There's been a lot that's gone on this past week. A lot of great things, including 4 days in Lake Chelan with close friends. I'm sure I'll write about it soon, but I need to get through today. I'm exhausted...
I just (well, hopefully I did it right-should be blocked and then permanently deleted in 14 days) got rid of my diariesofafatass page on Facebook. I was hesitant to have one to begin with, and I was really hoping it would be a nice tool for people to come together and share their success stories of weight loss, etc. But it really didn't turn out that way. And ultimately, I really don't want most people I know to know about this site. So, I think it was stupid to have it to begin with. Hopefully, in 6 months or so, I can look back and read about how I got to a weight I was comfortable with. And even more so, hopefully it will give some of you some of that, "if that Gal can do it, anyone can...." I know I haven't exactly been inspiring. This website has really become more of a diary than anything. Having it out in the open is something I grapple with all the time. But whenever I think about ending it, I think about all of these nice notes I've received over this past few years from people who can relate to my struggles: diet related or other.
Okay, that rant is over, but a new one is about to start. I've been sharing what's been going on with my son and his stomach pain. Earlier in the week (the last night of vacation), the Dr, called to let me know that one of Ryne's labs came back showing inflammation in the body. This wasn't a huge surprise as one of the scans they did on Ryne showed it, too. But the Dr. (specialist at Children's Hospital) had discounted it as not the appropriate test the first time around. When I got back, they had Ryne retake the blood test. I finally got the results back this morning, but this time they were normal. Normal is good, but we are no closer to knowing what is causing his pain. The pain in the morning can be so intense that it wakes him up really early and makes him cry. It's so hard to see.... He doesn't eat before noon...and the only thing that's kept him in school (he only missed 1/2 day this week) is his pain pill. Ryne missed basketball tryouts this week. He's out another sport that he loves, and another way to make good friends in this new school. When the Nurse and I spoke this morning, she talked about it being a "functional issue," meaning his body is holding on to whatever this is (and that the GI Tract is such a complicated system), and he's unable to get it to pass through. The nurse says it's a phenomena that they see among kids in their department, often. It can be many things that finally get the system back on track, but most of those things are usually done in Seattle. It's also finding that "thing" that's going to work... The Nurse wanted to consult with the Dr. again and promised to call again later in the day. If I'm not in a depression (which thankfully it's been a while), I rarely cry over things in my life. I will cry over commercials, movies, etc., but not anything "real." I hung up that phone this morning...and cried and cried and cried...and then I cried some more. I'm so frustrated. I let myself wallow in self pity for a couple of hours and then tried to pull myself out of it by going on my walk with Jesse. I needed to clear my head. But really, it didn't work. I just dwelled on the fact that this stomach issue has been dividing my husband and I. It's really taken a toll on me...
The Nurse called back after consulting with the Dr., and offered us a choice on how to move forward. We can meet and put together a plan to fight a probable "functional issue," and if nothing works we would then do a colonoscopy and endoscopy. Or, we can still move forward with a plan, but do the procedures sooner than later. The Dr. isn't sure that he's going to find anything on there, but it's still a possibility that it could be useful... I hate the idea of him going under...and having such invasive tests, but the thought of him possibly being in this much pain for a couple months or so before doing the tests, frightens me more. The pain has taken the joy out of Ryne's life. It's hard to watch. So, creating a plan and doing the tests ASAP is what's on the agenda.
I was at the Eye Dr with Cal, when the Nurse called this afternoon, so I wasn't able to consult with Brian before getting the ball rolling, but I knew I could always change if he didn't agree with me. I was nervous to even talk to Brian about all of this again, as earlier today, I really let him know how much he's hurting me with his reactions and frustrations to the situation. So, I was pleasantly surprised when we were able to have a good talk and be on the same page as far as the treatment plan. We've had a good night. There have been times during this, where we have been on the same page and others where we haven't... I hate to feel like I'm walking on eggshells when we talk about it, or the way he and Ryne communicate. Of course, I'm not saying anything against Brian. This situation just hasn't been our finest moment... I hope the talk earlier today keeps us on the same page for a while...again.
I know I've rambled on and on, and it's on a subject that nobody would really have an interest in...but I needed to get this out. I know I have people that love me, but I must confess, I feel completely alone in this. It's not that people aren't trying...I just feel so overwhelmed by the fact that we have no answers. It's hard to answer, "how's Ryne," or "how'd the appointment go," etc. when there's no easy or real answer, yet. I don't know. I just feel like I want to crawl inside myself. I especially do, when Brian's family keeps getting a hold of me and not Brian to ask about Ryne. I love them, but it just adds to it for me... I dunno. I'm just tired I guess. Hopefully tomorrow I'll wake up feeling better and not like such a big pussy. Or better yet, maybe tomorrow's the day that Ryne actually starts to feel better. Here's praying.
Oh, yeah....this morning probably wasn't the best morning for fucking Aunt Flow to show up, either.... Miserable Cunt.