Sooo....I've had a lot of pause for thought this past week about the weight. I'm too young to feel the way I've been feeling. I'm so tired of feeling like shit. But I had a big wake up call when I was around my family for the service. First off, it's hard to ignore that I'm really the only fat one in that huge family. It should bother me more than it does. I wish it did. There's a day when it would've killed me. But my family is seemingly very accepting of my weight (although I shutter to think of what they say about it when I'm not there), and they always talk about me being an athlete, and this and that...they make me feel like I'm more than I am. Always. But the thing I saw with my family was pure grief. It broke my heart to see everyone hurting like that. I'd never seen grief like that out of any of them. We've had tragedies, just like everyone, but the loss of Jace and us seeing Cole like that, was unlike anything. It was gut wrenching. It hurt my soul to see my Mom in that much pain. She really doesn't get emotional much. It killed me. So, after a very uncomfortable plane ride home, where my fat ass kept pushing up the arm rest between me and the skinny kid next to me...I thought about that grief and how I never want to see my family like that again....and how I don't want to be the one to cause their hearts to hurt. I'm not being dramatic here, but I've felt for a while that I'm moments away from a heart attack or stroke. I know how I've been feeling. I know the signs I've been experiencing. I know that I'm on a shit ton of medications when they could all really be treated with a really clean diet and active lifestyle, but I haven't cared enough about myself to do anything about it. Seeing that kind of pain in the people I love, is enough to make me want to do something about it. You know what's equally as bad as that? Confiding in someone I love essentially what I just told you, and having them tell me, they are worried about the same thing for me. My family posted a lot of pictures, and there's just no hiding this kind of weight. I don't know how long my friend has felt this way, or if it was seeing the recent pictures, but having her tell me that she sees me (so, she sees the fat, I pray to God she won't see), and worries that I'm going to die from my weight, is excruciating. I don't want her to see that when she looks at me. I want her to see someone she loves, someone she's proud of...not a walking corpse. Yeah, so lots on my mind. This is serious shit, and I know it.
Well, I guess this has been heavy enough. The last two entries have made me cry, and like a lot of people in my family, I hate to cry. So, I'll go and tackle the day. I have most of Sunday still in front of me. I plan to make the most of it, along with making those weeds in my planter, my bitch.
Much Love to you,