’t have dances in the elementary school. Haha.
Have a great weekend everyone,
Jen
Here are the lyrics to Guardian. Alanis is simply amazing… Love her. I wish I had a
Guardian J
You, you who has smiled when you’re in pain
You who has soldiered
through the profane
They were distracted and shut down
So why, why
would you talk to me at all
Such words were dishonorable and in vain
Their
promise as solid as a fog
And where was your watchman then
I’ll be
your keeper for life as your guardian
I’ll be your warrior of care your first
warden
I’ll be your angel on call, I’ll be on demand
The greatest honor of
all, as your guardian
You, you in the chaos feigning sane
You who has
pushed beyond what’s humane
Them as the ghostly tumbleweed
And where
was your watchman then
I’ll be your keeper for life as your guardian
I’ll be your warrior of care your first warden
I’ll be your angel on call,
I’ll be on demand
The greatest honor of all, as your guardian
Now no
more smiling mid crestfall
No more managing unmanageables
No more holding
still in the hailstorm
Now enter your watchwoman
I’ll be your
keeper for life as your guardian
I’ll be your warrior of care your first
warden
I’ll be your angel on call, I’ll be on demand
The greatest honor of
all, as your guardian
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